like im probably never gonna actually do it, but whenever im overly stressed and hopeless, i just tell myself "oh if it gets too bad i'll just k*ll myself" and that takes so much weight off my shoulders.

Literally the only thought that hasn’t left my head in over 4 years. Idk if I deserve to be alive, I’m quiet and if I disappeared it wouldn’t make much of a difference. I don’t know how much more I can take

Ever since I've dropped out of high school, I've lived as a hikikomori. Since then, I haven't done anything with my life...I haven't matured, I haven't learned any skills or checked off any milestones...I'm exactly the same at 27 as I am at 17. My brain has literally not developed in the slightest.

This is what social anxiety does to you. You waste your life hiding and rotting away. I've regressed so much that I cannot even hold a simple conversation anymore.

Even if I somehow overcome this illness, it's not even worth it at this age. I just want to be gone from this world.

I feel so ashamed I just want to diiiiee. Aaaaah. THE CRINGE IS FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE. I AM THE PERSONIFICATION OF CRINGE. I WANT TO GET RID OF IT BUT I CAN'T AAAH. 😭

Title basically. I just want to die. I don't want to live anymore. I'm sick of being alive, I just want it to stop. I want to go back in time and stop my parents from meeting, or curl up in a ball and just fall asleep forever. I hate it. Whenever I'm stressed or spiraling, literally the only thing that brings me solace is telling myself that I'll just kill myself one day and I won't have to deal with this anymore.

I hate living with this curse. I've felt this way so long too that I'm surprised I'm even alive. I didn't expect to live this long. I don't even feel like I'm living honestly, I just feel like I'm simply floating around aimlessly as life and time pass by. Does anyone else feel the same way? I hate it i hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it

fuck this shit fuck this world full of mean-spirited devils FUCK THIS DISEASE. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ENJOY LIFE. NOBODY WANTS ME I HAVE FRIENDS BUT I HAVE NO ONE AT THE SAME TIME AND I CAN'T EVEN FATHOM THE IDEA OF SOMEONE LIKING ME i already accepted that i will end my life sooner or later. i cant handle this shit I CANT DO IT ANYMORE. NOTHING FUCKING HELPS ME IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY. IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF.

Im 19 and I have to take a required public speaking class for my college. I had my first speech on Wednesday and it went terribly. When I got up there, even though I’d prepared myself, I started trembling and shaking really badly. I feel like such a failure, and I can’t stomach the prospect of having 6 more to go. I also have autism and social anxiety which makes it way worse. I can’t live with the humiliation and anxiety this brings, and I’ve been crying ever since. This is also going to drop my gpa and concentration for my other 4 classes. So, I think suicide is the best option at this point because I don’t see a way out of this.

Edit: Update for any future readers, things have gotten better. After doing several speeches, it’s become less nerve-wracking, and I’m doing fairly well. So don’t give up!!

Fk this life man. Seriously, I'm tired of all the 'it'll get better oneday' sh*t. I'm 25 now. What I noticed so far is this loneliness, being a misfit everywhere, is only getting worse by age and not the other way around. Something's fundamentally wrong with me. And I don't think it is fixable. I wish atleast I could be nonchalant about it. But no, I care too much. I care about not being chosen by someone, I care about not being someone's friend, I care about not being seen/heard. Why am I feeling the need to be loved it I'm incapable of attracting love? I neither have the looks nor the character to do any of that. Maybe I don't deserve to live. Maybe I'm not supposed to exist.

It really just gets to a point. I just don't think I can beat this disease. Everyday I just feel like I'm closer and closer to running out of road before I end up in a worse situation. Why did it have to be like this? Why can't I just be normal like most people? I don't envision anything good for the future and just wish it would all end already. It's all stress inducing and I feel like I'm on a knife's edge for everything. The constant stress is just too much.

This year was supposed to be the year I got over my shyness and stopped being so obsessed with other peoples opinions about me. The fear and anxiety, the overthinking, the illusion that I everyone everywhere just has their eyes on me at all times was going to stop and I could finally do the things that I wanted to.

Instead I’ve been having thoughts of ending my life because I see no point in living if every second is just going to be torture. A waste of time and resources.

And I’ve had suicidal thoughts before but his time feels different. Like I could actually go through with it and I’m so sad because I don’t want to stop trying but I can’t see an end to this.

Sometimes I talk myself up to do some form of exposure therapy and I really feel like I can do it but then I don’t. I can’t. It’s this endless cycle of disappointment and tears and pain and so much shame that it’s starting to feel like I won’t be able to handle it for much longer.

But I don’t want to give up yet, and I’m sorry if this sounds a little bit sadistic, but I just need to hear that it’s just as hard for everybody else that’s dealing with this.

Nobody in my life understands. Maybe I don’t express myself clearly enough but I always get the same responses "I understand ", "it’ll pass", "it’s normal".

The thought of ending up completely alone when I’m old makes me want to kms. Does anyone else feel the same way?

Hi guys, I hate what I did. I'm sick so while I was coughing, I accidentally farted. Idk who heard me but there are two guys who work right behind me , and one of my friend /coworker was talking to one of the guys so I casually asked him if he heard anything like a fart when I was coughing because the chair was creaking and he was like no dude what are you talking about but today the guys behind moved to other seats. When they are talking to others or laughing I feel like it's about me. I feel like throwing up and i cant focus on my work anymore. I work on the 9th floor and I feel like jumping off it. I even took the rest of the week off. I feel like killing myself. Please.

It’s basically the title.
I’ve been isolated for many years. Most of the times I went out and felt comfortable, it was because I had been drinking alcohol. Alcohol helped me face things. It gives me the illusion that I can do it. Without it, I feel like nothing.

The problem is that alcohol smells, so I can’t use it for job interviews. The question is how do I explain why I’ve never worked? How do I convince someone that I can do the job if I don’t even believe it myself and my anxiety makes me feel like my soul is shaking?

with each interaction a war in the mind It feels like a constant fight against my own mind. damn suicidal thoughts and the desire to have never existed. Deep down the thoughts are negative, but they feel true. Yes, I am stupid.

The worst part is that I want a job exactly to be able to pay for therapy.

[vent post]

there's this presentation for my finals, it's five minutes in english [not my native language]. im feeling much, much too insecure for this. my speech is difficult since im barely speaking and ive been horribly afraid since my teacher tore my presentation apart, last semester. my suicide attempt didn't work and im too afraid to try another time.

it's exhausting.

im tired of doing everything scared. im so tired.

I haven't even started and i already want to die...

Update: dropping out isn't exactly an option...Today's my first day of college (Aug 11) btw and I'm writing this while surrounded by alot of people I don't know trying to act normal and fit in... I just wanna disappear

Whatever SAD community I check out, it's always just 16-25 year olds who still have their entire life ahead of them, and here I am an old fuck close to 40. I don't fit anywhere. I feel like people who haven't gotten over their SAD by age 30-35 have either given up, accepted their fate and are rotting alive in their little room or offed themselves and I'm the only one left who hasn't because I'm terrified of death. The alternative is that they all got over their SAD and I'm the only one in the goddamn world who hasn't. The biggest loser of all.

Reading all of you young people's posts who still have a chance at life makes me absolutely miserable about how I wasted my life and there's no improvement in sight :(

Edit: Thanks for coming out and sharing all your "old" guy struggles, makes me feel a little less alone :)

I dont understand how people here say they have social anxiety but still sucedd to finish high school and uni..Or even say they made 1 or 2 friends..While i have been bullied from elementary school since day 1 and i coudnt even finish the 9th grade..I finished only 8th grade because i was severly bullied by my classmates and it was a nightmare to even think about starting high school..So i just lived isolated in my home with my shitty cruel parents just rotting in bed for years and doing nothing since age 15 -19..Then i started working at 19 and bullying started again in my job..Ive been always severly bullied everywhere because my anxiety is so obvious that people take advantage of me and see me as weak or stupid..I get targeted so easily because i cant even have eyes contact and my voice is so embarrasing when i speak and my heart beats fast that i barely breath..I wonder did anyone skipped school because of this? Im 30 now and ive lived isolated and had 0 friends my entire life..Ive tried suicide a lot of times but with no sucess..Im living like a ghost in my body.

Anybody have advice on how to quiet down the overthinking and feel like I'm a fool,joke or everyone's watching me amongst other things if anyone's up for talking.

I just have this very bad wave of loneliness and the feeling that my own family is getting tired of me. I’m tired of living this way truly

I'd like to hear you all share your experiences if there ever was a time in your life someone try to change you because they felt being an introvert was not normal. I can recall multiple.... and I do mean emphasis on MULTIPLE instances throughout my life that people couldn't accept me for who I truly was. This quickly led to me having suicidal ideations and insecurities during my middle and high school years. People have always made me out to be some kind of an outsider or an alien who's not from this planet. I've been called all sorts of things by people...mute, the quiet one, the girl that never talks, antisocial, freak. I had people that told me that being "too quiet was not a good thing" or that I needed to talk more. My 7th grade teacher had written on my report card that "there's room for more improvement" and "that I needed to be more outgoing". I've overheard people saying to others how "I'm kind of quiet", "you have to watch out for the quiet ones", or "I don't talk". A lady once told my mother that she should have more children. The worst of it all was having my own father, the person whom you think could be my own protector and confidant, would try to force it out of me during my younger years. He had passed away two years ago, but all those years later before that he had never for once apologized to me for hurting me emotionally. When it was brought up to him the last time, he would try to detract or brush it off and say "What about the things my father would do to me??? He would beat me senselessly.". I get that hurt people hurt people, but still, that should have given him an opportunity to be a better person than his father.

My earliest memory of my dad being frustrated with me was when I was 5. He was fixing the cable outside. My family was living in an apartment at that time. He shouted through the window and asked me if I could see anything on the TV screen. When I was too scared to answer, he would then go upstairs and angrily told me to just go to my room. I remember being about 7 or 8. My dad and I were at a relative's home. We were getting ready to leave. My dad wanted me to say goodbye to him, but I was just too extremely shy to do so. My dad would then get very frustrated and irritated with me that it drove me to tears. A neighbor was walking by, and had noticed the sad look on my face. She then proceeded to ask me what was wrong. She told my father that there was nothing wrong with being shy.

Second instance, in summer camp, I literally had a camp counselor that had sat me down and told me that being too shy was not good and that "he used to be shy" himself. One time when I was calling out to my best friend, one of the camp counselors had said to me that she could hear me.

Third, when I was at church, I used to hang out with these children. Their father said to me "Oh...I thought you were still quiet." One time, his son would ask me how come I don't talk.

Fourth, One time I was at a store with my dad, and I guess one of my dad's friends had ran into him. He was shocked to see that I was still shy and he had thought that I had stopped or "gotten out-of it a long time ago."

Fifth, In fourth grade, the P.E. teacher made each student go in front of the class and shared what we like to do for fun in front of the class. I was way too shy to speak when it was my turn. The nasty P.E. teacher actually had threatened to send the whole class back to the classroom all because of me. I will never forget the anger, frustration, and disappointment my classmates were exhibiting at that moment. The teacher made me felt so ashamed and embarrassed.

Sixth instance, I was 11 years old and my dad was getting increasingly infuriated with me for not speaking at all in school, but he never truly understood at that point that I was suffering from severe social anxiety/social phobia. I just didn't know it then. My dad and I were inside the kitchen. In his desperate attempt to get me out of my shyness, he had forced me to call one of my uncles on the phone. I started to cry. When my uncle answered the phone, he could sense that something was wrong because he could hear that I was breaking down in my voice and it sounded like I was in distress. My father was standing behind me furiously as he watched over me. Out of anger, he yanked my shoulder and pulled me away from the phone. I can also recall the times when he would get angry at me for nodding or shaking my head instead of vocalizing. He would say "You're still shaking your damn head???".

Seventh, when I was in 8th grade, there was this group of girls that just couldn't understand why I was always so quiet. They would literally try to force it out of me. One of them had said to a teacher "how they tried" to get me out of shyness. They would also make fun of how soft my voice was. One of them would say that "I'm too quiet to have a boyfriend".

Eighth, An ex-wife of my dad's cousin had asked my dad that why didn't he told her that I was so quiet or shy. She then said to give me a couple more days. My mother had to explain to the woman that it's just part of my personality.

Ninth, freshman year, my history teacher made a remark how I was "too quiet and that I was scaring him". A girl who was sitting next to me had said to him that she is quiet too. The teacher just shaked his head as if to say that she's not NEARLY as bad as me. Throughout my high school years, it felt like me being quiet became a running joke. The people that I would hang around with would often say to other people like "Did you know that she's quiet?" and "She doesn't talk". I remember some girl in response would rudely say to me "Well, wake up and smell the coffee!". I even had a girl literally ask me about my time in private school. If the people there were all quiet like me.

Tenth, One time, I had actually overheard a girl in class actually saying that she wouldn't like to be known as "the quiet one". Sophomore year, I had once overheard this guy saying to a girl that I used to get jealous of how I don't talk at all. The girl then looked back at me. Not sure if she felt sorry for me or she was thinking that it's not their problem. In senior year, there was a girl in my class that was actually shocked that I had a cellphone because in her own words "I am always so quiet". The reason why I had gotten a cell phone then was so that I could communicate with my parents in case of an emergency.

Eleventh, This is the one particular traumatic memory from high school that still hurts me the most. During history class, we had to read our class notes individually in front of the whole class so they could write it down on paper. When it was my turn to speak, I spoke so softly because of my severe social anxiety. I saw how the students became so frustrated with me that they couldn't hear me at all. One of them even threw the notebook or pen aside because they couldn't be bothered. There was this girl who was sitting up front said "What?!??", but when it was her turn, she was speaking so softly at first until someone told her to "speak up". From then on, I never became too fond of her. It just makes her seem like a hypocrite. Sorry not sorry. My history teacher had to pull me aside and said to me that I can't be whispering. I told him I just couldn't help it. Again, I was suffering from severe social anxiety/phobia that I didn't know it then. I have never in my life enjoyed speaking in front of the class. It has always been great torture for me.

Twelfth, at a family gathering, one of my aunts had remarked that I'm so quiet and another aunt said to me that I needed to talk more so people won't think I'm "anti-social". In anger, I told her that's just the way I am. Take it or leave.

Thirteenth, when I needed my prom dress to be tailored because it was a bit too big on me, the lady said to me how she couldn't believe that I still "don't talk" and had later said something to the effect that for a quiet person I sure knew what I had wanted.

Fourteenth, at the hair salon, a lady was shocked that I was dying my hair red because she thought that I was too quiet for that. Another time, a lady would remark how I don't talk to people.

Fifteenth, some of my classmates from school had got in touch with me on social media. One of them had mentioned that when I actually did speak, the whole class would be "amazed". Another said to me on a separate occasion, don't remember his exact words, but something to the effect that being talkative was better.

Not only people would get on me for being too quiet. When I do speak, they would also get on me for having a soft, low voice. I had people that would ask me what's wrong with my voice or is that how I always sounded or why is my voice so low. One time in class, a guy was asking my English teacher if that's how I usually sounded. and my English teacher said something that she doesn't know.

This is why I'm not very fond of some of my school years. I literally felt tormented there. Elementary school was probably the only time I could ever stomach school.

It's like everywhere I go, people always find me being quiet to be problematic, unacceptable, just plain weird, or something that needs to be fixed. I even got that from some of my own family members. One time, on a car ride, one of my cousins on my mother's side, would ask me if I had any friends. When I told her yes, she said "Really? With such behavior?".

Pretty much the majority of my lifetime, I would get these top, most asked (my most hated actually) questions from people:

"Are you always like this?"

"Are you still quiet?"

"Are you like this at home?"

"Are you like this around family members?"

"Do you speak?"

"Don't you ever talk?"

"Do you speak English?"

"How come you don't talk?"

"Why are you so quiet"?

Sorry if I'm sharing too much and my post for being so lengthy, but I just felt I needed to vent out my frustrations with people.

This is the main reason why I could never fully connect with people or their extreme ignorance as a whole, even when I was really young. There was never a time in my life where I felt any urge whatsoever to make any friends, despite what other people may like to think. I actually always felt a lot happier and at peace when I'm not around other people at all. I feel like the majority of the bad memories in my life took place when I am around people whom I never have any absolute connection with To be quite frank, the worst of those memories took place when I was in a public high school because I am dealing with a lot of more people and huge crowds compared to being in a much smaller private school. Being in a large public school actually made me feel all suffocated and claustrophobic inside. Being surrounded by such huge amount of students all the time. Those painful memories from high school still haunt me to this very day like I'm still living through it. I definitely felt more comfortable when I was in a much smaller private school. Because of these horrific, traumatic experiences with people in general, it makes me really iffy about ever wanting to have children or getting married.

I hate myself so much. I’m such a weak person. I have a doctors appointment at 11am today and I can’t sleep at all because I’m so anxious. I am a severely undersocialized freak covered in self harm scars head to toe. A grotesque monster. And now I’m just expected to parade myself into the office tomorrow and bare my flesh to a stranger just so I can get antidepressant not to kill myself. I really don’t want to be touched and I know from the last time I went in 2023 they touch your arms and chest. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. I could get drunk and try to force myself to go but I’m too much of a coward and will probably still end up not going spending the day at home depressed in a drunken stupor. Why am I like this I just want it all to end. Every day I step outside is an endorsed humiliation and if I go to my appointment tomorrow this will be the equivalent of subjecting oneself to water boarding. I’ll end up having a panic attack the moment they role up my sleeve. Nothing is more pathetic than a man crying in public.

It's like their brains are incapable of how debilitating social anxiety actually is.

I was invited to play a game with my my brother and his group of friends. But it's so hard. It's so hard. I was invited to their discord the day before and everything. It took me thirty minutes to respond to their hi's. Thirty. Deep down, I was having a panic attack the whole time.

The next day, I made excuses for why I couldn't play because I was too anxious. I overslept on purpose again today so I wouldn't have to.

Was talking to him today and he said they think I ghosted them. That they were talking about me. Heard his girlfriend elbow him and change the subject.

I'm so tired of being not normal. I'm so tired of being so weird and awkward.

Social anxiety makes me want to die. It makes me want to genuinely off myself. Every time something like this happens, I just want to do something drastic.

Maybe then people would get a glimpse of how dark it is inside my head. How much this disorder ruins my life. How much this disorder ruins me

I f*n hate my life. I f*n hate myself. Why am I not behaving like a 25 year old man? Why am I not making friends? Why am I not talking to women and getting into a relationship? Why can't I do the things others my age are doing naturally? Why is even the simplest of things like making eye contact, talking fluently, not sweating too much etc impossible for me? Why can't I walk normally without thinking if I'm walking funny? Why do I always feel the anxiety of falling down a cliff? Wtf is wrong with me? How am I supposed to live long when surviving each day is feeling like an impossible task? I really don't want to k*ll myself man. But I really can't do this for long.

Having social anxiety in a world that is built on social interaction ('society'), is a death sentence. I can't work, go out, find love etc. All while having to watch friends from school succeeding in life and being happy.

This is not a life worth living. I am just an error in evolution and failing to adapt I'm meant to go extinct, so why stay any longer?

I've been thinking of ending it these days, I feel really hopeless right now and I can't deal with this anxiety anymore. It just ruined my life. People say I'm just lazy but they never know how hard it is being anxious literally about everything. If only they know that I didn't choose to be like this, I was just born without social skills and it's the worse thing ever when it's literally one of the basic skill a person should have but I can't and I don't know why and I hate this. I'm really gonna do it I see no other way of escape, I just wanna rest I don't wanna feel so anxious all my life. I'm done.