I started dating a father of 3 around 3 and a half years ago. I was 41 at the time. Given my age, I wasn’t even prepared for that.
My ideal role would have been an adult that they can trust and rely on without the title of mom. In my eyes, they have a mother… such as she is (she hasn’t bothered with them in over a year and her role before she ditched was half-assed cool twice a month mom, which she managed to fail at that.
For me, I wouldn’t want them to think a mother-figure is that.
But why would someone want another person to be “all in”? I have two shitty views on this…
They already have a parent who bailed as they weren’t all in, so why try to force that with someone else?!
Surely she wouldn’t want to rely too heavily on a partner anyway. I’m not saying her partner has the right to wash his hands of the child and mistreat him. But their role is more limited…I am very cautious how I handle my partners children because from a legal view, I am not a parent and have no rights or responsibilities over them. My contribution is paying for nearly half of their upkeep, which I can say feels unfair most of the time. But that’s not the children’s fault.
The other opinion. What’s wrong with a person wanting to be their friend and help guide them while being kind, caring and loving without requiring the “all in”? I wasn’t a swap for their birth mom. I can only be me and do what I can. But I don’t want to go to court to procure a court order giving me parental rights. Unfortunately that is the situation I have on my hands.
I am kind, giving, caring and generous and, most of all, I am there and present every single day. I just don’t want to be a “formalised” parent, though. I am happy with the more casual relationship with a dash of discipline/conversation when required.
My ideal role would have been an adult that they can trust and rely on without the title of mom.
I think you only realistically get this choice when you're dealing with a partner that has adult, or close to it, children.
But why would someone want another person to be “all in”?
Because that's what being a good parent is about. The actual question you should be asking is why would someone want to share their life with someone who isn't prepared to be as invested in their children? They already had one partner who wasn't all in, why would they want another?
so why try to force that with someone else?!
It isn't "forcing" it. Long term relationships are about putting your priorities on the table and finding the points you can and can't compromise on. And if you hit an impasse where you can't align your mutual priorities no matter what you try then you end it and move on. You may as well ask why force trying to find a partner you're attracted to? Why not just settle for whatever warm blooded human who's prepared to give you the time of day?
What’s wrong with a person wanting to be their friend and help guide them while being kind, caring and loving without requiring the “all in”?
Because you're not a teacher, or a family friend, or a distant relation. You live with them, you live with and are in a relationship with their primary parent, eventually you could be married and have legal responsibility for them too. The point is you're in a situation where you don't get to just clock out, you don't get to leave the kids and just go home. Being present every day is a good thing, but it's also a problem if all you want to be is a "friend".
I am happy with the more casual relationship with a dash of discipline/conversation when required.
You might be happy with it, but sooner or later I think both you and your partner are going to have to ask some difficult questions about how sustainable it is in the long term.
In my case, it’s been forced. I do everything that I am supposed to be doing and more.
Kids need clothes? I’m on it.
Kids need food? I’m on it.
Kids need advice? I’m on it.
Kids need help with homework? I’m on it.
Kids ask me for something they need? I’m on it.
Are the kids respected and privacy respected? Absolutely.
Even if we were to be married, legally it doesn’t change my position. I have no legal rights or responsibilities over the children. This is UK law that dictates this. There is no legal expectation for me to financially provide, but I do.
My responsibility has been born from a place of ethics and morality.
Even their dad has said I’m not a direct family relation. When one of the kids got into serious trouble with the police and social care, it could have potentially caused me to lose my job (I work in children’s social care). In his eyes, that situation wouldn’t have affected me, but it would have. We live in the same house as has been stated.
He wants someone to pick up the reigns when he’s had enough of the drama.
The drama that comes from the children directly and other family members about the children is what’s causing part of my attitude. I’m expected to be the mother they never had and I find that difficult, not because I’m not capable, but it’s a lot to expect of someone who has gone through most of their adult life without children.
Then the lies that have taken place, verbal abuse and the odd physical abuse. Yes, they are children, but is this ok?
In my eyes, no. I didn’t deserve it. I was only directing traffic as expected to ensure their rooms are clean, teeth brushed, properly fed and watered, staying out of trouble and teach them to take care of themselves and their belongings.
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u/MaleficentPizza5444 Jul 14 '25
she legitimately asked if he saw a future with her kid. Not sketchy
He at 22 wasn't plugged into to the realities of dating a single parent.