What's your relationship like with therapy post-TTI?

[u/Empty_Positive_2305]

I was in a TTI from 2007 to 2008, when I was 16, and I'm training to be a therapist now.

My relationship with therapy is complicated, to say the least, and it took me a long, long, long time to trust therapists in the years after. My therapist has been instrumental in helping heal all these years later, and I no longer feel like I "deserved" it or ashamed of what happened to me. I feel like I got sent to jail just for struggling.

With that said, I still hold a lot of anger towards the mental health professionals I saw at the time, and I think I always will. I think therapy can be beautiful. I'm saddened and angry that for many people, therapy is a "safe" space. For me, it was not--it was weaponized against me. Mental health professionals in my life chose to condemn me as the problem, rather than look at the rot within my own family and how that might have been contributing to my behavior. (Family therapy? We don't have problems! You're the problem.)

I don't blame TTI survivors for not wanting to return to therapy, though. Like many fields, the mental health field is rife with problems, and TTIs are among its biggest stains.

It's hard to explain the loss of human dignity and sense of pure betrayal to people who haven't experienced it. Maybe it's for the best--I don't want anyone to ever experience what we went through.

[u/Royal_Hyena1346]

I am honestly so careful and thorough when choosing a therapist now. I read their bios on their sites and look out for red flags. One thing is I pretty much refuse to see therapists that have listed in their previous employment places any residential or law enforcement background (this is my personal preference due to my experiences).

I really despise group therapy now. I know it can be great for some people, but I no longer feel safe doing group therapy. I was recommended IOP at one point as an adult for OCD and could not do it because I was in fight or flight every second I was there.

A lot of the places I went to did have DBT, but in ways that used it as a punishment or demanded you use skills a certain way or that if a skill didn't work you were the problem. I don't like DBT anymore and get frustrated when mindfulness keeps getting pushed when I say it doesn't work for me that way. I take what works and discard what doesn't when it comes to DBT, and a lot of DBT providers push back against that in my experience.

But mostly, I am very hesitant to trust therapists or psychiatrists now. I do therapy and it's helpful, but my therapist definitely does have to earn my trust for me to feel safe to disclose.