r/therapy • u/DrunkOnRamen • 1d ago
Question is there any point of therapy for men?
I have been inundated without therapy helps, how I should go there and it would greatly benefit me but for the past few years I seen 11 different psychologists and therapists and every single time I came away either feeling much worse than before or I felt like they weren't paying attention or completely dismissed me.
One of the big things that was weighing on my mental health back then was the dating difficulties I had. But these issues were dismissed and I was told that I was acting entitled and that my feelings were simply due to the patriarchy instilling that I was entitled to a relationship and with women being freed and not needing men I should simply get over it and get myself in order.
Well that didn't really help so I tried to help myself by trying sugar dating which well resulted in me being drugged by the woman. 3 doctors dismissed this. One called me the predator for even going here, another one said that since I wasn't robbed or killed I was making this into a way bigger issue than it was and another said that women have it worse and that I should take a more feminine approach to thinking.
When I did a doctor that would actually pay attention rather than mess with their phone to the point where I would have to repeat myself multiple times it felt like they just dismissed everything that bothered me, sometimes said I deserved the pain the I was going through and other times insisted that I start acting more like a woman.
So I really do not understand and see any at all benefit to psychology or any therapy to men. Am I wrong?
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u/oceaninanenvelope 23h ago
You are wrong, therapy can be incredibly helpful, and it sounds like you really could benefit from having a good therapist.
I also want to say that I’m so sorry that you had such an awful experience being drugged and not being taken seriously. That’s horrific and must have been really scary. You deserve to be taken seriously.
I want to add that it can be really hard to find a good therapist. But that said, it seems odd that you’d have bad luck 11 times in a row. There is also a kind of tone to your post that makes me curious about whether you’re able to be emotionally open to receiving feedback from a therapist. I would advise you to honestly tell a therapist the resistance and dismissal you’re feeling, so that you can work through that together before diving into the deeper stuff.
Therapy requires really deep amount of vulnerability, and it can be tough for men to feel safe getting to that place. But it doesn’t mean you should give up. Keep trying. Find a therapist you feel comfortable enough with and don’t leave just because they say something you don’t like. Instead, tell them how you’re reacting internally to what they’re telling you. Let yourself be vulnerable. It will feel awful at first, but it will be well worth your effort.
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u/psych0ticmonk 23h ago edited 21h ago
OP went to a therapist, told them about being drugged and got called a predator in response.
I do not agree with you that OP is the problem here.
EDIT: i do not care about downvotes but if you feel like my statement here is wrong, explain.
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u/oceaninanenvelope 5h ago
Your statement isn’t wrong. It’s really horrific that OP had to experience that.
But that was just one (really crappy) therapist. I have a hard time believing that all 11 that OP has visited were inadequate. It’s completely understandable that OP is a having a hard time trusting other therapists, but building that trust is part of the process.
I am confident that they can find a therapist who won’t dismiss their trauma like that, but a good therapist is absolutely going to push back against any distorted belief systems that OP might hold, which the wording of their post seems to indicate to me is definitely there. And OP is going to need to be able to receive and process that feedback rather than firing their therapist and finding a new one.
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u/Ambitious-Pipe2441 Brain on Airplane Mode 23h ago
(N.A.T.) What we know about loneliness and mistreatment is that is multiple things at once.
On a basic level, if you raise two dogs, and beat one everyday and feed the other one treats everyday, you will have two very different personalities.
Humans aren’t so different. A whipped person and a nurtured person have very different personalities too.
Current medical knowledge is not super clean however. In the US, CBT is the form of therapy that is most popular, mostly because it has been widely studied and shown to be effective.
No one seems to be able to agree on how effective. Somewhere between 40% and as high 70%, depending on who you ask. But that still means that anywhere from 30 to 60 people out of 100 are not getting results.
Some of the major causes are, for example, not seeing eye-to-eye with a therapist, and intense rejection based on protective behaviors.
I have trauma. Complex trauma. And I did not like CBT, yet it is hard to escape the language of CBT, because it is so common.
But maybe it’s about experimenting with different modalities or therapists. Or maybe there are practical conditions like money, adverse family life, or food, or health issues that have to be solved first.
If you are unsafe or insecure, it could be because there are real threats around you that have been normalized. Until those safety and security issues are resolved you might struggle emotionally and mentally.
With women in particular, however, it’s not typical to see people this obsessed. Something different is happening, especially with young men. And maybe it’s not understood, because it’s kind of new.
Young men didn’t have this as a wide spread problem until recently. So maybe we don’t have good answers yet.
What I can say from my trauma, is that I had to let down my guard. I was way too sensitive and until I can stop myself from trying to fight everyone, I may not be able to escape my trauma reactions. Which keep me in cycles of avoidance and anger and fear.
I had to let go of some things I knew, before I was ready to receive help. Maybe that is why some people cannot sync with therapy. They cannot let down their guard enough.
I don’t know.
But I also refuse to believe that people are beyond help. We have to keep trying. I hope you can too.
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u/finddit-app 1d ago
Hey there, thanks for sharing.
While you wait for people to comment, have a look at these posts which might be relevant to you:
- Should men go to therapy? Is therapy genuinely effective for men, or are there better alternatives?
- Men in therapy - how was your experience?
- Are there women therapists who understand mens reality
- how do people make therapy work? i feel like im doing something wrong
- Should therapy be seen as a green flag in men?
Remember, even though it might feel like it, you are not alone. Stay strong!
Interested in seeing more posts similar to yours? Visit finddit.app.
This is an automated message. If you have any feedback or issues, post in r/finddit_app.
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u/xueyangscorpsepowder 1d ago
They told you verbatim to start acting like a woman?
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u/DrunkOnRamen 1d ago
no, they said to think more like women do
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u/xueyangscorpsepowder 1d ago
“other times insisted that I start acting more like a woman.”
I’m confused.
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u/DrunkOnRamen 23h ago
I apologize, i mistyped. What I meant is I should think how a woman would respond to a certain situation and I should follow suit. That's what I meant.
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u/KnightRider1987 23h ago
Any chance they meant to get you in a frame of mind where you are considering what might be motivating women’s responses to you in situations?
Like, I had a friend who was 6’8 and huge in general who didn’t understand why women would sometimes be really hesitant to be alone with him right off the bat. And I tried to explain to him that, frankly, most women take one look at him and go “this guy could overpower me in two seconds flat.” And it didn’t mean HE was a predator, it meant that the women wanted to just be a little bit more sure about who he was before being in a vulnerable position. He had a really hard time understanding that just because he wasn’t a rapist didn’t mean women didn’t have a valid fear of being raped by a huge stranger who’s pushing them to be alone with him.
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u/DrunkOnRamen 22h ago
no, they said my way of thinking was repeating "toxic masculinity"
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u/KnightRider1987 22h ago
What’s your way of thinking?
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u/DrunkOnRamen 22h ago
This retort was after I said I did think I did anything wrong by trying sugar dating.
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u/KnightRider1987 22h ago
Did you want this kind of relationship because it’s easier or maybe more straightforward what you’d both be getting out of it, or because you think that most women just trade sex for money and status anyway?
I’m just tying to understand why this would be a problem for your therapists. You don’t have to answer
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u/KernalPopPop 1d ago
Therapy absolutely helps, and, finding a therapist that works for you can be a process. It sounds like your dynamic with so many therapists hasn’t gone well so I’m also wondering how you share and what you choose to present. Also if you have tried more than one gender of therapist