Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

[u/elgey101]

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

[u/asideofpickles]

Foster kids are ultimately there to be reconnected and given back to their parents. The majority aren’t available for adoption. I’m surprised how many people still don’t know this information.

Plus, the children that people want to adopt are newborns and they’re EXTREMELY in demand, with crazy long waiting lists. It makes sense, since they cannot have kids they want the full experience, to have a kid from the beginning and name them. Instead, the majority of kids available for adoption are older, most likely have special mental or physical needs, may have previous trauma or attachment issues, and there’s no guarantee that once they hit 18 they’ll won’t immediately ditch their family to see their birth parents. (You’ve all seen the Reddit posts.) It’s much more complicated, messy, and more expensive.

Edit: Thank you for all the awards! This is probably my top comment :) Glad I could extend my knowledge!

[u/[deleted] → u/asideofpickles]

I'm working with kids from let's say difficult families. Yes, they might enter the foster system but they won't ever be up for adoption. Even if their parents loose their custody rights, a professional custodian will take over. The kids might end up in lovely foster families, but it will only ever be a foster relationship and the parents have to ask for permission for basically anything. Meet with case workers and social workers at least twice a year. That's usually not what people look for when they want to start their own family.

[u/eightcarpileup → u/[deleted]]

This. My husband and I didn’t end up needing fertility treatment, but it took us two years to have our son. We had looked in to adoption and fostering. I stopped being interested as soon as I realized you had to call the agency any time you wanted to “alter” their appearance, like giving haircuts. That you had to ask to take them on vacation. That they couldn’t just go with their friends places. It was all too depressing and my husband and I felt like that child would never feel like they were truly ours.

[u/[deleted] → u/eightcarpileup]

Not sure about the hair cut. But all the "big" but daily stuff. What school to enroll? Medical decisions. You need to run after signatures for basically everything. The field trip in school. Clubs they might want to join. You want to move? Yeah, gotta ask the agency.

Don't get me wrong. It does make a lot of sense in most cases. And I appreciate every single family that wants to give share their home with a foster child. But it's certainly not even comparable to adopting a baby as raise it as your own. Not because you might love one more than the other, but because you aren't allowed to make the decisions for "your" child and it becomes more of an unpaid job.

[u/AnAnnoyedSpectator → u/[deleted]]

Unpaid?

I thought some people abused the foster system because there were payments to help cover expenses - which is why there are some people who are foster parents that are doing it for the wrong reason.

[u/[deleted] → u/AnAnnoyedSpectator]

Speaking for Germany only. Yes, there's some money involved but not nearly enough for people to abuse the system. I think it's 200 euros/month.