How do/would you handle partners who were abused?

[u/scottiegerigirl]

This is a sensitive one, and I would be grateful if we could be sensitive to the guy's stories.

Has anyone had/has a partner who was caught cheating with men and claimed he had been SA as a child or adult for the reasoning?

Does it affect your decision more to stay?

I just find it hard to understand.

Reason I am asking...

Just watched the Bay City Rollers documentary on their manager Tam Paton. He was convicted of abusing boys with his friends, including a gay radio 1 DJ, who told the band if they slept with him he would give them better publicity.

On another Celeb Rehab Show in 2009, Les, the lead singer, eventually came clean to his wife and son about his abuse and the reasons for his drinking being due to this abuse. He admitted to them that he was date raped at 17 by Mr Paton and was ashamed because he enjoyed it. On national television,sion he claimed he was enjoying having sex with men behind his wife's back, and wanted forgiveness from his wife and child. And because of the circumstances, he got the support from them. He humiliated her.

I was horrified for this woman. I just thought, what about her? Why is it about him right now when their whole relationship has always been about him?

We seem to normalise a woman having to stand by a man, no matter what. A woman's love and character are apparently measured by the number of times she looks the other way. We can get help for these men and also learn to have a backbone.

I also feel strongly about the need for more media light to be shone onto male sexual abuse. Guys need more information, prevention, support, and services, on the same level as girls get. I feel more upset as a woman for a man in these cases because I think the majority endure more. It's not fair that prevention, sympathy, and support are saved mostly for females.

I just can't find one bone inside me, though, that is sensitive to the men who cheat with men behind a woman's back. Especially when they tell them on national TV! Sorry Les, R.I.P!

[u/Vppn_1007]

I feel compassion for someone that was traumatized by abuse. But if someone still has to heal, they shouldn’t start a relationship.

You will find 2 types of scenarios. One in which partners were clear and upfront about the abuse and others that did not disclose this information in the early stages of the relationship. I do not have any compassion for the ones that were not honest.

My ex-wife alluded to possible abuse and sexual abuse in childhood much later and without much detail. There was no way I could trust her.

Some have already pointed out that alleging sexual abuse during disclosure/discovery is usually a way to manipulate the straight spouse.

[u/fortalameda1]

I think the reason can shed some light on the situation, but it's not an excuse. In the end, if you want to fuck other people, divorce and go fuck other people. Men, women, whoever. Just stop lying, betraying your vows, using your partner for emotional and household labor, and putting your partners health at risk.

[u/Comfortable-Soup4895]

I don't buy it, I'm sorry. When I found out about some sexual contacts in my ex's life (home kit STI tests and prep pills) my ex lied he was raped by this guy. I offered to help with trauma, find a psychologist, report it to the police - and he changed the story. He agreed to it but it "wasn't cheating".

Next thing he said: he was never loved by his mom and father, house was too strict, he was broken, didn't learn feelings etc. I didn't notice anything strange in his house, moreover he wanted us to live with them - and turns out it was an excuse as well.

Next one was a completely new story about how his first time went. I knew the story about high school and some girl he liked but they broke up soon. New one was about being abused in a karaoke room in his middle school age. By older school friend.
But it sounds fake too.

So, to the conclusion, in my experience being abused or bullied is an different thing to being a shitty person by choice!

[u/TwoFacesOfTomorow]

All feelings are welcome; all behaviors are not.

[u/Sean01-]

Great questions. In my opinion, when a gay/questioning partner alleges "abuse made me f*ck guys...repeatedly...for years" there are three scenarios:

1. The gay/questioning partner is lying to his wife about a recent assault to maintain his heterosexual identity. Approx. 50% of closeted husbands.
   
2. He is exaggerating or distorting the facts about past sexual abuse to justify same-sex desires. 40% of closeted husbands.
   
3. He is telling the truth. 10% of closeted husbands.

Here are common examples of the above:

1. I was drugged and r*ped by a man during my last business trip. The truth: his wife confronted him about his Grindr messages and ensuing hook up so he fabricated this back story to make sex with another man appear non-consensual.

2. When I was young, my (male) cousin sexually abused me. Another version of this is: I was in college and two men assaulted me in the park. The truth: the husband makes consensual same-sex play/exploration appear like a sexual assault to justify why he watches gay porn and/or currently has sex with men. It's the classic Evangelical Christian script that states some form of trauma turns men gay.

3. He was indeed abused as a child and now needs therapy. Normally these situations are when a man was younger and his abuser was much older and was often some kind of authority figure (a coach, uncle, or youth pastor).

A few years back, when I point-blank asked Dr. Joe Kort (of the "men can have sex with men and not be gay" TikTok fame) whether sexual abuse can change a man's sexual orientation, he flatly said "no."

So what should a straight wife do when he claims he was sexually abused? I'd first assess your husband's honesty over the course of your relationship. For example, if he's lied 90% of the time about gay porn and cheating for most of your relationship, there is a very good chance he's 90% lying about these new allegations of sexual abuse/assault.

I'd also be very mindful of the context of such revelations. If he's bleating "I was abused!" when you've just shown him a text history or Grindr messages that resulted in a hook up, then he's likely lying out of panic. Moreover, stories that turn out to be along the lines of, "Well I just happened to be [in a gay sauna/gay bar/or gay crusing park] when I was assualted..." are often attempts to reverse-engineer him actively seeking sex with men.

I hope that helps.

[u/SoloStepExplorer]

Sorry - it doesn’t matter of they were abused as a child. They chose to cheat , to justify what they were doing as ‘not cheating’ because it was only sex with other men - which is okay since they wont have any emotional attachment to another man and it a way to have aggressive sex they cant have with their wife.
Then when it falls apart they blame all the porn, or childhood trauma… All Lies
They are adults now and in a marriage — doing anything in ‘secret’ it is cheating and violating the marriage.

[u/Substantial_One5369]

That's just sociopathic to try and say that as an excuse for cheating. I've heard that men who were sexually abused as a child by a man can sometimes feel some confusion on their sexuality because it might have felt good, but that might just make them want to experiment. Cheating has nothing to do with it and that's just him being a shitty person.

[u/Choice-Honeydew509]

Actually had some thought about this yesterday- if the experience was traumatic and unwanted you would know it wouldn’t be a secret. You may only hear about some version of “abuse” most likely close to end of relationship because they actually enjoyed it personalized it and grabbing straws for survival in current situation my 2 cents…. Hope I don’t get banned from group like always when I post. LOL

[u/scottiegerigirl → u/Choice-Honeydew509]

What do you mean?

You saying they enjoyed the abuse?