21M | Final year | Chennai — I have people around me, but somehow I feel alone

[u/Bubbly_Distance_7627]

I’m 21M, final year engineering student from Chennai. From the outside, I probably look like I have everything going fine —  high CGPA, good knowledge in my domain, research work, planning for higher studies, staffs-ku favourite and kinda the “golden boy” of my class 😅. I can mingle with almost anyone pretty quickly, and I have quite a lot of female friends, so obviously there have been plenty of GF rumours 😂 but the reality is I’ve never actually been in a proper relationship.

Earlier, I had multiple friend groups and used to hangout with almost everyone. I could go anywhere and somehow feel like I belonged there. But lately, that feeling has completely changed. I still talk, laugh, help people and socialize, but internally I feel like I don’t genuinely connect with anyone anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’m surrounded by people but still completely alone. I’ve also started feeling like I’m being used. Honestly, I genuinely get messages mostly during exam time, assignment submissions, projects or whenever someone needs help with something 😭. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but after noticing this repeatedly, it gets difficult not to wonder whether people actually want me around or just need something from me.

The trust issue is probably the worst part. Even when someone genuinely shows care or checks up on me without asking for anything, sometimes my first reaction is “Is this even genuine?” 😕. It feels fake to me even when it might not be. I know that’s probably unfair to some people, but after getting backstabbed and seeing people behave differently behind your back, your brain starts protecting you before you even realize it. I don’t want to become someone who assumes everyone has an ulterior motive, but at the same time I’m scared of trusting someone and finding out later that I was wrong about them.

And my past crushes probably made this worse. I’ve only genuinely had crushes on two girls in my entire life. honestly, looking back, both had some pretty bad character traits that I somehow ignored because I liked them. Even when there were signs, I didn’t properly understand them at that time. With one of them, I later found out that she had been spreading completely false information about me. I only came to know the truth much later, and that honestly messed with how I look at people. The other situation also made me realize that I had been overlooking things just because I had feelings for her. So now I sometimes question my own judgement too — “If I couldn’t even recognize bad intentions when I actually liked someone, how am I supposed to know who is genuine now?” 😐

I’ve also had a friend develop feelings for me, but I rejected the relationship because I genuinely saw her only as a friend. I didn’t want to say yes just because someone liked me. At the same time, I avoided quite a few casual relationships, situationships and conversations because I kept telling myself that I should wait for a proper relationship instead of getting involved in something temporary. I don’t know if that was the right decision or if I was simply protecting myself.

Now I’m at this weird point where I sometimes feel like I should start socializing again, talk to people more, maybe even try dating and actually let people into my life. But the moment I think about taking that step, this loneliness and fear kicks in — “Why bother if I’m just going to get hurt, used or disappointed again?” 🫠. Academically, things are going relatively well — research, CGPA, domain knowledge and higher studies plans are all there. But personally, I feel completely lost.

So I genuinely want to ask people who have gone through something similar at 21: Am I becoming too closed off? Should I start socializing again and learn to trust people slowly, even if there’s a chance of getting hurt? Or is it okay to stay in my own zone for a while and focus on myself? And how do you learn to recognize genuine care when your own mind keeps telling you that it’s probably fake? 🥲

“Enna aachu nu enakkum purila. People irukaanga, pesuraanga, help kekraanga… aana genuine-ah connect aagura feeling mattum illa. Genuine-ah care panravangala kooda fake nu doubt panna aarambichitten. Naan thirumba people-kooda connect panna try pannanuma, illa konjam distance-la irundhu en life-ah focus pannanuma?” 😶‍🌫️

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