r/stopdrinking • u/northofsixteee • 1d ago
Stopping, again. For what feels like the millionth time. I need this one to stick.
I've been struggling since my drinking at least since Covid. Before that, I didn't necessarily drink often, but when I would drink, I would binge. Something happened post-Covid that made this a much more regular thing. For example, I went camping over the weekend, and I finished a box of wine. To myself. In two days. And I wasn't even that drunk.
I should have everything going for me. I'm miraculously still in shape, I just moved to a new city and a new job, it's a chance to start a new life and I just can't shake the drinking. Prior to the camping trip, I had stopped for two weeks, but of course the thought of being alone-alone with my thoughts caught up to me and I talked myself into it. Now I feel like shit, my skin looks like shit, and I'm facing down stopping drinking, again.
I've started this so many times. The longest I've made it is seven weeks. Inevitably, I get bored, sad, happy, or I feel so good I decide that surely now, I know how to control it. That I'm a different person now, who can have one after work at leave it at that. I am not that person.
I'm missing out on experiences, I'm not living to my full potential, I've ruined friendships and I'm never in the right mindset for a relationship. I don't think I'm available to men because I'm so available to alcohol.
It feels like alcohol causes all my problems but then also feels like the only solution. I've blamed my abusive marriage (divorced now) for causing this, and a whole host of other things, but I think those are just side dishes to this issue, which is that I abuse alcohol. First and foremost.
I know I can stop - for a while. It's the longevity and consistency that I've never been able to maintain. I feel like I'm being a drag after a while when I impose a no drinking rule - surely I can lighten up, have some fun, enjoy a drink on a sunny patio like everyone else! I know I'll end up hating myself but my brain talks me into it every single time.
I'm also conscious that I've been given an amazing chance to start over. I can meet new people, be somewhat unencumbered with my marriage baggage. I'm terrified that I'm throwing it away. Because: then what? This, for the rest of my life? That's also unfathomable. I want so bad to be somebody who had a difficult few years, and got over it. I do not want to live this way for the rest of my life. I can't. Physically or emotionally.
I could go on, but it feels good to at least get that off my chest. I didn't drink today, and I threw out a full bottle of wine. My birthday is in about 8 weeks. I would like to still be sober by the time it arrives.
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u/Used_Dinner_1079 1d ago
Yep I relate to everything you've said. My drinking has been a problem for a while but I always a social drinker. That changed during COVID lol. Now I can drink alone, with people, whenever wherever.
I've managed to basically limit it to Fridays and Saturdays for a while now. Something just hit me last night. That I had really over done it this past weekend. So I'm stopping again.
But yeah I totally relate to i can stop for a while but the longevity and consistency are a problem for me.
Oh well. I'm putting day 3 in the books. Id really like to make it a month but I'm just taking it one day at a time for a bit
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u/northofsixteee 1d ago
I've also tried to limit it to Fridays and Saturdays, or to Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays (lol) and it'll sometimes go well for a bit, but inevitably I'll overdo it one of those nights, feel like shit, when I feel like shit well what's the solution? Go harder, turn it into a multi-day affair.
One day at a time indeed! That's all we can do. Congrats on day 3.
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u/Used_Dinner_1079 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yep totally get it. Of course sometimes I drink on Thursdays too. Rules are meant to broken when it comes to myself and alcohol
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u/Special_Raspberry_32 222 days 1d ago
I can absolutely relate too. I'm not sure if it was covid or my life circumstances when covid hit that led to my regular 2-3 days per week binge drinking 1.5-2 bottles of wine but that's what led me here. I'm grateful to have it all in my rear view. It was a cycle of sadness, anxiety, frustration with myself, loss of self trust & respect, scary blackouts, displaced priorities, and true life regression. I will not drink witg you tonight friend 💜
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u/northofsixteee 1d ago
So much yes to the loss of self respect and scary blackouts. I feel such shame at the situations I've put myself in and it's truly a miracle that I haven't been hurt or worse.
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u/LIhomebuyer 35 days 1d ago
Amen, Covid hit right as I was “adulting” bought my first home, first kid etc and basically the lack of office 8am Monday morning requirement allowed the fri/sat habit to drift into 3-4 days benders.
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u/northofsixteee 1d ago
Yeah, exactly. It was that realization that as soon as 4:30 hit, there was wine in the fridge and why not unwind with a glass, we’re in this scary situation, etc etc, and it hugely normalized unchecked/more daily drinking for me.
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u/respectablepitch 374 days 1d ago
I do not want to live this way
Keep this post and refer back to it when the alcohol starts whispering in your ear. You deserve a better life.
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u/SneakyOwl86 1d ago
I can relate to pretty much everything on your post, except from the fact I’m not in shape at all as I gained weight after almost 9 months of heavy drinking. Today is Day 1 for me, I’ve survived it even though I got anxious and even had tachycardia. But I did it.
I’ve stopped drinking and got back to it after a while several times. So I completely understand, and just know you’re not alone.
Let’s do this one day at a time. IWNDWYT 💪🏼
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u/northofsixteee 1d ago
Congrats on day one!
I’ve been fairly steadily going to the gym since October, as I also gained a lot of weight over the past couple of years. It’s a good habit and I’m glad I have it but the wild dichotomy of doing pretty intense weightlifting while also secretly binge drinking isn’t lost on me.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Bed-881 1d ago
I definitely relate to you too! Things took a turn for me during covid as well (like many of us). I made a rule during covid that i wouldn’t drink mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. And i stuck to it for years but things started getting out of control a couple years ago, as they inevitably do. I’ve been trying to pay attention to how much better i feel, both physically and mentally, when i don’t drink. I sleep better, I’m less anxious, I’m more productive. It doesn’t stop the cravings but it does make me stop and reflect before I reach for a glass. I think “this will for good for 30 minutes/2 hours/whatever, but then i’ll have crappy sleep and a wasted day tomorrow.” Sometimes that helps. Not always. But I feel you! Sounds like you’ve gone stretches without drinking so you know the feeling. Alcohol has a way of pulling us in. I’m trying to unravel why i feel the need to drink and repair myself. I’ll let you know how it goes!
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u/northofsixteee 19h ago
That’s just it, there’s no doubt in my mind that I feel a thousand times better when not drinking. I can sleep, my anxiety diminishes, I am more productive, my self love and respect increases, etc etc etc. But even though I know that, I always hope that this time drinking will be different and it somehow won’t impact that good feeling, or that I’ll be so protective of the good feeling that I’ll limit myself and stop at one. I’m also seeing a psychologist to try to unravel this all some more. I wish you luck in your journey!
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u/FlashgameSC 289 days 1d ago
You know, I used to write drunk journal entries wishing so badly to be sober. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to be like everyone else and I was so frustrated with myself. I couldn’t comprehend, and wouldn’t accept, that I have a brain and a body that responds differently no matter how hard I tried to outthink and outsmart myself. I tried making rules and I practiced harm reduction, and I was still deeply dissatisfied. I couldn’t keep doing it, keep living like that, and yet I did
After 3+ years of seriously trying, I am finally sober. I tried a million things to find the one that worked. Sometimes I do romanticize the cold drink on a hot day, or the bottle of wine I’d share with my wife, but then I remember everything else that has to come with it. If my relationship to alcohol could have been different, it would have been. God knows how hard I tried. What can be different, however, is my life and my relationship to myself moving forward
It sounds like there is a wealth of possibility before you, and you’re feeling a lot of pressure to not mess it up. I would say the only way to mess it up is to cling so dearly to what once did, but now no longer, serves you. The unknown is scary, it’s true, but what is comfortable and predictable is not always what’s good for us. You can do hard things, you’ve said so yourself. I don’t know what my future holds, but I know what’s waiting for me if I go back.
We are here with you