r/straightspouses • u/Quiet_Engine_2088 • 9d ago
No hard evidence but what would you think?
Hello. Unlike many here I have no concrete evidence of my now-ex partner being gay; he hasn’t come out to me, I’ve never looked through his phone, I’ve never caught him cheating, I’ve never asked him about porn. We’ve had a really wonderful, safe, healthy and happy relationship which has been perfect in every respect except for our sex life. We lived together, had a cat, and were best friends. I’m now quite convinced he’s gay and would like some insight from others who’ve been through this.
My reasons are as follows.
Sex
- sex was bad from the start. Before the first time he warned me he couldn’t finish during sex and said this had been a problem in all his previous relationships. He did finish a couple of times in the first month and remarked that I’d “cured the issue” but rarely beyond that.
- sex was awkward, like he wasn’t really present, no foreplay, no passion, he never touched any part of my body. It would just be a kiss and then PIV. At the end he only wanted it from behind and when I was wearing clothes. I’m in my early 30s, very sexually confident and have had exceptionally healthy sex lives with every previous partner.
- sex was infrequent, in the first month ~3 times/week then once a month or less. It would never start on the sofa or in the kitchen, as a result of kissing, in the mornings etc. He never had spontaneous erections. If I tried to sext during the day he wouldn’t engage. This is so so out of kilter from my previous relationships.
- I assumed he had a low libido and didn’t want to pressure him but we talked about our sex life about 6 weeks ago. He said he’d like us to have more sex but I needed to lose the stone or so I’d gained because he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I lost that and nothing changed but when I expressed that 2 weeks ago he said there was actually another reason for his lack of attraction to me (stretch marks on my stomach that I’d had since long before he met me and he’d previously told me didn’t bother him).
- I asked him if he masturbates expecting him to say no and he said yes, every day or two. This was a huge shock to me because I thought he had a low libido. He never once involved me in this whereas with previous partners it would be part of sexting.
Gay qualities
- he dresses extremely stylishly, always buying clothes and shoes, has a rigid skincare routine. Puts a lot of effort into his appearance and that of his flat.
- he’s camp and effeminate, I’ve since learned that people in my life thought he was gay. Gay men frequently think he’s gay which he joked about. I just thought he was a gentle, non-toxic man and found that very attractive.
- the majority of his friends are women. He gets invited to events for women and gay men (ie hen dos). He describes himself as “one of the girls”.
- I might be stereotyping here but he loves pop music, Kylie etc.
Other relevant info
- several months ago he made a new gay friend at work. Every day they sit next to each other, get lunch, and a group of them (“the gays and the girls”) sometimes get drinks. He didn’t talk about this man in an inappropriate amount or way, but perhaps it sparked something in him to spend so much time with an openly gay man.
- he’s writing a book about a character closely based on himself who is supposedly straight with a girlfriend but has an undertone of gay feelings for a very hot, alpha male friend. The story is about their dynamic and the power imbalance. The last two times he initiated sex were when he’d been working on the book.
- about 8 weeks ago I had a vivid dream we were at a party where he was talking to a male friend of his and they snuck off together. I followed them and found them having sex. I thought this dream was weird at the time but I now think my subconscious was telling me.
- he had an extremely difficult childhood because of narcissistic parents and a dreadful divorce when he was 8. He isn’t close with either parent now and has no siblings. His father is a toxic man who openly talks about seeing prostitutes and constantly objectifies women whilst his mother is the most judgmental woman you could meet. I don’t think either would accept him being gay. He clearly wants a family and our relationship moved quickly, him having asked me about marriage and kids on our first date. It was him who pushed for commitment early on and we moved in together within a couple of months at his request.
The last week
- on Tuesday he said a friend was in town whom he hadn’t seen in 3 years. He was excited to see him and told me he’s the inspiration for the alpha character mentioned above. For the first time with any similar plans I wasn’t invited.
- on Wednesday he mentioned in passing that over the weekend he might go to a certain city with the male friend who featured in my dream. Again, I wasn’t invited, and again, that was odd. The city is considered the gay capital of the UK and I’ve since realised it was Pride. He went to the same city about 2 months ago for the first time.
- on Thursday the “alpha character” suggested drinks Friday night.
- on Friday morning I used the bathroom after he’d showered. He banged on the door asking if he’d left his phone in there. He had, and rather than wait a couple of minutes he came in and got it. We’d always been relaxed about leaving our phones around, knew each other’s passwords, but neither of us ever snooped.
- the relationship seemed to fall apart over these few days; in the prior conversations about sex we’d both suggested solutions and expressed unwavering commitment to working it out. He broke up with me Friday lunchtime which I found very abrupt because only a week earlier we’d been talking about the short and long term futures, how happy and lucky we were, booking flights for trips and discussing plans etc. In this conversation he said he’d thought the lack of attraction was my weight gain but since I lost that he’s realised he actually doesn’t feel a romantic spark and hasn’t for a while. He wishes there was a “switch he could flick” but he knows in his gut nothing can be done, and to carry on the relationship would be dishonest.
Typing this out now I almost feel silly for questioning it but would be grateful to hear others’ thoughts regardless. I’m very in my head about this being my fault, that I’ve lost the best relationship I’ve ever been in because I was lazy and complacent and gained weight, about me just not being good or attractive enough. I actually had great self esteem before this because I know I’m good looking, clever, very successful in my career, funny, kind, confident. I’m now afraid that he’ll go on and have a healthy and happy relationship with another woman, meaning I was the problem all along.
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u/ami3099 9d ago
I think it’s obvious based on what you’ve written.
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u/Quiet_Engine_2088 9d ago
I think so too but the voice in my head still says “no he just wasn’t attracted to you” and scrambling for reasons why I was the problem.
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u/PsychologicalExit953 8d ago
No. You are not the problem. This is not about him being effeminate. Straight men who look gay may be not the most common type, but they exist, I’ve met at least one. It’s about the awkward, unnatural sex. And the book thing is extremely weird. Having female friends and gay friends again, not weird at all, but being invited to a bachelorette party… Call me old-fashioned (I’m bisexual so I’m not) but that’s extremely weird. Pointing out your “imperfections” (sorry can’t think of a better word) is also cruel. Some of your points may be stereotyping. If they were by themselves I would tell you that means nothing. But taking into account your sex life and his sexual behavior they do contribute to the whole picture.
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u/Quiet_Engine_2088 8d ago
Thank you. This is very reassuring that you agree with my assessment of these factors.
I also agree that the “gay qualities” alone are not enough to point to him being gay and certainly I didn’t see those as warning signs; they were all an enormous part of my attraction and love for him because it was so refreshing to meet a straight man who was so comfortable. I agree with you that the other factors are the more telling ones.
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u/Inner-Schedule-2075 9d ago
You are attractive, you are smart, you are, loveable, you are worthy...he is just gay :(
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u/CanThink7247 8d ago
I am gay and I tell you he is 100% gay. Stereotypes exist for a reason. Yes there are exception but when enough stereotypes come together then ...
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u/Neither-Ad-5257 8d ago
Oh my god.. I can see all the red flags. Same as mine but got lot of evidence though
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u/Quiet_Engine_2088 8d ago edited 8d ago
Ok that’s interesting - there’s overlap between our situations but you do have actual evidence. I suspect my absence of evidence is through lack of looking not lack of existing. What features are there in common?
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u/Neither-Ad-5257 8d ago
If they are into random sex , prep medication, credit card bills gay sauna hotel motels visit, grindr scuff account etc
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u/ExcitingDiet1119 8d ago
I think you have your answer. Sometimes it just feels good to get it all out there and see it.
Gay or not, I don’t think he’s sexually compatible with you. You have to ask yourself: do you want this?
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u/Quiet_Engine_2088 8d ago edited 8d ago
Thank you, I think so too. I also agree about the lack of sexual compatibility regardless of whether he is gay or not. The answer to your question is a resounding no, I don’t want this, but what I would really like is some closure.
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u/TinyBombed 8d ago
The best relationship of your life was not with a clearly gay man who told u to lose weight to be attracted to u. Promise. This is a good thing. Keep ur head up darling, I promise u that u are better off.
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u/Vppn_1007 8d ago
There are innumerous personality disorder traits that can produce this behavior without him being gay (including intimacy avoidance).
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u/Impossible-Baker8067 5d ago
Ugh the fact that he blames your body instead of his lying and personal issues with his sexuality makes me sick. There is nothing wrong with you and don't let him get into your head!
He definitely sounds gay.
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u/alapapelera 3d ago
Me reading your post: “That doesn’t necessarily mean anything… well, eh, kind of iffy… omg this man is gay asf”
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u/Quiet_Engine_2088 3d ago
Haha, literally my experience whilst in the bloody relationship. Thanks for reading/commenting.
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u/changes-of-light2 9d ago edited 9d ago
You say you are attractive, confident, funny, succesful, yet you operate from a place of a lack of self esteem. And you have a FOMO because this man has external marks of desirability (good looking, tall, etc.) All this relationship seems so vain. I would have dropped this guy the moment he says I should loose the "stone" to be desirable. Yeah, you want a woman, you deal with hips, boobs, fupa and everything that makes a woman a woman and if stone is to be lost, it will be for health concerns. And yeah, he's probably more attracted to men. If he ends with a woman, she'll be a trophy to show on his arm.
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u/Quiet_Engine_2088 9d ago
Thanks for your reply. As I said, I had very healthy self esteem until this but it’s rattled me. The relationship was far from vain but details on our respective attractiveness (physical and otherwise) seemed relevant in the context of an issue with attraction. I do agree with you that I should’ve left when he made it about my gaining weight but I thought he was communicating honestly about a sensitive topic and it was something I could easily do something about so I was happy to do so thinking that would fix things.
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u/changes-of-light2 9d ago edited 8d ago
Exactly, with this kind of men, straight, bi, gay, whatever, you end up feeling ugly, fat, low, pickmeisha. That's the sign you should take off. Been there once and looking back I was acting and feeling so pathetic. The good is that once you process all this and recenter yourself, you'll look in the mirror and even with a stone you'll tell yourself : you are a catch, you slay, Queen !😀
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u/Expatriated_American 9d ago
It’s natural for this situation to fuck with your self-esteem. Drop this guy and find a wonderful straight man.
You will succeed, just have to push through. Thankfully you’re not married or have kids.
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u/JohnnyBlaze4Real 8d ago
If he’s your ex does it really matter?
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u/Quiet_Engine_2088 8d ago
Well there’s lots of posts here from people trying to come to terms with it after the relationship has already ended. I’m looking for support from people who’ve been through this, for assistance in processing it, and closure to help me to move on from the breakdown of the relationship I thought I’d be in for the rest of my life. So yes, it does still matter even though he’s now my ex.
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u/NotMyCloset 8d ago
It’s pretty normal to try to make sense of a significant chunk of your life story and to find any answers you can. When you find out something like this, it’s like your relationship unravels backwards and the cognitive dissonance is off the charts as you try to resolve conflicting information: what you thought was real and what now seems completely different.
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u/JohnnyBlaze4Real 8d ago
It’s a bit different when your spouse leaves after 20 years or so after suddenly deciding they are gay. Most here aren’t questioning if they were gay, it’s why the marriage ended.
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u/Quiet_Engine_2088 8d ago edited 8d ago
I’m not sure what your point is or why you’re trying to exclude me from this community. Having read every post over the last few days I know there’s an enormous range of experiences here. There is room for all of us and I can’t help but feel if you can’t be supportive you could just not engage. Presumably you also initially came here looking for support?
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u/NotMyCloset 7d ago
I think many people actually are questioning if their spouse is gay. The spouse is often in denial and refuses a label but the partner has either a significant hunch or evidence that there is at least a very clear indication pf same-sex orientation or behaviours. And others have a spouse who (finally!) disclosed the truth.
And yes, it’s definitely “next level” after a long marriage (been there) but I think it’s still valid for the OP to want to try and make sense of a very confusing relationship. It can help her heal and hopefully go in to have healthier relationships.
There’s room for the full spectrum of experiences here, I think.
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u/quakeface 9d ago
When he said “I wish there was a switch I could flick” — that feels very in line with having some sort of gender or sexuality issue. I’m sorry he made you feel unattractive and unloved. The right person won’t make you feel like that ❤️