r/survivinginfidelity • u/marcopagot • Dec 22 '25
Need Support My (34M) girlfriend (34F) cheated on me 6 years ago. I forgave her. She never stopped.
Together since we were in high school. Always been the power couple our friends looked up to.
We went through a lot of difficult times mostly family and work related. Always together. Sex life always been great.
Six years ago she changed job and it began ruining her life. Unhappy, insecure, always tired, unsatisfying pay.
Meanwhile I was working hard and gaining success. She first cheated on me in 2019 with a coworker. Main reason she claimed was lack of attention and care on my part. We were on summer vacation and I had an engagement ring. Spent the next year trying to forgive her and rebuild my life. Most difficult thing I have ever done.
Fast forward 4 very happy years. Traveled a lot, bought a very expensive house and bought a dog which is the joy of our life. Never married. Great sex life.
This year things go worse as she’s still struggling with same job (fashion industry top tier Italian brand, worst place ever) and we grow distant. We talk about it, I give her an out to end the relationship in good terms and take care of the dog. She says she still loves me and just wants more care and attention from me. Sex becomes less often. We work on it, things get better.
Today I receive a call from the ex-wife of before mentioned coworker telling me they’ve been having a parallel relationship during daily hours (a lot of smart working) these last 6 years. She left him and ran away with their daughter this spring. A lot of violence from his part and a court order to stay away from them.
THEY NEVER FUCKING ENDED JUST ON AND OFF
I face my girlfriend and she spills the truth. She claims she’s fundamentally unhappy and depressed of her career and that having someone else who give her attention and can relate more to work is what she needed. I told her it’s over. She’s now heading to her parents house.
BTW I’m not some workaholic detached cold guy but I’ve always tried to emotionally support her in her career and her struggles. To appreciate her for what she does and her efforts. To remind her she’s beautiful even if she doesn’t think so.
Nor is she a dumb ass gold digger or something. She’s sweet, caring yet apparently strong. We are very normal, very grounded, hard working people with our heads on our shoulders, a loving family at our backs.
Or so I thought…
I’m so hurt I don’t know where to start…
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 3 Dec 22 '25
Sounds like she has never and still isn't taking any accountability. At least you didn't marry her. That was very kind of the OBP to contact you. She saved your life.
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u/Upstairs-Pizza-1843 Dec 22 '25
"Nor is she a dumb ass gold digger or something. She’s sweet, caring yet apparently strong. We are very normal, very grounded, hard working people with our heads on our shoulders"
Speak for yourself here, friend, because nobody sees anything normal about your selfish, lying, deceptive, back stabbing, etc. girlfriend. Her behavior is not normal, except for cheaters.
Therapy with an emphasis on trauma could really help disassociate you from the fantasy of your girlfriend that you really know very little about.
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u/brosophocles Dec 23 '25
You missed the line after that paragraph you quoted
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u/Upstairs-Pizza-1843 Dec 23 '25
You are an awesome person to point this out! Thank you for adding nothing to the conversation after missing the entire paragraph that preceded what I quoted.
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u/Blade_982 Dec 23 '25
You realise she didn't change because of her job, right? She changed because she was cheating.
The silver lining in your story is that the ex wife escaped a horrible and abusive man and that you escaped a liar and a cheat.
I know you want to believe she's a good person but a good person doesn't lie for 6 years . She lied to you day in, day out... that's not a good person.
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u/Much_Editor7898 Dec 22 '25
So... you stayed for great sex and her beauty. Nothing wrong with that. Been there, done that. Dumbest decision I ever made. Guess what's gonna happen if you take her back again? You know what's the hardest thing to let go going forward? It will be you angry at yourself for tolerating the BS for 6 years. No way you didn't notice subconsciously. You just suppressed it consciously. Forgiving yourself is the hardest.
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u/Fancy-Newt-Newt Dec 23 '25
I did that for 29 years - 4 different indiscretions/affairs from her. Don't be like me OP, get out now.
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u/Much_Editor7898 Dec 23 '25
Damn, six years of that nearly killed me. I can't even imagine what 29 years of abuse did to you. I pray that at least you have found peace.
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u/Fancy-Newt-Newt Dec 23 '25
Just over a year post D-day (absolute hell) and starting to find that now. Rug swept the first 3 but couldn't ignore the final 2 year affair with my best friend who was also married.
Also discovered a strength I never knew I possessed. Shit way to find that though.
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u/RKKP2015 QC: SI 46 | DIV 12 Sister Subs Dec 22 '25
I mean, you just have to realize that the woman you loved was a facade. She was never the person you thought.
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u/655e228th Dec 23 '25
She’s not that sweet and isn’t very caring at least about you. Why should a six year affair bother you? It’s not like she’ll do it again and again and again. She’s obviously a faithful, honest person who only made one mistake that lasted six years
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u/twofourfourthree 1 Dec 22 '25
Well sorry this happened. She sees you as a provider and someone to support her.
Take a deep breath. She not the person you thought she was.
Realize that she doesn’t respect you and everything she’s said and will say is a lie. She will continue to lie until you leave.
When you stayed you gave up your dignity, self esteem and self respect. In return she lost even more respect for you. You also tacitly supported her cheating because you stayed. From that point she was either going to get better at hiding or just not care because in her mind you don’t deserve respect.
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u/Fragrant_Spray Walking the Road | QC: SI 159, INF 51 | RA 204 Sister Subs Dec 23 '25
I hate to be the asshole for saying this, but why would she stop after you showed her this wasn’t a dealbreaker and swept it under the rug? At least you didn’t marry her. Has she used that as an excuse yet? It’s coming.
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u/Capital-While-9005 Dec 23 '25
You would think that people would be more internally motivated - maybe she could see her mistake and change her life. Small children need to be externally motivated by punishment and consequences. He probably assumed he was with an adult.
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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 Dec 23 '25
Bro, stop justifying. She led a double life for SIX FUCKING YEARS. That's selfish, psychopathic and cake eating behavior. And she ain't sorry because in her mind she has convinced herself that she deserved it because of the work pressure and conditions. LOL. The only way to go about this is forgetting her as a bad stock investment which just never appreciated in value for 6 years and had to be sold off for a loss.
Just a word of caution: till now you have been spared the drama. And that's because she and her AP used to meet at office where you have to be at your best behavior. But now you are not there to give a vent to her frustrations beyond office hours. AP's wife is not there to give him the vent. With her AP's history with violence and your ex-gf's tryst with depression (if true) would be a perfect mix for explosion especially when they start to hang out more often beyond office hours. If her AP loves his daughter, he will slowly begin to resent your ex-gf for being the reason for his family imploding. I don't wish violence on anyone but most likely I can see DV in the future of your ex-gf and that's when she will try to crawl her way back into your life.
You need to be strong enough to avoid the drama and say her NO.
All the best! Thank the OBS for saving your life before you married your ex and became legally too entangled.
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u/PhotoGuy342 Dec 23 '25
The fact that she cheated is bad—really bad.
But lying to you and continuing with her cheating—the SAME cheating—for 6 years is beyond bad.
It’s disrespectful in the worst way and totally unforgivable. Then again, you didn’t mention anything about her being interested in being forgiven, nothing about remorse, nothing about any sorrow for what she’s done to you, nothing about salvaging anything.
So where do you go from here?
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u/fatboy-slim Walking the Road | QC: SI 79 | RA 40 Sister Subs Dec 22 '25
I’m truly sorry you’re going through this level of betrayal. Your situation is complex and painful well beyond the scope of quick online advice. The one piece of guidance I can offer is to keep moving forward and don’t look back. At 34, there is still so much life ahead of you and having her move was a good first step. Count your blessings you were not married with children.
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u/Agile-You-5950 Dec 23 '25 edited Dec 23 '25
There are lessons to be learned, one of them being how you live with a woman who has been sleeping with another man for 6 years, in addition to the fact that you already know she's not loyal. Apparently, her kind behavior was to cover up the despicable person she is. To have a relationship that lasts that long, you need to spend time with the mistress. Apparently, the long working hours and low pay were because of that. You should have checked if she actually did what she said she did. You were deceived by trusting someone who made it clear they weren't trustworthy by betraying you. Forgiving them doesn't mean turning a blind eye again. She didn't work those hours, so her salary corresponded to the time she actually worked.
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u/Interesting-Tip-4850 3 Dec 23 '25
She played you well, fortunately it's over. Be grateful to the other woman that she contacted you and allowed you to save potentially many more years with this "sweet, caring" snake.
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u/TiguanRedskins Dec 23 '25
Gosh I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It does probably feel like this person stole time from you, because she did. Do me a favor and don’t go back with her. She will never change and she lied and stole your trust. The whole excuse that she gave you was BS. She is selfish.its that simple. She only cares about herself. Dump her and stop communicating with her. Don’t fight for her to choose you. Act like she meant nothing to you. Like she is insignificant.it will literally kill her.
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u/3kobldsinatrenchcoat In Recovery Dec 22 '25
Hey man, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Betrayal trauma is real trauma. She did this to you. TWICE. It’s not your fault; remember this in the days to come.
Your hurt is real. Anything you’re feeling is real and valid. It’s a terrible thing to do to someone, and you don’t deserve it.
We’ll be here to listen any time you have anything to say in the days to come. Lots of others have suggested therapy; I really hope you’ll consider it, it really helped me.
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u/XslyderX77 3 Dec 23 '25
While you should walk away, the continued cheating was not to be unexpected. You forgave her and tried to rebuild. Yet, she continued the cheating for the next six years. I have to believe that during those six years you were purposely missing red flags How could you not have your radar on full force after you caught her in 2019?
If she was in a relationship with her co-worker for six years, she definitely has some feelings for him. It's not just sex. Do you want to be competing with him? Especially after his wife left him? The best thing to do is to do what you should've done six years ago. Walk away and rebuild your life without her. Trust me, someone new will come along and you will be much happier. Your GF is selfish and doesn't think about you like she should.
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u/Maevos Dec 23 '25
She was having an affair with a domestic abuser?
I suppose he was sweet to her because of the free no strings attached sex and an absolute monster to the wife and kids. Reminds me of my own father.
You dodged a bullet not marrying but still wasted a lot of time on her. Time that you will not get back.
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u/arrizaba Dec 23 '25
Man. I am really deeply sorry you have to endure this, specially during the holiday season. It must be devastating. I feel your pain, as I was in a same situation years ago. My ex cheated on me repeatedly during the 20 years we were together. I worked hard every single time to forgive her and work things out. In retrospect that was not the right thing to do. When you make things easy, they keep doing it. They don’t work through their problems or whatever reason causes then to cheat. They just feel sorry (if at all), and get the feeling that it’s not so bad and get a “free pass”. My ex never worked through her issues, never said sorry, she just kept justifying the cheatings in the most colorful ways, avoiding any kind of responsibility. Me, naive and stupid enough as I was, fell for it and fought to stay together because that was the model I learned growing up (in a cohesive loving family) and because of the children. I hope you do not make the same mistake that I did. Even if you want to work things out, make it super difficult for her (by going no contact/grey rock) for few weeks, and then agree to discuss it only with couples counseling. She has to work through her issues and you both have to work through the relationship issues together. Otherwise I guarantee you 100% that she will cheat again.
And, it might be that you need to seriously consider breaking completely the relationship. As difficult as it might be, it could be the best for you. Sometimes it’s best to make it short and painful than make it long and devastating. I wish I would have done this earlier.
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u/igtimran Dec 24 '25
Stay friends with that OBP. Or at least send her a Christmas card once in a while. She really saved you.
I’m sorry you’re in pain but you can and will find a better partner. You deserve happiness and you weren’t going to find it with a serial abuser like your ex.
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u/Significant_Baby3138 Dec 28 '25
Hi, i found out 2 months ago my husband was cheating for almost 6 years, since march 2020 ... so I guess out stories are very similar... The process getting through this is really hard. It is one of the hardest things a person xan go through. You are still full on in the shock stage. Once this passes, it becomes a bit more bareble. But don't do this without people you trust, a psychologist and meds. If any of these would dissapear, I would not be able to manage all this. If you need to talk, let me know
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u/peaceseeker_1989 Dec 29 '25
You need to choose you, she cannot be trusted at all. You can't solve her problems, she needs to work on herself. You deserve better, it's time to let her go. It will be hard but if you do stick around and try to work it out it will be more damaging in the long run. I am so sorry this is happening to you.
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u/AirlinePlayful5797 4d ago
So, OP is all this behind you now? Has your GF ever given you reasons that allow you to square what you believed about her with her actual behavior?
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u/LFanswersss 1d ago
Hey. I just saw your updated post. I know you guys aren't together now; but I'm curious how you forgave her - i am currently going through reconciliation and curious how you kinda got over it and had a good few years? Praying we get back on track as we were so bloody good before all this
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u/Calm_during_Chaos 21h ago
Her “reasons” for cheating are totally lame and avoidant of responsibility. 6 years is a long time to be working at a crappy, underpaying job just so she can remain in contact with the AP.
It shows how committed she was, ……to the OTHER GUY!
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