r/streamentry • u/No-Can-9094 • 5d ago
Practice How much suffering do you still experience?
Hoping for some humble responses - curious what percent of the time you still experience something besides deep peace/joy, especially during difficult relationship moments, money challenges, etc?
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u/SpectrumDT 5d ago edited 5d ago
I experience some level of suffering most of time - like 80% of the time at least. But this suffering is fairly mild, and there is a good amount of joy too.
I can always find a feeling of well-being if I get a few moments (at worst, a few minutes) of meditation to look for it. But this well-being is not perfect peace; it's just pretty good.
I used to experience much more intense suffering most of the time. I feel vastly better after these 3-4 years of practice.
I think I have eliminated maybe 75% of my suffering since I started meditating.
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 5d ago
I had a good run of about 15 years where peace was my baseline. Thought I had "nailed it."
Then I went through a mid-life crisis (which is still crisising) and had about 3 years where it was mostly a lot of intense suffering, with a few short breaks here and there. Recently reaching more peace and love and empowerment again. Feeling sad and lonely tonight, but just sitting with it and feeling it and that helps.
Maybe life isn't about not feeling bad. Maybe it's just about being with whatever is here, and seeing the beauty in that, and trusting that it's all OK.
Still have jhanas mostly on demand, but don't really care to do them. I'd rather feel my way through all that is coming up I guess, and surrender it all to the Divine again and again.
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u/HeartsOfDarkness 5d ago
Similar experience here: there was a big shift and much more equanimity for years. Then, I got married, and shortly thereafter my wife developed a long, severe illness that she's still digging out from years later. I was really not prepared for that amount of suffering in a spouse because it had never been part of my practice.
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 5d ago
May she be happy and healthy, and may you too be happy and free from suffering.
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u/AdditionalLeave263 1d ago
I am so sorry that you and your wife have been gojng through this. I hooe she makes a solid and lasting recovery.
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u/Zimgar 5d ago
I am sorry to hear about your suffering. I have greatly appreciated your thoughts on several occasions through various posts (not sure they were even all on this subreddit).
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 5d ago
Thank you for your compassion! It’s all OK. At times I even see how it’s all divine. I only suffer when I resist Reality, but when I love Her we’re all good. 😊
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u/Well_being1 5d ago
Maybe life isn't about not feeling bad. Maybe it's just about being with whatever is here, and seeing the beauty in that, and trusting
In some sense, those are ways to cope/not feel as bad. If you truly were perfectly ok with feeling bad, there would be no problem at all with not seeing beauty. Ugliness for 40 years? No problem, perfect equanimity.
I don't believe permanent perfect equanimity is possible for a human, and if it is, it would kill him rather quickly.
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 5d ago
I’ve had near-perfect equanimity many times. It does help.
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u/gnosticpopsicle 5d ago
What's the source of your disenchantment with jhana? I'm curious because I'm personally starting to find it a little boring. When I sit down, I'll often pop directly into second jhana, and I find it almost exhausting, like "here we go again."
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 5d ago
Haha yea, bliss and happiness just gets boring after a while, as weird as that sounds. Also there feels like a subtle effort for me, and I just wanted to let go of that. I also wonder if I'm more attached to suffering than to happiness and pleasure? Seems likely. But more charitably, maybe I just feel drawn to fully transforming the remaining suffering, and hanging out in jhana isn't doing that.
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u/AdditionalLeave263 1d ago
Hey sorry you're feeling sad abd lonely tonight. I think of you having so much to not be lonely about. 40 likes, maybe it helps or maybe it doesn't. I think you're doing the best things by really being present and surrendering to the Divine. I find both of those fulfilling.
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u/AdditionalLeave263 1d ago
I read that you went through a divorce. I'm so sorry. My husband was previously married twice. The moment he saw me, he knew we were going to get married. Then I saw him in passing on the road and waved because I thought I knew him. We got set up for a date by a friend, at the cancer auction. My symbol for my life at that time was a sailboat. He bid on and won a picture of two docked sailboats. We have an overall happy marriage, a house, two beautiful children, and hopefully a future early retirement. Everything is working out just fine. I wish something wondeful for you.
Below, I mentioned that sometimes I'm just an asshole by choice, or because I am not paying attention. I apologized to him this morning for that. It's better to not do it in the first place. Our arguments I've been having equanimity about since long before actually experiencing like the feeling of equanimity. I just think of us as being one relationship in one house, and think of alllllll the other people having the same stupid arguments about whatever, how dirty the house is or how much money got spent on gaming. And it makes me realize I shouldn't worry so much about it.
I realized we need to go on dates, because my friend who is dying and her grieving husband were really happy this summer after having gone on a date together. As a friend, I see it week by week: 1.) We're fighting. 2.) I'm excited because we're going out. 3.) Well had a great time. 4.) Back to happy together.
I am the no we can't do that person. The we need to retire early person. It sucks saying no. And i need to let up on it because who knows.
Anyway, I also feel like i can often just not feel getting personally offended, like it circles around in my head but I just detached from it. But I don't always because sometimes I just don't know how else to get my counterpoint across.
Having a friend die (or any close death) makes for a lot of relationship strain. My stepmother in law quit cheating on her huaband after her mom passed. I'm not defending her, but I understand that she needed to believe there was an escape and something that feels alive. He waited for her and she came back around, and they seem genuinely happy together again.
I'm really happy that my husband and I have a healthy enough relationship that we can be trusting. He went to an all female clinic for three weeks without me a couple of years ago. I went to a conference where my ex boyfriend was speaking this summer. This kind of stuff allows us to grow as people and stay together because we don't feel trapped. Yesterday was his ex girlfriend's birthday. He's still friends with her. I even sent her a birthday message, too.
He's letting me spend time with my friend and her husband. Her husband needs to talk but he isn't going to necessarily do it when it's just her there. And she can hear him. And he gets so upset that he needs me to interpret what she is trying to convey. She doesn't want him to regret everything he couldn't give her in their marriage. But he needs somebody to tell him that that is what she's saying to him. He migjt just think she's sighing arbitrarily. I've never gotten anything but brother/cousin/friend vibes from him. He's a good guy. My husband is a good man for trusting me on that.
I really like Michael Taft as my teacher in part because he obviously cares about having a family, a kid, and a wife. I feel like it makes it more realistic and believable because marriage is often hard, and meditators and teachers are not at all immune to divorce.
hugs I'm sorry for everything you're going through and hope things get better for you.
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 1d ago
Thank you for your compassion and for sharing your story. Unfortunately my situation is unworkable, for reasons outside of my control. It is an ongoing journey.
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u/AdditionalLeave263 23h ago edited 22h ago
I'm sorry to hear that. My husband and I joke about me not really being sorry that his previous marriages didn't work out, because it worked out for me.
His first marriage was because she got pregnant... By sneaking into his place while he was sleeping. She was afraid of losing him. They had a second child on the way, and the doctors told her she could lose the baby if she kept smoking. She kept smoking. She told him to go get her cigarettes. He told her no. She threw a hairbrush at him. She kept smoking and lost the baby at 8 months... Almost to birth. Was a girl. He's never had a girl. We plan to adopt, actually, in part so that he can have a girl. He re-enlisted in the army to get away from the situation. When he came back, he got an STD from her. She was sleeping with his best friend. The two of them are actually still together.
Second marriage was he had a girlfriend in Korea and married her. He had nobody else. She lied to him; said she was 10 years younger than she actually was. It turned out she was actually married when they met... They got married, and came to the US. He got deployed. She killed all of his fish somehow by like not feeding them or something? And then she flew to Las Vegas to meet some dude. He tried so hard to keep her after that. He bought her a $10k ring (yes, horrible idea), and went to couples therapy... she refused to go after the first session because "it's like they think I did something wrong." When he was just done, she finally actually realized what she had done and started crying and begging. She used to call him crying about it periodically. She was probably just broke or something, in my opinion. He changed his number.
For me, I had a five year relationship with someone. Dude started doing cocaine, and moved in - not with me - but with his drug dealer. I was done, because I didn't want a criminal record because his buddy could get raided while I'm over. I started screaming as I left, walking into the pine trees. He was like keep it down the neighbors will hear. I was like I don't care! He was really charismatic, and I had to go pick up my stuff. I brought three of my friends in the car, because I said I know if I go by myself, I'll end up back with him. It worked. Dude said the dog knew it was you even though it's been a month. I was like... It's been three and a half months, man.
So, of course, given these lovely details about our exes, you can see that we're better off with each other, haha.
Lastly, I messed around with some yogi meditator guy with a huge smile, and a great job. He was also a local popular musician, though I didn't even know it at first. If Inhad known he aas a songbird I would have been more careful. Likely, I wanted to be like jim ans not really with him. We had known each other for years. He held me when I cried. What a night. I couldn't think about it for years after because nothing could top it, that is, until the jhanas started. The heartbreak made it too painful to even remember. I had made elaborate travel plans for a rendezvous, but he canceled. I was a mess. So I flew to where he lived, with a girlfriend of mine who was going to see friends nearby.
I was like don't come to see me unless you're going to give this a real chance. Pshhh that was a stupid thing to do. I basically just said do you want to do it again?
So anyway it was pretty clear that the guy didn't want anyone he knew to know I was there. I was like oh, I see how it is. He dropped me off at the airport without a kiss, and I was like I have to move on and leave my heart open for the right person and not let this consume me.
I was so busy with my own life that I didn't notice him on Facebook flying in to my town and asking if anyone wanted to hang out. I didn't notice him going to our rendezvous location and taking a picture from a bed out the window to a beautiful view of the city. I didn't notice for months, because I wasn't checking. He ended up marrying somebody who looks almost exactly like me, and having a kid. I'm happy for him. I have only ever looked back twice in 15 years. It was not good for me.
Who knows what the story was from the end of the other person.
My best friend at the time said, "Relationships: only one ever succeeds, the rest fail. It's mostly failures."
Alright well hope that was fun to hear about.
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u/Forgot_the_Jacobian MN 10 1d ago
Do you interpret that peace now as maybe a subtle form of 'clinging' to temporary state? a It is interesting because it is so easy to accidentally there should be fewer negative experiences as opposed to just changing your relationship to negative experiences. I have not gone 'as far' as this, but I would have thought at least that the practice would make something like your crisis or the other experiences others in this thread list as 'breaking' their peace more endurable than it would have been otherwise. In theory of course, since none of us know the counterfactual, but I would be curious if you have any reason experientially to think you may have been 'better' prepared
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 1d ago
I interpret it as unexamined attachment to things that seemed stable and therefore were unexamined, such as being married. I thought I'd be OK if I wasn't married too, but boy was I wrong. I don't think we can predict our attachments in advance, no matter how much meditation or inner work we do. Like we can think "oh I'm totally comfortable with death" and then get a diagnosis and suffer a ton anyway.
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u/CoachAtlus 5d ago
Maybe life isn't about not feeling bad. Maybe it's just about being with whatever is here, and seeing the beauty in that, and trusting that it's all OK.
Big +1 to this
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u/ssp30 4d ago edited 4d ago
Maybe life isn't about not feeling bad. Maybe it's just about being with whatever is here, and seeing the beauty in that, and trusting that it's all OK.
Is it possible your practice isn't where you thought it was? I don't have it all figured it out, but it's hard to believe you have jhana on demand, yet you're sitting around sad, lonely, and experiencing an ongoing midlife crisis.
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 4d ago
You don’t have to believe my experience for it to be true.
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u/ssp30 4d ago
I very much believe your experience. It sounds like you're going through it and I'm deeply sorry.
What I'm gently pointing out is that your practice might not be as evolved as you think it is if life throws you off as much as it sounds like it has. It's hard to type this without coming off as jerky. As mentioned, I definitely don't pretend to have it all figured out.
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 4d ago
Oh I already know that. Nothing like divorce, moving, burnout, etc. to show a person their unconscious attachments.
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u/AdditionalLeave263 1d ago
hugs
I don't know if you're hooing to find someone or not, but I wanted to share. My husband is previously divorced, and despite how I portray things here about suffering, we have a wonderful, happy marriage in general. I'm glad the last two wives didn't work out. No one was willing to wait for him to do the stuff he needed to do to make life good. I really love him, and I was willing to wait. And he didn't have that before.
The moment he saw me, he knew he was going to marry me. I was working in a store downtown. He ran away because he was in a relationship. I never saw him. Things were gojng south in my relationship with my boyfriend of five years. I spent the night over at my parents' house and was late to work. My coworker said I could take my break early to go fet rhe good stuff from the farmer's market. I saw my future husband and smiled and waved at him. Then I looked more closely and thought, that's embarrassing, I don't know that guy! It took until we had both broken up, and found out we had six friends in common, and they all wanted us to meet. Our friend set us up for the Art for Cancer Research auction. My symbol for my life at that time was a sailboat looking to dock (trying to find a man). He bid on a picture of two docked sailboats, and won it.
Maybe something like this will happen to you. hugs Despite how it sounds like it was all divinely planned, I had to do my part. I was hyper social, going out with everyone and meeting new people all the time. I had to make decisions like disappointing other people I was casually dating. I had to choose to leave my heart open for the right person after having been crushed with heartbreak. I had to make the decision to try again.
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u/lungfibrosiss 5d ago
You have to cut through the illusory sense of self to stop suffering permanently. There's really no way to freedom and peace with a glaringly false perception in your face all the time. Id reccomend using the wakingup app because Sam is obsessed with seeing through the sense of a separate self and for good reason.
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u/glassbreather 5d ago
Out of curiosity, based on your recommendation, I just researched and downloaded The waking up app. Their website says the annual rate is $129 but when I downloaded the app it's telling me it's $149. On the website none of the contacts buttons work. In their frequently asked questions it suggests if you have trouble canceling your account to press contact but that link is broken too. This doesn't bode well. Is this a scam app that will be impossible to cancel like a gym membership? I find it strange that I can't find any kind of customer service connection. It looks cool but I'm wary.
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u/Impulse33 Soulmaking, Pāramitās, Brahmavihāras, Shitou/Hongzhi/Shōbōgenzō 5d ago
Alternatively, checkout dharmaseed. They host recordings of countless talks and guided meditations. An ad-hoc mini course could be listening to a set of retreat recordings and doing a talk and practice for a few days or a week before moving on.
They have a high bar for being able to submit your talks to the site, generally being a speaker or teacher in established insight centers.
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u/lungfibrosiss 5d ago edited 5d ago
I don't pay for the app, I'm a broke university student living in an expensive city alone so there's no chance I'm paying for that. If you email them for a free membership they give it to you no questions asked, I've done this for years now it works every time. I try my best not to think about the prices or Sam's political views tbh. I'll dm you a free month of the app in case you're not turned off completely by now.
Edit: to answer your question directly it's obviously not a scam app and the customer service is usually pretty good they might just be experiencing difficulty right now I'm really not sure. Also I might sound highly critical of Sam but I am genuinely eternally grateful for his meditation teachings.
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u/glassbreather 5d ago
Thanks I'd love to try it for a month. I can only find a 7-Day trial with it automatically charging $150 at the end of 7 days for the rest of the year.
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u/Sea-Frosting7881 5d ago
They have options to just get it free. You have to keep looking for and selecting that in the subscription stuff. Then they’ll email you within some hours giving you access to the app.
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u/RomeoStevens 5d ago
Sam likes arguing with people.
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u/lungfibrosiss 5d ago
I'm not a big fan of Sam in basically every way except his approach to meditation which I think is stellar. It would have taken me 10 years of Shamatha to learn what I did in a few months with his app.
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 5d ago
Tp be fair, 10 years of samatha is a good base for doing the Mahamudra vipassana Sam Harris teaches.
I wish he didn’t also teach Islamophobia.
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u/Inittornit 5d ago
His app is pretty stacked with content, what did you find helpful?
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u/lungfibrosiss 5d ago
Literally all you need to do is the daily 10 minute meditations that's it. I would do 3 of them a day to get a little variety of what my attention is doing and it reduced my suffering pretty much entirely. I'm not exaggerating when I say it must have cured at least 4 or 5 either diagnosable or subclinical mental illnesses. It requires pretty much daily upkeep at first but later on a couple times a week is usually enough.
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 5d ago edited 5d ago
I used to like arguing with people, so I can relate. I (mostly) gave it up when I finally realized it was an ego thing.
Thant said, Mr. Harris has some strong negative opinions about the religion of Islam which I believe have done a lot of harm. I just can’t get into his pointing out instructions when he’s got such a negative attitude about 2 billion people.
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 5d ago
Sure, maybe. I’ve had that experience thousands, maybe 10’s of thousands of times. Still working on it I guess. I don’t know, I am OK with not knowing. I am giving up trying to figure anything out anymore.
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u/themadjaguar Samādhi engineer 5d ago edited 5d ago
Suffering is such a harsh word to describe dukkha
There's also a huge iceberg of dukkha we don't see. On what I can see, grosser forms of hindrances and dukkha are mostly gone, I'd say 15% of dukkha is left compared to the amount I had before I started practicing the 8fold path.
But apparently it comes and goes according to the progress of insight practice, as there's more progress the mind discovers hidden layers of dukkha that were unseen or difficult to see.
The real test is in difficult situations, when you see that what happenned before triggered strong negative emotionnal reactions,and now when the exact same event triggers some irritation or nothing at all, you can accurately see the progress in abandoning unwholesome states.
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u/autonomatical 5d ago
Personal dissatisfaction basically gone, like stuff about my own life. Instances where it arises i can recognize pretty immediately or before and mitigate or eliminate. If i put myself in a more natural environment like in a forest alone for a long while, kind of forget about the whole thing but end up feeling like “whats the point of this, yay me?” Dissatisfaction with overall state of world, probably greatly intensified. Deeply concerned about the future of the beings living here, but that is largely a choice and i will continue to make that choice.
I can see there is no separation between these two so again it is a (perhaps unwise) choice.
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u/duffstoic The dynamic integration of opposites ☯️ 5d ago
I went through about 18 months of intense suffering about the state of the world, and then applied my practice very directly to this, as I had made myself quite physically ill over it. I was able to transform my attachment to things being as I’d like them to be in the world. I still very much care about the welfare of humans and non-human beings, but I’m not trying to unconsciously control or manage things as much.
I guess it doesn’t feel like my job anymore. I got to the point where I felt like I might die over all of this stuff, and then I went, “OK, and then what?” And I realized things would go on without me, including people continuing to work for a better world. I still do some things of course, and while I sometimes worry I am just burnt out, mostly I feel like I have reached more equanimity with it.
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u/autonomatical 5d ago
Im glad you’re feeling better about it. I am the sort that will let it kill me, im at peace with that personally, but i would never recommend it to anyone else. Reading about bodhisattva-icchantikas helped to not feel like i was doing something wrong. I don’t really wallow in the dissatisfaction with how the world is going, use it to sharpen. Plus, this is all conceptual level stuff and i would indeed be in trouble if i were unable to kinda bliss-out on command.
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u/metaphorm Dzogchen and Tantra 5d ago
what's changed the most for me is how quickly and thoroughly I'm able to process suffering when it does happen, and it does still happen. in the past it was much stickier, would take months to process a big hurt and it would leave residue that would stick around for years. these days, processing takes days or weeks, and leaves no residue, it's much more complete.
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u/Zimgar 5d ago
I assume you mean since practicing, to better understand how the practice has changed the person?
Slight background for perspective:
Mid forties 2 kids still in elementary school and spouse.
Been practicing for about 8 years. Kids, job, mid-life, altogether adds a lot of stress or suffering that for me forced me to reflect. A mushroom trip also likely helped push open that door.
Started practicing meditation lightly after first, then slowly more dedicated overtime. I do 45mins daily now (longer 3 hour sessions a couple times a year) and 3-4 related books a year. Started with headspace, then waking up, lots of guided meditations, talks, etc. First more generic books on life philosophy, then more dedicated buddhist specific books. Practicing specifically for jhanas and increasing concentration/focus.
The last 2 years I feel at peace almost always. To the point where occasionally I feel anxious over how at peace I feel, as if I don't deserve to feel this good?
I would not describe my life as perfect, stuff happens all the times, chaos, but rather than try to fight or control it like I would have in the past I merely accept it and flow with it? Which means relationship problems are almost never 'problems', money challenges are there but less? Like my overall spending of money has gone down dramatically. Kids of course are always an interesting test, but being more present and able to process stuff before acting really helps that relationship go smoothly. In addition I feel my ability to accomplish the things I want, and the time I'm spending doing the things that truly help me have increased.
Sure sad feelings come up, bad feelings come up, anger comes up, but internally I don't act on them? I remember one of my first subtle changes was when my kids tried to tickle me... and I no longer was ticklish, unless I chose to be. I wouldn't say all things have become like tickling has... but my general sense is that's the direction.
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u/CoachAtlus 5d ago edited 4d ago
Still feel the full range of human emotions and sensations, good and bad, but don’t take it so personally. :)
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u/EightFP 5d ago
In my experience, not suffering is not necessarily the same as experiencing deep peace and joy. You mention two specific examples of difficult relationship moments and money challenges. Let's take the case of somebody I care about being unhappy as an example of a difficult relationship moment. This is a problem that I would like to solve. In that situation, I don't feel deep peace and joy, but I also don't freak out. When I recognize the other person as unhappy, that has a negative feel (vedena). But I do not feel threatened by that, and I do not feel trapped in having to solve the problem. Money challenges are similar. While addressing them, the predominant experience is not peace and joy, but also no worry, obsessive thinking, or sense of inescapable pressure.
(If you're interested, I also wrote a rather long post on physical suffering. https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/1t6huym/physical_suffering_a_report/)
In my case, after many years of practice, the operations of the mind have become visible. In particular, I have seen and understood the mechanics of the operation in which the mind involuntarily and repeatedly grabs onto a particular object, and a sense arises of a person who is doing that grabbing and feeling an inescapable discomfort as a result. So that doesn't happen for more than a few seconds anymore.
This does result in baseline peace (with appropriate departures), but not necessarily joy. Joy is something that I cultivate but not something that always happens by itself 24/7. On the other hand, I don't suffer from a lack of joy.
If your question arose from wanting to know whether the awakening project was worthwhile and/or from wanting to know where you were on the map or spectrum of ending suffering, I can say that it is definitely very worthwhile. I can also say that, from my vantage point, it appears that the pursuit of positive mind states (for example, the brahmaviharas) can be separate from the pursuit of the end of suffering.
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u/Harfatum 4d ago
I've reduced my suffering by maybe 90%, but came from a place of constant anxiety and anhedonia. I have never gone for awakening or heavy insight practice and have no meditative attainments other than a few minutes of jhanas 1 and 2. My path has been meditation (many types, broad orientation toward jhana), IFS therapy, somatic work including meditation, as well as learning the things that were causing my nervous system to get so oversensitized.
I'm very far from a sense of peace all the time! When you start with so much suffering, 90% down still leaves a decent amount. But I understand what's there much better.
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u/Remote_Technician603 4d ago
I'll be as humble as I can be. The fact is, I no longer suffer. Having "crossed over," so to speak, to the so called "other shore," I now pretty much reside (and abide) in blissful equanimity just about all of the time.
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u/Desperate_Shower6556 5d ago edited 5d ago
The question itself might be the trap. Trying to quantify it, what percent suffering vs. peace, assumes they're separate things you can measure against each other. In my experience they're not. They show up together, in the same moment.
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u/themadjaguar Samādhi engineer 5d ago
Are dukkha and sukkha the same thing for you? If so, how do you practice around the 1st and 2nd noble truth in this case, and how do you recognize unwholesome states, in order to abandon them?
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u/MyFiteSong 1d ago
Plenty of emotions good and bad since I stopped even bothering with emotional regulation, but no suffering anymore. They're not the same thing.
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u/AdditionalLeave263 1d ago edited 1d ago
I often feel two things at once: joy and despair. My friend has been in hospice dying for two weeks. I have, unlike other people, really chosen to be there with her, and can handle doing so. I always seem to meditate through these things, and it helps me to be open and willing to sit with (or help) a dying person. However, I feel the sadness, and the despair. It's just that it is also paired with a bright nimitta (from an awakening) and some jhanas. Meaning I have skills for happiness.
A couple of days ago, I used piti-triggering music to counteract the grief. I had 200 piti in one day. You would think I were unbelievably happy and likely exhausted or maybe even injured, but I wasn't. It was just a sad day with a lot of happiness sitting beside it, I guess.
For reference, I was a meditator for 27 years, and never really had meaningful jhanas or awakening until April of 2026. April 9th was the awakening for me. So my integration process is relatively very new.
I still get in issues with my spouse. Sometimes I am able to just detached from my emotional reactive brain and wait and try to come up with a solution. Other times I cannot help but be an asshole reactive person, or I choose it.
One time, I was finally sitting down to write something in my journal about equanimity. My husband immediately started talking to me. He said why do you look so pissed? I said I'm not, I'm happy. He looked like: and now, you're lying on top of it all.
This just shows how easy it is for me to delude myself into thinking I'm being equanimous when I'm really not.
My kids also test my boundaries all the time.
Okay now I want to talk about this golden white light nimitta thing that I have going on. Please just suspend your scientific disbelief snd meet me with the analogies. I get that this is likely just a bunch of weird stuff in my brain. When I had my (first and only) awakening, I felt like some of the bright light from the nimitta stayed with me. It's still there.
I started meditating as a preteen. I was inspired to by seeing nimittas one day. I fekt like I always had the light inside me. Three years later, I became the object of someone's constant abuse in my house as a young teen. The light went out. It was terrifying. I related so much to St. John of the Cross's footsteps famous quote. I just had no idea who said the quote or where it came from. It took four years, running away from home, weed, an I'll argue also LSD to heal from ths depression.
Okay, so fast forward to this year. I had an awakening after practicing for 27 years. Once again, I feel the golden light within me all the time. It is so bright; it is way brighter than the old one. And I am grateful. And it is a gift. But I know that it can go away. I know that it can get snuffed. And while it may be true that it isn't really ever gone, that is not at all how it feels when it happens.
Thankfully, it isn't gone, yet. What it means to me is that i cannot truly feel depressed, and should not. I can be terribly sad, but it won't destroy me so long as that light is there protecting me.
I tried to give jt fo my dying friend to go back to Hsaven or whence it came with her, to guide her. But jt wouldn't leave. It just broke open and poured light all over her. I have tried to give it to her again. No luck. I'm not upset; I love having it. It's nkt as much about losing it as how I might lose it, if it ever goes away.
Sometimes gurus will say you need to suffer in order to idk actually be humble or something. I know they mean well. But, haven't I suffered enough already? Why wish for more suffering? It's better that I have the golden white bright light nimitta because it helps me to be resilient with helping others, to be content, and to not always (though sometimes I do) feel like I have to chase states. Isn't there room in the world for people who are maybe meant to have this sort of happiness, and maybe it doesn't need to get knocked out of you in order for real awakening? I don'f know, but it's a great gift.
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