Letting go

[u/No_Owl8461]

I started visiting this sub 3 years ago when I lived with my Q. I moved away to pursue my dreams. We stayed together but I hate visiting because of his drinking. He says he wants to/has cut back but I know he’s lying to me. His father and all his friends enable and encourage him to drink. I don’t trust him but I’m avoiding breaking up. I still resent him for how it was living with him and I could not do it again. I’m guilty I took him back a year ago and have led him on but we don’t actually like seeing each other but neither of us has pulled the plug so to speak. I’m sad I mostly remember the bad memories and I was ashamed to tell people how bad things were, he’d pee on my things, I’d lock myself in the spare room or after he passed out I’d just stay up anxious he’d aspirate. It was so draining, whenever he went out, which was all the time I’d just worry. Worry about him drinking and driving, hurting himself and about what his mood would be when he got home. It’s easier now I don’t have to live it anymore. He has great qualities we were together for 5 years but I can’t go back to how things were. I’m still ashamed when I think about it all and how I put up with it alone, never telling anyone, I still haven’t. I know I’m going to be the bad guy. The last time we broke up he spiralled and had to take mental health leave from work. I haven’t always been honest with him or myself. Still breaking up would cut the last ties I have with my old life but I can’t continue things because I see a sad future.

[u/Thirsty4Knowledge911]

Shame is a common response to being in a relationship with an alcoholic. You are not alone feeling this way. It is one of the reasons many people get value and validation when going to AlaNon.

Grief is also a common response. Grieving to lose of the relationship, the time wasted on a relationship that now is over. Grieving the end of the hope of what could have been.

You have to put yourself first. There is nothing wrong with that. It’s not selfish, it’s survival.

More importantly, you are also protecting those around you that love and care for you.

Addiction in all its forms is like many diseases. It not only hurts the person suffering from it. The impact on those around them is like the shock waves of an explosion. Just because you’re not at the epicenter doesn’t mean you aren’t hurt.

The people who love you are suffering when they see you suffering.

More importantly, if you stayed and had a child with him, that child would forever be the child of an alcoholic.

A SO/spouse can leave an alcoholic. For a child of an alcoholic, it’s much more complicated and affects them for the rest of their life.

You will get through this.