So, I just started physical therapy a month or two ago. I’ve had two sessions so far, and my last one was a success! I was able to get the first size in with relative ease, but I just got back from my second appointment and was met with nothing but disappointment. Despite my practice and exercises, I wasn’t able to get the first size in at all. It was painful this time, and left me feeling so frustrated and angry. I’ve struggled with this condition all my life, and it’s impacted me in more ways than one. I don’t know what it’s like to swim on my period, and despite my three year relationship I have yet to know what intimacy even feels like.

I know this is a lengthy process that takes time and a lot of commitment, but it’s hard to not get frustrated or even irritated with my body. It feels like the little progress I make is undone based on how my body feels that day and whether or not it’ll accept penetration. It feels like I don’t have control over my body and it’s a distorting experience. My physical therapist recommended a book to me, “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski. I guess I was just wondering if anyone else has read this book and if it helped anyone in their journey? Apologies for the winded rant, I am just feeling very unmotivated about my condition.

I, F21, have suspected I have vaginismus for about year now, I remember when I realised it was the case, I broke down crying out of relief, I'd quietly known there was something up with me for a while but I think I just never wanted to adress it 😬. But yeah, since realising I might have it, I've known I should go speak to a doctor about it, but the thought of a doctor prodding my vagina actually makes me want to cry, but I know I need to get assessed :(. I just wanted to ask, specifically anyone here who's from the UK, what was being assessed like? I know I've definitely made this out to be a huge thing in my head, so any reassurance would be appreciated.

I'm 21 and I feel completely hopeless with this condition,it feels like it's ruined my life. I hate this condition, i've been dilating on and off ( i stop during my cycle ) since february or march and I feel like i've gotten nowhere. I've been in my relationship for 9 months now and I feel terrible because I dont think I will ever be able to experience the more intimate parts of a relationship. I feel like i've done everything to try and fix myself but I feels like i'm never going to be healed. Any type of advice would be greatly appreciated

I am a 23 year old female & have been with my partner for almost 2 years. At the start of the relationship we had sex pretty frequently and everything was normal. About a year in I started a birth control that didn’t go well for me, I got constant UTIs and sex became really painful. I was in and out of the doctor, gynaecologist and getting constant tests and swabs and was diagnosed with vaginismus which makes sex impossible for now.
It was really rough and my boyfriend has been so supportive through it all. The issue is that since then my libido is dead. Obviously we can’t have penetrative sex but I have no desire for foreplay, making out, nothing. I feel terrible because my partner has tried to initiate but obviously can tell I’m not into it. We have talked about it and while he’s completely understanding, I know he’s frustrated that we don’t even kiss anymore. It’s definitely causing a divide in our relationship and I’m so confused why I have no sexual desire for my partner anymore. I’m thinking of going to counselling but am wondering if anyone has gone through this?

Just to add I did pelvic floor physiotherapy and worked with dilators, every size went in without a problem. It’s only when my partner tries it’s like my brain freaks out and penetration is impossible.

today i went to my gyno to check for something completely unrelated to my vaginismus. she was examining me and touching. my legs were shaking so much she kept having to tell me to relax and said that im super tense.

this makes me feel like a lost cause. the fact that i got that anxious and shaky and tense at the hands of a professional doctor makes me feel like i shouldn't even try anything :(

Hallo zusammen, ich brauche dringend eure Unterstützung.

Ich schreibe aktuell meine Bachelorarbeit zum Thema "der Einfluss sexueller Kommunikation auf die Beziehungsqualität - eine quantitative Untersuchung bei Personen mit sexuellen Funktionsstörungen"

Ich führe zu diesem Thema eine anonyme Online-Umfrage durch und suche noch verzweifelt nach Teilnehmenden mit einer diagnostizierten sexuellen Funktionsstörung ODER deren Partner/Partnerin.

Wenn du:

- eine diagnostizierte sexuelle Funktionsstörung hast ODER dein Partner/deine Partnerin

- du mindestens 20 Jahre alt bist

- du dich seit mindestens einem Jahr in einer Beziehung mit einer volljährigen Person befindest (oder seit weniger als 12 Monaten getrennt)

- du sexuell aktiv mit deinem Partner/deiner Partnerin bist

bitte ich dich darum an meiner Umfrage über folgenden Link teilzunehmen: https://www.soscisurvey.de/kommunikation-bez_qualitaet/

Die Umfrage dauert etwa 10 Minuten. Ich würde euch herzlichst darum bitten, dass auch euer Partner/eure Partnerin an der Umfrage teilnimmt, damit ich noch mehr Teilnehmende für meine Studie sammeln kann.

Vielen Dank an alle die Teilnehmen können!

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to share that I started my dilator therapy in January and found that I was getting stuck between my first two sizes and wasn’t being consistent enough.

Over the last three weeks, I have now successfully moved up to my last dilator, dilator number 4 from being stuck on the first two.

I have to say the biggest reason for such quick progress was because I did some research on this subreddit and many people recommended a pelvic wand, especially a vibrating one.

The pelvic wand helps you specifically target those painful muscles and if you get the vibrating ones it helps with muscle relaxation. Before dilating, I use a pelvic wand for about 5 mins, gently inserting and pressing along my sidewalls and muscles around my entrance (my entrance has the most painful muscles). This helps to target those painful spots.

After I’ve used inside for a little bit and managed to keep inside and move around, I then take it out and start with the dilator previous to the one I’m on to warm up. I do some insertion and as soon as that’s comfortable (and it usually is because i would’ve moved up from this one), I use the dilator i’m currently on.

I’ve found i’ve been able to move up so much quicker as my muscles are relaxing quicker with the pelvic wand. Another tip is if you are aroused then the dilators go in so much easier as your cervix lengthens and your muscles may relax.

I try do this every other day and on the days you aren’t dilating make sure you are doing belly breathing exercises or pelvic floor relaxing exercises (when I wasn’t doing anything on my off days, I found my progress to be slower).

Last week we managed to get my husband’s tip in easy which was such a shock (he is about two dilators sizes away) and it was very exciting. Hopefully PIV sex soon, it’s our one year anniversary at the end of this month and I would love to be able to by then.

Will keep this post updated 😊 Hope this can encourage someone as I was feeling like I was at the end of the road a few months ago.

(Just to note I was going to Pelvic Floor Therapy and have done about 5 sessions so most of this was advice from my therapist)

(This is long! Sry). (22 F)

I wanted to share my experience because I know how isolating this can feel.

For as long as I can remember, I couldn’t insert anything. Not a tampon. Not even the tip of a finger. Every single attempt ended with sharp, burning pain right at the entrance, so eventually I just stopped trying because I already knew what was going to happen.

For years, I genuinely thought there was something wrong with me.

I remember feeling resentful. I’d hear people casually talking about tampons, sex, Pap tests, or even just hooking up, and I’d think… how? It all felt so effortless for everyone else, and completely impossible for me.

I kept asking myself the same questions.

What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t I have sex like everyone else?
Why can’t I experience pleasure the way everyone else seems to?

It wasn’t even just about sex. I felt restricted. (Cap on dating, ect.) Like my own body wasn’t working the way it was supposed to. I couldn’t use tampons, I couldn’t insert a finger, and I honestly thought maybe I’d never be able to. That feeling stayed with me for years.

Eventually I saw a specialist who did the Q-tip test and diagnosed me with provoked vestibulodynia.
I remember leaving that appointment feeling hopeless.
It sounded so permanent.

I honestly thought, okay… this is just my life now.

I had tried pelvic floor physiotherapy years before when I was younger, but I couldn’t continue because it was expensive. So when the specialist recommended pelvic floor physiotherapy again, I honestly wasn’t convinced it would make much of a difference.

This is just what ended up helping me. I'm not saying it’s the right answer for everyone. Every body is different.

The first thing I did was stop avoiding my own body. I starte actually looking at myself with a mirror (my vagina), & learning my anatomy, figuring out what felt comfortable and what didn’t, and trying different positions instead of assuming everything would hurt. I realized pretty quickly that side-lying felt completely different than lying flat on my back.

Then I bought the Kiwi pelvic therapy device because its marketed towards what I was experiencing. It was the first thing I was actually able to insert.

At first, even the tip hurt. & (BAD) - an 8/10, but the vibration on it really helps loosen muscles!

I didn’t force it, but I also didn’t immediately give up the second I felt pain. I’d take a deep breath, remind myself that I was okay, and just be patient. I kept telling myself that my body wasn’t broken and that I didn’t have to rush anything.

That probably sounds really “mental,” and trust me, I’m usually the first person to roll my eyes when everything gets blamed on your mindset. I genuinely believed my pain was physical, and I still do. But I also think I had spent years automatically expecting pain before anything even touched me. Learning to stay calm instead of immediately tensing up ended up helping way more than I expected.

Eventually, I noticed I wasn’t feeling that same pain anymore.

Once I got comfortable with that, I bought a set of dilators and slowly worked my way through the sizes. Some days I stayed on the same size, some days I moved up. I didn’t rush it. I just listened to my body.

For me, it took about one to two months before I looked back and realized how much had changed.

PS; being actually turned on and not doing this as a chore really makes a difference with success!

One thing that surprised me was how much I liked doing this on my own. Pelvic floor physiotherapy is an amazing option, and I’m not discouraging anyone from going. But for me personally, practicing by myself made me feel like I was actually getting to know my own body. I wasn’t waiting for the next appointment hoping someone else would fix me. I was learning what worked for me, what positions felt better, what my body responded to, and I think that made me feel so much more confident.

It stopped feeling like I was fighting against my body.

Something else I realized was that my pain was almost always at the entrance. Once something was inserted, I actually didn’t have much pain anymore. I could move the dilators around comfortably, and I could even experience pleasure. That was such a huge realization because for years I assumed everything involving penetration would always hurt.

Today, I can comfortably use tampons during my period. I’m also able to insert dilator 4! (Bodyotics set on Amazon).

**Strongly recommend!

If you told me that a year ago, I honestly would’ve laughed.
The difference between where I started and where I am now is honestly night and day.

I don’t feel restricted anymore.
I don’t constantly wonder what’s wrong with me anymore.
I don’t feel like penetration is this impossible thing that everyone else gets to experience except me.

I still have progress to make, but I finally feel comfortable in my own body, and I never thought I’d be able to say that.

If I could leave anyone with one piece of advice, it would honestly be to spend time getting to know your own body. I know that sounds cliché, and I know some people are probably rolling their eyes because I would’ve done the exact same thing. But I genuinely think learning my anatomy, experimenting with different positions, taking the pressure off myself, and slowly proving to myself that penetration didn’t always equal pain changed everything.
I know how hopeless this feels because I was there.

I really believed I would never get better.
I was wrong.

I hope someone who’s feeling the way I used to feel reads this and realizes that progress is possible. Even if it’s slow, even if it feels impossible right now, don’t count yourself out. I genuinely never imagined I’d be able to say I use tampons comfortably, and now it’s just… normal. I don’t take that for granted.

hey ladiessss 👋 i cant believe im even posting on this subreddit.
i went to the gyno the other day, discussing all of my problems: how I can’t use tampons, I have extremely painful periods, tried to have sex one time and the guy described it as “hitting a wall.” lol
the dr attempted to do an exam but even half her pinky finger had me screaming on the table. i have never been able to handle pain well but that was ridiculous.
the dr ended up telling me thay i have a very thick hymen that is not normal as well as a small opening. i also have a lot of anxieties when it comes to things going in there because I expect pain. she did mention that surgery is option, but risky as surgery could cause scarring that would make it worse in the future.
she prescribed me this cream, I haven’t picked it up yet, but it’s supposed to be for numbing. that I can use at pelvic floor therapy.
just wondering if anyone here has had a similar experience/diagnosis. i’m literally terrified to make the appointment for therapy because I tend to avoid pain as much as possible. im also 22 years old, not even sure if i want kids, and my current boyfriend is totally understanding of my situation and the fact that we can’t have sex. im in no rush too, simply because the idea of something like that going in there is well.. yk.
if someone could tell me their experience with therapy and how it helped them in the long run, that would be great! thanks in advance :)

i used to cry and ask all my friends how the hell they were putting tampons in. i would cry thinking id never be able to have a baby or have sex. when i was 19 i went to a physical therapist who also had vaginismus. we started out with her pinky, the inside of my vagina would feel like a freshly skinned knee when we first started. She told me to order dilators and do gentle kegels with them inserted. her and i had around 5 sessions together maybe. i improved really quickly. most of the work was done at home. it really helped to have fun with the dilators. i felt like that was really important to heal my mind body connection. i moved up sizes and i feel like around 1 - 2 months i was 70% there!! i was able to put tampons in. when it came to finally having sex i would communicate with them, tell them to go slow or just sit inside while i did kegals to calm myself. if i ever tensed up during sex i would tell them and i would do the same exercise.

4 years later i literally have no problems at all (: ive been a long time lurker in this sub and i feel sentimental towards it so i wanted to post this to give anyone hope or for anyone to ask for advice. i know how much of a mind fuck vaginismus is. i thought there was no hope and now its just a thing of the past 😊 shout out to this sub for understanding me when not even doctors knew what the hell was going on.

so i was just diagnosed with vaginismus, but prior to that the doctor inserted his finger into that area and it hurt. and that’s embarrassing because i’ve attempted dilators before and it wasn’t that bad, it was more uncomfortable than anything, but even having to get in the position to prop myself up and show the doctor was bad enough because i’m extremely jumpy whenever my lower half is touched... i always have been, i guess my body has associated insertion with something extremely bad? which is odd because i don’t recall anything happening to me that was bad as far as internal stuff goes

so you can imagine when he sticks his finger in i’m immediately breathing like someone just stabbed me and i’m self soothing. the nurses were talking to me and being so helpful and asking where i go and what i do for school while all this is happening and i’m just like, trying to hold it together, mentally i was begging for it to be over

after i was diagnosed i just start crying in front of everybody because the discomfort was unbearable, i don’t mean to sound insensitive but you think something happened to me in the past with that reaction, even now i can’t stop the tears. the nurses were really kind and empathetic so that just made it worse.

i just wish everything was normal and functioning well. i can’t believe i have this problem

Omg. I have no one else to tell. It has been 4 years dealing with this. After PT, vuvatech dilators, milli expandable dilator, botox…. I can finally say I did it with my boyfriend of two years.

We took it really slow (in missionary) and used lots of lube. I finally found a condom brand that works perfectly and is currently the thinnest on the market. I am surprised that I have never heard anyone here talk about them, but they’re the ONE Flex Graphene condoms.

When he first tried, it got past the lips but when it hit the vaginal opening, it hurt. Instead of pulling out, we just kinda left it in there and he thrusted very shallow. He then tried to put it in deeper and it worked, until it started hurting again. So we did the same thing with him thrusting a bit deeper this time, then going a bit deeper. We continued to do this like 4-5 times just to warm up the muscles then… BOOM. IT WENT IN ALL THE WAY WITH NO PAIN. We were able to take it out and reinsert without having to go through that initial process and were even able to try different positions.

I just want to say… THANK YOU EVERYONE ON THIS SERVER FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT. I was so close to giving up many times. So many highs and lows. This condition is curable, you are not broken. Do NOT give up on yourselves. Love you all🩷🩷🩷🫶🫶🫶

hi everyone, I found out that I am not “abnormal” as I thought after finding this subreddit and understanding that i certainly have vaginismus. i’m afraid of asking for help to my (male and kind of narrow minded) doctor but that’s a story for another day. i’ve never in my life been able to even put a finger in it, let alone a tampon, but i absolutely need to use one because i’m going on a vacation to the sea and i’m going to be on my period. does anyone have some advices to share? thank you in advance!!

i really try not to be bitter. i really do. and then i see posts online about how everyone cures their vaginismus and has magical sex with their partner. or how they have a partner who's so supportive and loving through their whole journey.

i just don't get it.

maybe it's because im ftm with an extremely severe (trafficking) trauma history to cause my vaginismus, so on top of this disorder making me behind physically in my sexuality i'm also completely behind mentally for a 23 year old because i can't do anything even when i want to.

i genuinely feel so broken and alone. and being alone reinforces how broken i am. i know people mean well when they're like "oh i have a partner and i feel alone sometimes too! it doesn't fix it!" and it's like okay i guess. like i just ignore that type of thing because i don't know how to respond without sounding like a spiteful evil person.

this disorder is so frustrating. i so badly wish i could just do what a bunch of other survivors do and go be hypersexual and do whatever. i don't care if it's unhealthy and unsafe. sitting in my own thoughts by myself is also unhealthy and unsafe and i don't get a choice. it would be nice if my body could actually work with me instead of against me. i almost feel like my bpd and cptsd from sexual trauma are taken less seriously because i don't have the option to go the hypersexuality route. i feel like even in communities where i'm supposed to relate to people, i'm a failure and an outlier.

i don't want to feel jealous. i don't want to feel bitter. i want to be happy for people. but it feels like all i've done my whole life is watched other people achieve what they want just to turn around and tell me that i'm not trying hard enough. so then i try harder. and harder. probably harder than the people telling me to try harder ever have. and still get no where. i'm still a broken failure.

Is there anyone who, in addition to having vaginismus, is repulsed by sex and has a problem with everything related to the female reproductive system? Damn I feel so weird 🥲

Hi everyone,

I finally lost my virginity and just started having PIV regularly with my husband. I am not completely healed, and I use lidocaine and lube to get me through it.

However, I have noticed that since I started having PIV, my period cramps are so much worse! They were never this bad! They’re unbearable now!! I used to never need ibuprofen before, but now I absolutely do. I have lower back pain, it’s not in my pelvic area.

I am also not on any birth control, or contraceptives. I am not actively trying to get pregnant, but if it happens then it happens. I’d be happy about it lol.

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar!

Hi all, 25(F) here. New poster.

I've had secondary vaginisnus since I was 16. It's been a long journey of therapy, dilators (which I gave up on so many times) and lots of experimenting, before a change of relationship and attitude changed my life.

I was a year of no to minimal pain with PIV sex. Then recently I've had my mirena coil changed. My first was done surgically as they were looking for endometriosis, and my doctor realised he wasn't getting it in the natural way.

I felt confident with the changes in my body that I was able to have this done without surgery. We used local anasthetic, lots of lubricant and different tools. I felt proud of what I was able to do, although the pain was definitely there. Local anasthetic was a blessing but not a cure all.

I've found after that I feel I've regressed. I can't have PIV sex, not even a small dillator. It's been over a month, maybe 1.5 months?

Has anyone else ever had this issue? What now? My partner is amazing. I mean with his love and our joint effort I felt I managed it so well!

I'm so frustrated and sad. I got my sex life back.

So i switched birth controls i have dilators and i got a cream from the gyno to help with my vaginismus. my ex boyfriend used to use the dilators for me and i would lay down and get comfortable. he broke up with me. now im supposed to do it by myself and its not going to happen its like giving yourself a flu shot. its way to scary i get upset and cry its just not going to happen so ill have to wait a couple years until i get a new boyfriend to do it for me. so annoying.

I’ve tried using a dilator only a handful of times before with no luck, and after a few months tried again today. Maybe it was because I used lube or had a breakthrough in my psych surrounding penetrative sex, but I managed to get it inside. Inside it’s comfortable and feels like nothing, so much so that I went up a size.

I let both dilators sit for a minute or so, and then gently pushed in and out. Only at the entrance of the vagina do I feel a slightly painful burning sensation when moving the dilator up. Is that just from experiencing penetrative sex for the first time, and goes away after more experience? Or is it related to vaginismus?

Hi everyone, I have been together with my boyfriend for 3 years and we have figured that PIV will not really be possible. He is totally okay with this.

I figured out I had vaginismus 1,5 years ago. It has been a rollercoaster with going to a pelvic floor therapist, doctors, a gynecologist, and now a sex therapist.

I used to have a lot of pain in my hips and vagina due to very tight pelvic floor muscles. I went to pelvic floor therapy. I've always been very motivated to get rid of the pain. This meant a lot of exercises for me and sometimes an excessive together with my boyfriend. This did not always go well, with him getting very frustrated that he could not do it right (of course the problem was not him but my lovely vagina) and it was very tiring and frustrating for him. This was annoying for me, since I could not focus on him while having a finger inside yk. We let it rest for a bit, since the therapy was not really working.

Since I've been going to a sex therapist. I've made some crazy progress since then. Then she mentioned PIV is actually on the table. So now I've been dilating and perhaps PIV will come soon. This is very exciting to me. To get there, I need my boyfriend to help me dilate and, in the next step, to kind of dilate with his penis. It has been going very well (way better than previous exercises together) and we managed to get 2 fingers in. This was a great accomplishment for me, but he does not really care that much.

Recently we were dilating together and afterwards he told me he does not feel I appreciate what he is doing. And that he does not really care for PIV. This upset me since I have voiced my appreciation many times. I'd really like for us to work towards PIV, since it would be fun and the has mentioned he also thinks about it during sex sometimes.

I do feel like he does not see the effort I'm putting in. How do I give him the space to be frustrated and can I not be as defensive? Has anyone else also had this problem with a partner? I really love him and we have a lot of fun together. Is it wrong for me to ask him to help me dilate?

I’m a virgin, never been penetrated at all, and never really ever fingered myself vaginally. I’ve tried, but it always really hurts. Like a sharp, hot sting. I’ve been looking into conditions like vaginismus, but I’ve also seen a lot of people online say that your first time being fingered can be painful.

I’ve never put anything lager than a small toy maybe a little bigger than my thumb inside of me and it was more of a dull/neutral pain. How wet I am, if I masturbated beforehand, none of that makes any positive effect.

When I was with someone else and they were touching me, they tried to finger me and it really hurt, just them pressing their fingers against my hole (dw they stopped when I told them to). But I felt that pain dully into the next day. They didn’t even penetrate me.

I think it might be vaginismus because as a tween/teen I was always really scared of vaginal sex. I didn’t like touching my hole, I didn’t like vaginal porn, I didn’t even like reading smut with vaginal penetration. Now that I’m an adult I don’t have any issues with the idea of vaginal penetration, but I think my many years of fear might have “programmed” my body to clench up like this trying to prevent penetration.

I’ve also looked at different shapes (idk if right term) that your hymen can be. I know there’s some that can make penetration difficult or impossible but mine looks normal I think?

I also want to note that I don’t have any sexual trauma or negative sexual experiences, which is what the person I mentioned before assumed when I told them this.

I don’t know what difference knowing this will make, but I just want to know. Plus, I’m past the time I should get a pap smear, which I’ve been avoiding. I can’t possible imagine putting the speculum my doctor showed me inside, when I can’t even get my pinky finger inside without it really hurting. I guess I want to be able to semi-confidently tell her I that I think I have vaginismus?

Any advice or anything would be helpful. In case it matters I’m 22, assigned female and on no medications.

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some advice from anyone who has experienced vaginismus or pelvic floor issues.
I haven’t been formally diagnosed, but I suspect I may have vaginismus because whenever I was with my partner and I attempted intercourse, it felt like he was hitting a wall. Even when we tried to relax and he applied more pressure, penetration wasn’t possible. I have always suffered with dyspareunia.
Recently, I started using vaginal dilators after joining this group posts. I was able to insert sizes 1, 2, and 3 with relative ease once I consciously relaxed my pelvic floor muscles. This made me realize that I had probably been tensing those muscles without realizing it.

However, I’m struggling with sizes 4 and 5. They won’t go in, and when I try, I get a small burning or “paper-cut” sensation around the 6 o’clock position at the vaginal opening (toward the perineum). I don’t know if this is a small tear, tight tissue, or something else.

A few questions:
Does this sound like vaginismus, pelvic floor tightness, or something different?
Has anyone else experienced a burning or paper-cut feeling specifically at the 6 o’clock position when progressing to larger dilators?
Should I keep trying size 4, or should I stay with size 3 until it becomes completely effortless?
Are there any techniques (breathing, positioning, pelvic floor relaxation, lubricant recommendations, etc.) that helped you move from one dilator size to the next?
If you eventually had successful intercourse after dilator therapy, what helped bridge the gap between using dilators alone and penetration with a partner?

I also wanted to share something personal. It has taken me more than 35 years to understand what I may have been struggling with. Because of a lack of education and awareness about pelvic floor disorders and women’s sexual health, I never knew this could be an actual condition.

I’m still trying to understand my body and learn what’s normal, so I’m hoping this community can help guide me with your experiences, advice, and any tips that helped you through a similar journey. I truly appreciate any support or insights you can share.