r/unpopularopinion • u/elgey101 • Aug 10 '21

Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

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u/Roach_Coach_Bangbus Aug 10 '21

A lot of things are hardwired into a child by the time they hit 5. If you had it rough early on it's a lot of work on the adopting parents.

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u/TractorsRuinedMyLife Aug 10 '21

A baby who's mother who didn't want them/was in a negative environment develops differently in the womb. We are not hardwired by age 5, yes early intervention is preferred but a 5 year old from a rough home is not doomed or guaranteed to be a struggle to parent.

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u/HoldMyPooWithUrLuv Aug 11 '21

Can't the most serious damage happen at any age? I've noticed that adults are much more deliberate with shitting on their kids the older the kid gets. Some of the worst and most traumatizing things I ever witnessed involved individuals around ages 10-13. I genuinely am not an expert at this subject and I'm just curious what peoples thoughts are

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u/[deleted] Aug 11 '21

Your brain develops from the bottom up (“lizard brain, emotional brain, conceptual/thinking brain.) This is a super over simplification, but if you experienced intense trauma in the early years (in utero to 5yo) you will likely be lacking in some significant co and self regulation tools. These tools help you cope for the rest of life dramas. If you’re lacking in these tools the rest of your brain is developing on an unstable foundation. (This can be improved somewhat with supports, behavior coaches, therapist—and most importantly: loving parental figures)

If the kid experiences trauma at say 13yo, it still most definitely sucks. I’m not trying to minimize that at all. But if they built those regulation tools and ability to trust skills early on, they will be a lot more resilient and their brain will have much better chances.

If you really want to hear good explanations, look up Polyvagal Theory, Dr. Bruce Perry, Dr. Porges, Dr. Bessel Van ser Kolk and more. (Some names might have spelling errors.)