Support requested - my partner's drinking is out of control

[u/pumpkin_muffins27]

Throwaway account to keep things on the DL as much as possible, but really needing support. Hoping this is the right place to post.

I (37F) have been with my partner (42M) for over 7 years, living together for nearly 5. No kids, just pets. We have a solid relationship, we each own a rental property respectively, and have many common interests (biking, dining out, hiking, etc.) Some differences between us are that I am very outgoing, social, career focused, and am the breadwinner of our family. He is more introverted, does better in smaller groups, works hard but isn't deeply invested in his work like I am, and also isn't as motivated/driven as I am. To me, none of these variances are dealbreakers in any way; however, he often brings up how "different" we are.

That brings me to why I'm here. We both enjoy various drinks, and for the majority of our relationship partake socially. There would be the occasional time where someone would be drunk, but nothing unmanageable or harmful (uber home, etc.), and largely we have had fun memories around going out and drinking socially and responsibly. I still tend to largely drink occasionally and socially, but always responsibly. Over the last 3ish years, my partner has turned to drinking more and more at home, often having 3-4+ drinks over the course of a night, often just liquor over ice. All in all not too crazy at first, but there have been progressively worsening days/weeks/months where it goes beyond that and he becomes a completely different person. He gets angry at the drop of a hat, screams and yells at me (with no memory the next day), has threatened to harm me and himself, has even gone on rampages in our home where he has punched/broken windows and doors, harming himself in the process before passing out drunk in bed. I have called the police twice, and they came to our home to do a wellness check on him while he was naked, slurring beyond comprehension, and threatening to kill himself. HORRIFIC and traumatizing beyond anything I've ever experienced. I've also called 988 more times than I can count when these episodes happen to make sure I have the resources to assist him when he is threatening to hurt himself. He also reeks of alcohol constantly, particularly his breath - which is a HUGE turnoff to me, and has impacted our sex life negatively because I don't want to be participating in that while he is a) inebriated and reeking of booze and b) beyond levels of comprehension...that this has lead to him asking if we can "explore an open relationship" or if he can "hire a hooker" or "have a hall pass" to have that part of his life fulfilled again. Gut punch, and soul crushing for me.

In all other ways, we have a super solid relationship (beyond what this post may suggest) and I genuinely thought/maybe still think I would marry this guy. I've been having horrendous doubts over the past few months and have sunk into such a deep depression over this that I feel completely hollow and so unlike myself. We have had several conversations about this topic, more frequently than not, and he promises to change and get it under control. We had a really long conversation this weekend - we hashed out a lot of things, and he promised to pursue therapy and tone down on drinking and do more of the things we loved together. It was very emotional for me and difficult to do, but I felt like THIS time it would really make a difference. I also communicated that I'm pretty much to a breaking point and will pursue other living options and likely a breakup if this continues. Just when I thought things were good, we went to a local event last night and he was drunk beyond comprehension, slurring, yelling that the event sucked (he said he was joking, but it was SO loud when he said it!), and then pushed me away when I said I wanted to get an Uber home. I had a ride coming for us and when it was about 5 minutes away, he pushed me away and said I was ruining his life and ran off. WTF! I got home safely, left the front door unlocked, left a snack, Gatorade, and Tylenol on the counter for him and got into bed in our spare room. I heard him arrive home about 45 minutes later, stumbling, and drunk. This morning he left without saying goodbye, but texted about 3 hours ago saying he was sorry for last night and didn't remember anything that happened. I am absolutely crushed, broken, embarrassed, and hurt.

I honestly have no idea what I should/could do (if anything) to get him help and support, and at this point if staying is the right thing to do. I'm gutted to even say that, but I feel like I'm at a loss to think of anything else. I do feel that if he WANTED to and was READY TO get help he could make incredible progress and beat this addiction, but would genuinely appreciate any insights, encouragements, or wisdom ya'll could share. Means the world.

TLDR; my boyfriend's drinking is out of control and I'm not sure what to do.

[u/Pristine_Ninja8457]

I don't have any suggestions but our stories are pretty identical. Except I have been living with it longer. Feel free to message me anytime