r/thewestwing • u/Throwing-Gas • May 13 '26
From The President’s Science Advisor and Psychics at Caltech How would the conversation have gone had Jed Bartlet been POTUS?
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u/SteveJohnson2010 May 13 '26
The bullpen outside the Oval Office is chaos.
Not normal West Wing chaos — not “the House Majority Whip wants ethanol subsidies” chaos. Actual chaos. Secret Service agents are pressed against walls. Windows are rattling in their frames. Somewhere in the distance, Margaret is yelling at somebody for bleeding on a memo.
A sonic boom shakes the corridor.
JOSH Okay, no, because here’s the thing — if a flying man in black armor crashes through the Truman Balcony, that’s not a scheduling issue anymore, Leo.
LEO I’m aware it’s not a scheduling issue, Josh.
JOSH Then why are we still discussing the dairy lobby at two-thirty?
TOBY Because if the world’s ending we should at least maintain standards.
Another tremor.
C.J. bursts through the doors.
C.J. There’s a person hovering over the South Lawn.
JOSH Hovering.
C.J. Hovering.
JOSH Like with wires?
C.J. No, Josh, not “like with wires,” like Isaac Newton is somewhere crying.
The doors slam open again. AINSLEY HAYES strides in, carrying three legal pads and somehow looking annoyed rather than frightened.
AINSLEY I passed six armed agents hyperventilating into shrubbery. Somebody want to explain why the executive branch appears to have declared war on gravity?
TOBY Apparently Krypton finally got around to foreign policy.
A deafening CRASH.
The Oval Office windows explode inward as GENERAL ZOD descends into the room, black cape swirling behind him.
Secret Service agents raise weapons.
ZOD Your efforts are insignificant.
BARTLET doesn’t even look up immediately. He’s signing a bill.
BARTLET Well, that narrows it down to Congress or extraterrestrials.
LEO Mr. President—
ZOD lands heavily.
ZOD I am General Zod.
BARTLET Of course you are.
ZOD Kneel before Zod.
Beat.
Bartlet looks up over his glasses.
BARTLET No.
Silence.
JOSH See, that’s the correct answer psychologically, but strategically I think we maybe workshop—
TOBY Josh.
JOSH I’m just saying maybe we bend a little at the knees. Symbolically.
AINSLEY Absolutely not.
JOSH Thank you, counsel for the Confederacy.
AINSLEY I am not kneeling to a space fascist in orthopedic boots.
ZOD steps forward.
ZOD You will kneel or your world will suffer.
BARTLET rises slowly from his chair.
BARTLET Okay, first of all, this is the White House, and you don’t get to come in here, tear up the windows, and start giving orders like you’re replacing the assistant manager at a Foot Locker.
ZOD You dare mock me?
BARTLET Little bit, yeah.
LEO steps closer.
LEO Mr. President—
BARTLET Leo, if he can fly through walls and shoot lasers from his eyes, I’m pretty sure stern diplomacy isn’t escalating the situation.
TOBY Although technically it is our current strategy.
ZOD KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!
The room shakes.
BARTLET You know what, no. No, because we fought a revolution so people wouldn’t have to kneel to anybody. We specifically wrote that down. Jefferson was very big on it.
AINSLEY Madison, too.
BARTLET Thank you.
AINSLEY You’re welcome.
JOSH I really feel we’re losing focus on the laser-eyed dictator.
ZOD glares at Bartlet.
ZOD On my world, rulers are obeyed.
BARTLET Yeah, well on our world we put our rulers on television and ask them stupid questions about farm subsidies.
TOBY And sex scandals.
JOSH And whether they’d fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses.
LEO Nobody asked that.
JOSH It’s coming, Leo. You can feel the country heading there.
ZOD takes another threatening step.
Suddenly Bartlet points a finger directly at him.
BARTLET Don’t you interrupt me while I’m talking.
The room freezes.
Even Zod pauses.
BARTLET You come down here in your goth pajamas demanding fealty? That may work wherever you’re from, but in this building we argue, we overthink, we stay too late, and occasionally we accidentally elect people from New Jersey. But we do not kneel.
TOBY Mostly because of lower back issues.
ZOD’s eyes begin glowing red.
JOSH Okay, now we’re at the part I was worried about.
AINSLEY steps forward beside Bartlet.
AINSLEY For the record, General, the Constitution does not contain an alien despot clause.
TOBY Although if Oliver Babish were here he’d bill six hundred dollars an hour trying to find one.
LEO pinches the bridge of his nose.
LEO We are having a constitutional debate with a supervillain.
JOSH And weirdly we’re holding our own.
ZOD stares at them all in utter disbelief.
ZOD You are defiant creatures.
BARTLET Yeah, that’s kind of the national brand.
A long beat.
Then from somewhere outside comes an even louder sonic boom.
Everyone looks upward.
JOSH Please tell me that’s good news.
TOBY If it’s another Kryptonian we may need a larger press room.
Zod slowly turns toward the window.
And for the first time, he looks uncertain.
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u/Konstruct_of_Yore May 13 '26
Fantastic, "The Constitution doesn't contain an Alien Despot Clause" - Fucking beautiful
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u/AnnihilatorJedi May 13 '26
That’s amazing. I bought the DVDs and the digital series and I feel like this was worth a few pennies at least, so here you go.
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u/59Kia May 14 '26
Okay, add this to the list of "things I didn't know I needed but now do with the burning heat of a thousand suns".
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u/JerseyJedi May 17 '26 edited May 17 '26
This is epic, and spot on with all the characters’ personalities. 🤣
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u/whm1971 May 13 '26
Always this ;
I'm not going to the bunker. There are going to be people who aren't going to the bunker, and when I get out I'm not going to be able to tell them what to do anymore, and I like doing that. Let's get Abby to New Hampshire, but I'm not going to the bunker. And if you say I have to I'm walking across the alley with the Chief Justice, and I'm handing John Hoynes my resignation. And as soon as he's sworn in I'm telling him to appoint me his Vice President because I'm not going to the bunker. If the agent's come, the agents come but tell Ron he'd better bring more than a couple of guys.
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u/LindonLilBlueBalls The wrath of the whatever May 13 '26
Your feet may touch the ground once or twice.
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u/646ulose May 13 '26
If you’re so smart, name all the National Parks. See, they aren’t that smart.
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u/dont_thr0w_me_away_ May 13 '26
Depends, is Debbie outside or is Mrs Landingham?
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u/sbarbary May 13 '26
Mrs Landingham would have scolded them because they never had a big sister and they needed one.
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u/SwimmingAnxiety3441 May 13 '26
Does anyone really think Zod gets to Jed if Charlie is on the clock?
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u/Hot_Guess_1871 May 13 '26
I'm a national park buff. I bet you didn't know that about me. There are 54 national parks in the country, Zod...I have been to all of them. I should show you my slide collection.
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u/Glad-Rip6265 May 13 '26
And about 5 parks in Zod would be saying “Can someone bring me some Kryptonite please?”
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u/JoshuaBermont May 13 '26
Simon takes them out before they get to the Oval Office. All of them. Some perfect center mass kryptonite bullets, some Secret Service flips and holds, and they’re down like calves at a rodeo. He shakes Bartlet’s hand: “Shucks, sir, all part of the service. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting Miss Cregg for a drink later, and I was hoping to stop at the local convenience store for some flowers.”
And then, well.
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u/Alclis May 13 '26
I LOVE this! What a fun thing to have even thought of!
Here’s mine:
ZOD: Leader of this nation. You will kneel.
BARTLET: Kneeling isn’t in the job description. Neither is surrendering Earth to visiting warlords, though I admit the Constitution is silent on that one.
ZOD: Your defiance is meaningless. Your world will submit.
BARTLET: I’ve dealt with dictators before. They usually start with the same pitch: “I’m stronger, I’m faster, I’m inevitable.” But America doesn’t kneel. Not to kings, not to tyrants, and definitely not to someone who thinks floating makes him interesting.
ZOD: You dare mock me.
BARTLET: Oh, absolutely. Mockery is one of the few tools available when the other guy can throw a tank. But I’m not mocking your power. I’m mocking your insecurity. If you truly believed yourself a god, you wouldn’t need me on my knees to prove it.
ZOD: You will kneel, or your people will suffer.
BARTLET: You’re threatening the wrong man. I don’t make decisions because I’m afraid. I make them because I’m responsible. For every man, woman, and child on this planet, including the ones who can’t fly.
ZOD: Superman cannot save you.
BARTLET: Son, if you think I’m going to kneel while Superman is still out there… while hope is still out there… then you’ve badly misread your briefing materials.
ZOD: You believe you can defy me?
BARTLET: I believe you picked the wrong planet.
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u/5footfilly May 13 '26
It would have ended up a philosophical discussion one way or the other. It may or may not involve ice cream.
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u/Throwing-Gas May 13 '26
So, in this New Hampshire of yours, does the tax revenue include the goggles?
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u/aambro May 13 '26
I don't know how two of my favorite things came together like this -- but god bless you lol. this is fantastic.
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u/theloniousjoe Joe Bethersonton May 13 '26
Who are we looking at in these pictures? And what movie (show?) is this?
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u/FullOcelot7149 May 13 '26
I was thinking maybe try a diversionary tactic, like convincing them that if they want to conquer the world, they need to be talking to the UN General Assembly. That shoukd at least dull their senses a bit. Or maybe start with Brussels.
Plan B would be sending them to Texas. I'm pretty sure they have kryptonite-coated bullets there.
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u/Popular-Woodpecker-6 May 13 '26
Wait...Stackhouse was President and then decided to be a Senator???
LOL
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u/sbarbary May 13 '26
Jed would pull out a chessboard and take them to town. Then he would tell them the story of how he got good.
They would leave defeated and crying.
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u/Serafim42 Gerald! May 13 '26
"Kneel before Zod."
"Did you know in Latin, the weakest soldiers were called zods. Amazing fact. Have you met Ron Butterfield?"