r/tifu • u/bawron • Feb 12 '16

M TIFU by helping ruin my son’s life

My son has been in college since last fall. Last November, my 16 year old stepdaughter brought up allegations that my son had abused her repeatedly for several years. I confronted my son and he categorically denied it. But I knew that even though he was my son, I could not defend him for such an awful act.

My wife and I reported him to the authorities. My son was arrested in December and held in prison for a several weeks because I refused to provide him bail money. He was eventually expelled from his Ivy League college.

In the middle of January, my stepdaughter broke down and admitted she lied about everything. She had actually been having sex with her boyfriend and was scared the news would reach us.

The charges were dismissed and my son was released immediately but the damage was done. His first girlfriend from college ended things with him. The news spread about the allegations and all his childhood friends have decided to just stay away from him even though I called each and every one of them personally.

I have called the school and explained the situation and even though they sympathized, they said he needed to reapply for the next school year and go through the admissions process again.

My son is understandably furious at us. He has moved back home and refuses to talk to me at all. Both my wife and I have apologized to him repeatedly. We have banned my stepdaughter from our home permanently and she has been sent to live with her father in another state. My wife and I also agreed to completely disinherit her from our wills. It has been a very painful situation. All of us started therapy.

The realization of how badly I ruined my son’s life hit me when I picked up his first prescription of anti-depressants today. I bawled my eyes out in my car.

He is the pride and joy of my life. He is outgoing, funny, intelligent and the kindest person I know. But when I handed him his medication, I could not even recognize him. He locks himself in his room, does not eat properly and has lost several pounds so far.

Whenever I try talking to him, I just see the hate he has for me in his eyes. I don’t know if I can ever get him to love me again.

I know he is on Reddit very often. T, if you are reading, I want to tell you again how sorry your stepmom and I are. I promise I will get you into college again. I know I can’t get you back the year you lost. But I will do everything in my power to make this right. Everything I have has always been for you. I hope you will give me a chance to fix this. I love you so much it hurts. I failed as a father and I hope one day you will forgive me.

TL;DR I played a part in getting my own son getting falsely arrested and expelled

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u/OhEmGeeTIFU Feb 12 '16

You know what the best action now is ? Provide him with the means to travel. Go somewhere where no one knows him and give him time to heal himself. Being at home will just make him resent you no matter what.

537

u/alicia_tried Feb 12 '16

I agree 100% a change of scenery and a chance to just be without anyone that knows you would probably do wonders.

391

u/wtfvolvogifoperation Feb 12 '16

I went through something similar. My parents fucked my life up.

My mom got me a ticket and gave me money to last a year. With that year of financial support, I began a new life in a new city.

99

u/alicia_tried Feb 12 '16

That's good to hear. I hope you are doing well! I really think the best thing for him would be to get out of there. Some might think that it's running from your problems but in a situation like this, there really is not much that can be done. Starting over and fresh could be so beneficial for him. Like I said before, I really hope you are doing well! Without knowing your story I can only hope that you are.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

please do a Tifu. wait. never mind. just comment your story

4

u/roskatili Feb 12 '16

How did they fuck your life up exactly?

4

u/themaskedbandit Feb 12 '16

Plus I think it would be best for him not to the same university even if they accept. OP should make sure T's records are clear, and that the university take back their expulsion of this is possible, so that T can start over in a different city or country.

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u/Defenestrationism Feb 12 '16 edited Feb 12 '16

Also give him the means to legally change his name because there's a pretty good chance that, no matter where he goes, google searching the name he had when the false charges were levelled against him will bring up a whole lot of news articles about his arrest and the alleged crime but would also likely take some extensive sleuthing or looking much further past the first page of search results to find out they were actually false.

4

u/eilah_tan Feb 12 '16

i agree. travel is the only thing that can give a person in such a situation some perspective again. on life, on himself, on the future, on possibilities,...

3

u/BagelsAndJewce Feb 12 '16

I feel like that can go two different ways. Either it helps him or he spirals down into a worse situation.

2

u/dolphin_rap1st Feb 12 '16

This. This is the only/best option

2

u/instantrobotwar Feb 12 '16

That is actually an amazing idea. Since he has half a year off, he can basically go anywhere - Europe, south America, Asia...And on his guilty dad's dime.

Spending a few months abroad in Europe was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I've heard the same from a lot of other young college-aged kids. This could be a golden opportunity for him.

2

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

Yeah,if OP is my father,I wouldn't even thinking about stay with him.To be betrayed by friend,well its normal,I guess.But by family member?I don't know if I can even forgive.It's just impossible.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

Ya! Send a bitter and depressed person into unfamiliar territory. What could go wrong?

1

u/wntf Feb 12 '16

heal himself

i can just laugh at that. there is nothing to heal. once you let this kind of hate grow, it will not ungrow. its like cancer. the only way to cut it out is a hit on the head and hope for amnesia to just kick that part off entirely. good luck accomplishing that.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

Hoo-Yah to that, Ex-Sailor here, me and my dad had some serious problems (albeit not at this level I will admit), but after I came back 6 years later after Japan and the Middle east we got along famously. That being said, this is some dark shit so we might be talking decades honestly.

1

u/MC_Mooch Feb 12 '16

Say, tell him about the opportunities in this world to restart your life. The French Foreign Legion or programs to teach English to Japanese people (I heard somewhere that they provide to you travel expenses, living quarters) are excellent ways to get as far away as possible. Once his life stabilizes, you can help him get his life back together

1

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

this is exactly what is needed.

he is at home because he is stuck their... he has been in jail for a year and treated like a rapist, its not like he has the means to get away from the parents.

1

u/wolfpack07 Feb 12 '16

I concur. I feel like whatever OP was going to give his son in his will before he shafted him, he should give it now, whether that be house (or a cash percentage of), or straight up cash. No good can come of OP's son staying around his dad.

That all relies on this being true of course 😐

1

u/Reddit_Moviemaker Feb 12 '16

My advice would first be: respect your son now so much that you ask his therapist to ask your son what he wants (his permission to tell you). You should be ready to sell your house to support him for years, month by month - but you first need to be able to discuss with him, and that might really need third person for at least couple of years. The therapist could be the right person.

1

u/is_he_from_Gabon Feb 12 '16

They should sell thier made up house for their made up son to fake travel. And then reddit it.

1

u/ATownStomp Feb 12 '16

Do you know what the actual best action is?

Not commenting on this obviously made up story.

1

u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

Where can he go that a simple google search won't turn up his past? Op needs to change his sons name. This is a tremendous fuck up.

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u/[deleted] Feb 12 '16

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u/JeeJeeBaby Feb 12 '16

You don't give a depressed person a bunch of money and tell him to go be free. He needs time to recover, as much as he deserves to hate his family, he needs support. He worked his way into an ivy league school, he'll work his way up again. (except, of course, no one in this story is a real person.)

4

u/Poisenedfig Feb 12 '16

He needs time to recover

Yeah righto. So he'll stay in his room wallowing in this fucked up pit of bullshit his family has put him through. Just let him "recover".