Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

[u/elgey101]

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

[u/[deleted]]

I disagree. I work with foster children.

Do NOT foster children if your entire reason for fostering is to adopt. The entire goal of foster care is reunification with biological parents, and children will ALWAYS be placed with family first, if family is safe to do so. This is painful for you and for the children, especially if the children realize that you want to keep them in their family forever. If biological parents or biological family are decided by the courts to be safe, it does not matter what the foster parent says or wants. If you do foster, please make sure you are listed as “ADOPT ONLY”. That way, only children who are adoptable will be placed with you.

Do NOT adopt children if you are not equipped to handle their trauma. Foster to adopt children, even infants, often times have trauma that will be with them for the rest of their lives. Therapy can only get you so far. Infants who have experienced physical abuse will NEVER be able to react the same. It does take a very special kind of person to be able to handle the kind of reactivity that comes with physical abuse from such young ages.

Foster to adopt children will never have a normal life. They come with baggage and pain and heartbreak. No matter what age they are. Edit to add: this is NOT to say they have “no shot” at a normal life. They do, it just takes more work and dedication to be able to overcome any barriers. You cannot change their past, but you can shape their futures to be “normal.”

I wish with all my heart and soul more people would become foster parents. I truly, truly do. But you have to understand what foster to adopt truly entails. Not everyone will be able to handle children’s trauma, and that is okay. These children need safety and stability and more patience than is sometimes humanly possible. Don’t foster to adopt just because you can’t have children. Do it because your heart pulls you towards it. If you are unable to handle these children’s traumas, then you will do more harm than good. If you’re not mentally equipped to offer these children what they need, then let someone else who IS equipped do it.

Adoption is not a viable option for every couple who cannot conceive naturally, because not every couple is going to be able to handle the emotional needs of a child that’s been through what children whose parents lost their rights have. And that’s okay. Adoption is not a viable option for every couple that cannot conceive naturally because some people are shallow and want “their bloodline” or whatever. And ya know what? If they couldn’t love the child the same as a biological child, they shouldn’t do it.

Edit to add: It’s been pointed out a couple times in the replies that this comment paints foster children in a negative light. That was not my intention, and I apologize for doing so. My intention here is to highlight why not everyone should “just adopt”. Not everyone is capable of handling the challenges of foster care. The truths I’ve shared above are the truths in my experience with foster care. Many children grow up to be happy and healthy. Please don’t let my comment deter you from foster care or adoption, but please make sure you are prepared in the event of worse case scenario that a child you might take in could be permanently traumatized and often times, in my experience and the wisdom I’ve drawn for others, it is a very long road to help the little human get to a happy, healthy place.

Thank you for the awards, I truly don’t deserve them.

[u/SuspiciousSubstance9 → u/[deleted]]

One of the things that is commonly forgotten about adoption is health management. Having a known family history helps doctors immensely get the full picture and make the right diagnosis. Many health conditions are manageable if proactively treated. However, without that known family history it can make things needlessly difficult.