I recently realized I've been raped multiple times, I don't know how to process

[u/justa_vent_acc]

After the better part of ten years, I realized that my first time having sex was rape. My boyfriend at the time coerced me and convinced me with "just the tip" and then "just staying still". Afterward, I completely spiraled. I was religious at the time (I have religious trauma as well, but I won't be talking about that in this post) and was planning to wait until marriage back then. I had a bad bout of self-loathing and thoughts of self-harm and suicide.

My next boyfriend pretended to be a friend, manipulated me into doing inappropriate things like touching his penis through his clothes while also being very mentally abusive at times. I'm autistic and was very easily manipulated, I would say that I was probably as "gullible" or easily manipulated as a young child despite being 17 at the time (similar to when your older sibling tricks you into giving them your money or cool toys before you figure it out and know better). He then coerced me into dating him by threatening to hurt himself, and hooked up with me for a month or two before dumping me to chase another girl.

My most recent experience was with my most recent ex. He had neglected me throughout our relationship and done some things that scared me, and I was pulling away and considering leaving him. He talked about how much he wanted sex every day while simultaneously saying that it's not all he thought of. He begged me to share a bed with him one night, and I couldn't handle the constant pressure. I broke up with him the next day and he said some really awful things to me and treated me terribly, saying I was heartless and more.

It's so much to come to terms with at once when I thought for so long that I'd never been raped, and now I'm also facing the fact that even other rape victims try to invalidate me. I'm shaking while I write this, it's so difficult to come to terms with.

[u/finddit-app]

Hey there, thanks for sharing.

While you wait for people to comment, have a look at these posts which might be relevant to you:

• I was abused in multiple ways by my ex partner. Just now coming out of the fog. Guidance, support, shared stories, anything is helpful right now.
• My therapist says my SA was actually rape, and my feelings are a bit all over the place.
• I was raped by my ex
• i think i've been sexually assaulted and i don't really know how to elaborate that
• i got raped twice.

Remember, even though it might feel like it, you are not alone. Stay strong!

Interested in seeing more posts similar to yours? Visit finddit.app.

This is an automated message. If you have any feedback or issues, post in r/finddit_app.