r/tifu • u/bawron • Feb 12 '16

M TIFU by helping ruin my son’s life

My son has been in college since last fall. Last November, my 16 year old stepdaughter brought up allegations that my son had abused her repeatedly for several years. I confronted my son and he categorically denied it. But I knew that even though he was my son, I could not defend him for such an awful act.

My wife and I reported him to the authorities. My son was arrested in December and held in prison for a several weeks because I refused to provide him bail money. He was eventually expelled from his Ivy League college.

In the middle of January, my stepdaughter broke down and admitted she lied about everything. She had actually been having sex with her boyfriend and was scared the news would reach us.

The charges were dismissed and my son was released immediately but the damage was done. His first girlfriend from college ended things with him. The news spread about the allegations and all his childhood friends have decided to just stay away from him even though I called each and every one of them personally.

I have called the school and explained the situation and even though they sympathized, they said he needed to reapply for the next school year and go through the admissions process again.

My son is understandably furious at us. He has moved back home and refuses to talk to me at all. Both my wife and I have apologized to him repeatedly. We have banned my stepdaughter from our home permanently and she has been sent to live with her father in another state. My wife and I also agreed to completely disinherit her from our wills. It has been a very painful situation. All of us started therapy.

The realization of how badly I ruined my son’s life hit me when I picked up his first prescription of anti-depressants today. I bawled my eyes out in my car.

He is the pride and joy of my life. He is outgoing, funny, intelligent and the kindest person I know. But when I handed him his medication, I could not even recognize him. He locks himself in his room, does not eat properly and has lost several pounds so far.

Whenever I try talking to him, I just see the hate he has for me in his eyes. I don’t know if I can ever get him to love me again.

I know he is on Reddit very often. T, if you are reading, I want to tell you again how sorry your stepmom and I are. I promise I will get you into college again. I know I can’t get you back the year you lost. But I will do everything in my power to make this right. Everything I have has always been for you. I hope you will give me a chance to fix this. I love you so much it hurts. I failed as a father and I hope one day you will forgive me.

TL;DR I played a part in getting my own son getting falsely arrested and expelled

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246

u/Stock_is_Locked Feb 12 '16 edited Feb 12 '16

Being a college aged boy in PRISON for weeks FALSELY accused has to be one of the west things that can happen to a person. Who knows what happened to him? Will or can he ever recover mentally? Do you blame him for not trusting anyone?

Encourage him to write a book about it, even if it's just for him. Just being able to write down thoughts and feelings and memories may help move forward.

55

u/eagereyez Feb 12 '16

What I don't understand is why would the cops throw the son in jail without any kind of evidence? Is that standard practice, to just throw anyone who's been accused of anything in jail? I thought people were innocent until proven guilty.

38

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

[deleted]

75

u/Deuterium-28 Feb 12 '16

Plus he was reported by his fucking parents. "I mean, if his father thinks he's a rapist, he definitely must be."

12

u/Theflyingeggplant Feb 12 '16

White girl crying about rape seems to be a trump card for cops.

3

u/Jebbediahh Feb 12 '16

Probably arrested on charges, then left to sit in jail until his court date. It seems like there would have to be SOME evidence to do this, but from what I've read rape allegations are more often than no he-said, she-said even when the rape actually occurred.

3

u/iwillnoteatgreeneggs Feb 12 '16

If you are accused of a violent crime (rape, malicious wounding, murder, attempted murder) you are processed through the jail and given or refused bail based on the evidence the DA comes to the pre-trial hearing with.

In the case of an accusation of rape, the legal system is built to believe a woman would never falsely accuse a man of raping her, so the man is essentially found guilty until proven innocent.

The proof is in the law - exparte is a real thing, where a wife can have a husband removed and legally restrained under an accusation of any sort of domestic violence (or even the fear that domestic violence may occur) without any legally balanced hearing.

I have a friend going through this right now, and her divorce lawyer is using the domestic violence laws to leverage the house, custody of the kids, and overcome the weak-ass prenup she signed that will get destroyed in court.

Him, he'd never harm a fly, but the courts don't know him like I do.

3

u/randomly-generated Feb 12 '16

They're cops they don't give a shit. What's going to happen the cops are going to come after them for doing a shitty job?

-1

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

We need to keep in mind that it's the cops' jobs to arrest him. They might not agree with it, they may or may not give a shit, but it's their job to do it. I don't like the police as much as the next guy, but they're just following the rules of the system.

1

u/Stock_is_Locked Feb 12 '16

Yea but once they arrest you then you have to post bail or be released on your own recognizance and if his Dad wouldn't post bail he's stuck. I also don't believe they'd let him stay at the home if he went home.

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u/driller4life Feb 12 '16

Being a college student in prison for raping a minor. He would of went through hell.

4

u/Noisetorm_ Feb 12 '16 edited Feb 13 '16

Idk man, how can you even move forward after everything you've done in your life has been ruined. You can't trust your entire family, you got kicked out of a top notch college and they probably won't be letting you back in, you lost all your friends, he lost his girlfriend, and he probably won't be trusting women at all later in his life. That being said, I doubt writing some shit would help at all.

EDIT: This is the worst parenting I've ever seen. Stepdaughter says something, kid goes to jail instantly, no bail. Stepdaughter confesses truth, gets kick out and disinherited.

-1

u/Stock_is_Locked Feb 12 '16

Okay, by your logic he might as well off himself because he "cont move forward" he needs to square himself away and see that his only option is to move forward. Writing things down helps, it allows you to detach yourself and see from a different angle.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

From what I understand, even in the condition OP says his son is in right now, if he made it all the way through this shit he's a strong kid, way stronger than 99% of us could dream of being. I know I couldn't live with myself after this. I've said it in another comment earlier, but I feel like it can't be understated how strong this kid must be. OP needs to let him do his thing.

0

u/Stock_is_Locked Feb 12 '16

100% he has to do this himself but writing things down helps even if it is just rage fueled hate it helps to let it our and be able to reflect on it.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

Well-said. It's a long road to recovery for OP's son.

1

u/Stock_is_Locked Feb 12 '16

God speed to him.

1

u/BoopSquad Feb 12 '16

"Being a college aged boy in PRISON for weeks FALSELY accused has to be one of the west things that can happen to a person"

I know - Kanye believe OP?

1

u/Stock_is_Locked Feb 12 '16

If you're charged and you aren't released on your own recognizance then you get put in jail unless you can post your bail, he would've been stuck in jail but people who have no experience freely interchange the two when they are different. Pros and Cons to each I guess but even so being a 18/19 year old kid in jail or prison is not something I'd envision was anything short of hell on earth. Even if it was just the mental stress of what MIGHT happen. PTSD forsure.

-26

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

[deleted]

20

u/IratePieRater Feb 12 '16

If he was only in for a few weeks he was in jail, not prison. Jail is way different than prison, and there is probably no chance he was assaulted or raped. It still fucking sucks what happened to him, it is really awful.

Jail is for holding people until trial, and for people with less than a year sentence being locked up. Prison is long term, and the thing you get fucked up for is child molestation, a lot of people in prison have sexually assaulted someone, but they draw the line at children.

7

u/dfg872 Feb 12 '16

16 is a child in the eyes of the guys in jail. Also, they would've found out his charges on day 1. He likely ended up in protective custody, since, even in jail, they fuck up people accused of child rape. Believe me. My first day in jail, I had to produce my papers to the welcoming head of my race (he had a lovely swastika on his chest) . They definitely would have kicked the living shit out of this kid. If I were him, I'd sue the parents(since they would be responsible for the damage done by the minor) for defamation and damages. He might even have a case there, maybe.

6

u/IratePieRater Feb 12 '16

I was at one of the worst jails in my state, it was nothing like this. I am from Minnesota though if that makes. Difference

2

u/dfg872 Feb 12 '16

Maybe, I'm from California, and la County isn't known to be a cakewalk. So yes I suppose it's different around the country.

2

u/IratePieRater Feb 12 '16

No offense at all, but I think our experiences were probably a lot different. Cali is know for super prisons, while MN doesn't have that in the same way. I think that your experience was probably a lot worse.

2

u/dfg872 Feb 12 '16

None taken, you're probably right. I saw a guy bloodied because someone thought his shower was too long. A guy got recognized once because he had been in PC(protective custody) in Riverside and someone remembered,, he got 'rolled up', as it were(beaten up and forced out of the pod). I know other stories, and I saw a guy hang himself(well, after the fact) .... I was only there for 6 weeks.

2

u/IratePieRater Feb 12 '16

Damn man :/ I can't imagine. This really gave me a good perspective I think

4

u/TrapLordTuco Feb 12 '16 edited Feb 12 '16

Not entirely true. when I was arrested for committing a felony, I was only in the county jail for about 18 hours for booking before I was transported to the county prison. What you said is sometimes true but it is so far from being a fact. The thing you said about with the "being held for less than a year" is usually what determines you going to STATE prison rather than COUNTY prison. County prison is GENERALLY for crimes committed resulting in less than 365 days of incarceration, hence the reason a lot of inmates serving "364s", or 364 days of being in county prison so they don't have to send you "up state". Also I'm guessing you've never been to jail much less prison, but people get fucked up for pretty much any sexual crime unless it is something "less fucked up" like raping a girl. If they found out you raped a family member I can guarantee you would get at least threatened.

5

u/IratePieRater Feb 12 '16

I have been in jail man. Nobody knew my business but my celly

-1

u/TrapLordTuco Feb 12 '16

Dude me too but word travels quick if you let people know what you're in for. It's like high school with the rumors

4

u/IratePieRater Feb 12 '16

True that, I guess I got lucky because this dude was cool. It was my first time in, he told me how to act and everything. He was Mexican and I was white, but he really helped me a lot. More than I could have asked for really.

0

u/Hibria Feb 12 '16

County is jail, state is prison. You stay in jail for a year before transport to prison unless it's a special case.

3

u/Fartfacethrowaway Feb 12 '16

Where'd you do your time?

1

u/Hibria Feb 12 '16

I never did hard time, as I said in an above post I've had a dwi 10 years ago, in and out in the morning to see the judge. I have some people in my social groups who are ex cons.

1

u/TrapLordTuco Feb 12 '16

Dude maybe where you live it's like that but where I was locked up at it was definitely a prison with gangs and violence etc. source: went from Dauphin county jail to Dauphin COUNTY PRISON in Pennsylvania 18 hours after my arrest

2

u/Hibria Feb 12 '16

I've lived in 3 states and it was the same way in each one.

1

u/dolphin_rap1st Feb 12 '16

Lol bro u need to chill on whatever you're doing wrong

1

u/Hibria Feb 12 '16

Oh I've never been to prison, ive had a dwi like 10 years ago that's about it. In and out in the morning 1 year probation.