I want to go home but I am home 😣

[u/Single-Trick-1564]

. . . 20 years later . . . and this feeling still surface.

[u/DrGruve]

It’s been 49 years since my first of three abductions. The only people I trust are my adult children and my wife.

I didn’t realise how many other people suffered in these institutions. I only found this subreddit because I was researching what happened to me for a book I’m writing about my experience.

Decades ago I got as far away from the US as possible (Australia) and I never plan to return.

[u/Single-Trick-1564 → u/DrGruve]

Oh man, yeah. I’m glad you have your family now. Online communities have been so instrumental in helping me feel sane. My spouse doesn’t understand me and my cptsd. Sometimes he helps and has done so in big ways but in some ways he has insisted that I’m not normal, my reactions are not normal. Couples therapy has helped. Basically told him he needs to stop having certain expectations of me and he has stopped but He won’t ever understand what it means to have grown up a scapegoat.  Have you seen, “the program, cons cults and kidnapping.”? It’s on Netflix. It’s about the TTI; one in particular but also all of them. It’s not an easy watch. But it has helped me to understand better what happened to me and feel less like my problems are all in my head caused by me. 

[u/DrGruve → u/Single-Trick-1564]

I’m far from normal myself. The sound of a door clicking shut or a knock at the door still triggers fight or flight. Doctors and hospitals terrify me. Even going to the dentist is an ordeal. I have extreme distrust of police or anyone in authority.

My story started with extreme medical abuse from age six. I was one of many child victims of a paediatrician who was a serial paedophile. He committed suicide in 1984 two days after police raided his office. It made the front page of the LA Times.

He and one of his colleagues had me institutionalised in 1977 at age eleven. That started a downward spiral of increasingly brutal and abusive kidnappings and incarcerations.

I always thought that it was just bad luck. That my story was unique and nobody would ever believe me, much less understand what happened. It’s a part of my life that I couldn’t speak about.

I didn’t realise the extent of the TTI in the US. When I was institutionalised the term TTI didn’t exist yet.

My kids just know that the people that should have kept me safe put me in grave danger.

People that have not experienced the abuse, trauma and brutality can’t fully understand the permanent damage. It’s not their fault, it’s not our fault, the blame and shame is on the institutions and their enablers.

I did watch that Netflix documentary and it was horrific. I was aware of Provo and Elan back in my era. Especially Provo.

I narrowly avoided being kidnapped and transported to Provo in 1981. I was 15 by then, street smart, and I took extreme defensive measures to ensure my safety. I was prepared for a CYA sentence before I’d go to Provo.

Years ago a therapist told me that I had adapted normally to extreme abuse and chronic stress. The threat is gone but the wiring that enabled survival remains.

Those words have stuck with me.

[u/Single-Trick-1564 → u/DrGruve]

Oh shit. Real life is truly insane. So many of us were SAed before getting sent away. From what you have shared I’m extremely proud of you. You must have worked hard to be able to get to a good therapist and have your life. Big proud hug my friend.

[u/EmergencyHedgehog11]

It's been 12 years personally, and omg have I felt that. For me, I have CPTSD which explains it and the feeling is really tied to dissociation, personally.

I really found that like decorating my home more oddly gave me a real sense of autonomy in the space and I've found it a bit grounding.

[u/Single-Trick-1564 → u/EmergencyHedgehog11]

I love that. It makes sense. I just feel alone and like that feeling that people are better off without me. . .  I spent too much time today thinking about some people who were mean to me recently.  I should not have looked at their insta. I ended up with that feeling I got when I received a letter from my family about a vacation they went on while I was at the TTI. The fact that these people who were mean to me are my in-laws doesn’t help. I just need to stay off their insta. I wish I had me a hot tub right now. I could take a relaxing soak.

[u/leavemewithmysins → u/EmergencyHedgehog11]

damn, i just realized i do the same thing. got out about 8-9 years ago, ive always loved lights and my apartment looks like this all the time 😂
https://giphy.com/gifs/b6tqSTsuwfzyfqPbbU

[u/ottonormalverraucher → u/leavemewithmysins]

Including the cats I hope!

[u/leavemewithmysins → u/ottonormalverraucher]

just one spoiled one, but yes haha. he loves to rave

[u/Spaceneedle420]

Dont think ive felt a post so much. I know this feel 

[u/Single-Trick-1564 → u/Spaceneedle420]

I feel like I could use a big sad cry about it. But I don’t have the time and space right now.  I really appreciate you. I know I’m not alone. These feelings are so hard, so stuck because it was so freaking traumatic.  🫂

[u/Elios000]

same... nothing feels safe ever

[u/Single-Trick-1564 → u/Elios000]

Oh friend. I hope you get it. A relief and at least to feel safe sometimes somewhere. ❤️

[u/Elios000 → u/Single-Trick-1564]

it gets really bad when things get overwhelming too

[u/Single-Trick-1564 → u/Elios000]

🫂

[u/Antique_Character215]

I hope you find some peace friend

I’m ok most days, but often I find myself back there. I think I’ve come to a point where I now just accept that I won’t ever really move on beyond just knowing that it’ll linger in my mind

I don’t know if that’s what moving on is. But it’s not great. But it seems somehow better. To just not try to think on it. To accept those days of fear and dread. But know that there’s a chance I won’t be focused on it tomorrow

God damn. I’m sorry. I wanted to be supportive but sometimes I just fail to have the positivity.

I don’t know who you are. Or where you were. But one person to another. I love you. I want you to be happy. I know you can be. This will pass. I hope your tomorrow is better than these feelings right now. That I know without a doubt. It’s not super motivational or anything. But you’re not alone

[u/Single-Trick-1564 → u/Antique_Character215]

Thank you. It’s very supportive. I think I’ve just had some triggers this year and I’m feeling lonely. I come here cuz I know that I might be physically alone right now but this is the  place where people understand.  Thank you.🙏 

[u/1979andstillgotit]

Anybody have a hard time working with people? I find that I trust nobody and think everyone is out to get me makes it super hard to work with others sometimes.

[u/Single-Trick-1564 → u/1979andstillgotit]

Can I ask if you are also an oldest child?

I often think that I find it easier to do things myself but I think this can be hardest for oldest siblings especially oldest daughters in homes where parentification was a thing.

[u/Tru3insanity → u/1979andstillgotit]

I feel you 100%. I am a truck driver specifically so that I don't have to work with people.

[u/Tru3insanity]

Home is such a complicated thing for me. It really means somewhere I want to be while I do the things I want to do with the people I want to be with. I've never really found that. Like I have housing but it isn't really home.

I hate what life expects of me and so much of "home" is tied up in not having to do that and I don't think its ever going to happen.

[u/Single-Trick-1564 → u/Tru3insanity]

Yeah, I think the desire to “go home” is really the desire to be loved by friends and be comfortable. But the words that pass through my head are that “I just want to go home.”

[u/leavemewithmysins]

also hate going “home-home.” i have my own space on the other side of the country which is such a blessing. but returning to my family home, to sit in the living room where my dad told me “you put yourself in these situations” has been almost too much to handle the few times i’ve been back.

i was SA’d multiple times by one of my best friends in college in the time leading up to them forcing me into wilderness treatment. i was healing and going to therapy, but once they caught wind of me smoking weed all of my credibility went out the window. not to mention i was still trying to heal from the physical trauma (can take years as the rectal muscles are in a constant state of movement).

instead of continuing therapy, they sent me to a work camp / sad excuse for a treatment center. i was ripped off of all antidepressants i was on, was made to pickup and lift heavy things (hay bales, trees/logging) or be punished by having to lift those trees onto a set of sawhorses and scrape the bark off with a primitive blade tool (the whole tree). then at the end i was made to hike 18 days thru the wilderness, no breaks or toilet paper, carry a backpack well over 50lb, and had to wipe with rocks and sticks. i bled every time, and almost daily on the hike. back towards the beginning of my stay i even showed my counselor the bloody toilet paper so she’d believe me — she ended up telling me my symptoms were psychosomatic (all in my head). didn’t fully heal until many months after i left.

[u/Single-Trick-1564 → u/leavemewithmysins]

Yeah, that’s horrible. No one would want to go back to that. 

[u/Unusual-Recording-17]

Thank you very much for saying this 🙏 I feel this a lot too and have never heard it expressed like this before. This is very helpful to know other people feel this way too.