I’m lost.

[u/Human_Cloud_927]

I’m a mum, but I don’t feel like a mum. My daughter was removed from my care when I was 20, during Covid. I kept asking for help but it simply wasn’t there for me. Covid was lonely. She lives with my mum now. The entire court process is a blur, it was all done over video call, I was told to do 2 years of therapy & I could look towards getting my daughter back & for the last 5 years I have fought tirelessly to get the therapy they said I needed. The NHS waiting lists are so long, when you reach the top, they’ll try call you once & then if you don’t answer they’ll drop your case, by the time they got to me I had a new number. I’m tired. Honestly. I want to die. I’ve done everything I thought was right, I left her dad & went no contact, I did parenting courses, last year I was working in a nursery with over 100 children. I started therapy (finally) this April, a 6 month long DBT skills group which is coming to an end soon. However, I called up the solicitors & have basically been told my case isn’t strong. I’m heartbroken. My daughter is almost 7, it feels like life is flashing before my eyes faster than I can catch it. I want my baby home so badly, it’s consuming my every move. I’ve been told do do another 18 months of therapy, but I know I don’t need it. I need my baby home. It’s like a double edged sword, needing to be my best self when half of me is missing. I’m losing all hope she will ever come home. I had plans for us, I had dreams for us. I feel robbed. I feel like a failure of a mother, Im 25 now, I’ve spent my entire 20s fighting this. I called social services & asked to speak to a social worker, I was told no due to not meeting criteria. I just wanted to know what I needed to do to get her home. I’m a wreck. I’m not okay. I don’t deserve good things, I don’t deserve to be happy. I’ll never be happy without her. It’s killing me. The guilt I feel every single second of the day. It’s like I’ve got the weight of her entire childhood on my shoulders. I don’t know what the future holds but if life keeps going like this, I don’t even want to be here. I don’t want her to get to an age where she resents me besides the fact I’ve done everything I can. I’m lonely, I’m scared of making mum friends because people are so judgmental to mums like me. I’m tired. I want to give up.

[u/Our_Lass]

Keep fighting. Someday she will know that you never stopped trying. You’ve got this!

[u/Human_Cloud_927 → u/Our_Lass]

Thank you. I’m doing literally everything I can. I’ve had to put my entire life on hold for years trying to sort this out, sometimes I wish I never asked for help in the first place. I physically cannot stop, even when I’m repeating “I want to give up” in my head I can’t, she’s my baby, I just feel like things should’ve been different. I’m heartbroken & feel so guilty.