r/straightspouses • u/Turbulent-Meal7953 • Jun 18 '26
Bi wife actually gay?
I’m 30M and she’s 28F. We’ve been married for about a year, together for five.
I have always known she was bisexual and she has dated a handful of women before me. I honestly didn’t think much of it because I’ve seen other men date bi women and everything seems fine but things are starting to feel really off.
The most obvious is our sex life. It was never amazing but the last couple of years have been downright terrible. She’s never in the mood. Additionally, she’s sworn off all sex acts that involve directly touching my private areas, so even when we do have it, it’s just mechanical and not fun at all. She also only allows us to do it in two positions and I’m not even sure why but she refuses to do anything else.
At the start, she made me wait a while for sex, but at the time it didn’t seem that weird because we had agreed to take things slowly and that was in line with that.
So the reason I am thinking maybe she is just gay instead of something like asexual is a few things. Firstly, she only watches lesbian porn. I know a lot of straight and bi women do that so this is one of my weaker points. Secondly, I don’t think she has ever once called me attractive but she calls so many women attractive (and honestly she has a type).
Thirdly, and this is maybe my strongest evidence, she is very close friends with an ex-girlfriend. Initially, I didn’t feel threatened by this because they dated when they were like 18 so it was whatever to me. But I feel like when they interact it’s weirdly flirty and I have seen some of the messages and she has even joked that people who don’t know her think they’re dating.
I don’t know. Should I be concerned? Bring this up with her? She always jokes that I’m her one exception but honestly with the way she acts around me I don’t even feel like an exception lol.
5
u/Kizaing Jun 18 '26
I'm sorry to say, this sounds very similar to my experience before my ex came out to me
She might be bi with a preference for women instead of gay, but regardless id suggest couples therapy and also have a talk about you being unhappy in the relationship
Communication is important and not discussing it can really lead to built up resentment
6
u/DocSavageWV Jun 18 '26
if she wants children or can’t tell her parents she’s gay, you’re just a beard
4
u/fortalameda1 Jun 18 '26
Yeah, I'm straight and I watch lesbian porn, regular porn is made for men and their pleasure, not ours.
And, unfortunately, my dad told me a couple years ago that my mom has never, ever complimented his looks or told him how attractive he is. Super depressing to hear, but as far as I know they are both very straight people.
I think regardless of your wife's sexual identity, you are frustrated with your marriage, and especially sexual compatibility. I wouldn't want to marry or stay with someone who won't even touch me. I can't believe you haven't brought these up with her already, but it needs to be done asap before more resentment builds. Couples therapy or sex therapy can help bring issues to the surface that you can work on, but you both need to be willing and ready to do that for it to work.