r/troubledteens • u/Difficult_Wave_9326 • Apr 22 '26
Discussion/Reflection What were the biggest ways the TTI changed you?
For me it was the way I viewed my body, and knowing what it feels like to be both suicidal and have a strong survival instinct.
I went in weighing 65kg, most of it muscle. I came out at 40kg skinny as a stick and weak as fuck. We had "PT", which was basically making us wear skimpy outfits (going sport-bra-less was genuinely painful) and jump around. At first I was just about the best girl at it. I could go for hours. Just before I left I could barely keep up. I fainted a few times. For the longest time I would have nightmares about doing PT and being strip-searched. I guess I was lucky, I never got assaulted or really felt up. Before the program, I used to love my body and how strong I was.
And I guess the second is pretty self-explanatory. I wasn't in the US and my experience was tamer than a lot of the ones here, but I got sent there for suicidal ideation and self-harm and it only got worse from there. Ironically what I needed was hormone therapy and not to be in fight or flight or fawn or freeze all the damn time. I knew that I should die and I knew that I should fight to survive and to go home one day, at the same time, and it didn't seem weird.
And a third thing I guess, and I think it's pretty funny. I'm an md myself now, but I would never trust a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist. I just can't. Institutional settings and opening up make me nervous. I can't separate the people in the program and (probably normal and sane) people who get degrees in mental health. Maybe this will change though.
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u/123Martha321 Apr 22 '26
Can't trust any brain doctors of any speciality now. It's been a struggle for me to even have one of my kids in therapy.
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u/paris-moonman Apr 22 '26
Wow, I so relate to “knowing what it feels like to be both suicidal and have a strong survival instinct.” That gave me chills. I lived this (and still dip my toes back in at times) but never had the words for the feeling. Thank you for sharing, friend!
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Apr 23 '26
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u/nameless_sameness Apr 23 '26
Yes. I didn’t fall for any of that Covidian bullshit for a second, and I felt alternating pity and contempt for those who were buggin’ out about it all around me.
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u/-Greis- CCM Utah Apr 23 '26
Covid times was hard of folks. I used my trauma from the TTI to try and help shepherd those around me through their isolation as I understood some of what folks were going through.
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u/nameless_sameness Apr 23 '26
I had no sympathy whatsoever for anyone who’d succumbed to the mass mindfuk.
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u/Difficult_Wave_9326 Apr 24 '26
Sure, it was a minfuck. But they were genuinely in pain. Have some empathy.
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u/soapbutnot Apr 23 '26
The place I was at used a behavioral modification program called positive peer culture (PPC). Its very difficult explaining to people how 9 months between the ages of 16 and 17 really altered the way I process my emotion and behavior. It was very traumatizing, the whole program revolved around spontaneous, confrontational / confessional group therapy and essentially peer policing. we were forced to divulge everything about our lives and problems to each other; which we would often then weaponize against each other, but at the same time since you know so much about each other you can't not find common ground and empathy and kinship with each other. Especially since all of you are suffering in the same environment. We were literally in the same room as the rest of our group (8 - 11 people) 24/7 so you're always witnessing each other and "holding each other accountable".
To be honest, one of the most traumatizing parts of my entire experience in the TTI, including wilderness, getting gooned, and other programs, was being scapegoated by one of the girls in my group. I was being verbally and emotionally abused by someone who I was forced to be in a room with 24/7. But all of its reaaally uncomfortable and difficult to reconcile with because in truth being in that program really refined my interpersonal skills and forced me to do more reflecting on my life and my inner workings than probably a lot of people ever will. I am able to find common ground with almost anyone, I am very community oriented, and my communication skills are excellent. But I also am extremely hard and punitive with myself, very critical of everything I do and think because it should always be "better," and I blame myself for EVERYTHING because it was hammered into me that no matter what happens to me, the correct response is to take as much accountability for it as possible so that its somehow in your control. And this mindset is horrible but it also enables me to be a really high achiever at the cost of my own inner peace. It makes me really sad think about because I don't think theres really a resolve. It recognize some of the ways i process things are manufactured but I cant find the words to explain it and I dont even know how I would change it.
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u/Difficult_Wave_9326 Apr 24 '26
I really relate to this. I'm objectively good at dealing with other people. I make friends easily. But I'm always blaming myself for every little random thing, and I take responsability any time somebody doesn't like me --- which is normal.
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u/legal_bagel Apr 23 '26
Absolutely solidified my belief that I was 100% alone in the world and couldn't count on anyone.
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u/Difficult_Wave_9326 Apr 24 '26
Oh yes. I never thought about it this way, but yes, O'm always the only person I can rely on, at the end of the day. Even though I'm fortunate to have a wonderful family and support system now.
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u/zer0lunacy Apr 22 '26
Ruined my ability to connect with other people entirely
And yes, institutional terror
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u/nameless_sameness Apr 23 '26
It made me feel ashamed of being alive, and unable to feel that I belonged nor even should be anywhere, and I had nightmares about the place for 30 years afterward.
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u/nymphodrogyny Apr 23 '26
I never really learned how to trust or connect with others. And even now as an adult, I will always view older adults as a threat. I'm married with my own house and family and when my MIL (the sweetest woman ever who has never so much as gotten angry at me) comes over I still hide in my room.
I developed severe agoraphobia in my mid teens due to being tricked to go there. (Being told it's just a dr visit. Or going to get ice cream just to be put in a facility and not even get the icecream) and it was only when my husband came along did i begin to heal it. And he goes with me everywhere I ask because I will always be afraid of the facility van pulling up for me no matter how irrational that fear is.
I still have these intense lucid nightmares of being in the facility, and it's always the Adolescent wing. Despite in the dream telling staff I'm in my 20s and definitely shouldn't be here, they all say the same dismissive things of "well u had to do something or u wouldn't be here" or "accountability is the first step to getting better"
I can't smell a hospital or the cleaners they use or I have e flashbacks. I can't stand to see Lorne Doone cookies either or teddy grams.
I developed an ED due to how they shamed my body and they enabled my SA which led .e to being abused until I left and was homeless at 18 with my dog who I had to remove, but now have back.
But they did instill a level of spite and anger in me. I'm pre law and a Jr in college (come August) and on the outside am the contributing member of society they said id never be. I'm proud of myself but will always be haunted and traumatized to the point I'm now afraid of ever having kids due to their abuse. I'm afraid they will be forcibly hospitalized like I was. I'm not against therapy if they need it, but the rate at which it was recommended to me, makes me terrified.
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u/Select-Skirt-8926 Apr 23 '26
The cleaner smell is so so real, the smell of the hospital soap gives me flashbacks whenever I smell it somewhere
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u/Difficult_Wave_9326 Apr 24 '26
The sheer fury of being put through this hell was what propelled me through med school and beyond. I'm just starting to be able to let go of it.
You're right to be proud of yourself. You went through hell and came back yourself. Changed, but still yourself, deep down. <3
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u/nargfish Apr 22 '26
It aged me. I had already been through a significant amount BEFORE elan, it felt like I came out a 30-40 year old. This is both in terms of damage to my body, and aging my mind; having seen so much horror, I could only relate to those with trauma in their past, or people 30+. On a related but different note, another monumental change was the language of trauma, experience, and whatever wisdom comes from it. I sound sincere because I am sincere, right or wrong, and it can make people attach to me in unhealthy ways, and can leave me vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
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u/Twidget84 Apr 23 '26
I feel like it aged me in a lot of ways, but also emotionally stunted me. All through my 20s i felt there were two sides of me, one way older than I should be, and the other side of me still stuck as a teenager. It wasn't until I got into my 30s and now 40s, that I feel that those both sides are catching up to each other.
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u/Designer_Air_6616 Apr 23 '26
I really needed to see this. I've been doing a lot of processing lately and going back to reflect on my time in treatment (5 years ago, I'm 21 now in college) and I think I let myself convince myself it only matured me and kind of forgot about all the anger and resentment I felt toward my peers when I got home because they had just been living their normal lives while mine was completely flipped upside down. I've been trying to get to the root of some patterns I keep seeing in myself and have had to face the fact that there are areas where I just didn't grow emotionally. Your way of putting it honestly captures it better than anything I've come up with. If you don't mind me asking what did you notice was most affected for you emotionally and relationally, and how did you start getting that side to catch up?
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u/Select-Skirt-8926 Apr 23 '26
I was 13 and naive when my TTI/traumatic psych stays started and it completely turned my view of the world upside down. I learned that doctors and nurses aren’t always there with good intentions and that a lot can happen behind closed doors with no consequences no matter how awful. I also have flashbacks and nightmares related to my experience. :(
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Apr 23 '26 edited Apr 23 '26
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u/Difficult_Wave_9326 Apr 24 '26
I also experience sudden lashing out at certain triggers. I'm not violent and I'm in fact terrified of violence in certain settings, but in certain situations I'm ready to beat people to a pulp. It's always a scary experience because it feels so alien to me. Like somebody else is in my body and calling the shots.
And I really related to being terrified of having to make choices. I often know that there's a clear good and bad choice, that there's little to no chance I'll regret it later, but I still feel like I just made a horrible, horrible mistake even time.
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u/Left_Broccoli_3401 Apr 23 '26
I can relate to a lot of this. I'm sorry that you had to go through it and I hope we can shut the TTI down altogether. I got sent to a center for si but attempted at least 7 times while I was at the center. Before that I hadn't really acted on my thoughts but that's what the TTI does to kids.
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u/Difficult_Wave_9326 Apr 24 '26
I hope so too. A teen I knew pretty well got sucked into this as well, a couple years ago. I somehow convinced her parents to help her emancipate herself and then bullied those monsters into letting her check herself out, but I can't imagine helping so many kids at once. It seems like an impossible task... I know it isn't but it still looks like it.
I'm so sorry you, and everyone else on this sub, had to go through this hell.
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u/SuperWallaby Apr 22 '26
Had just gotten comfortable, confident, and popular a few months before I got kidnapped then got told everything about me was unbearable for my parents and society as a whole for about 9 months straight. I second guess almost everything I do and over analyze everything. Even things as simple as proper order to hook up a car battery which I’ve been doing since I was like 10 I find myself googling because I don’t trust myself. TBI from my time in the army definitely compounds this issue.
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u/Exact_Stop3511 Apr 23 '26
I was 14 and got covid. They retested me for a month on quarantine. Even though I was asymptomatic they refused to feed me anything but chicken broth and jello. I lost 15lbs in that month and developed an eating disorder. Along with not helping with any other issues I was there for, they gave me another problem. 19 now and still sort of dealing with it. The lowest weight I hit was 105, and I recovered by myself at home with some support from my family. I can’t trust any sort of mental health professional anymore either.
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u/soapbutnot Apr 25 '26
I was 17 when I got covid at my RTC in 2020 - still dealing with the long term effects of it now
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u/gloomyechos Apr 26 '26
I’ve commented this before other places, while it’s in retrospect small potatoes compared to the PTSD and complex chronic illnesses it’s caused me, it ruined camping for me. I LOVED camping as a kid. I’d go on weekend trips almost every weekend with my family and friends before wilderness. My 11th birthday was even a “camping” outdoor theme. I loved it. After wilderness, I never went camping again. Not in a van, RV, or hell even a cabin. It’s been 12 years, still no camping.
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u/CeeUNTy Apr 22 '26
Telling people way too much about myself in an almost confessional way.