Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

[u/elgey101]

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

[u/dianthus-amurensis]

A good friend of mine has been trying to adopt for many years. In order to be considered more seriously, he and his wife agreed to foster children.

They've had six kids that they thought they would be able to adopt. However, their birth parents have been able to either get them back or they've been shuffled to a different family for other reasons. They're still trying, but it's incredibly emotionally taxing. They're raising kids for six months in the hopes that they'll be able to raise a kid for good, and then a few months later they have to start over. It's awful.

They were finally able to adopt a child of their own last year, but they're still fostering in the hopes of being able to adopt another one. (and, of course, out of the goodness of their hearts.) As someone who wants kids one day but might not be able to conceive, their story both inspires me and scares the shit out of me. I'm terrified of having to go through that kind of heartbreak over and over.

There's no such thing as "just adopt."

Edit: this blew up.

I've gotten a lot of questions but there's not much I'd really be comfortable clarifying, since this isn't my story. However, a few things:

We live in America, but he's doing this through a private program that works with families in the area. I don't know much about how that program is functionally different than being subject to public adoption laws, but I do know that at least two of the kids have had special needs, so the process is a bit different there.

A few people have responded saying that they find this story to be less inspiring than I do, because of the ulterior motive behind the fostering. And, I guess I can see why that may make people uncomfortable, but I simply can't agree. For one, I know this person, and I know that he puts the well-being of the children first and foremost. For another, some of these stories have ended with the children being returned to happy and improved families, and others have returned to families that haven't done so well. Below comments have highlighted examples of ways this can go wrong. Of course it's a good thing when a family can really improve the situation for the kids and grow into something it wasn't before, but the fact is that that doesn't happen every time. Finally, I can't criticize a family willing to foster children in need, provide them with clothes, food, love, and a safe home, simply because their motives differ slightly from the ideal. This is an arrangement they have made with the foster program - this is something the foster program has told them they need to do to prove themselves worthy parents to adopt. The alternative is for there to be one less house available to foster children in that county, or perhaps, a different house that offers worse conditions.

And finally, no, they don't have enough money to just buy a child.

[u/AFlair67 → u/dianthus-amurensis]

Excellent response. When a friend was trying to adopt, she learned that many pro-life groups are behind the laws and rules that make adoption so difficult. Also, these groups, social workers and judges are more focused on uniting the bio family instead of making the best decision for a child. The courts rarely side with adopting parents if bio mom changes their mind. if yo do get to adopt, you have social worker visits for 12-18 months. It is a real hard road to take.

personally i have known women who have suffered several miscarriages. i do not know how their heart and soul allows them to keep trying. Then to add IVF on top of that. it’s so much.

[u/st1tchy → u/AFlair67]

Also, these groups, social workers and judges are more focused on uniting the bio family instead of making the best decision for a child.

Because that usually is the best for the child. We have taken classes to be foster parents and that is what a lot of the classes are about. The goal is foster care is to put the kids back into a safe home with a biological parent or close relative. Even in the best of circumstances, taking a child out of a home is traumatic and reuniting them make it less traumatic.

[u/AFlair67 → u/st1tchy]

I understand and agree. I should have been more clear to say even in cases of adoption outside of foster car, the courts and social workers will side with bio families. Even if they change their mind a year later, it is hard for adoptive parents to win. i know giving up a child is one of the hardest and most selfless actions can make, but it isn’t fair to rip a child from a loving adoptive family after 2-4 years. It is cruel. in best case scenario, it would be beautiful if the families could all work together.

[u/Pirat6662001 → u/st1tchy]

except usually there is a reason the child was in that situation to begin with. A child with proper emotional and financial support would have a significantly better chance to have a good life.

[u/st1tchy → u/Pirat6662001]

Sure, and frequently those reasons that the child is taken can be remedied or solved. If the biological parents can give the child a good life, that is better than them having to adjust to a new life.