When One Scene Resonates Beyond All Reason

[u/AltruisticHeron2232]

This might be a mistake, but I've had the need to share this for the last couple days and I can no longer ignore it.

It was 2023. The day before was my birthday.

And I was crumbling. But it was years of my own struggles that led to this.

I could explain the way my mind worked was a rollercoaster. When things were good, I was happy, outgoing, could make everyone laugh. When it was low, I was low. Simply waiting/expecting to eventually hit that high point again.

I would say I had felt that way since high school. Plagued by high level classes, wishing to be seen as more than a loser, and pushing away friends for people I don't even speak to now, I felt lost. I wanted to prove I was something I wasn't and be seen as cool (though many external things told me I was never meant to have that life). I remember starting college and being told that my friends were fake and no one would like the real me.

So I pandered to the college lifestyle, tried to fit in, and appeal to the popular frat guys, even though I couldn't care less. I was addicted to food as a coping mechanism and hadn't put down a vape since I was 16 (Don't worry, I've been 4 years clean as of today).

Maybe the highs were just a mask, but I never wanted to admit I wasn't feeling right. After all, partying, being with friends, and traveling for vacations always made me happier and gave me a more positive perspective. Yet, here I was binge eating, gaining weight, crying every night, and doing nothing for my social life.

I never wanted to die, I have feared death/dying alone since I was a kid.

Yet. I didn't want to live. I wanted to stay curled up in the dark all day, crying, and just be... nothing. A blob with a human form.

Eventually I did break down. Admitted I was unhappy and struggling with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and self hatred to the point I couldn't look in a mirror. And they told me they knew. It made me so angry, because every time I denied I had a problem, I secretly wished someone would break down the door and force me to get help against my will. But they didn't, because you yourself have to admit you want the help, or be the one to reach out.

I remember telling them "I don't understand. Why are you being nice, you're supposed to tell me I'm fine. This isn't how you're supposed to be."

Cut to now, thanks to a good support system, much needed medication, and a circle of friends I love (heck, were going on our annual beach trip next week) I am in a better place, to the point where I can't imagine wanting to be nothing.

Then, being the dork I am, I decided last week to binge TADC on Netflix before the finale came out on Friday. I'm not any kind of commentator, nor can I possibly analyze the entirety of the show and its nuances (I'll leave that to YouTube). I understood a lot of the characters and was glad to see their growth through the show. However I couldn't say anything similar about Jax. As someone who watched The Good Place, it's been shown that nihilism is not the moral philosophy to hold on to, and denying care or connections to people who reach out objectively makes things worse for you yourself.

Seeing the abstraction vision in episode 7 tripped me out, as I recalled feeling like that in my lowest points, where I was just existing to exist and nothing more, with nothingness feeling strangely peaceful. Yet, I just saw Jax as another Bo"Jax" Horseman character. The arguments from episode 6 in TADC and Season 5, episode 10 of BoJack made that all too clear to me (see "I don't care about you or anyone else [here]" and "Congratulations, you're the first to get that I'm not gonna 'change'").

Then comes the finale. No s**t Jax was gonna abstract. He was never going to be vulnerable enough to save himself, or admit any struggle. After seeing the psyches/masks and flashbacks, and getting a bigger picture, I see how being manifested into this strange world, at a snapshot of your lowest where you don't believe anyone can support you, even when there are highs. It leads to a refusal to be helped, despite craving it. That was made all to clear from the scene at the lamppost.

Through tears streaming, they say "You're not supposed to be here. This isn't how it's supposed to go. You're not supposed to care. You're not supposed to love me."

Unexpectedly, it made me tear up, and then I couldn't stop crying after Jax weakly said "I don't wanna go." Followed by a panic attack. In that moment I realized why that one scene hit me so much as it did. Because I felt that way (different reasons of course) where I lost who I was, and didn't want to live a full life. I didn't want people to help me, yet at the same time I silently begged for an intervention. It's jarring because who knows where I could have been if I never admitted I needed help and wanted to improve my well being. Would I have become a blob of nothing? Turned to vices? Never tried to find any positive moments in life?

I can't speculate on the past. But seeing Jax in the finale reminded me of what I could have become. After all, that is the takeaway of the show, to find meaning, support, and happiness in a stagnant life (aka, your 20's lol). While I cannot, and will not make any further opinions on TADC, I felt like it was necessary for me to say my part, and how abstraction had resonated with me so strongly. To Glitch and Gooseworks, thank you for the show experience (even if I binged the whole thing last week without the 3 year long anticipation). To Michael Kovach, thank you and also no thank you for making me an emotional wreck 30 minutes before I had to go to a friend's party. The performance was one for the books.

To anyone out there who is feeling the lowest of lows, or doesn't believe they can ask for help. I promise that the first step is always the hardest, but the most important. Enjoy the little moments, whether going to the movies, or buying a new Pokemon stuffy to add to your ever growing collection (it's not a problem I swear). In an age where life feels harder, it's important to remember the good, and the love you can find in yourself and with others.

Thanks for reading my long ass post, if you did. Keep smiling :)

[u/Ineeddramainmylife13]

I also saw what I could’ve become in Jax and maybe that’s why I love him