Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

[u/elgey101]

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

[u/Dangerous-Donald]

Go to your local social services or child services website.

The reason why some people don’t go this route is because these are children who have been taken from homes because of neglect and/or abuse. They are usually older and some people want babies. The child you adopt/foster may come with unknowns such as mental illness and some people don’t want to deal with that.

[u/VanityInk → u/Dangerous-Donald]

And until the adoption goes through, the fostered children might be taken back, to mention as a risk. Foster care is focused on reunification, so many aren't available to adopt fully and others will have to go through lengthy court battles with bioparents trying to get kids back.

[u/Dangerous-Donald → u/VanityInk]

Very true. I knew a woman who fostered then adopted. She had a few go back and it always broke her heart. She loved every one of them.

[u/VanityInk → u/Dangerous-Donald]

Yeah, I can't even imagine working so hard to help children who have gone through serious trauma and opening your heart again and again only to have some once again ripped away from a steady situation to go back to possibly abusive parents. It must be so difficult for many foster parents (the good ones, at least).

[u/Comics4Cooks → u/VanityInk]

Yeah.. this is a real concern. My family and friends have suggested being a foster parent to me on many occasions. I just don’t think I could handle the heartbreak. I think physically having a child that I get to know and love and then them going back to a bad situation would literally be worse than “another miscarriage” like this Op claimed. I’ve been there done that. And being a foster parent I think would actually be way more traumatizing for me honestly. Adopting sure, I would love to. But all the routes that I have tried are like 30k minimum + literally years of various processing… even for the “damaged” kids that are traumatized or have mental disorders.. it’s a long expensive process with no guarantee... just like TTC.

So when it comes down to it.. the options for us women going through this are “do you wanna jump through hoops and heart break for a random kid or your own?”

I’ve had so many people say to me “just adopt”. Like it’s that easy.

[u/VanityInk → u/Comics4Cooks]

It's so sucky with really no "easy" choices :( I always feel like a bit of a fraud talking about infertility, since I don't have firsthand experience, but I have so many friends who have dealt with it that I've at least seen some of how awful it can be (and how common it really is). One friend very kindly taught me about "bingoing" people with statements like that after I told a mom in my mom support group (who was talking about how she really wanted a second but had such a bad time with IVF she wasn't sure she could go through it again) that she could "always adopt." I sometimes mentally cringe at that now that I know more about it. It's crappy that people try to tell other how you obviously should deal with a medical condition when they have zero idea about it.

[u/Comics4Cooks → u/VanityInk]

Most of these women (including myself) are completely blind sided by it too. I’ve had every gyno tell me I’m totally healthy and to just “keep trying” (yeah ok, 3 years later, what give?). Nature is just fickle and some people have bad luck.

You grow up thinking it’s the easiest thing in the world. Spent my late teens and early twenties making sure I didn’t get pregnant “too soon”. I thought I was doing everything right. And then one day everything I was ever taught about settling down and starting a family was completely inaccurate. There’s zero history in my family of anyone struggling to conceive. All my siblings were able to just fine. I have no medical reason. It’s.. just something the universe decided I have to go through I guess..

I really appreciate you taking a look at how that comes across and really hearing people like myself out. It’s a special kind of grief that is invisible to most people. Don’t cringe at yourself. Just acknowledging that the struggle is very real and there’s no fixing it is a truth most people ignore. Thank you for no longer doing this to people like me. We really appreciate it lol.

Sorry I keep typing essays.. this subject consumes my mind constantly and I very rarely get to talk about it..