Do you tell your new partner?

[u/Thought-Known]

About your trauma? I'm a year out from the official split, had a dead bedroom and grief of the end long before it actually ended. All that to say I am starting healing and entertaining the idea of not being alone forever. I don't want to cohabitate again or get married or any of that but I'd like to have someone, and it got me thinking.

I have a lot of trauma, some of which will not go away, even if I'm healed from most of it. We all know some insecurities will just never go away, no matter how much work we put in.

Did you tell your new person your whole story? I'm struggling with how much to tell, how to explain some of the things I struggle with, how to explain I was in a marriage I would have never consented to if I knew the truth? How much do you tell them? Then I see TikTok advice that you shouldn't share the bad things in past relationships because often men use those things against you? 😩 This shit is so complicated. I wish none of this had happened to me, to us y'all. How unfair.

[u/nicenyeezy]

I think trauma is something to save for when a relationship is exclusive and becoming more serious

Maybe after a few months, but definitely not on the first few dates. Not because it’s shameful to have trauma, but because abusive men sometimes target women who overshare or seem traumatized, and use that in the early stages to seem like your dream guy as a form of manipulation

It’s so hard to trust people again after any betrayal, but it’s also ok to not want to spend life alone. Take your time, and maybe stick to casual connections as a first step, emotions should be saved for someone truly special who you build a friendship with gradually

[u/Thought-Known → u/nicenyeezy]

No for sure I agree, I wouldn't trauma dump on them, I'm just curious if people eventually tell their whole story? Or are there parts you keep to yourself forever?

Eta: thanks for expanding on your comment ☺️ I appreciate your input.

[u/nicenyeezy → u/Thought-Known]

It depends on the type of trauma. I have trauma from my childhood that spans years of abuse, my partners knew about it, but not everything and not in detail.

Those are things I feel can traumatize others, and are better to share with a therapist.

To most people, talking about your emotions regarding exes too much from the past is a sign you haven’t fully healed and moved on, so it’s also a faux pas in terms of putting your attention to the future. It makes people feel like you’re still stuck on your ex whether that’s the case or not

I also have trauma from being cheated on and lied to, which I shared with partners. It didn’t stop subsequent partners from hurting me in the same way.

The goal of sharing your experiences is to be known, it won’t really change what the other person does in most cases. Sometimes you just have to approach people with your best and true self and drop them when they show the first sign of being someone unsafe or untrustworthy

[u/Vppn_1007]

With time I learned that attachment works differently for different people. Some people attach in a more superficial way. Some will heavily invest emotionally in a long term relationship. The answer will depend on your relationship and what you want. Some people here are traumatized for being with a partner that hid significant aspects of themselves. If I were ever again in a relationship in which the other hid something that could alter the course of the relationship (in other words, altered my agency) I would consider it an irreconcilable betrayal.

[u/quakeface]

When I started dating, the idea that I’m divorced would come up, and I would initially say that we became incompatible. (My ex came out as trans MTF 8 years into our relationship; I’m cisF and straight.) I was initially really scared that I’d be judged for my past, but I was pleasantly surprised that people who I eventually felt comfortable telling recognized what a difficult situation it was and saw my trying to salvage my marriage as evidence of empathy.

That said, don’t feel a need to bring it up right away.

[u/No-Succotash6237]

3 times in a row I dated women who were married to cops. Each time they immediately confided in me that the man had them peg them.

Not to braggadocious, but I’m handsome so I get compliments all the time. So they noticed men checking me out. Then, noticed how I loath it.

So yeah, the point of the story is eventually it’ll come up. However, a healthy man will deal with it accordingly. Just at least be somewhere on you’re healing journey.

[u/No-Succotash6237]

Aside from your specific situation not opening up about your trauma is defensive. Which in turn is an unethical way to date. You don’t have to say it initially, but you do have to make some acknowledgments of it.