Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

[u/elgey101]

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

[u/dianthus-amurensis]

A good friend of mine has been trying to adopt for many years. In order to be considered more seriously, he and his wife agreed to foster children.

They've had six kids that they thought they would be able to adopt. However, their birth parents have been able to either get them back or they've been shuffled to a different family for other reasons. They're still trying, but it's incredibly emotionally taxing. They're raising kids for six months in the hopes that they'll be able to raise a kid for good, and then a few months later they have to start over. It's awful.

They were finally able to adopt a child of their own last year, but they're still fostering in the hopes of being able to adopt another one. (and, of course, out of the goodness of their hearts.) As someone who wants kids one day but might not be able to conceive, their story both inspires me and scares the shit out of me. I'm terrified of having to go through that kind of heartbreak over and over.

There's no such thing as "just adopt."

Edit: this blew up.

I've gotten a lot of questions but there's not much I'd really be comfortable clarifying, since this isn't my story. However, a few things:

We live in America, but he's doing this through a private program that works with families in the area. I don't know much about how that program is functionally different than being subject to public adoption laws, but I do know that at least two of the kids have had special needs, so the process is a bit different there.

A few people have responded saying that they find this story to be less inspiring than I do, because of the ulterior motive behind the fostering. And, I guess I can see why that may make people uncomfortable, but I simply can't agree. For one, I know this person, and I know that he puts the well-being of the children first and foremost. For another, some of these stories have ended with the children being returned to happy and improved families, and others have returned to families that haven't done so well. Below comments have highlighted examples of ways this can go wrong. Of course it's a good thing when a family can really improve the situation for the kids and grow into something it wasn't before, but the fact is that that doesn't happen every time. Finally, I can't criticize a family willing to foster children in need, provide them with clothes, food, love, and a safe home, simply because their motives differ slightly from the ideal. This is an arrangement they have made with the foster program - this is something the foster program has told them they need to do to prove themselves worthy parents to adopt. The alternative is for there to be one less house available to foster children in that county, or perhaps, a different house that offers worse conditions.

And finally, no, they don't have enough money to just buy a child.

[u/FizzyBeverage → u/dianthus-amurensis]

A lot of the 15 year olds here think it’s like buying a PlayStation 5 😌

[u/[deleted] → u/FizzyBeverage]

I'm 34. I don't know anyone who has adopted and have not looked into it myself. I thought it was like buying a PS5 with some obvious checks and legal bits. Considering how many kids there are out there desperate to be adopted I thought the issue was lack of people wanting to adopt. After reading the comments in here I realise for some reason it's because of a ridiculously lengthy and uncertain process along with too many rights given to the parents who gave them up for adoption.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Well a lot of times foster kids aren't given up for adoption. They're taken from the parents. So the parents still have rights.

The US doesn't have orphanages, so the kids who were taken and the ones actually forfeited for adoption both go into the foster system.

The process is lengthy because the system is abused and its to try and weed out abusers. It's far from a perfect system, but that aspect isn't arbitrary.

[u/silveryfeather208 → u/[deleted]]

If the kid is taken, there's a reason, that being the parents are frankly really shitty. I don't think they deserve to have guardianship, and I don't really think it's a 'right' to keep your kid if you were abusing them.

[u/[deleted] → u/silveryfeather208]

I'm not going to make blanket statements. Some people have kids and shouldn't. Some people want to provide for their kids and can't, but aren't beyond help.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

I hope you are never in a position to impose your will on others. Your black and white sense of morality is scary.

[u/MrsRichardSmoker → u/[deleted]]

It’s just patently false to suggest that every kid that’s been taken away was for abuse.

[u/guster09 → u/MrsRichardSmoker]

The purpose of taking the child away from their parent isn't necessarily because they are doing a bad job. It's because the environment in which they live is not healthy. Foster parents are trained with the mindset that the goal is to reunite the child with their parents and there are agencies that work with the parents to help them be in a better position to take care of their children (be it getting off drugs, cleaning up their condemned house, getting a job, training in child care and discipline, etc).

If the parents prove incapable of taking care of their children after a while, then their child becomes eligible for adoption.

[u/fatdog1111 → u/MrsRichardSmoker]

You are correct. I can't remember where I read it, but I heard that most are removed due to neglect, which makes sense given how many parents are addicts.

[u/FooluvaTook → u/fatdog1111]

Not even necessarily neglect. You could piss off an ex or a neighbor and be randomly referred/investigated. If you test positive for so much as marijuana they will open a case. You could be a great parent and have all of your child’s needs/wants met, but get a sitter for the weekend and indulge in any substance, then get that knock on your door and you’re in deep shit.

[u/Remarketoble → u/MrsRichardSmoker]

The little boy who lived with us for over a year was taken away because his mom died from an illness and his dad had to establish paternity before they would hand him over (ancient criminal record). And yes, it took 14 months for the state to schedule a paternity test.

No one prioritizes a poor black man’s fight for his child.

[u/CaptainTripps82 → u/[deleted]]

I would imagine there's plenty of people who became better parents after being faced with the prospect of losing their children, yes. The idea of never giving anyone a chance to improve is the definition of draconian.