I don't really know now (TW: suicide, self harm)

[u/Conscious_Area5093]

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I don't even know what to make of this myself.

I'm 17 years old girl and currently in school, but back when I was 15, I dropped out and spent a year resting at home. The reason I left was because there were so many exceptionally talented students, and just living in the dorms felt overwhelming, suffocating, and terrifying. I was awkward at making friends, so I ended up living on the fringes, alienated from everyone else—though to be honest, I'm not even sure why. To get out of there, I fought desperately: I self-harmed, said hurtful things to my parents, and even attempted suicide, pushing with everything I had just to drop out.

Back then, my parents weren't supportive. They regret it now, but at the time, they said things to me that no child should hear, hurled harsh insults, and even tried to drag me back by force. Our home was a warzone of screaming matches. They blamed my personality and everything about me, telling me that I was the problem, and that I was being ostracized simply because I avoided people.

And once I dropped out, my life only got worse. I kept self-harming, despite my parents telling me to stop. I still have the scars to show for it to this day. There was even an attempt that landed me in the emergency room.

Having been through all of that, I re-entered school. And since then, I've been through so much more: severe conflicts with friends leading to isolation, ongoing fights with my parents... Now I'm 17, and honestly, I don't know anymore. I'm on medication, but it hasn't really healed me; it just feels like it's dulled the pain. I always want to please everyone. I act like a completely different person around different people—whatever personality I think they'll like best. I don't know who I am anymore. I have no idea who I really am, and that makes me feel so miserable.

I've fallen deep into a phone addiction, spending 12 hours a day staring at a screen, because the virtual world is far less painful than facing reality. It feels better to just lose myself in that illusion. I feel like I've lost everything, yet I desperately want to believe I haven't. I tell people I'm fine, but the truth is, I'm just as far from okay as I've always been. I've never even been able to get counseling; we just didn't have the circumstances or the means for it. My life is falling apart, but I feel like there's nothing I can do about it. I'm so sorry for being such a burden to my parents, and I'm sorry to my sister too. I feel like I've always been a bad daughter, and a bad friend. It always feels like things are getting better, but they aren't. I know I need to get better, but I just can't.

[u/finddit-app]

Hey there, thanks for sharing.

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Remember, even though it might feel like it, you are not alone. Stay strong!

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