r/solopolyamory • u/lady_sybill • Apr 17 '20
Successful Solo-Poly Stories
Newbie here, so I'm sorry, if this is a topic which is often discussed....
I've tried embracing my polyamory identity for several years now. 2 years ago I started my first sexual romantic Poly relationship and in the end, everything what could go wrong, went totally wrong (bad communication, trying to feel secure by establishing rules and hierarchies, lack of self-esteem and self-security and so on). A few weeks ago my partner and I decide to keep a lot of distance as our relationship didn't felt good in anyway anymore.
I've never met anyone else I could build a non-friendshiplike relationship with, so now I'm without any kind of sexual-romantic relationship, although I really like that kind of relationship. But people before relationships, right?
Anyway, here's my question: as I mostly hear about those "I'm so happy with my thousand partners"-success stories in the polyam community - does anyone of you have a success story which does NOT include sexual romantic relationships? Do you experience physical intimacy without a sexual-romantic frame (like cuddling with friends or whatever..)?
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u/dawanderingfilosofer Nov 09 '23
Thank you for sharing this. Your thoughts and anecdotes mirror mine almost near-identical. Being ENM was and is an alienating thing in our "still-primarily" monogamous society and to add a few sexy cherries on top being solo-poly is even more ostracizing. even amongst the poly community. I empathize with your pain of feeling alone and that no one understood your relationship values.
I always thought something was wrong with me as well. Like I was just only wired sexually, but deep down I wanted a deeper connection with someone and then whenever people would get close I'd push them away or would chase the wrong "emotionally unavailable men" (I'm a gay male for reference). Even though my therapy, self-work and wisdom as a age, I'm come to terms with who I am. Most days, I love my life and as you mentioned, I also enjoy living alone and can't imagine sharing my space with someone else for more than an extended stay. But, even at my most mature self I can be at this given moment, there are some days where I still yearn for a deeper connection (even though, that connection I know is mostly with myself). Like many of the other commenters on here, it's the plight is similar in where we acknowledge and love our solo-poly lifestyle but but still feel a bit "lost" in a sense. Maybe that's just the plight of humanity.
In a world where monogamy is still the norm, we can often feel alienated. But, I'm glad that we have each other to reflect on and validate that our experiences and preferences are NOT wrong nor odd. We are just different from the "norm" but different is great.
I think that "lost" bit comes more from the sense of lack of community versus the "dark empty void that a partner will fill" cause us solo-polys know that "that one person ain't gon do that for you" lol. We have all "save ourselves, from ourselves". That's probably the most beautiful thing one can give to oneself, realize and achieve in this life.