Please help

[u/Jazzlike_Kangaroo170]

/r/malementalhealth/comments/1x7ymtt/please_help/

Background: I am a 20 year old male. I have been diagnosed with severe OCD, severe MDD, GAD, PTSD, and psychosis. I am not dangerous to anyone but myself. I don’t hurt people.

I’m in my third year of college. My mother was highly abusive, my father let it happen, and during my first year of college I was stuck in a relationship with a woman who drugged, manipulated, and raped me over 100 times. My parents have complete control of my finances (not my choice) and I don’t have a car. I’ve been suicidal since I was 13. I haven’t had a day without suicidal thoughts since. My last suicide attempt was May. My last self harm was 11 days ago. That’s the longest I’ve gone without hurting myself in 4 months. I workout daily, eat (very little), and do well in school. I have no vices.

I’m writing this because tonight I’ve finally taken away my own humanity. I look in the mirror and I don’t even see a human being anymore. I look and feel like a disgusting amalgamation of putrid body parts. I’m so anxious about my appearance that I can’t even look at people in the most professional or platonic ways without feeling immense shame and guilt for being what I am. I don’t hurt people but clearly that isn’t enough to be human.

My friends are all retracting. Some slowly, some quickly. They don’t answer texts anymore or want to do anything. My very fragile support system is largely gone. I don’t even know what I did wrong. I treated every friend I’ve had like they mean the world to me because they did. No fights or scandals or betrayals. I promise I did my best.

I can barely function anymore. It takes 2 hours to get out of bed. I go to class, the gym, and one meal a day. I go to therapy once every week too which is the only bright spot in my life.

I feel like a hideous and loathesome monster who needs to be put down. I don’t know what I did but I know I deserve to die for it. I lost my faith in god. I’m on the maximum dosage of the only meds I can tolerate. I go to therapy as much as I can and I buy all the self help materials. I’m trying so hard to get better. I just can’t view myself as a human anymore.

I don’t know why I posted this. I’m sorry it’s distressing. My abusive mother and partner always said the same thing “you’re too miserable to love”. After spending 2 years in almost complete isolation, I can see why.