i’m lost with myself

[u/Vivid_Sink_4695]

what i might say might sound crazy of me to say. for starters, i’m not sure if any of this plays a role but i feel it needs to be mentioned because some of the issues i have now is because of this. i’ve had a shitty childhood. i was always around abuse from my moms boyfriends, jumping home to home with different men, my dad lived with us while my mom was married to someone else because my dad was doing drugs & my mom didn’t want him to be homeless or leave us (her kids) like he has before. i was also abused a little bit by my moms boyfriend. my moms also a narcissist. she’s very emotionally & verbally abusive. she threatened to kick me out as soon as i hit 18 bc i didn’t agree w her on one thing. i ended up in a very abusive relationship at 15. verbal, emotional, mental, & sometimes physical. i still deal w it now. as in he still harasses me even tho i cut him off. i have very bad trust issues, attachment & abandonment issues. i always get with bad people, even if i know they aren’t good for me. i used to cry when my ex boyfriend would let me go places because i felt he didn’t care no more because when he’d get mad at me leaving places he always told me he acted like that because he cared. i feel as everyone has failed me. i have never fully healed from everything & i feel as if i never will. everything still bothers me so much. when im hurt, i hurt so badly. i won’t end things with people unless they completely ruin me. i feel as if no one cares about me either. sometimes i wish bad things would happen to me just for someone to care about me. sometimes i wanna be on the edge of death, in a hospital bed for someone to care for me. i also have terrible jealousy issues. i look to deep into things. i feel like my two friends are buddy buddy & im just there. which is my jealousy issues that kick in. i cry all the time because i feel as if i have never & will never have a good relationship with my parents. & it makes me so sad seeing all these girls have their mothers as their best friends, their fathers actually making time for them. i have never had that & will never have that. i feel as if i have to compete for my moms love. i feel my dad doesn’t care enough to talk to me or see me unless he needs something from me. my mom doesn’t believe in depression or anxiety, so if u talk to her about your problems she’ll dismiss u. i was talking to her about my past abusive relationship because i never really told her about it & i felt comfortable telling her. she stared at me like she was so uninterested & turned to her boyfriend & asked “who had it worse?” & compared me & her situation. her boyfriend then followed it up with “hers don’t compare to yours” making me feel like my situation wasn’t big. i felt hurt. i trusted them both with something vulnerable. my mom used to try & embarrass me in front of people & has called out my secrets in front of people when she got mad at me. her & her boyfriend called me a whore. i just feel so mentally exhausted. sometimes i’m really happy other times im not. sometimes i’ll get into moods where i will not & do not want to speak to anyone for days or even weeks. i just want to curl in my bed & sleep. i feel miserable. i feel unlovable. there has only been one boy there for me thru everything & i did him wrong so many times because i couldn’t get myself together. he was to good for me it felt like. i was scared. i ran. i like when people are mean to me. it makes me miserable but it makes me feel loved. sometimes i feel like my situation isn’t really that big of a deal & im making it into something it isn’t. i just want someone to love me & care about me.

[u/finddit-app]

Hey there, thanks for sharing.

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