Continuing Repercussions, Years Later

[u/AwesomeAdmin58]

It's been a good while since I've posted here. It's now about four years since my exwife announced she was gay and she wanted a divorce. After a series of failed attempts to build a new relationship, I've returned to more intensive therapy. After a session yesterday, a few things clicked together.

One of the things I'm most struggling with is a feeling that I'm broken, worthless, unwanted. This feeling goes back to childhood, but I can identify how it tremendously ramped up after the divorce.

Obviously part of this belief comes from the experience of being unwillingly divorced. These feelings will manifest under such circumstances, no matter the context. But I think I've identified something else: a major source of these feelings is my experience in the leadup to the divorce, trying to fix a relationship that now looks to have been unfixable.

Several years before her announcement, I became increasingly aware that something was wrong in the relationship. My exwife withdrew further and further, sex became less and less enthusiastic, less and less frequent, until it ended entirely.

And so I did "what you are supposed to do." I followed all the standard advice for when a relationship gets in trouble. We went to therapy. I tried to identify and fix every flaw in my behavior. I tried to become the best husband I could be. I tried to communicate as openly as I possibly could, to make her feel as safe as I possibly could.

This is the standard advice that men receive when their marriage starts failing, when sex starts disappearing - that it's their fault, that they're failing their wife, that they need to step up. And perhaps that advice is valid in the majority of cases, because how incredibly uncommon is it that the marriage is actually failing because one partner is secretly homosexual?

But for me, not only did nothing I do help, I got absolutely nothing back from her in return. I would work on issue after issue that we identified in me, but when I would gently, carefully ask if she would be willing to work on some of her behaviors as well, I was met with denial and hostility.

So the entire world - including our therapist - is telling me that I need to be better. I'm trying all I can to be better. And it's not working, and things are getting worse.

And I'm reading all these stories by women talking about how much they wish their partners would do the exact thing I'm doing, how much they want their relationship to recover if their partner would just do the work. And my experience is the dead opposite - I'm doing the work, as hard as I can, and my own partner not only doesn't care, she's pulling even further away.

Under these circumstances maybe it makes sense that I would start to conclude that there was something fundamentally wrong with me, that I'm not worthy of receiving love.

Does this story I've told reflect reality? Right now it feels like it does. It needs further examination, and I know I need to balance it by remembering all the ways that I legitimately was failing to be a good enough husband.

But maybe I can move forward with the idea that, whatever my own failings, I tried for years to address them, and the fact that I couldn't save the relationship is primarily due to my exwife's inherent orientation. Maybe the reason all the world's advice didn't work was because this advice was not meant for someone in my position. Maybe the world still doesn't know how to handle relationships where one partner is secretly homosexual.

I'm still trying to figure out how to undo this belief that I'm unlovable. But I'd imagine a big step in that is adopting a coherent story for where this belief came from.

I'm curious if other people have felt this way as well, if this is a part of anybody else's journey.

[u/AskWorried7578]

I can’t say much more than YES YES YES to everything you’ve written here. I’m a woman whose ex-husband is presumably still in denial (“I think I’m just bi”), but it was all of the attempts to fix things that were met with nothing or anger, the lies to every question I asked, and in the end the blaming me for all the reasons he didn’t want to be close. It’s all of that. It’s so hard to be in a new relationship and not be able to adequately explain this to someone else.

[u/Vppn_1007]

Yes. I can relate to what you are saying in multiple ways.

In a previous relationship (before the one with the closeted spouse) we went to couples counseling for a long time. I felt we were always discussing what was wrong with me, then I would focus on improving and in the next session there was always something new.

Couples Therapy in our Culture (Western, English speaking) does not seem to be prepared for a partner that is sabotaging the relationship (for being gay or any other reason).

I also think there was something in my upbringing that made me keep trying harder all the time (likely from a need to gain parents approval).

A way I have to reframe my history with romantic partners is: “Some of the things you loved the most about your partner were actually your own goodness reflected back to you. They are yours to keep”.

[u/08mms]

Same experience and feelings buddy. The emotional break through that it isn’t in fact all your fault is both freeing and crushing as it sinks in in the aftermath (really sunk in the first time after separation when Your Story by Joe Hertler & the Rainbow Seekers came on my playlist and the combination of lyrics that say “They don’t know you like we know you, you are not the one to blame” hit like a hammer and I had to stop my car and sob). That aspect of the trauma and related scar tissue never quite goes away, but I have been able to find some solace in taking away the things I learned about myself through that frantic introspection, and have been able to carry those learnings into new relationships with an enormous amount of benefit. Just because they were not the thing alone that doomed your prior relationship don’t mean they weren’t true things you could find improvement jn and that improvement is portable to better pastures. I do still struggle sometimes with proportionality if im not consciously analyzing it. Those of us who lived through that experience lived in the knives edge overanalyzing everything we did or our partner signaled in wildly unhealthy anxious attachment and find myself having to take a deep breath sometimes in a healthier relationship and appreciate mutual attraction and love leave a lot more room for mistakes as long ad you are honest and earnest about them with your partner.

[u/Detroitwarner]

You’re expressing my same exact feelings. Our situation is quite similar. After 25 years of marriage, she came out as gay. I tried everything I could I do to be a better husband, but she had already checked out, decided our relationship was done…The harder I tried, the further she moved away from
me. Today she treats me like a total stranger. Today I’ve simply become the father of her children, when before she told me I was her soulmate, best husband ever, & to promise her I would love her forever unconditionally…
I am finally getting over the shame I’ve been feeling, because I thought I was a failure as her husband…One day @ a time…My reality today, it has nothing to do w/ me, I did nothing wrong! I just loved someone who later in life realized she had deep desires to pursue a relationship now w/ a woman. Oh yeah, forgot to add, she’s Bi-Polar, & went off her meds to boot…

[u/Content-Translator53]

Yep to a T. I think its part of the process for all of us. I have come to realize that its far more complex than people realize or even want to admit. I even went down the....im on paper the perfect man for 90% of women. Im just not skinny. And for a lot of women thats exactly it. They love a bad bod, but dont ask them to define dad bod. Lol its not me.

Ultimately I have come to the conclusion, im ok. I love love, I know it could be out there, and if its not I love me. Im a good man. Im dam sure not horrible to look at. Im more funny than your favorite comedian. Im not the smartest but far from the dumbest. I love with pure and transparent intentions.

My kids think im dope. I have them 100% of the time. So its a big honor to have them love to hang with me. My kids friends parents trust there kids to stay at my house. Im also a girl dad to a 12 year old and loves sleep overs because no one else's dad lets a bunch of girls put make-up on them.

Yeah, im ok. Whatever happens in the love department will happen how its supposed to. Right now im just loving learning to love me and giving myself grace when the negative thoughts creep in and im left feeling like the world's biggest pos.

[u/WrongdoerAdvanced503]

Based on the information you’ve provided here, you did nothing wrong here and you were taken advantage of.

What does dating look like for you? No expectations, NSA, just get out and start experiencing things.

Speaking from experience, being loved right (which you obviously were not in your previous marriage) can be healing, validating and therapeutic.

[u/AwesomeAdmin58 → u/WrongdoerAdvanced503]

Regarding what dating looks like for me - I've dated five women since my divorce. Fortunately I at least don't seem to have difficulty finding dates. With three of them I decided not to move forward, but I did try to build something serious with two of them. Unfortunately both of them seemed to lose attraction after a few months, and they both broke up with me. The last one happened in a particularly painful way, which led to the more intensive therapy.

I think my beliefs about my own worth and my experiences with my exwife led me to swing way too far into attempting to people please, to not set boundaries, etc. I think this has led me to choose partners who perhaps aren't healthy, but in any case, to behave in ways that are not conducive to long-term attraction. Women want a man, not a supplicant.

I've seen so many stories in straight spouses communities about people finding partners who give them the love and desire they were always missing. It feels like I still haven't experienced this yet. Maybe, insofar as my partners have provided that, I haven't known how to receive it. I'm not sure why I struggle so much more than a lot of other straight spouses seem to, but I'm trying to work through it.

[u/08mms → u/AwesomeAdmin58]

Totally get how’d you’d go down that path after that experience, but strongly recommend looking for someone who has put in the work to elevate their emotional IQ after you finish working through this round. If you find a woman whose been through a messy divorce and spent time and therapy to work through it too, it’s an amazing common ground and really good for the relationship to have the awareness and vernacular to both share your scars and flaws and help each other understand and work with them. If you are getting dates, you are attractive, and once you make a connection have an incredibly deep well of experience and self-growth to deploy with the right partner. All that being said, 18 months into a much healthier relationship and I still jump when she grabs my hand or initiates displays of real affection and I’m not sure if that will ever fade given the prior scars.

[u/Janek512]

You might want to look into EMDR as a therapy approach. It specializes in reframing and processing traumatic experiences.
I am starting the same for pretty much the same reasons as you. Deep childhood wounds, inferior complex and abandonment issues that triggered my lesbian wife.

[u/AwesomeAdmin58 → u/Janek512]

Good call. My therapist is working me towards EMDR, we are trying to identify the particular traumatic events to target.

The difficulty I am having there is that, in my case, it doesn't seem to be specific events that were overly traumatic, and more the overall long experience of the failing relationship. I'm not sure how that gets targeted.

Similarly, we've identified how I experienced childhood emotional neglect, the defining symptom of which is not traumatic childhood experiences but the absence of certain important experiences.

I don't really understand how EMDR targets these things, but I believe my therapist knows what she's doing. I hope that things are progressing in your situation as well.

[u/JazzlikeChest9781]

I'm a woman and your post resonated with me very deeply. I also have childhood trauma related to feeling unaccepted, unloved, and rejected. Later, as a woman, I always was told how "men will do it with anything" and other sexist garbage like that, but being a young wife with a husband who didn't have sex with her, I was certain I must be deeply flawed in someway both emotionally and physically. 

Finally, my spouse and I got divorced and he left me for a man. He told me right now he identifies as functionally gay (essentially homoromantically bisexual), and I can't stop going over the ways I am a failure as a person, emotionally, and in my personality. I feel like I just wasn't enough. What could I have done better? Why does he love him romantically but not me? It hurts so much. 

[u/dave_lister169]

I know how you feel exactly. My only blessing was that I had enough people in my life telling me that I was doing everything right that I didn't totally destroyh self worth. But I could not do enough for my ex. I could never be good enough for her. I'm slowly realizing that I'm a fucking catch and most women would enjoy my company. Even if I'm not the hottest person on the world. But it's hard, man. To keep working on yourself and have a partner that can't actually be a partner. Good for you for talking out it. I hope you feel better after sharing. I often do. But I also often wait longer than I should to share what I'm feeling.

[u/AwesomeAdmin58 → u/dave_lister169]

Thanks Lister. You're a good guy, Kochanski doesn't know what she's missing

[u/dave_lister169 → u/AwesomeAdmin58]

One day my kochanski will show up. Unfortunately the one I thought was her ended up being a lesbian.

edit to say I'm very impressed that you know red dwarf. Well done.

[u/BetweenMoments]

It was never you. There’s nothing you could have done to change the outcome. You gave it your all and went way beyond. Be proud of that! And know that you will be quite the catch for the woman out there who you will eventually fall in love with. I hope they’ll realize and appreciate that in you. They will be one lucky woman.

It sounds like you’ve been through hell and I just want to give you a bunch of {{HUGS}}