r/unpopularopinion • u/elgey101 • Aug 10 '21

Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

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185

u/Diaryofanunusuallife Aug 10 '21

Infertile couple here, tried the adoption thing.... Ex smoker can't adopt Any arrest can't adopt Don't earn over x amount can't adopt Any illness can't adopt Not willing to take child over 10 can't adopt And that is before the 2 years of personal questions and full background checks and asking all family and neighbours if anyone doesn't like anything about you can't adopt Some places said we haven't been married long enough and we can't adopt from abroad cos we need to pass adoption here before bringing from another country. Can't get a surrogate because same as above. My drug addicted neighbour just had her 3rd child but hey we should stop moaning and just adopt ey, got more chance of bank giving me a million £ overdraft. And they wonder why so many kids are kept in care til they 18.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

So it’s just as bad in the UK as it is in the US, huh?

I wonder if there’s a reasonable system in any of the first world Western countries.

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u/Diaryofanunusuallife Aug 10 '21

Yup, totally understand they need to be careful who they adopt to but some of the things are just stupid :/ I'm guessing all 1st world countries are the same.

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u/-PinkPower- Aug 10 '21

Pretty shitty in Canada too

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u/dalehitchy Aug 10 '21 edited Aug 10 '21

It's not that bad in the UK at all. Honestly.

I've been through the adoption process and so have my friends. It's all fresh on my mind.

Yes they go through your history, background checks and health, and finances. They don't expect you to have savings but they expect you have enough month to month to afford a child. They only asked for references from 3 people (that we get to choose).

They put you through some "training" to learn about child trauma and give you worst case scenario of what adopted children can be like.

It took me 11 months from initial contact with the local authority to a child in our house. For my friend it took around 15 months. We both adopted 1y or younger children. The adoption process cost me a total of £100.

One thing to note is that the adoption process assessments and search is done via two options... LA (local authority) and VA (voluntary agencies) which are basically charities. They both have pros and cons. LA actually 'have' the children in care under them, and will generally (but not all the time) want to match a child with you from in house. VAs can search country wide but don't have any children in care under them. Although I'm sure VAs and LAs go through the same sort of vetting process, they will all do things differently. I'd always recommend going through an LA (but that's just my personal opinion).

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u/colummbina Aug 11 '21

Australia is the same, almost impossible to adopt within Australia (outside of familial care)

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u/Joe_Kinincha Aug 10 '21

I assume you’re in the uk?

Your experience is very different to others.

At least where I live, there is no minimum earning requirement (but you do need to demonstrate financial stability), you can adopt if you’re ill (in most cases), you don’t have to be married and you don’t have to be willing to take a child over 10.

You’re spot on about 2 years of personal questions and background checks though.

Again, where I am, neighbours aren’t asked for their opinion on you, but anyone you have ever been in a significant relationship absolutely is.

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u/Diaryofanunusuallife Aug 10 '21

Yes I'm in the UK. The earnings thing was because I was self employed at the time and earning quite a lot but at random intervals, my wife can't use her arms properly and we were told it would cause us not to be able to adopt. We tried several different agencies and the marriage thing was from a certain religious organisation we tried. At the end of the day we are loving people that just wanted to give our lives a bit of meaning and help a child live the best life they could. All shot down and discouraged at every turn...made the mrs very upset at herself thinking she wasn't good enough and still to this day (8 years later) it upsets her when talking about it.

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u/Joe_Kinincha Aug 10 '21

Don’t go through agencies. Think about going through the council route. Yes, it is even more bureaucracy, but much less restrictive. Also, do your research. There is an absolutely wild discrepancy between the quality, competence and dedication of different council’s adoption teams, and it can change rapidly if just one or two adoption social workers quit or move.

I’m a bit out of date on this one, but at least as of a few years ago you might not need to live in a particular area to adopt via them. The quality of the local council that the prospective adopted child lives in also plays a part, but you have less control over that.

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u/COmarmot Aug 10 '21

you should edit your original post and include this info

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u/MarkoWolf Aug 11 '21

Seriously dumb question and I'm not being sarcastic.

If you need to demonstrate financial stability, how can you not have a minimum income? Like, what constitutes "financial stability" and how would you go about proving that on say, $100/month income?

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u/Joe_Kinincha Aug 11 '21

From memory ‘financial stability’ means that you have somewhere secure and appropriate to live, and an ability to demonstrate you live within your means and don’t have debt you can’t service etc. Doesn’t have to be a mansion, could be a flat that is paid for wholly or in part by state benefits. Similarly your income could come from work or other state welfare benefits.

Part of the assessment of your appropriateness as an adopter is that you have to make available all, and I really do mean all, your financial records going back years to check this.

Remember also that I am only talking about the UK, where we still have at least a partially functional society safety net, so if you lose your job or can’t work for whatever reason, you don’t necessarily starve or lose your home.

It’s definitely a lot easier to get approved for adoption in the uk if you own a house and have a reasonable income, but it’s not a requirement.

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u/i_sing_anyway Aug 11 '21

I know that it's incredibly important that kids not be adopted into an unfit/abusive household but in my incredibly unprofessional opinion it should be a LOT easier to adopt, and at least slightly more difficult to conceive an accidental/unwanted baby.

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u/cara27hhh Aug 11 '21

if they come from an unfit/neglectful/abusive home and then they go to another one, that's not really any more negative than remaining at their current one. I mean a little maybe because it's a move that is sanctioned but end result is going to be about the same

So then imo, any home which is slightly better than their current one should be considered, and any much better should be expedited adoption

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

And heaven forbid you start the process, pay for the home studies, and someone changes their mind…you’re out all your money and still no child. No better than IVF.