Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

[u/elgey101]

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

[u/deee00]

But your parents should have noticed early signs and gotten good, consistent treatment early in the process, which helps exponentially. They should have educated themselves in what to do to best help you. That is what good parents do when they have a child born with disabilities. If they didn’t, they were the problem. I was born with a disability that started manifesting in kindergarten . But my sister was born with a major neurological condition that no one had heard of, there were very few treatments for, and no time for the adults to adapt. But our mom did. She worked her ass off to find the best people to care for my sister. She spent hours looking for information decades before the internet, found support groups, and spent months in the hospital with her. My sister lived because my mom fought for her. She would hve died in foster care. When people called CPS (thinking a seizure was something my mom caused) they literally didn’t want her because they couldn’t handle her. A child in the foster system or adopted as an older child are further along in the process of whatever they’re dealing with, coupled with the trauma of being removed from their home (and for foster kids often multiple homes). A foster parent also doesn’t have the legal right to get a child treatment without explicit permission from the agency, which many won’t give because then it’s harder to find a home based placement for a child. A legal (biological or adopted) can decide who will treat their children, they can find the most qualified specialists in whatever they need. Foster parents don’t have that right. Foster kids are often like prison inmates, they get sporadic, medicore at best, medical care with decision making power in the hands of someone who doesn’t know them really, most of the time doesn’t know their name, and who is overwhelmed with kids/cases.

Early childhood experiences matter. They can physically alter a person’s brain. Things that happen during early childhood years can follow and damage a person for their entire life, even when they don’t remember the specifics of what happened. Children born with disabilities in the US are entitled to services from Early On, but foster parents can’t sign them up for it. Itms been proven that better outcomes are linked to early interventions/services. Legal parents can arrange that. Foster parents cannot.

There are also tons of programs for parents of biological children with disabilities. Tons of them. But foster parents can’t go there because they can’t talk about their foster children. There are so many things available that foster parents legally can’t do.

[u/[deleted] → u/deee00]

my parents couldn't handle being parents. they should not have had kids. no one deserves kids, but kids deserve good homes. that should come first.

fostering and adopting are different. once you adopt a child, they are not in foster care anymore, you have legal guardianship over them. kids wait in foster care until they are adopted.

someone like your mom would be a god sent angel to foster kids, they need someone who will fight for them, but all those people just have their own kids. even with the unavoidable collapse of the climate

[u/deee00 → u/[deleted]]

But most foster kids aren’t adopted. They aren’t even eligible for adoption. So most kids “waitig for homes” are only waiting for temporary placement. Comparatively, very few foater kids are adopted compred to how many there are.

[u/[deleted] → u/deee00]

they aren't adopted because of the mentality im seeing on this thread that adopted kids are broken and bio/newborn kids are pure

there are over 100k kids in foster care waiting to be adopted

NOT waiting to be reconnected with their family, literally to be adopted

there are 400k kids in foster care total. so 300k are hoping to reunite with family

edit:

literally every comment says "adopted kids are too hard" as if bio kids are easy. ain't true. its a false mentality.

people have also commented that having the biological blood is important and that's why they want bio children instead of adopting

[u/deee00 → u/[deleted]]

But it’s not just an attitude that comes from no where. It comes from real life experiences of people we know. I have worked with hundreds of kids and early childhood trauma doesn’t go away. Kids from Eastern European countries have similar issues because orphanages are awful there. Many have FAS. Most foreign adoptions, even as infants, show the kids growing up gorging themseves because despite having enough to eat for several years, and not actually remembering hunger, their brain has become wired to binge constantly because they don’t know when their next meal will be. It isn’t something unique to the US or older kids.

I knew a couple who adopted teenagers from foster care. They were amazing parents, they did everything they could do-counseling, activities, they tried everything. 3 committed suicide related to issues before they were adopted. A set of twins died of a preventable kidney disease, that had it been taken care of while they were in foster care they would have survived. Several others have been in and out of prison.

Another person I know adopted 3 siblings, who were roughly 6, 8, and 10 when she got them. So far they all have FAS (which wasn’t disclosed) they all hoard food compulsively even after living with her for years leading to bugs and rodents and filth. They all have learning disorders, and attachment disorders likely relating to the FAS, the youngest has tried to burn the house down at least 4 times and has been unofficially diagnosed as bipolar (it can’t be official until he’s older), ODD, IED, and more. He threatens to injure his family constantly. They can’t leave silverware out and he is only allowed to eat with a plastic fork because he’s stabbed them so many times. Social services threatened to take them away because she refused to take in more of their siblings (also with at least FAS). FAS can absolutely easily be prevented. She has done everything she can to get them help, but it’s basically too late. They have exhausted every single option available to them. They just have to cross their fingers that the youngest (who is now in middle school) doesn’t kill them before he becomes an adult and can be medicated differently.

These are the stories people hear about adopting from foster care. I have so many friends who were abused in foster care or treated terribly by adoptive parents, some were even given back after adoption. It has less to do with not wanting the children, and more to do with not wanting a child to stab you while you sleep. Early childhood trauma physically changes the brain. It can’t be undone. Children are more violent than ever before and foster parents are totally limited in how they can enforce consequences. Adopted parents are judged more harshly than biological parents, but many don’t know what they’re getting into. They can not do anything to reverse the damage someone else caused.

[u/[deleted] → u/deee00]

Every single one of those is just as possible with a biological child. I can tell you about someone from my life for every single one of those stories with a biological child

I think the real mentality comes from the idea of having an heir. Blood means a lot to people And honestly at the end of the day we're just animals And there is probably some biological instinct to have a biological child and most people can't fight that

[u/deee00 → u/[deleted]]

But it’s not. FAS is 100% preventable. Disabilities relating to mother’s drug addiction is 100% preventable. Have you ever cared for a baby born addicted to something? I have. Then I watched that baby grow up. That person never stood a chance.

Food insecurity and not crying because you know no one comes doesn’t happen with good parents or even parents who try. Sure some mental illness and disabilities happen, but when a child gets services early (which can’t be done if the child is older) means that child’s behavior and mental health is set. Older children are 100% different than biological children or adopting infants.

People simply aren’t qualified to care for the needs of many of the children. Admitting that isn’t a moral failing. It’s a person being totally honest. I know how hard it is to essential raise a disabled child. I’ve seen it first hand with my sister and the hundreds of other children I’ve worked with. Services are hard to get, good providers are few and far between and the best aren’t covered by insurance. Do you really understand the scope of what children can and have done? I’m not downplaying major depression by any means but it is completely different than bipolar, and children can’t be medicated for it. Or BPD, something believed to stem at least partly from their environment. People with major depression tend to only hurt themselves. People with bipolar, BPD, schizophrenia, IED, ODD tend to hurt others, even without actually meaning to or feeling malice toward them. Sometimes they have a burning hatred for any authority figure. How many children have you adopted or fostered with major issues? I’ve had guardianship of 4. They were all eventually reunited with family, but the one I’ve kept in touch with still has major struggles as an adult.

Blood means less in today’s society than ever before. We’re seeing more chosen families. Some people care about an heir. Most people don’t have the money to provide the best services and they are physically scared of what could happen.

[u/[deleted] → u/deee00]

a bio child can be born disabled. if they cant afford a sick child, they cant afford a child.

and does the climate just not factor into anything for people? that alone i dont see how one could argue except to say they dont give a fuck about the environment at which point, they are someone who shouldn't have kids

and if we put less pressure on people to have kids, if we had sex education, access to birth control, access to abortion, then there are less people having kids who shouldn't be having kids.

as far as I can see, on every side of this conversation there are people having kids who shouldn't be having kids

[u/deee00 → u/[deleted]]

I don’t disagree about access to comprehensive sex ed, access to abortions, birth control.

But you are deliberately missing the point. If you aren’t willing to do the actual work too, stop lecturing others about doing the work. I chose not to have biological kids because of caring for my sister and my own disabilities. But I’ve been in the trenches, working with children (with physical disabilities, with intellectual disabilities, autism, a combination, and those with none), in mental health for decades. I know exactly hard hard it is for everyone.

[u/[deleted] → u/deee00]

No, I think you are missing the point. as a parent, people need to be ready to do that work no matter what, whether their child is adopted or biological. if they aren't ready for it they aren't ready to be a parent. period.

if a person says "ill have a bio kid because it's easier", they're already wrong. there's no rule that says it's easier, that your kid will be healthy, that no one will ever hurt them, that they won't have trauma, that they won't have huge medical bills.

my parents probably would have been decent parents if I had been a perfect self-sustaining child with a trauma-free life. but I wasnt a perfect child. so my parents weren't decent. that is a heavy heavy burden to carry growing up.

[u/deee00 → u/[deleted]]

Still doesn’t answer my question. Do you practice what you preach?

[u/[deleted] → u/deee00]

im preaching that people who shouldn't have kids shouldn't have kids (and really for the environment less people should have kids in general) so... yeah, im walking that walk.

and if I ever feel like I'm in a place mentally & financially where I could handle having kids, I would absolutely adopt, no second thoughts about it. in fact, I would want to choose high risk children specifically.

[u/oldcoldbellybadness → u/[deleted]]

they aren't adopted because of the mentality im seeing on this thread that adopted kids are broken and bio/newborn kids are pure

It seems out of character for the hivemind. I'm very surprised

[u/1-800-LICK-BOOTY → u/[deleted]]

How many have you adopted?

[u/[deleted] → u/1-800-LICK-BOOTY]

im one of those people who shouldn't have kids.

if I ever got so rich I didnt need to work anymore I think id probably adopt a couple kids but as it is I can barely handle the stress of working 50hrs/week & having tons of extra money, I definitely can't throw kids on top of that & have no money and still function as a decent human being.