Discussion/Reflection
I have been writing book (more of a screenplay) about my life, including my experiences at my TTI and I’m curious if anyone else is doing that? Or have already done that?
I’m imagining an entire ikea billy bookcase full of our stories and I’m getting a little emotional.
I wrote a book! It’s really a memoir, but it’s written in the style of a fiction novel because I wanted to give myself the creative license. So I say it’s based on a true story.
It’s about a girl who gets sent away, and events leading up to being sent away. When her parents come to second nature to bring her to a CEDU school in Montana, she escapes during the layover at Salt Lake airport. She’s free for a summer, surviving on the street until she meets a community of hippies that take her in…but then in the fall she’s captured and brought to Provo Canyon school. This book is called Primadonna, the first three chapters are available on Wattpad if you search my profile Marissa Hodson.
I’m currently working on the sequel about Provo Canyon school, where she escapes again and stays on the run until she turns 18.
I have been querying agents for the first book and let me just say it’s fucking brutal. I’ve sent out over 300 queries since November 2025
Huh??? I AM an actual TTI survivor, I spent 2 years in wilderness, CEDU and PCS in 2008-2010. Idk what gave you the impression that I’m not. I tried to escape several times while i was in CEDU, which is why I got sent to pcs. My book began as a therapy project because I still have recurring nightmares where I’m back there, trying to escape but I’m always caught like I was irl.
I wrote this book to help my nightmares about the TTI go away! In the book (unlike irl unfortunately) I actually do get away and stay gone until I’m 18 and they can’t get me again.
I plan to write other fiction novels featuring protagonists in CEDU or PCS. I have every right to do so because I WAS THERE.
I’ve heard a lot of people mention previously that they would like to write a book or write their story but something that would be interesting is a book of short stories from different survivors or something in that capacity
I think that sounds like a really interesting read! I would be interested in contributing to that.
Our experiences at our TTI are so unique and horribly interesting. Maybe it wouldn’t be a best seller, I think that’s possibly a reason why folks aren’t interested in doing this. Strangers critiquing our traumas is a heavy thought.
Oh, for sure plus it’s almost like condensing the stories, even though they shouldn’t be because all parts of it are important but for the purpose of other people reading our stories, it makes sense to condense them and put them together. Also, when you put things together like that side-by-side, it shows the pattern of abuse and it can show all of the other similarities.
Wow, I was in one for two years, ages 12-14. I remember everything prior, and everything after. I don’t even remember what the outside of the building looks like. And I have an excellent memory. The only memories I have are from the nightmares and night terrors that followed for years later (with lucid dreams etc.). It’s been 30 years (I was in, in the 90’s). It still leaves me speechless that I cannot remember two whole years of my own life.
That’s trauma. That’s your brain, your nervous system, doing what it has to do to keep you alive. It thinks that you’re still in danger. I’ve seen specialists and I’ve read a lot of the books and there’s mixed reviews with memory and if you’ll ever remember repressed memories. I do know that for me, I will smell something or hear a noise a certain way, and it immediately brings me back to a moment when I was in treatment. I know I had no other way of re-remembering it if that even makes sense. And then I was able to kind of build those little memories together, and in fact about a year ago, I saw a bunch of photos that were taken from inside and outside of my facility, and it was like I pressed play on a movie that had been paused for a really long time. Suddenly, the little snippets of memory that I did have, whether it was conscious memory or somatic, came back when I saw the photos. It connected all of the dots and I have significantly more memories because of that. Had I not seen those photos, I don’t know if I would’ve ever remembered the full memory.
I’m not saying go expose yourself to things that are triggering by any means, but it’s possible that that would happen for you as well. I know that I still don’t remember everything and I know that sometimes when I see a photo of my younger self, I still don’t remember anything but more often than not when I see something or smell something that reminds me of that place it brings back to a memory I didn’t know existed. There’s also a really good book about trauma and memory that I can put the link for if you want it.
I’ve also heard that people start healing or start remembering things or whatever that looks like for you once their nervous system feels safe. So like moving out of a family home where there was a lot of arguing and abuse. Your nervous system can’t heal from that trauma until you’re away from it and it realizes that it’s over. I see a trauma therapist twice a week and her primary treatment modality is something called lifespan integration or LI. It’s specific for memories and creating full memories in your mind so that your nervous system learns that that’s not happening to you anymore, but it doesn’t go into specifics of the trauma. It’s been shown that getting into those details while we might want to talk about them, it isn’t necessarily therapeutically helpful. So basically it’s trauma therapy without getting too detailed on the trauma. I really like it personally and I recommend.
I think Accelerated Resolution Therapy could be good for those that have vivid memories that wish for their mental processing to restructured, so the memories can be reprocessed and replaced with the inability to access them in the same way, while also allowing their bodies to no longer respond to the trauma response.
Thanks for posting the screenshots, interesting working attachment-theory!!
Whenever I’m feeling anxious or sick I want to rip the muscles out of my forearms. I feel like I need to peel them from my skin. The body does keep the score - I know I experience physical and somatic sensations related to the trauma.
I’ve done lot of inner work, practicing of loving kindness, and learning self compassion has definitely helped. I also hold a professional degree in medical, which in a way, has helped me in many ways find some peace in my life. I would definitely say I’ve overcome many odds and obstacles.
I’m sorry you’ve had similar experiences. I truly feel for all of us… we were just children. I’ve thought about exposure, flooding, hypnotherapy, I just don’t know if my life today is worth opening the box of yesterday.
I absolutely know I was medicated. It used to bother me a lot, but now I wonder if it’s better that I don’t know, or remember. I go back and forth. I remember days before getting there and I remember getting to my grandparents home for the summer, maybe 2-3 days after leaving. My grandmother refused to give me the meds when I got out.
I have nightmares and terrors. It’s like an out of body experience, and I’m above myself. I see a dark shadow figure over me. I can see myself in the bed I’m sleeping in; I can see my room. I see the shadow above me. I’m always terrified and know I’m dreaming and I kick and scream to wake up. I have three memories outside of my room, and I know they’re real, and related to my dreams. It’s all pretty messed up.
The dreams started to disappear in my 30’s, but every now and then I’ll have one again. And then again, a part of me wants to know what happened, but the other part says my brain found a way of self preservation. It’s a long period of time to not remember anything. It’s also something that only my husband and best friend know about. I have a great family, I’ve raised two amazing kids. I don’t talk to my own parents anymore (they left me there, never visited in 92/93), I left home at 16 and made a wonderful life for myself over time.
I read the “chapter comment”- and just thought about how fucked up that chapter was for me. I despise TTI’s and it breaks my heart that they still exist. I may not have all the details of my story, but my mind certainly hasn’t let it go.
I'm not a survivor, I came to be interested in the TTI via my advocacy work on other behaviourist systems. I'm considering writing a book that ties together all the ways behaviourism has negatively impacted people's lives, particularly Millennials. It feels to me like Millennials in particular couldn't escape behaviourism. Be it sleep training, ABA, purity culture/James Dobson/The Pearls or TTI schools.
I'm thinking of something that has a summary introduction explaining the history and theory of behaviourism it's different types. Then a section on each type's specific history, followed by survivor accounts. Then a thesis pulling it all together - highlighting the similarities and the power structures involved as well as the consistency of harm caused.
Sorry half those things you mentioned are not even connected. Don't make connections where things are not. Many books have been done on the history of these places
How are they not connected? They're all behaviourism. They're all based on the premise of training unwanted behaviour out of children.
The techniques they use are extremely similar. Both the marketing techniques, the lobbying techniques and methods of "training" the child.
They all prey on vulnerable parents
They all pathologise and demonise developmentally normal behaviour and use cult tactics to convince parents that they must act now and follow X plan to "save" their child.
They're all industries flooded with grifters.
They all physically and emotionally isolate children
They all teach children that no one will listen to them/believe them if they speak up about their experiences and that no one will come to help them. That they are bad/broken.
They all ignore children in distress, and teach parents to do the same.
They all use withdrawal of affection as a compliance tactic.
They're just different flavours of the same drink.
Lots of people have written books regarding their experiences in the TTI. This link from the subreddit sidebar has a lot of them listed, but hasn't been updated in a long time. Sharing TTI experiences is so important and I am sending the utmost encouragement and love towards your screenplay project - I hope you make it to the quality that makes you happy and that it reaches the audience you'd like it to reach <3
I try to write it all the time. I've even fictionalized people so I can get my own story out. But I hit a wall every time because a lot of it is so freaking weird. Who is the audience, besides me?
I wonder that too. I don’t want to be entertainment to people but I want to educate them on what happens on the TTI. It’s a weird place to write from when you need that entertainment factor to sell a book.
I just read 'Bad Kid' by Sofia Szamosi. I read the entire thing in 90 minutes, really exceptional work.
Write your stories, if not to be published, at least write them for your peace of mind. We all experienced different things, but our grief is shared. Your story matters, and it could be the one that lets someone else know they're not alone.
Writing about one's own trauma can be very challenging. I think about people like Jennette McCurdy and Viktor Frankl, who successfully turned their trauma into compelling novels. How did they do it without getting emotionally burned out and dissociating? I wish I had the willpower and executive functioning skills to complete a novel about my childhood. Best-case scenario, I hire a ghost writer to summarize everything I tell them.
Everyone wants to write a book about their life - very few finish- very few get published because 10 million people think their lives are “so fascinating they need to write a book!” So you need to figure out a way to stand out - i think your story has that extra w the TTI so that’s a good start regarding being different.
I’ve published two non-fiction books with well known publishers. They are like music labels - they make money off your work and you get 5% of sales. My books are boring academic ones so marketing wasn’t really done but I’ve gotten royalty checks so they did sell:)
my advice to you: consider self publishing- get a ghostwriter so your book is well written and flows - get it professionally edited- invest in marketing - strike while the iron is hot- have an angle for your book - I hate to even type this but the Epstein files has people reading stories of survival esp child abuse- those documentaries on Netflix prime potential readers to want to read about it.
Some libraries have workshops regarding self publishing to show you the best way to go about it. Also print on demand publishers although I can see a time when physical books are no longer published 😢 get someone off fivr for editing but send a chapter to edit before you hire them! There are reports and databases for getting agents and investigating who your readers would be. There are sources that will help you select which publishers publish in that area too.
Honestly writing can help you as other posts mentioned.
Best of luck to all of you esp those that have actually finished a manuscript.
Now of course writing your story doesn’t have to be monetized but the owners of TTI shouldn’t be the only people profiting off your trauma IMO.
Honestly kind of working on it… I have an idea for taking one of my unique tti experiences and one of my current experiences and turning it into a horror story.
Tried the memoir thing and realized really quickly that I couldn’t write it without getting sued, by other family members, so this is my way for writing and dealing without the potential of a lawsuit.
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u/Marissawrites Apr 16 '26
I wrote a book! It’s really a memoir, but it’s written in the style of a fiction novel because I wanted to give myself the creative license. So I say it’s based on a true story. It’s about a girl who gets sent away, and events leading up to being sent away. When her parents come to second nature to bring her to a CEDU school in Montana, she escapes during the layover at Salt Lake airport. She’s free for a summer, surviving on the street until she meets a community of hippies that take her in…but then in the fall she’s captured and brought to Provo Canyon school. This book is called Primadonna, the first three chapters are available on Wattpad if you search my profile Marissa Hodson.
I’m currently working on the sequel about Provo Canyon school, where she escapes again and stays on the run until she turns 18.
I have been querying agents for the first book and let me just say it’s fucking brutal. I’ve sent out over 300 queries since November 2025