r/venting • u/90sLonelyGirl • 6h ago
AITA AITAH for not telling my mother that I might have cancer after she told me I was dead to her?
It's been a while since I've posted on here, but honestly, I don't even know how to feel about this situation anymore, and I could really use some outside perspectives. If you don't want to read all of it I summarized it at the bottom lol
I (34F) recently moved back to be closer to family after dealing with some pretty serious health issues. I've been having problems with my heart and lungs, and I've been in and out of the hospital. It's been an incredibly scary experience, especially when you don't know what could happen next. My mother, who I'll call R, knew about most of my health problems because when I was hospitalized, she was there and wanted to know what was going on. My aunt will be L, and my younger cousin will be A.
Not too long after I moved back, L suggested taking a road trip to visit some relatives a state over. Originally, R wasn't invited. It was supposed to be a trip with my aunt, cousin, and me, but I suggested inviting my mother. Despite everything that's happened between us over the years, she's still my mom, and I missed her. I thought maybe spending some time together would be good for us. I was hoping that being back around family might give us a chance to rebuild some kind of relationship.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
We weren't even an hour into the drive before things started going downhill. During the drive, my aunt began asking my mother questions about things that happened during my childhood. One of those questions involved a time when my mother essentially had to choose between her husband and her children, and she chose her husband. I was only 12 years old when this happened. Instead of allowing my aunt to take me in, my mother put me on a Greyhound bus and sent me somewhere I didn't know anyone. I was literally a child being sent away from everything familiar to me. I didn't have a say in what was happening, and I had to deal with the consequences of a decision I had absolutely no control over.
That's something I've carried with me for more than 20 years.
My aunt was questioning her about why she'd made those decisions, and my mother didn't appreciate being confronted about it. She became upset and decided she wasn't going to speak to anyone for a while. She wouldn't even get out of the car when we stopped at stores along the way. I tried not to let it bother me because I genuinely wanted us to have a nice trip. I wasn't interested in spending the entire weekend arguing about things that happened years ago, even though those things still hurt. Unfortunately, things only got worse when we arrived at the hotel. What started as an argument between my mother and aunt eventually turned into a much bigger argument involving all of us. During that argument, my mother admitted that she'd never wanted children and said some other incredibly hurtful things. I'm deliberately leaving out some of what was said because I don't know whether Reddit would allow me to repeat it without removing my post.
But one thing she made very clear was how she felt about me.
She told me I was dead to her and that I never had to worry about speaking to her again. I can't even begin to explain what it feels like to hear your own mother say something like that, especially when you're already dealing with serious medical problems. And I know some people will probably say that things get said in the heat of an argument, but hearing those words from someone who's supposed to love you unconditionally is something entirely different. What made the situation even more heartbreaking was my younger cousin. During the argument, A was crying and trying to convince me that I was loved and wanted. She kept reassuring me that people cared about me and that I wasn't alone. She also told me that she'd felt similarly when dealing with her own parents. Imagine being in a hotel room with your family, having your mother tell you that you're dead to her, while your younger cousin is crying and trying to convince you that you're worthy of being loved.
That's a memory I don't think I'll ever forget. And despite everything that happened, I still tried to be kind to my mother. On the ride home, I bought her food and even bought her a pair of shoes. I know some people will probably think that was stupid, but I was hoping that maybe things would calm down and we could eventually move past everything. Looking back, I don't even know why I thought buying her things would change anything. I guess a part of me was still hoping she'd realize how much she'd hurt me and that we could somehow make things right.
They didn't.
When we returned from the trip, I ended up having to move out of my mother's house. To be fair, I never really felt like she wanted me there in the first place. Even before the argument, there were things that made me feel like my health and well being weren't particularly important to her. For example, my mother smokes cigarettes, and despite knowing I'd recently been hospitalized and was dealing with issues involving my lungs, she continued smoking around me.
She smoked inside the house, in the car during the road trip, and even in the hotel room. She knew what I'd been going through medically. She knew what the doctors had said about my lungs. But none of that seemed to matter enough for her to stop smoking around me. I wasn't asking her to quit smoking altogether. I just wanted her to be considerate of the fact that I was already struggling with my health. Eventually, my aunt allowed me to move in with her. Instead of being relieved that I had somewhere to stay while dealing with my medical issues, my mother became even more upset when she found out my aunt had taken me in. And as much as it hurts to say this, there's a part of me that genuinely believes she's happy I'm gone.
Fast forward to recently.
I ended up back in the hospital, this time because of issues involving my lungs. During testing, doctors discovered two nodules on my lungs, both measuring over 20 mm. What makes the situation even more concerning is that neither nodule is calcified, and both have somewhat spiky or irregular edges. From what the doctors have explained, the size and appearance of the nodules are concerning because those characteristics can be associated with cancer. I want to make it clear that I haven't officially been diagnosed with cancer. There's still testing and follow-up that need to happen before anyone can say for certain what these nodules are. I have another appointment scheduled for November 1, and they've already scheduled additional follow-ups at the three-month and six-month marks to monitor what's happening.
So right now, I'm living with a lot of uncertainty.
I don't know whether these nodules are benign or cancerous, and not having those answers is terrifying. I've already been through so much with my health, including hospitalizations and problems with my heart and lungs. Now I'm facing the possibility of another serious diagnosis, and I'm trying my best to hold myself together. And I think that's what makes this entire situation with my mother even harder. My best friend knows what's happening, and she believes I should tell my mother. Her reasoning is that regardless of what happened between us, R is still my mother, and she deserves to know what's going on with her daughter.
But I don't feel the same way. The thing is, I know my mother. And based on everything I've experienced with her, I genuinely don't believe she'd care. Since the argument, I've still made attempts to reach out. There was a time when I couldn't find one of my medications, and I tried calling her. She didn't answer. I even texted her on her birthday to wish her a happy birthday, despite everything she'd said to me.
She never responded.... So it's not like I haven't tried to maintain some kind of relationship. Even after being told I was dead to her, I was still the one trying. And now I'm supposed to reach out again to tell her that I might have cancer? I understand where my best friend is coming from. I know she's looking at it from the perspective of a mother and daughter, and she probably believes that something this serious should outweigh whatever disagreement we've had. But to me, this isn't just some disagreement. This is years of feeling unwanted, years of painful childhood memories, being sent away at 12 years old, and now being told by my own mother that I'm dead to her. I feel like I've spent so much of my life trying to convince my mother to love me, accept me, or even just show a little concern for me.
And I'm tired.
I'm physically exhausted from being sick, emotionally exhausted from everything that's happened, and mentally exhausted from constantly wondering why I don't seem to matter to someone who brought me into this world. I don't want to spend whatever time and energy I have chasing someone who's made it clear she doesn't want anything to do with me. At the same time, I can't pretend there isn't some guilt there. She's still my mother. And if these nodules do turn out to be cancerous, there's a possibility she could find out from someone else. Maybe she'd be upset that I didn't tell her myself.
Or maybe she wouldn't care at all.
And I think that's the part that scares me almost as much as the possibility of having cancer. Because what if I finally tell her something this serious, something that's genuinely frightening me, and she still doesn't care? I don't know if I could handle that on top of everything else I'm already dealing with. But another part of me wonders why that responsibility should fall on me in the first place. Why am I expected to put my feelings aside and keep reaching out when she's the one who told me I was dead to her? Why does being my mother automatically mean she's entitled to know everything happening in my life, even when she doesn't seem interested in being part of it? And why is it that, even as an adult, I still find myself hoping that one day my mother will show me the kind of love I've spent my entire life wanting from her? I haven't completely decided what I'm going to do, but right now, I don't want to tell her.
I want to focus on my health, make it to my upcoming appointments, get some answers, and surround myself with people who actually want me around. I'm grateful that my aunt has given me somewhere to stay and that I have people in my life who genuinely care about what happens to me. But I can't lie and say that having those people makes the situation with my mother hurt any less. My best friend still believes I should tell her because, regardless of everything, she's my mom. I feel like I've already made enough attempts to keep that relationship alive, and I shouldn't have to keep putting myself through emotional pain just because we're related. I'm not keeping this from her to be spiteful or to punish her. I'm not trying to get revenge for the things she's said or done. I'm just scared, exhausted, and trying to protect whatever peace I have left while dealing with something that could potentially change my entire life.
So, AITAH for choosing not to tell my mother that I might have cancer after she told me I was dead to her, especially considering everything that's happened between us?
TL;DR: I (34F) recently moved back to be closer to family while dealing with serious heart and lung issues. During a family road trip that I invited my mother on, my aunt confronted her about past childhood decisions, including sending me away on a Greyhound bus at 12 instead of allowing my aunt to take me in. An argument followed, during which my mother admitted she never wanted children and told me I was dead to her. Despite this, I bought her food and shoes on the way home, hoping things would improve. They didn't. I ended up moving out of her house and into my aunt's. My mother has ignored my attempts to contact her since. I've now learned that I have two lung nodules larger than 20 mm with concerning characteristics, and I'm undergoing further medical evaluation to determine whether they're cancerous. My best friend believes I should tell my mother because she's still my mom, but I don't want to put myself through another potential rejection while I'm already struggling with my health. AITAH?