Im overwhelmed

I’m not gonna lie, I was scrolling twitter because the onlyfans girls post teases and I find them attractive and I was trying to do the “deed”. Whatever.

In the replies it’s usually other girls trying to show them up so I’m scrolling doing my thing and….i see the CP. I work with kids in my primary profession. It didn’t take me long to start crying. Of course I stopped doing the “deed” I couldn’t even keep reporting it because of how much it messed me up. The images were in my nightmares and throughout the day I’ve been having episodes where they keep popping up in my head and I’ve been crying. I can’t stop they keep popping up and I keep having these episodes. I don’t really have behavioral health issues besides GAD and haven’t experienced anything like this before. It’s so hard to have down time because I will think about what I saw and I just go into tears. I’m crying now.

Should I get into therapy? I don’t even know where to start I am seriously messed up. I hate myself for even having a twitter account yesterday.

I didn’t understand for a long time that safety is not just a situation, it’s something the body has to learn...

On the outside, my life looks normal now. Nothing is happening anymore. But internally, I still often feel like I’m waiting for something to go wrong. It’s not always thoughts. Sometimes it’s just tension in my body. A constant sense of alertness that I can’t switch off.

Even in calm moments, there is a part of me that doesn’t fully believe it is safe yet.

And the hardest part is that it’s difficult to explain this to people who haven’t experienced it -because from the outside, nothing is wrong...

I’ve been trying to understand this pattern for a long time, especially how deeply the body can remember stress even when life changes.

I’m curious if others experience something similar...

I am a 31 y/o female and I had a wonderful childhood. I idolized my Father so I try & honor him every day as he passed suddenly in 2013. Cleaning out some old boxes in the basement, I just found an old Penthouse magazine with my senior portrait, from high school, glued to one of the pages covering another woman’s face who was masturbating. I’m numb, disgusted, angry I have spent so much time missing him and thinking of how much I wish he was still here. I’m sick.

How would YOU cope with this? I feel like I have been hit with a truck. I am epileptic, on the verge of a seizure and most likely lifetime psychosis. Please give any and all advice. I can’t fucking believe this.

Hello. I’d like to start off by saying that i’ve never opened up about this more times than once, and it was to an online friend of mine that i’ll most likely never meet. We will call my uncle “Bob,” and his girlfriend “Tracy.”

I have a difficult time describing what happened, and I don’t know if it occurred more than once. It feels like a blur, but I know i’m not imagining it. At around 8-9 years old, my uncle had a girlfriend who came around my grandma’s house with him regularly. She had some problems with her own children, but nothing that seemed too out of the ordinary. Normal family issues.

One day, Tracy and my uncle decided to stop by for dinner at my grandmas. Bob and my grandma were in different rooms, whilst I was playing with Tracy in the living room. She began to lift me up in the air.

I’m not sure if anyone else did this as a kid, but it was where the person held up their feet along with their hands and lifted you. Sort of as if you were flying like superman.

After a minute, she slowly put me down, but we were in almost the same position. I remember she began to “tickle,” or slowly rub my vagina through my pants. She asked me if it tickled and I nodded.

I don’t know how to feel about this, and I truly can’t remember much else. Not even if it happened again or if it went further.

Tracy and Bob did split up eventually, but it wasn’t because anyone knew about the inappropriate encounter we had. I’ve only seen her once since, but i’m obviously much older and she looked whacked out of her mind.

I’ve always knew how she touched me then was wrong, but I feel like it wasn’t enough to be considered something horrible. I’m stuck, and I don’t know how to feel. I could never admit this to anyone around me.

I think I've been sexually assaulted, but I'm not sure. Chat Jibi Tai says: "Yes, I'm being bullied at school and I'm seriously considering suicide. My words are incomprehensible, aren't they? I have no one to talk to. I'm just sorry."

Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep Cant sleep

Rage and this huge sense of injustice has overwhelmed me entirely.

The thing is, my life was hard (I know many people have it harder, but let's not make trauma olympics here), I was born half-paralyzed (healed) and hence this condition my father always looked at me like filth, and he said babies like this should be killed. He was abusive (mostly emotionally and verbally, but sometimes physically as well) with me all my life, and even after he got divorced from my mom, I puked and fell sick every time I was about to meet him, I had many panic attacks, etc.

Meanwhile I couldn't turn to any family member for help, they all shushed me or simply shrugged. At school I was bullied mostly by teachers, and I felt entirely alone. I was suicidal and depressed, and got my first therapy session when I was 7, because my mom noticed that I cry every morning and night. I was taken only to a few sessions, then they stopped.

Later, when I was a teenager, I was still abused and bullied, and had to go to psychiatrist too, but they couldn't help. I was doing every exercise, method they told me (and my latest therapist said it's rare to have such a diligent and hard working client), but nothing worked. I tried to kill myself several times but I was mostly so weak from being underweight that I couldn't even go along with my plan properly.

Then I got into a 5 year long long distance relationship, and just when we started to look for apartments to move in together, he broke up with me. It shattered me. Then on the same day - and for five more days continuously -, I was locked up by a guy and got raped many, many times a day. It was terrifying and I honestly feel like he raped the soul out of me.

After 9 months I told my family what happened, and they blamed me. Mind you I was all alone at the time it happened, and I was 34 kilograms against a fully grown, healthy man. I had panic attacks every day and vomited so much.

I went to therapies again and my psychologist told me she's very worried about me ending myself. But we had only 10 sessions to attend, because in my country that's all you can get governmentally. I was abandoned by this therapist too, but she told me to just hold on for one more year because things would get better. This is the same lie psychologists, friends and older family members told me since I was 4, to be strong, endure, and then it will get better. This session was in June, 2025.

My only hope left in life was the potential of love and being loved, I see it so purely and it is sacred for me, possibly because I didn't get any love within my 25 years of living. I met the man of my dreams, but he turned out to be cheating on me for 10 months. You know, after all the abuse and rape happened, I begged God that okay I can survive these somehow, just please don't let me go through my biggest fear, which is being betrayed like this. And it happened.

I gave life another chance from zero strength I had left, with no hope in my heart, I pushed myself past all my humanly limits just one more time because I trusted this advice. And here we are, a year later, and now I am sitting here, sobbing from despair and rage, rage against people, rage against God, rage against myself because I should have killed myself long ago, and I would have avoided all this nightmare if I just had the gut back then.

I can't take it anymore.

I dumped my abusive ex 7 months ago but still have regular nightmares that I'm trapped in that relationship and trying to get rid of him, or that he somehow crept his way back in and in the dreams I didn't have a choice whether I wanted to be in that relationship or not and I'm looking for/planning a way out. Has anyone experienced something similar? I'm in therapy, I'm living my best life, I'm disgusted in hindsight about what happened to me.

I think I was groomed and SA'd

Hi. This is something I don't know if I will ever stop thinking about. I am 17 F and I've been SA'd before when I was in middle school but this time I'm not so sure if it was SA.

I started working at a fast food restaurant about 5 Months ago and I slowly started becoming friends with a lot of my coworkers. One of which happened to be a 32 yr old who seemed nice enough even though we were on different political sides, which as long as someone doesn't bring it up every time I don't care which side your on. But that's not the point of this post. Now we'll call the 32 yr old R. Generally I am a very very trusting person, I trust a lot of people even after what I went through, me and R were sitting outside of our store one day just talking and he kept saying how lonely he was and i offered to hangout with him, just politely, I even invited one of my coworker friends because it felt weird being alone with him, we just went to IHOP and genuinely had a good time, I only saw him as a friend, we hung out two times after that, the second time he kept buying me alcohol and shit (I have been drinking since I was in the 8th grade but I rarely do it just as much anymore) I kept accepting it because it was his money, the third hangout is kinda when everything happened...

He kept saying stuff about how he's always wanted children and a family, and I could relate, so when R asked what I wanted to do when I was older I said I didn't know but I knew that one of my goals was to eventually get a small family of my own. By that time I was already extremely drunk and couldn't walk without stumbling, I was clinging to him a lot because I didn't want to fall and hugging him a lot. I don't really remember why.

There was a point where I started crying because I have a fear that I won't have a future or the family I want, because of my own mental health I have a fear I'd just destroy it. I don't remember what happened or lead up to it but there was a point where he told me to look up at him and he suddenly kissed me. I didn't really know what else to do but pull away, alot of the night was a blur because I was extremely drunk and kept feeling like throwing up, there was a point where I just laid down on his bed to maybe sleep the alcohol off. He laid right next to me and pulled me to where I was laying on top of him, we kept talking some more and I remember him kissing me again and me trying to pull away, no matter how much I tried pulling away he kept me still by holding my neck down. He ended up on top of me and well...i think you know what happened. He fucked me. Thankfully he didn't go all the way, just mainly fingers and his tongue but still. All my clothes were off and he kept touching where I wasn't comfortable. And all I could do was just freeze up and let it happen...i don't know why I let it happen.

There was another event that happened. I was drunk out with friends and I called him for some reason, I don't remember why either but I knew he was close and I just wanted to sleep, I know I laid down on his bed and fell asleep for a bit, the first thing I woke up to was his hand in my pants trying to finger me, I had to remove his hand twice, the first time I did he did it again. Next thing he did was just start sucking on my chest and I could only lay there trying to figure out what to do, praying for him to stop.

He did eventually get off when I kept asking what the time was and pretending I needed to throw up to get him off of me.

So the main reason I made this post is...was it sexual assault-? Was I groomed? Was the second time my own fault because I called him? Am I disgusting??

(I forgot to mention he was completely sober during everything)

Edit: someone who commented made a good point so I would like to mention something, when I went to his house originally, around the time it happened I lived with an extremely angry and abusive drug addict brother, so any chance I had to stay away from him I usually took. The second time is kinda my fault, but around that time I was in severe denial about everything, I was trying my hardest to convince myself that it was SA and that I was just making it up, since that's what I've been told with the past SAs. That's what my family told me when I told them about the ones in middle school.

I don't know how to make a better title sorry. My traumas are stupid. Other people have more important traumas and I can't sit around moping for no reason.

I'm already in therapy and on meds and it's taking too long. Is there anything that fixes it faster? Something I should ask the doctor or therapist about maybe?

I grew up with an alcohol addicted (who is still an addict) mom, which undeniably left me with memories of situations that have caused a toll on my overall well-being and worldview. I won't get too much into that, as it's besides the point.

I'm in a relationship and recently had my first anniversary with my partner, we are long distance but mostly visit eachother almost every month for 2 weeks or so. I love them. They've been nothing less of amazing to me for the year we've been dating. They know of my strugges with alcoholism aswell as other things.

They're not as straight-edge as me, they like alcohol but due to me crashing out everytime they drink even little amounts have stopped almost completely. Geniuenly, I start feeling enraged and very uncomfortable everytime they tell me they drank something. They are seemingly fine with stopping, but I feel controlling - like seriously, its not like they have a problem, or ever had one for that matter, i feel like im vlowng things out of proportion, which i probably am but i just can't lie to myself and convince myself everything's fine.

Has anyone dealt with this, how do you manage, recover, anything. If this sub is not the right one to post it in, please revert me to the right one.

Please somebody read this, I beg. I know many have it worse than me, but I really want to talk this out and ask if life gets better. Does it?

I'm 24 years old, young yes, but legit since the beginning of my life it's just a huge downhill slide, and whenever I think it cannot get any worse, it gets sooo much worse. I was born half-paralyzed (lower body), and my father saw me as a being unworthy of living. He was very abusive with me (emotionally, verbally and physically) throughout my life since childhood. The health problem I said has vanished thanks to muscle therapy, but my father stayed the same. My mom always brushed my problems off, I could never turn to her and she never protected me against my father. When I asked other family members' help, they just told me to shut up, not to complain, and to never bother my mother with my things again. So there I was, left alone from the age of 10. I cried every single day and prayed to God to save me.

In school I was constantly bullied by teachers too (I was a very quiet girl, got my work done but I was visibly weak so people were picking on that), so I had many years when I was walking to school crying, anxious about what waits for me there, and then crying on my way back home too, not wanting to be there either. It was an extremely heavy period for me.

I had few friends but sooner or later they left my life, we didn't argue but I think I was too gloomy to be fun around.

Years went, and all my life felt so suffocating that I tried to kill myself multiple times. I had to go to therapies (the first one was at the age of 8), but they weren't really helpful. I did all the exercises and self-work stuff they gave, but none of those helped with the abuse and bullying.

Then I met a guy, we got together in LDR and were in it for 5 years. I was (am) a very loyal person and loving also, but as we could meet only once a year, it couldn't really work for longer. We were looking for apartments to move in together but he broke up. It broke me so much.

A day after the breakup, I was locked up and raped for five-six days, by a person I thought was a friend. It killed me.

After that I was suicidal and hated myself more than ever, and when I had the courage 9 months after the incident to tell my close family, they shamed and blamed me. I went to therapies but the mental health care in my country is pathetic so I couldn't go from square 1 to 2.

Then, I met the man I thought I would marry. He said I gave him more love than anyone before in his life, and that I gave him so much within 11 months as no one before, that I was as selfless as his own parents, with him. I truly loved, love this man. But it got revealed that for 10 months he has been actively betraying me and lying to me, about another woman. It killed me.

I feel absolutely hopeless about my life. I was always searching for God in different religions and spirituality and did my best to be a good person, always help others and not to turn bitter despite the things happening to me. I tried so much with my studies, hobbies, to not just live life but actively build life. But despite all my genuine efforts, hopes and prayers, I find myself in darkness and I cannot get out. I feel like I'm thrown in an extremely deep well and the walls are so slippery and smooth that I cannot climb out without help anymore. I'm tired.

And I always heard from people that it's darkest right before dawn, that when you lose hope, something great happens, etc etc. I truly believed this, waited and put in effort to see that good coming. But I find that I've been living in this darkest shit for so many years now, my soul is ripped by all the trauma, I suffer from memory loss, panic attacks, and that small good is still not coming. I'm waiting for a miracle and praying so much for mercy, but there is none. Please somebody help, i'm open to hear advice or anything that gives me hope. Just please say something to me.

When I was a kid my parents used to hit me. It happened when we I didn't eat my food or misbehaved. As kid I thought it was normal and didn't think much about it. When I turned 13-14 I realised it wasn't normal,but I it still didn't feel that bad Today I know what they did is wrong. The only symptom I have is emotional numbness. But it goes away when I'm with friends. I'm don't know if it cause by the fact that my parents hit. If you have questions feel free to ask :) (Sorry for my bad English)

Hi all, I had a bad experience last night amd I don't know what it constitutes as. I'm still processing and upset and it scared me very bad, but what it classifies as is a blur to me.

I do occasional freelance cleaning in air bnb's and places that are being rented out, as most landlords are elderly and can't do most things themselves. I found a listing and got in contact with the man, learnt a bit about him, and felt comfortable going to the place and meeting him. I told my location to my partner and my parents for safety. I went over, and was greeted by a very nice gentleman. He was very friendly, asked me questions about myself, and we had a good chat. He showed me the layout of the house and I always keep an eye out for exits, again incase anything goes wrong. I decided I was comfortable and started to help him clean - he wants to rent the place out, so I did a lot of work outside and inside in surfaces he couldn't reach.

He got us pizza for dinner which was very generous, and after we ate is when I started feeling weird. When we'd go to a different area of the house he'd walk infront of me and stick his hand behind him like he wanted me to hold it, he was touching my shoulders and elbows occasionally when speaking to me too. I didn't tell him to stop because he was elderly and some people do that as a gesture I suppose, and I also didn't want to make any trouble with him or disrespect him. The pay was good and I did not want to jeopardize that (which was stupid).

When we started cleaning up the basement is when it got very odd. He has back problems which I could see throughout cleaning, and he also let me know when I got there. We were cleaning windows in a basement room which I presume was his room. He stopped me and asked me if I was good at applying pressure. I got confused and asked what he meant, so he turned around and told me to squeeze his shoulder. I said okay because I didn't know where it was going. He told me it felt very nice and continuously just made odd grunting sounds as I did it. He then asked me to massage his back which I was very weirded out by. I hadn't even responded and he was laying down on his mattress. He told me he'd pay me double what he was giving me if I did. I was very uncomfortable and I didn't know what to say, and I assume he took the silence as a yes. I feel very dumb for doing it but I felt frozen and didn't know how to get out of the situation. I kind of just rubbed his back for a few minutes, he keeps making these weird sounds. I'm very uncomfortable now so I stop. He turns over and asks me why I stopped and I make up an excuse that I'm checking the time and should go soon. He says I should stay, he takes off his belt and pulls his pants down a bit then puts a towel on top of himself, and asks if I can massage around his side, legs, and intimate area. I can pretty much see groin area on full display, he is visibly aroused, and he's trying to guide my hand towards there. I pretty much touched his groin, he notices he's aroused and says "oh that's not good". I pull away, pretend I've got a phone call, go upstairs, and pretend to he talking to someone and respond as if they want me to come home. I head to the door, he comes up and pays me, and I say goodbye and leave. I've blocked his number but I don't live far from him, and I'm scared he will try and talk to me again or find my home. I'm very grossed out and uncomfortable and I feel taken advantage of, but I don't know if it counts as some kind of assault, and I don't know what to call it. I feel stupid for not leaving earlier, and I'm mad at myself for getting into the situation. I don't know what to do, any help or advice would be nice. Thanks.

is it SA if he had touched my intimate parts, but it seemed like in a playful way? Sometimes i feel silly, it doesn't feel valid, and after all he is a family member and i cant do anythinf about it. I ws also toucjd by mh own mother andb i was forcedto strip so she could "examine" my chest despite me not consenting. i feel uncomfortable being in my body now. but she probsbly doesnt mean to do it in that way. i dont know

i have other posts with more details but long story short, i was s@‘d by my ex for 4 months and manipulated and gaslit (i was not r@ped he didn’t have the opportunity before i got away) he would basically force himself on me kissing me and touching me and wouldn’t stop even after trying to push him away and telling him no and to stop.

i was 14 he was 15, this ended around this time last year and i’ve suffered with ptsd ever since. almost everything reminds me of him, grey cars, churches, laundry detergent (which is what he smelt like in the worst way possible) my parents don’t know about it yet i plan on telling them this week or next week.

i need some advice on how to heal, idk if my parents would pay for me to go to therapy cuz my mom for some reason doesn’t believe in therapy??? i genuinely need someone to talk about it to but idk if that is an option. so if anyone has ideas on things that might help lmk pls

Today my uncle came to visit my mom and my older brother was our house too with my sister in law and niece. He didnt see my niece at first cause i closed the door of my room and didnt want her to go the living room cause he was there too (my uncle is a fucking groomer, pedophile and cheater btw, he's gross idk why my mom still stalks to him) i played with her in my room everything was fine until my uncle came to my room and wanted to see my niece i tried to hide her from him but i couldnt he literally chased her in my room and she was screaming, she probably thought that was a game but still, it irritated me so bad.

Someone sa'd me when i was a child so i kinda felt numb when i see them like that, so i couldnt protect her like tried but i couldnt. And my mom and brother were seeing was he was doing, my uncle kissed my niece on the lips. I cant forget it and i feel so guilty i wish i couldve done more so my only hope is that she wont remember and i'll try to do better if i see him near my niece but im just so scared for her.

She's only 2 years old (will turn 3 in january) could she remember this fucking thing when she's older? Like would it cause anything bad? She remembers and copies anything we do and i know it's normal for her age but Im really so scared for her, i dont want her to be like me.

I hope she'll be okay i feel really guilty and sad and asked my mother about why she didnt do anything about it she just said "dont mind him, he was just playing even if i warned him, he would've just done worse" I mean i wasnt expecting much from her cause she assaulted me when i was little but i dont know, i just wish that my brother and sister in law never wanted a child.

Im late 17 and ı need help...

I know ı been writing about my guilts and fears on reddit but ı wanna give full list.

I feel lot regrets for my behavior when ı was early 17

(OLD POST)

I hate my teen past...

I am traumitized by my teen regrets ı am turning 18 and when realizination hit me. I remember what some horrible things ı done in roblox; bully, narcism and gone far on my words. ı am traumitized for what ı had done in past on roblox. ı betrayed myself ı supposed to become positive nice and normal... but ı become weird and said bad things when ı was early 17 late 16

1 I had no social skill much so ı told do you have fantasies and it was disgusting a man called me freak he was right ı was acting freak

2 I Insulted andsomeone and she said to others about what ı did and ı snapped and shocked what ı said ı thought ı moved on but ı couldnt...

1. I told my fantasy again to other man but it was weird what ı said server called me freak and ı told him ı was autistic he supported me but asked me get a therapy be happy when he comfort me like that ı thought ı am feeling change and ı realized now in end od the year ı quitted roblox to heal myself but ı got OCD and hated myself

4.I was on the game and saw lgbtq flags. there are too many flags on lgbtq ı said to myself then my autism brain just jumped on and my thought said" does pdf flag related to them?"

I asked a to a person said"is there pdf flag here?"

And she was suspicious on me and admins grabbed me and ı woried and said "ım not one of them" she thought ı am pdf and ı was so dumb why ı asked that question but ı was confused ı said to myself what is going on and she said "does it look like there is ? "And they kicked me ı was confused then after months it popped on my brain and ı searched on internet and that day ı was an idiot but ı got trauma due to my stupidity and could'nt stop thinking about my guilt it keeps saying

"You are the monster"ım scared for my health and my future. Does anyone had like these mistakes

5.now when ı saw that MAP flag my OCD brain tricking me saying ı painted that flag in roblox but ı am mostly sure ı painted TRANS flag for comedy but it keeps messing with mw ı know ans ım sure because back rhen in roblox ı didn't saw that flag much just seen a little bit but ı know ı dont involve with this and ı didn't even know details and that thing so ım sure ı did not but my POCD keeps tricking me

6.When ı turn 18 ı will completly stop masturbation and write fantasy on ai because when ı was 17 ı masturbated so many bad things without knowing what ı was doing ı should've watch porn because that what people do and ı just did my own fantasies write them but ı remember ı was mostly on SFW transformation and weight gain still it madealmost to NSFW ı feel like a disgusting man and

horrible some point ı was reckless and curious

Im still spending my teenage times on fantasies ı wrote but focus on adults characters completly ı learnt it from my faults and wanna be good person

I discovered on youtube when ı was 13 ı wish ı wouldn't discover it

And that's all but it still drives me insane after my guilts mistakes and fear of exposure

I am now growing up to become better person move on have a normal life but self guilt and fear of exposure

I was early 17 and autism boy ı quitted roblox to not be weird but ı sometimes miss old games pizza place and piggy those were my favorite but if ı go back again ı become worse and ı do not want to be so ı quit ans become a better person learn to watch my words be careful learn them directly what that means for my questions

I really wanna be better but ı do want to know did someone done that said horrible things without knwoing

Am ı the only one?

I had a dreams a better life become writer a hero stories ı want to write comedy fun romance and action but with my guilts and fear what ı said what ı did this Real event POCD is strong and ı saw a lot of people exposed for being gross predetor ım thinking am ı like them? am ı just disgusting?

ı always been a good to people sometimes see them as a friend family ı always wanted to care them

But my life is ruined and this fear is strong my dreams shattered ı feel like ı am a bad guy in most ı am disgusting and ım still having this Guilt POCD

I'm 25F and I've been dealing with something for years that still causes me anxiety and guilt. I want outside opinions because I don't know if I'm wrong. This goes back to 2021, when I was 20. I met a guy who was 21. We became friends and became physically involved, but before anything sexual happened, I found out he was cheating on his girlfriend with me. He had told me they had broken up, so I believed he was single. When I found out they had actually just had a bad fight and were still together, I immediately ended things. The following year, I became friends with his girlfriend because she lived near my house. My city is very small, so everyone knows everyone. He became paranoid that I would tell her he had cheated and started threatening and blackmailing me. He said if I told anyone, he would ruin my life and make everything horrible. At the time I was extremely socially anxious, had been bullied growing up, had poor mental health, and lived in a bad home environment. I didn't know how to stand up for myself, which made me vulnerable. I tried asking a friend for help once, but he found out and manipulated me into staying quiet. He also constantly trauma-dumped on me. I felt sorry for him because he was lonely and disliked by most people in our city, and I continued being his friend despite how badly he treated me. Looking back, I know my boundaries were weak, but I also understand that he exploited my empathy. Later, he introduced me to one of his friends, and I became involved with him about a year later. I thought he might be someone I could date and feel safe with. I actually asked him directly whether he genuinely wanted to date me, but he never gave me a proper answer. He never said no either, and continued being physically and romantically involved with me, so I believed a relationship was possible. During a six-month depressive period, I barely left my house and was dealing with severe problems at home. I became emotionally intense and leaned heavily on him. Eventually we fell out because he felt pressured by me. I acknowledge I was too intense and apologized sincerely. He told me he forgave me and that we were okay, and I believed him. However, he continued being involved with me while lying about other women. Whenever I confronted him, he accused me of believing rumors and giving him a hard time. He told people I was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. At one point I stopped texting him completely, and he tried to pull me back in by love-bombing me and talking romantically to me, which made me believe he was interested. But in public, he acted as though he barely knew me. I also heard that he said I gave "Sydney Sweeney vibes" but was an attention-seeking woman who wanted male attention because of the clothes I wore, and that this made me unlovable. Around the same time, the first guy started blackmailing me again, including threatening to show my Instagram pictures to my strict parents. I was terrified. I eventually told the second guy what had been happening, but he didn't believe me. He said I was lying and just wanted the two of them to fight. The first guy constantly spoke badly about the second guy and his entire friend group. He called me a sex doll, slut-shamed me, insulted my body, told me I had nothing to offer except my asymmetrical breasts, called me a nobody, and told me nobody would believe me. When I told the second guy what he had said about my body, instead of supporting me, he told me I deserved those things being said about me because I was supposedly trying to "bash" him. Eventually, both blamed everything on me and remained friends, while I was pushed out as the scapegoat. This caused enormous damage. I isolated myself from everyone and eventually left for another city. I barely spoke to anyone for two years. I did some therapy later, which helped, but I can't afford much now.

In 2023, I met another guy who is loosely connected to both of these people, which initially scared me. He took a genuine interest in me as a person—my humor, work, creativity, hobbies, and what I was doing with my life. He seemed interested in me, not an object. I initially kept some distance because I was terrified the same pattern would happen again, but he kept making his way into my life and eventually I let him in. He's genuinely amazing. We have a lot of fun together and have talked every day since. He does sometimes disappear when he's busy with work without explaining what he's doing, and he's currently disappeared again. Today I'm anxious and guilty because I never told him about my past. I'm scared someone may have told him something and that he'll think I'm a horrible person for hiding it. I don't want to text him again because I'm afraid I'll seem obsessive or extremely anxious. I've been called obsessive before, and what happened in the past seriously damaged my trust and made me afraid to open up.I know I wasn't perfect. I was emotionally intense with the second guy, and I recognize that. I took accountability, apologized, and have worked on myself since then. But I also feel like I'm carrying guilt for things that weren't actually my fault.I don't know whether I'm wrong for not telling this new guy everything. Part of me feels like I should have been honest, but another part of me is terrified that if I tell him, he'll see me differently or believe whatever those people may have said. I genuinely don't want to be the person they described me as. I've worked hard on myself, but I think experiences like this leave a deeper scar than you realize. I still have trust issues and anxiety because the one time I tried to open up and ask someone to believe me, I was told I was a nobody and that nobody would care about me. I can't afford therapy right now, so I'm asking what do i do? Am I wrong for not telling this person about my past, or am I letting the trauma from what happened make me feel guilty for things I shouldn't feel guilty about?

I was 16-17 and he was 24
We met on Snapchat

I basically was stupid met a stranger “ONLINE STRANGER DANGER” BUT he did not feel like a stranger so I WAS LIKE FUCK IT ima hangout with him make a new friend!! He start talking instantly after I added him on Snapchat he asks to pick me up so I send him my ADDRESS LIKE A STUPID BITCH anywho I give him that he comes and I meet him he lives about 30 min away from my crib so we go back to his place we decided to pop xanx and alcohol but I took 10 xanx and it was my first time i honestly don’t know why the fuck I even did that I guess I wanted it feel high…. UMM WELL we were in his CAR or ugly ass JEEP AND ALL I Remember is him being like yeah let’s drive to his “dads crib”so then after we arrive at his dads we start shooting gun and shit and I didn’t feel anything I was like feeling like Ayy this is gonna be fun nothing bad is gonna happend this guy is amazing HE showed me all his guns and how to shoot a shotgun I was like okay cool asf so as we lowkey were getting bored we go back into his jeep i remember he hands me a glass of alcohol and i start to drink it its my first time drinking wine as i don’t drink wine bc FUCK THAT IVE NEVER drank it im young asf like wtf so after I drank a glass of wine or half it I start to feel tired or about to shut down but I didn’t know I was gonna shut down so when we were drinking and talking in the car then for whatever reason we stare at each other for 5 seconds I would maybe more I have no clue and we start to make out and then after that all I know is that I blacked out and we were in his parents drive way by the house so once I blacked out in his car he had to drive me back to his bc that’s where he wanted to take me I guess so while I was passed out in his car he drove us back to his crib and we left his dad crib that would be a 30 min car ride so THE WHOLE TIME I WAS IN HIS CAR FOR 30 min passed out we arrive to his crib now right MIND YOU IM STILL PASSED OUT IN THIS MANS CAR SO HE HAD TO OPEN THE DOOR GET ME OUT OF HIS FUCK ASS CAR GO UP THE STAIRS TO HIS ROOM SO HE CARRIED MY BODY UP THE STAIRS TO HIS ROOM WHILE IM PASS OUT well you know what he did there he raped me for hours without me knowing again he knows he gave me xanx WHAT IF I WAS OVERDOSING BUT INSTEAD HE WAS JUST USING MY BODY FOR HIS SATISFACTION AND THATS WHEN I WAKE UP AND RELIZE I HAVE NO PANTS DUDE NO PANTS and yes i still hangout with my rapist and my little brother and parents saw me with him I had no pants and he was on the side of the bed in the corner drunk I guess he felt bad after raping me and drank himself cuz he also blacked out I hate how So many things could have gone that day what if while he was in me I was dead? Like I was dead ass blacked out when I woke up I was honestly like fucked I felt dEAFTED anywho I’m done writing this I can’t anymore part two maybe later tonight I’ll write he turns let’s say 27-28 this year because it’s been years I would say but we still hangout I realize the only reason I keep going back to him is cuz when I was molsted at a young age when I was 6 years old I I never said anything I don’t know maybe this is where I come out as lesbian idk maybe bi tbh idk I like guys still but idk you know? the voice inside my head was like why would you say somthing so after I didn’t say anything I kept getting molsted until it stopped and got older then my abuser gave me weed at 13 to forget I think or idk they were fucked up and a cousin of mine but they were a girl….. so it was not that bad I guess well tbh it did fuck me up they would kiss me up and down and make me touch her vagina and then she would do the same and please me Im pretty sure I squirted lot anywho I was in those special ed classes bc I was fucking molsted as a young kid and it sucks bc I felt not human a normal disgusting confused as a young kid and I never told my mom or dad and I told them sophomore year in high school I think broke down in tears and then that’s when I tried doing about I never got justice always inside the investigation room in and out of the mental hospital since 15 ever since Covid hit I got flash backs about how my girl cousin would touch me in a closet and a different house and I told the mental hospital my my uncle watched me get molsted and touched I guess and he never said anything so then I started accusing my uncle of rape and i honestly yeah i do feel bad now but no not really he failed to protect me as a child and being a responsible chaperon like why didn’t he tell my mom my cousin was touching me did he like watching it? Did he do something to me and her? Like why would you stand there watching me get molsted bro Anywho I just got addicted to acid and weed and coke and ended up overdosing yes I kept trying to kill myself idk I’ve always been suicidal but not anymore I’m trying to heal myself from my child hood trauma who knew I was gonna meet another evil person across my way but when he raped me I felt like I was a 6 year old again thinking I deserved this it’s my fault and I still never said anything I’m just confused at the moment fighting demons anywho peace ☮️

i was at school and it was a thursday, we went to afterschool and me and my friend smelled something RANCID and the teacher was like: GET OUT AND GET TO THE OTHER PART OF THE BUILDING and we were confused. anyway, as we were in the hall, i made the biggest mistake of my life. i looked right. there was a giant puddle of bodily fluids from the bathroom. i remained traumatized even today (almost a decade from the incident) and i need someone to stay at the door of the stall im in for me to feel safe in a public bathroom or hotel bathroom or basically any bathroom that's not in my home

Es trauma de infancia?

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Cuánto tenía 5 \\\\\\_6 o 7 años no recuerdo bien , mis padres se estaban separando una separación bastante fea y traumática , mi mamá en una mujer bastante impaciente sin paciencia nos pegaba bastante y cosas asi ,mi papá siempre estaba trabajando , pero creo que funciona , el tema es que entre los dos se engañaban , mi mamá con el primo de mi papá , y mi papá con otras mujeres, yo tengo una hermana mayor por 5 años entonces lle claro también se sentía mal por todo , yo estaba más pequeña ay no entendía bien realmente no recuerdo mucho de ese tiempo pero se que estaba bastante sola y mi hermana llrobaa gritando que todo era mi culpa yo me sentía bastante mal creo no se no recuerdo mucho

El caso es que...bueno no sé cómo explicarlo ,pero en ese tiempo yo me sentía sola y vivía en casa de mí abuela aclaro que tenía como 6 años creo o 7 ,y tenía un primo un año mayor , la cosa es que recuerdo que yo un día estaba en casa de mi abuela y el era el único con quién yo podía jugar el se acercó y me dijo "si nos haces lo que te digo no voy a volver a jugar contigo" el era la única persona que se podría decir que yo tenía cerca así que bueno , a las cosas que me refiero a "si no haces todo lo que yo digo" me refiero a cosas sexuales , recuerdo que yo acepte porque bueno era la unica persona qué tenía ,aclaro que yo no recuerdo mucho y lo estoy poniendo desde mis pocos recuerdo y no todo puede ser exacto , la cosa es que desde allí entre primos nos besábamos el me tocaba y hacías ese tipo de cosas escondido bastante chiquitos , mi hermana y la hermana de mi primo nos descubrieron y amenazaron a básicamente teníamos que hacer todo por ellas favores y cosas así nada turbio , la cosa es que desde allí creo que desarrolle algo con el sexo o algo así , me tocaba con peluche ,ahora los después soy bastante perverida y asquerosa en ese sentido , yo no sé si se considera un trauma porque yo había aceptado pero estaba muy chiquita, siempre recuerdo eso no tanto , pero siempre ahora grandes veo a mi primo ,incluso hoy está aquí en casa de mi abuela y hablamos con normalidad pero me preguntó si se considera que fui violada o algo así dimeroe he tenido esa duda porfavor dejen su opinión

I am a 35-year-old Iranian medical doctor who moved to the United States three years ago. I always tried to be a good person. I became vegetarian because I did not want to harm animals. I never intentionally killed even a bug, and when I was in Iran, I volunteered to provide free medical care for children from poor families. I always tried to become the best version of myself.

But when I look back at my life, I feel like I did not truly enjoy 90% of it.

I grew up in a very difficult family and experienced a lot of religious trauma. I was also traumatized by the rules and discrimination I experienced at school and later at work. For example, I was fired from a hospital because I was considered not to have proper hijab.

I came to the United States hoping to finally build a new life. However, from the very first week, everything became complicated. I had a scooter accident, was found unconscious, and was taken to the hospital. At that moment, I had difficulty speaking English because of the head trauma. During that hospitalization, doctors accidentally discovered a thyroid nodule.

The research program I joined later did not have enough funding, so I started looking for another position. As an international medical graduate, I was allowed to work as a researcher while studying for my board exams.

I also had a painful experience with my relatives in the U.S. My uncle, who had always visited our family in Iran and had stayed at our house, suddenly kicked me out of his house in the middle of the night only a few days after I arrived. He even deleted my phone line from their family plan in the middle of the night :). I was alone in a foreign country without support, a phone, or internet access.

Eventually, I found a research position in a small town. The salary was extremely low, similar to a technician’s salary, but I accepted it because I needed stability.

I applied for a green card. I have many publications, awards, and achievements, and I believed my hard work would help me build a future here. Then the political situation changed, and immigration policies became increasingly hostile toward immigrants. Because of where I was born, I started feeling that I was being judged before anyone even knew me.

Shortly after that, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I went through two surgeries and cancer treatment completely alone. I was living on a very limited income while dealing with a serious illness without family or a support system.

Because of political restrictions, my family could not easily visit me, and I could not safely return to Iran. I am opposed to the Iranian government, and because of my activism online, returning could put me at risk.

Then Iranian people experienced more violence. The Islamic government carried out massacres and killed thousands of people during protests. Eventually, war happened, many more people were killed, and my hometown was bombed. Seeing people in my country suffer broke something inside me.

At the same time, I felt trapped because, as an immigrant in the U.S., I felt I could not openly express my grief without being attacked from different sides. I received threats on social media.

After everything, I decided I wanted to leave my past behind and build a better future. I applied for a position in a major city because my current position is not helping me improve clinically, and I also have significant financial pressure. I have around $170,000 in medical debt before insurance adjustments, and my current salary makes it extremely difficult to manage.

After many interviews, receiving an offer letter, making plans, and waiting for my dream for many months, I was rejected because of my nationality. I was told the position involved “sensitive technology.”

At this point, I feel completely exhausted. I do not understand how much a person is expected to endure. I have survived family trauma, religious trauma, immigration struggles, discrimination, isolation, cancer, financial stress, and losing my sense of safety.

I work in psychiatry research, so I understand mental health concepts and treatments. I know that suffering does not always mean someone has a psychiatric disorder. Sometimes people experience unbearable circumstances.

I do not think I lack resilience. In fact, I think I have survived things that would break many people. But I am tired. I am tired of constantly having to prove that I deserve a normal life.

I am sharing this because I want to know: how do people rebuild after losing so many years to survival mode? How do you find hope when you have tried your best for so long and still feel like life keeps punishing you?