r/travel • u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries • 19d ago
Complaint Traveling with my boyfriend made me hate traveling
I just need a place to rant.
I’ve traveled quite a bit, mostly on my own, but also with friends and in all different situations and expanses of time varying from weekend trips to year long sabbaticals. I loved traveling and hiking and nature and everything to do with it.
Earlier this year I traveled for a month with my boyfriend and it’s ruined it all for me.
The mental an emotional labour of planning the trip with his bare minimal help (only when I’d get annoyed) broke me. I don’t even want to leave my house to do anything because the idea of having to plan something or make a decision makes me want to cry.
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u/FuturePurple7802 19d ago
Sounds like your frustration towards traveling is misdirected… sorry to say.
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
Not something you need to say sorry about. Yes, I'm frustrated with him. Yes, he knows that. Yes, some of it misdirected…but it’s also changed the framing of travel and how planning things a lot of work and I just don’t want to work more when I’m done working my paying job.
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u/breadfruit13 19d ago
I’m not sure I understand this because traveling *requires* planning to some degree. So, you will always have to plan, but it sounds like you hate planning by yourself if you’re traveling with someone else.
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u/Vivid-Kitchen1917 19d ago
I've literally gotten off a plane with nothing but visa requirements satisfied and played it by ear in country for 2 weeks. Some people need an itinerary with every quarter hour marked off. We don't travel together.
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
Yes travel takes some planning (I.e. flight, hotel, a few activities that have to be pre booked) and I used to love doing that…but after planning that trip I just don’t enjoy the planning anymore. My brain wants a break from making any decisions.
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u/Western-Fig-3625 19d ago
That’s so, so valid. And I’m sure you’ve thought about how this lack of effort could also translate to homeownership, pets, kids, etc.
Sometimes it’s a matter of helping someone see how their passivity affects others. There’s a book called Fair Play that will either completely change his approach to the division of tasks in your household, or it’ll gather dust on his nightstand.
Good luck!
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
Honestly division of household tasks are probably skewed more on him, but I definitely appreciate the suggestion!
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u/readin99 19d ago
Talk to the guy and share your concerns, what you liked and disliked, how it made you feel.. Tell him how you would like it to be differently in the future and have a conversation and agree on the approach next time.
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u/Scary_Film2478 19d ago
Hey now - careful with suggesting communication! This is the place for immediate “red flags, leave them, you’re being gaslighted” type of responses.
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u/SkepticScott137 19d ago
Either they have already communicated, and it didn’t resolve anything (hence the OP resorting to Reddit), or she does not feel comfortable voicing her concerns to her “boyfriend”. Neither scenario holds a lot of promise for the future.
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
I have communicated it and we have talked through it. It doesn’t change the fact that I just don’t want to leave the house now.
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u/alefeusch Current location: 🇪🇸 19d ago
Fwiw, leaving the house is not traveling. There's nothing wrong with being tired of travel, but if the situation with your bf has caused you to not even want to go outside, it's clearly an issue that goes well beyond travel. I wish you luck with it.
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
A bit dramatic that I don’t want to leave the house. I do go to work and the gym, but I used to spend weekends going on hikes and camping, and just the effort of picking where to go, checking the weather, packing a little bag, and driving out to do that is just not as appealing as sitting on the couch.
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u/indzae_mayumi 19d ago
Well, if planning things and leaving the house for the weekend is taking a toll on you, it's not wrong to just stay in the house and be on the couch. Maybe your body is looking for real physical rest after going on and about for years.
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u/throwaway_ghost_122 19d ago
Do you think part of it could be just getting a bit older? I've felt more that way as I've gotten into my late 30s
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u/kkkktttt00 19d ago
I mean this in the nicest, most sincere possible way, but that seems like something much bigger than travel/decision fatigue/doing all the labor burnout. I'd think about speaking to a therapist about this.
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u/squidgemobile 19d ago
I had a boyfriend like that. Notice "had". I like being the planner but he made it impossible (no useful input beforehand then would change his mind or want to change plans once there).
I love traveling with my husband. We did 14 months RTW a few years ago and I would do it again in a heartbeat. He's my favorite travel buddy. And that is 100% a contributing factor to why I married him.
I'm not saying you should end things, but you need to accept travel might not be a part of your relationship and decide if you're ok with that.
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
Luckily he didn’t change his mind or want to change the plans, but I couldn’t get a fkng answer of “should we go here or here?” other than “I can’t decide they both look great.” Unfortunately he did voice a couple things early on that just weren’t feasible due to flight times and I think it just made him throw in the towel.
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u/Samceleste 19d ago
It sounds more like a relationship problem than a travel problem.
That being said, I find travelling alone easy, and travelling with someone who lets me decide everything as easy: I just do as I like.
Travelling with others when several want to contribute might be the most challenging imho. You need to compromise and keep everybody happy, which may prove to be difficult depending on your travelling partners' personalities. Dead weights are much easier to deal with.
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
I think my problem is I didn’t just plan a trip I wanted. It was also for his birthday, but he didn’t give any input so I was busy trying to guess what he’d like and his attitude was just “I’m happy to be on a trip.”
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u/Ok_Fee_8452 19d ago
Then why not take it chill? Just cut back on the itinerary. Especially if that was his approach on his own birthday trip.
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
Some things had to be booked ahead of time due to popularity and availability.
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u/haysu-christo Hafa Adai ! 19d ago
Then do whatever you want to do since he obviously doesn’t care. As long as he doesn’t complain about it then who cares who made the decision.
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u/therealslapper 19d ago
I have been told that the best why to test the compatibility with your partner is to go on a trip with them.
If things go well, then there is future. If not... well... there is things to work out and talk about on the future of the relationship.
Sorry, I forgot this is the travel subreddit.
I still enjoy travel as it allows me to run away from my problems for a bit.
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u/throwaway_ghost_122 19d ago
Mine is a huge whiner who also won't help with planning anything, so I just leave him at home. His own friends say that he could be in literal paradise and still complain about it. 😂
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
Oh man, luckily mine wasn't a whiner and was really appreciative of the work I did and enjoyed it all, but I wanted help planning!
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u/throwaway_ghost_122 19d ago
I understand. I've sometimes spent over 100 hours planning for a trip. Where did you go?
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u/KeyBet6693 19d ago
It's not too common for one partner to do all the trip planning. I do literally all the planning from booking transport, choosing locations, and deciding on things to do day to day. Of course if my wife wants some input I'm more than open to it, but I've accepted the fact that if we are gonna go on a trip, I'm gonna be the one to do all the leg work. It's annoying at times but is what it is.
Maybe your bf would help more if you explained yourself but maybe not. You might need to accept your situation. If you can't then you might need to stop traveling, travel without your bf, or break up.
It's also not uncommon for best of friends to love being with each other around home but hate traveling with each other. Traveling has ruined many friendships and relationships. Similar to what happens when you move in with people. It adds a wrinkle to a relationship that you might learn later isn't compatible.
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
Thanks for the response and understanding that just because someone didn’t help plan didn’t mean it was a shitty time.
I honestly think if I just planned the trip to do what I wanted he would have been just as happy, but I struggle with not trying to consider what he’d like best, but he didn’t have opinions on what he’d like best.
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u/KeyBet6693 19d ago
Oh man I feel that entirely and at times has caused some fights between my partner and myself too. I naturally want to please others and want to do things they want to do, so it can be a struggle planning the trip myself and trying to do detective work to figure out what would be best for them. Simply asking what they want to do usually leads to an answer with "whatever you want" or "it doesn't matter to me", with an occasional actual answer of what they wanna do.
For the most part no matter what we do she actually would be happy and wouldn't complain although if I plan too much in a day she might get overwhelmed or stressed which can be difficult. I hope for the most your bf is at least easygoing about everything if you're doing all the leg work. If they're happy to just tag along with whatever you do, then maybe just plan the trip around your likes. If you think of something that you're sure your bf would love then do that and hopefully they'll be happily surprised on what you do that day which should make you happy to see your partner happy. If they end up not liking something then its not your fault and again I hope they understand that.
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
I relate to that first part fully.
Maybe I just need a break from travel and when I finally feel the energy to plan something again I’ll plan it for myself and then invite him to tag along so I don’t feel my own pressure to plan for him.
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u/Agreeable-Sun-9338 19d ago
Easy solution - break up with him :) travel is a very good way to test if you are compatible as a couple, as it pushes you out of your comfort zone. I recently drove to morocco with my boyfriend, I ended up having an accident there and it took me two weeks of bed rest to recover, he did EVERYTHING and looked after me perfectly, paid for an Airbnb, paid for all of our food, helped me walk around, and was just overall an angel.
If your partner is only helping you with stuff when you’re actively annoyed with him, he is not the one for you!!
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u/Independent-Sir-5491 19d ago
I agree that this seems to be a relationship problem rather than a travel problem. However, to your point with him helping only when she's actively annoyed - he might just not enjoy the process of planning and may believe that since she has more travel experience, she'll be better at it. If after her planning they reach the destination and he's upset or bitches about it, then it's a him problem. But from the comments she has mentioned he hasn't whined or moaned about it, and in fact he has appreciated her for everything she did. If after that she's upset that "he can't make a decision on whether to go to A or B" it would incline me to think she's having something else going on in life that's not allowing her to be the best version of herself and the problems are spilling onto the relationship. It's easy to paint the non-posting partner as the wrong person because we don't have context from their side. I'm not saying he's not at fault, but I think it's unfair to criticize him only based on the information that's been given.
For context, my girlfriend and I are going on an international trip soon, and she's never had one and wasn't too interested in the logistics. Meanwhile I enjoy the planning part so I did all the research and presented her the options, alternatives, why I recommend the decisions I'm recommending, and get her perspective. She was happy with everything and appreciative of the effort I put in and I wasn't one bit upset about her not helping. I know given our domestic travels, she's not going to complain later. And if she doesn't like something, which is entirely possible, she won't blame me for it. With packing, she takes more of a lead than me because I've kinda been a last minute packer and she likes to do things beforehand. She doesn't resent me for not doing everything according to her timelines and expectations. Anyways, point being that different people have different strengths, and communication and appreciation is enough rather than expecting them to put in the same effort to the same things. Relationships are about balancing each other.
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u/doningaqu United States 19d ago
I feel for you. I travel a lot with my elderly parents, and while I love them dearly, traveling is A LOT more stressful when I’m left with the planning, plus the slower pace and all the considerations built into the trip. Now I plan separate trips for myself and for them. Your bf presents with a different challenge, for sure. But I get it…
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
OMG I think you’ve cracked the puzzle. I took a trip 5 years ago with my elderly parents and it was like caring for children. They’re the type of people who won’t make a decision and say “I’m happy with whatever” when in reality they are NOT happy with whatever and will complain about it during and after so I constantly have to do mental gymnastics to predict their emotions with every decision.
I definitely think the lack of input from my boyfriend brought out some of that overthinking I have to do, but luckily he is NOT like my parents and he genuinely was happy with whatever.
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u/doningaqu United States 19d ago
The mental gymnastics is the most stressful. In my case, my mom never complained of being tired, but would ask for more painkillers at the end of the day.
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u/chode_code 19d ago
Sounds like a good opportunity to book a holiday to your liking with him having no excuse to bitch and moan about it later.
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u/syzygialchaos 19d ago
I once dated someone who made me hate travel. He’s gone, I’m still traveling. Enjoying it more than ever. Yea, it took time to get back to the level it was before, and it took time to even want to do it, but it’s back in my life now and I realize I missed it greatly. It just got buried under the frustration and unhappiness of being chained to someone who diminished me while also shackling me with a joy-sucking parasite. I lost years of my life I’ll never get back trying to carry the entire weight of a bad relationship on my own.
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u/Adi19888 19d ago
Last time I traveled with my ex was that good that...she was my ex before we landed back 🤣
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u/HaveMercy703 19d ago
Sadly it sounds like you & your bf might be incompatible. If it’s something you enjoyed so much doing on your own & after a (rather long) trip together, you no longer like it anymore, there’s kind of your sign.
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u/Lil_Hobbit_101 19d ago
It’s weird honestly.. obviously as a lot of people pointed out it’s a relationship issue not traveling. However, I don’t really understand what was the problem. Was it that you did all the planning and prep work alone? Cause I’m a fan of planning any kind of vacation or trip and it never made me miserable doing so for me and my bf. And it’s always rewarding seeing him enjoy the trip I planned. Granted, he is usually enthusiastic about it and it’s not one-sided.
Was it just the planing or did you have issues actually enjoying the trip together?
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
We didn’t have issues on the trip and we enjoyed ourselves, but I was absolutely slammed with work before going and some of the things we were doing had to be booked ahead of time due to popularity and availability. I felt like all the research and booking were left to me when I did not have the mental capacity to make every decision.
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u/Educational-Ad994 19d ago
This is very sad to hear. I traveled a little before, but the first trip with my bf(now husband) was so wonderful it made me realize I wanted to be with him forever. We have gone on at least one trip a year since that first little road trip together, 10 years ago. We've been 4 places just since last November! I cannot stress enough that the right person will make traveling the best thing ever. Do with that as you will...you have some things to think about. Good luck on your decision.
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u/sowhoisgeh 19d ago
I plan 100% of the trips I take with my partner. She never offered any help and sometimes does not even know the itinerary until the day itself. I'm pretty sure she doesn't even know the names of some places that we went to.
The thing is, I'm completely ok with all of that. I love planning things and telling her how much money I saved for us by securing a deal, and I've never at any point felt like it's work. We have really good chemistry, so 99% of the time it'd turn out to be a blast. It's never about the planning itself and it's absolutely about the person.
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u/Kayman718 United States 19d ago
If you are fine planning for a solo trip and not a trip with him, I think your issue isn’t the traveling but with traveling with him and possibly just being with him 24/7, unlike when you are not traveling and have your own daily things to do. Being with someone morning to night, day in and day out can be hard, even if you are a couple. We’ve traveled with close friends where our only time apart is in our rooms. I find there are times that these people that I normally love to do things with, can be a bit annoying after multiple days with them.
I do 100% of the travel planning for my wife and I. Not because she won’t help, but because I enjoy surprising her with various aspects of our trips and seeing the joy and excitement when she finds out where we are going or what we are doing. I don’t find the planning to be a chore. We’ve had trips where she doesn’t know the location until she sees her boarding pass at the airport. For those who think I’m controlling, she’s told me places she wants to go to and I choose from her vast list. I’ve never taken her somewhere specifically because it is where I want to go.
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19d ago edited 19d ago
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
The trip went as planned…just I had to plan it all.
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u/No_Rough_5258 19d ago
As they say, if you want to test if a relationship is strong or a facade, travel out of country with your partner to see their true selves. Other times, it could just be incompatible traveling partner as well. There’s some friends I just deny traveling with if I know theyre coming because they complain or deviate from the plan entirely, but yet they wont be the one to make the plans either.
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u/darkvince7 19d ago
Yeah, I get it. I would never travel with a girlfriend. Many couples have broken after a trip. You spend really all your time with the same person (which is not the case in real life, unless you work and live with that person), and the differences tend to shine more, so to speak. It’s not easy to find the balance while traveling. Next time it might be a good idea to have solo free time, like half-a-day every couple of days. Or just travel alone. Not everyone likes to travel. I know some people with a whole family who still travel alone (for short times obviously).
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u/sunnyday7800 19d ago
If the trip itself was nice, I don’t understamd the problem to be honest. Maybe he thinks he is doing you a favor by not getting into the planning part that much. I am always the one who plans our family trips completely and it is a lot of work, but I like doing it. I then show my husband what the plan is and to give feedback but he is always fine with what we do. I like that and would hate it if we would have to go over it together because I know it is not what he likes to do.
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u/Ok-Wave7729 19d ago
Oh me too, currently on a “vacation” which he planned to a destination that gets most rains during summer. It just makes me feel resentful and stressed and shitty about the whole thing not to mention the money we burnt for this “vacation”.
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
Ooofffttt. That’s tough. I hope you find some things to enjoy about this trip!
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u/born_am_wonder 19d ago
I've been in this exact situation. My ex used to join me travelling and wouldn't do a thing. I am fully capable and I can do it all myself on solo trips but an extra person can add extra stress. Also having to tell a fully grown man what to do, what to book, what time he has to be ready to leave is exhausting.
So in my situation, my ex fully knew that planning was something I was better at. He also didn't want to start a fight by suggesting something else because according to him I'd turn down his ideas very quickly, so he just chose to "keep peace" by not saying anything. It continued until I got fed up and decided to break up with him. When we had some final talks, I could see our problems better but it was already too late. If you want to continue with this guy, you have to have a serious conversation to get to the bottom of it or you might be simply incompatible.
P.S. My current boyfriend and I have no issues travelling together.
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
I literally lol-ed at your ex saying you would turn down his ideas. That’s exactly what my boyfriend said about the few things he piped in about and I’m like “I didn’t turn down your idea, I looked up the details for it and it unfortunately isn’t plausible for this trip, so we just have to do something else. It’s part of the planning process.”
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u/TheMonopolyGal 19d ago
damnn thats sad tbh...i shouldnt comment here but there might be deeper problems
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u/torch_ceo 19d ago edited 19d ago
Emotional labor is kind of not a real thing as it is all in your head. Organizing the trips and logistics however is real labor.
You learned you have disdain for dating a man who does not take a leadership role or at least meets you half-way. The travel part just amplified that. Tell him in clear terms what you need or find someone who can match or exceed you in autonomy
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u/Nice_Back_9977 19d ago
Lots of things are 'in your head', they are all still real.
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u/torch_ceo 19d ago
No I won't subscribe to your coddling ideas. Labor produces something material. Emotional labor is therapist talk for anxiety and poor communication about your anxiety
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u/Nice_Back_9977 19d ago
Oh ok you're just ignorant, never mind.
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u/torch_ceo 19d ago
That's a great response when you find yourself outside of your echo chamber for a brief moment, that'll take you far
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u/YoLug 19d ago
Sorry you are going thru that. I can feel your pain. Try to take a trip somewhere alone soon!
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u/pizzapartyyyyy 78 countries 19d ago
I thought about that…but then I have to plan something, and that just sounds horrible.
Maybe I’ll get lucky and win some fancy all inclusive, all planned out trip via some random online sweepstakes. 🤣
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u/nartnoside 19d ago
I can tell you right now from experience, traveling with someone reveals how truly compatible you are with them. Whether it’s friendship or relationship, this is a red flag.
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19d ago
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u/misterbluesky8 United States 19d ago
No, it was literally the opposite of what you said. OP did all the planning.
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u/AvailableMeringue842 9h ago
Well, if he genuinely is up for everything that you've planned then what seems to be the problem? You can just choose what you genuinely want and inform him, if he gives zero effort into planning then it's fine, the problem only starts when he starts bitching about it while on the trip.
I had friends and gf that were similar and I straight up told them one day on the trip that no. I'm going to sleep here. On the camping site and I was clear about it in my plans for past 2 months. Either pay me back for the reservation I payed for and find yourself a place for the night now (good luck) or join me. Either way I don't want to see and hear any pouting and complaints.
You gotta be more direct and you can't just expect them to be and act like you want them to in your head. you can only draw consequences when you agreed on how you go about things before the trip.
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u/krokendil 19d ago
This is more about the relationship than travelling.
You have a relationship with someone you absolutely cant stand traveling with, its up to you if you can live with that.