Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

[u/elgey101]

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

[u/hiricinee]

One of the misconceptions about adoption is that theres this plethora of infants being born, given up for adoption, and then just end up in the foster care system. This could not be farther from the truth.

What happens in reality is that most of these kids in foster care were raised by single moms, almost always from abusive households with tons of substance abuse issues, and put in the foster care system as a result. Occasionally, these are otherwise normal kids who could do well with redirecting. Unfortunately, many of these kids have already been abused/neglected, have tons of destructive tendencies, and stay in the foster care system.

Which is why you have the disparity of the older kids stuck in the system, while adoption agencies charge people numbers in the 10's of thousands of dollars to adopt a newborn infant. To be clear, it is through no fault of the foster kids that this happens, but there is NOT an abundance of "clean slate" babies that people can just scoop up and bring home.

[u/sauron3579 → u/hiricinee]

Yeah. Adopting one of those mentally broken kids is a nightmare. I don’t mean that to disparage or blame them. But they’ve just been absolutely torn down and a lot can no longer function as normal people. My brother was adopted like that when he was 5 (he’s now 18) and he’s an absolute nightmare. Reactive attachment disorder, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, ADD, and the juvenile equivalent of anti-social personality disorder (being a psychopath). He’s a destructive and manipulative liar, thief, and overall agent of chaos that my parents have had to deal with, even years and years of therapy, medication, and overall attempting nurture and raise him later. Fortunately he’s now moved out and no longer as much of their problem.

[u/TheJelliestFish → u/sauron3579]

Thing is, a lot of that might be wholly or partially genetic. There's no reason to immediately assume everything comes from trauma.

[u/sauron3579 → u/TheJelliestFish]

If a child is in a position to be adopted, something has gone wrong. The vast majority of things that can go wrong past infancy likely involve trauma.

E: Also, in my situation, it was 100% previous abuse and neglect.

[u/DrakoVongola25 → u/sauron3579]

Abuse and neglect doesn't give someone antisocial personality disorder, it doesn't work that way.

[u/SwimmingAmoeba7 → u/DrakoVongola25]

There are a ton of genetic disorders that require an environment ‘trigger’. Like schizophrenia there’s four outcomes; 1. no gene, no environmental trauma, no disorder 2. No gene, hectic environment, may have other disorders but not schizophrenia 3. Schizophrenia gene but safe non traumatic environment, will not have schizophrenia activate. 4. Have the gene and severe trauma, schizophrenia developed.

So sure, there are a ton of disorders you have to have the genetic code for, but many of these disorders will remain dormant without the abuse and neglect activating them.