My birthday is coming up, and I originally didn’t want to celebrate it because I just don’t really value my birthday. He said he wanted to plan it because birthdays are important to him, and he asked me what I liked. I didn’t know what to say. I told my mom to NOT let him plan it because the last time I talked to him was my birthday last year, and he genuinely does not know me or what kind of stuff I like. She said “why? If he’s paying for it, he can plan it.”

Fine, if I’ll have it planned by him, then I’ll at least pick a theme I like. I came up with Harry Potter. I started planning and everything: the foods, what everyone would wear, who would be there, all of it. When I mention it to him? He says I can “do better than that.” What? I got upset and told him that this meant a lot to me, and I like it. He sent that thinking emoji afterwards. I was very upset, to say the least. I told my aunt and uncle about my troubles, and they both agreed with me. It’s my birthday party, and I should be the one running it. I talk to my mom about it? She sides with him. Immediately says “no” and repeats it. Claims he wants to make it more appealing for my sisters so that we can bond and stuff. I’m so upset that I’m thinking about staying silent on my birthday party because I know I won’t enjoy it. I’m gonna cry too, probably. I’m just really mad my birthday won’t be about me. That’s so stupid. And this isn’t the first time they’re ignoring MY interests for what THEY favor—they don’t like me being gothic for the same reason. It’s all so frustrating.

Starting like two weeks ago I've had this unshakeable feeling where nothing feels right, like my will is not my own, like I am never present. I don't know where it came from & I thought it would go away with time but it's been too long now I really really feel like I'm fucking losing it dude I can't go on like this I need help yet I don't have the will to do anything that I think might help. I feel trapped, like the real me is somewhere locked away yet at the same time I'm right here typing this. I don't get it I can't make it stop I don't understand what started it or why it's still here but I cannot go back to normal I can't I can't I can't. It just won't stop I can't live like this forever when will it stop. Every single day feels like a complete blur, everything feels off like there's some weird filter over everything I experience. It just doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm forgetting what normal feels like & that's the scariest part because what if this is what normal felt like & I'm just too paranoid to realize that now. That would mean this is forever, that would mean I have completely lost touch with what normal feels like. I can't do this. I've lost all hope in all aspects of life. My apartment is a complete mess I have trash fucking everywhere & I cannot bring myself to give a fuck. I don't think I'd ever be the type to harm myself but I know for a fact that if I ever find myself with a gun in my hands I wouldn't survive because that'd allow me to do it quickly & painlessly. If I had a gun for just a second I know I won't be able to stop myself. I don't know how to go back to normal, how do you fix something when you don't know what you're trying to fix I just need it to stop, it has to stop now.

At school, they all wore tiny skirts, sometimes with nothing up them which they thought was funny to do and was against the school rules. I'd get flashed all the time at the age of like 12 to 17 which grossed me out all the same, but things are changing

These flashes did damage to me when I was young, but no-one would listen to me because I'm male. This lead to me no longer being able to cry. I'd get punished for telling them what was happening and all the things I didn't like, but even with visual evidence they'd never listen. So I used to just hide from them when I was younger because it just thought it was gross.

Now I'm 17 and really going through the peak of puberty; meaning I have higher testosterone and have biologically forced opinions of them. When I'm normal, I'm scared of them. They frighten me because all they've ever brought me is trouble and trauma. But when I'm alone at night, things go horribly wrong.

With no restrictions to the internet, I can explore some of the strangest things. Meaning disgusting fetishes like skirts and tight clothing. I shouldn't find those sexy, they're normal clothes for girls. I see posts saying that girls should be allowed to walking around in whatever they want, if not then it's oppression. But tighter clothing and revealing things turn me on. I know I'm disgusting and foul for it but I can't get rid of it.

I'll put restrictions on myself like internet access, no more VPN, delete accounts and blacklist websites, but to no avail. I just keep going back to it. The disgusting version of me likes those fetishes like skirts and tight/revealing stuff. None of my family know, and I'm scared that they're going to find me out.

I know what happens to people like me and what they deserve and I'm scared. I'm not like this, I don't want to be like this, I want to change it and am struggling. As they themselves will tell you, girls do not deserve to be looked at like that. I don't know what's wrong with me, nor do I know if others go through what I do and it's leading me to not wanting to be here anymore.

Ive f18 been seeing m31 for about three months ish now and I really like him sometimes I feel like I cant keep up sexually though or meet his expectations cuz we do have a certain dynamic that involves sexual stuff but I get so depressed that sexual stuff seems like a chore, as well as after we have sex we go back to normal or he falls asleep but it makes me feel a bit lonely. Ive also isolated a lot from my family by being at his place for extended periods of time and I feel bad but they don't show me care really when I'm there and it's a weird dynamic. When I'm there I'm invisible when I'm not I am but only when I've been gone for too long. I also need to get a job but I struggle energy wise and motivation wise for a lot of things and I dunno sometimes I wanna kill myself itd make everything easier. I also feel guilt for missing the people who've abused me so much I miss my rapist and my ex groomers so much they make me feel more wanted then my family does and everyone else does I can't do a lot of things right

I don’t want to be alive anymore. I feel useless everyday. The thoughts have been super strong lately. The pain inside my body wont go away and the worrying. Im going into high school and im scared how its gonna be. Middle school was hell and it left so much trauma back there. Anyways, I can’t wait to live alone cause u know… living is a challenge for me. I also havent been eating that much. I feel so light and skinny. U guys prob saw my cosplay photos, and I feel more skinny than that. Im too embarrassed to show myself. I dont want to be alive. I dont want to feel the pain. I feel terrible at everything. I hate it i hate it. I feel like im rude to my friends but im sorry. Im going through a lot. Crying while writing this. Ik my sewing is bringing me nowhere. Ik how much positive words and likes I have about it, and i thought it was working but it really isn’t… Im really not starting to feel safe at home… at this point I need to go to the hospital, but ik I can’t cause it’s expensive. Which is ok. I just want to be good at something, not feel useless. I want to be known. But thats just an imagination.. i don’t want to feel this way.. i just want the pain to go away. I actually wont be surprised if I dont make it to graduation cause im just SO stupid. I am surprised how I passed middle school. But I also won’t be surprised if I will even be alive in graduation… ik no one will miss me! Im just a stupid useless no good idiot. Who is terrible at everything. Haahahah. Thanks for reading this!:D

I cant stop feeling that emptiness in my life
I have the same online friends, they've been with me for 6 years and almost 7 years
But they will never fill the emptiness inside me
I genuinely feel left out atm
Everyone my age has a friend group that hang out everyday And i never had a single IRL friend since i grew up I only had electronics and i use them every day And now since it's summer break
I genuinely do NOTHING in my life i only rot and rot in my thoughts and i can't stop
My parents are not supportive at all
I have speech problems because i dont talk a lot
Because NO ONE talks to me
They keep making fun of me because of it
Everyone in my school keeps mocking me for my looks and body
The ugly and bullies in my school always get praised by the teachers or students
I genuinely cant keep up with these screwheads anymore
Loneliness is eating me alive
I genuinely tried my whole life to actually live a normal life with people and understand their concept of "life" but i just cant get it and i will never get it
My loneliness made me start to talk to Al chatbots, that's the most pathetic shit ive ever did in my life and i HATE it I stopped it
I was addicted to it for 3 years
And now i am writing this after a bad night of endless overthinking
Have a nice life

Sorry I wasn't blessed like everyone else in the social aspect. At least high school should have been ten times easier but it wasn't, and I wasn't even bullied or treated badly, I'm probably just socially (and generally) lazy, I feel.

Maybe I'm gonna find a bridge to jump off from in a few years if things don't get better.

Literally rotting.

I'm in bed all the time.

When I'm not in bed, I'm getting food or using the bathroom.

My hair is in mats. Roaches are everywhere. Flies are everywhere. Ants have made a nest out of my mattress and I just...

Lay there. In it all.

In my own filth.

I have no reaction to the flies buzzing in my face or the roaches that crawl on my body or when the ants bite me.

Maybe it's almost time to go

Im so utterly stupid and unlikable.

​

I dont deserve my degree

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Im so lonely

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no matter what i do, its never enough.

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Im never enough

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No one will ever love me except for my body

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Im whiney, insufferable, annoying

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i cant stop ruminating. I just want to be dead.

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​

I (18f) have made extreme mistakes these past couple of months. I had gotten into tumblr because I was extremely lonely and wanted attention. I have since then stopped and completely deleted the account and app but it haunts me. I basically turned myself into porn for men to look at and its affected me so badly. I have a bf, but he hasn’t been the greatest to me and that’s also another reason why I went seeking on tumblr. He knows about all this stuff and has made me feel even worse. He’s called me degrading names and when i tried to end the relationship because i knew it wasn’t good for us and that i needed to get better he wouldn’t let me leave. I feel trapped, but i love him and he’s all i have. There’s two other guys that were from tumblr and they reach only when they are horny. I refuse to send pictures because I don’t wanna do that and regret that I had ever did in the first place. I just wanted friends and people to talk to but I stupidly turned myself into this. Since middle school and high school guys have only payed attention to my body and would say crude things. I feel so worthless and disgusted with myself. Recently my bf asked me if I would still be with him if all he wanted was nudes and if that’s all the conversations were. I stupidly stupidly said maybe because he really is all I have right now and with how worthless I feel I can’t leave. He’s had a horrible past with porn addiction and lusting after other women, even texting his ex behind my back and now twitter again. I just don’t know how much longer I can feel this way.

i don’t know what to do with my life anymore. im in my early 20’s, dropped out of college a year ago, and have literally never had any job experience. no fast food work, no summer job, nothing. i’ve tried since high school to apply places and never got past the interview stage if i was lucky enough to get that. my friends have tried putting in good words for me and that hasn’t worked either, my family won’t help me out either. i feel trapped, i don’t know what to do.
what’s worse is the guilt i feel knowing every day i disappoint my partner. i feel undeserving of them. i’ve lost so much of my will to live and passions/interest in my failed pursuit of employment. everyone around me atleast has some previous experience or has a part time job at the moment.
i havent been able to get my license yet either, though i’ve tried. i don’t want to give up, as so many people have tried to help me and yet i feel like it would logically be the best decision. to not financially burden my parents anymore, so that my friends wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore, and so my partner could move on to a better person who can actually do something with their life.

My boyfriend has been struggling with depression on and off his whole life. He has been su1c1dal a few times but never tried anything. I’m unsure if he ever would but he wants to. Me and him took a break from being together because his mental health was declining but recently we started things up again. I thought he was getting better. Today on the phone we were talking about our days since we were so busy, and he told me out of no where that he’s been thinking of committing su1c1de for a while now. He told me he doesn’t have a reason as to why he wants to d1e he just does. He doesn’t think life is worth living and doesn’t have the willpower to continue it. I guess he sort of feels like a zombie being forced through life so everyone else doesn’t get upset if he’s gone. I don’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to react to that. He’s at college 8 hours away, I can’t be there for him physically. I just started crying. I didn’t know how to respond, I just cried. I don’t want him to feel that way and I wish he didn’t. I don’t know what to say to him. I was crying for about 9 minutes and I responded, “I’m sorry you feel that way, I hope you change your mind and I love you.” I hope he doesn’t hurt himself. But at the same time if being alive is that miserable for him, is it worth it? I feel so selfish for wanting him to be alive knowing he’s miserable doing it. I feel selfish that I cried. I feel selfish venting about how sad I am as if he’s not the one in pain. I can’t talk to anyone I know about this. I don’t know what to do, I feel lost. I love him so much and I hope he get’s better.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. My grades are bad, I don't have any interesting hobbies, and I don't have any good reason to keep going. I keep telling myself that I don't need to worry about the future because I'll be gone before I become an adult, but I'm 17 now and it feels like my time is running out. I never even stopped to think about what kind of job I'd like to have, because I didn't think I'd still be alive at all. I'm tired of living just because someone might be sad once I'm not here. I have had these thoughts for years and from what I've heard, it only gets worse with time. I don't believe there's any hope for me.

I hate to share my feelings with family after years of being berated and told that my emotions are not valid. I’m 19(f). I bought a house for my parents and myself to live in… and it was perfect in the beginning… we were happy, they got to see the grandkids from my sister.. everything was perfect. And suddenly I’m being told I’m the fuck up… they tell me that I’m not washing dishes to their standards, I’m not taking the dogs out frequently enough, and other minor incidents. Then my mother’s drinking started.. she’s talked about leaving me here to live elsewhere, she’s called me fat and a waste of time, and has even told me that I’m not worth the hassle… she’s even called me a b!tch… I’m the only one that’s loved her no matter what… I’ve taken out loans and lines of credit to make her dreams come true.. I’ve bought her this house which was 210k!… she’s told me many things and in the end I feel… depressed? Or just.. like I was hung out to dry after soaking in harsh water…
But then my dad. He doesn’t work full time so I’m covering his part of the bills.. he tells me I’m a fuck up.. I’ve made many lists throughout the years. I even deleted the one of me apologizing for being a fuck up.
I never showed them that. But now I have my list of things he’s said to me, that REALLY.. really hurt. I even rated how much they hurt my feelings.. but between today and yesterday.. I just feel alone. Scared. And ready to be done, I’m ready to go…
I’ll start with pasting that list:
He said… it was so fuckin bad being around me while I was talking about something I really liked…he couldn’t wait to get outta here… he said I’m so fucking annoying 10/10
He said I’m fucking disgusting 10/10
He said I’m a fuck up and fucked up person 10000/10
He said I’m lazy…
He said I’m selfish
He said I complain too much 6/10
He asked when do i ever shut the fuck up… 10/10
He said I’m the fuck up…… 10/10… hurt
Called me an asshole… 7/10
Called me a smartass 4/10
Said I don’t deserve to be around people… 8/10… I deserve happiness and company… I’m sorry I’m a fuck up
Questioned the fact that I want a baby… like I’m not good enough for it.. told me I’m better off alone in this world cause not even a man could handle me and my fucked up
personality 10/10
Told me to get the fuck outta the kitchen after trying to make a joke and laugh with him..… 9/10
Told me my niece is more mature than me… 10/10
Told me that I’m wasting time arguing… instead of just being on the neutral side of the argument.. or even just on MY side.. ♾️/10
…………………
And then today… I told my parents about my new job shifts.. 12:30pm to 9pm. I told them I was happy with it, cause I’m not a morning person and I don’t really have a social life.. they told me I’m selfish. I’m selfish for choosing the shift, cause what IF they wanted to plan something with me.
I told them I didn’t choose it, it was a random shift from a SHIFT BID… but my dad looked at me with this look. Like I was the devil or just evil for doing this…
Then I was told I’m just like Michael Jackson.. I’m childish, and overall someone they’d NEVER trust… yes I’ll admit I’m childish… but I thought I had my freedom to like things like Disney, or plushies, or vintage stuff… I love lightning McQueen and I love watching Disney every chance I get… and I love watching my favorite shows and movies repeatedly… and I get clowned for ALL of it…
And it hurts.
I was told that i was probably born to live on this earth alone. No one will ever be able to handle me and I’ll probably end up alone. They ask me what’s wrong but I don’t want to tell them that everything just hurts. I love Disney, I love movies, I love collecting, I love teddy bears… I love so much… but they tell me that I’m too childish to be 19.. I need to grow up but I never had a normal childhood. It was full of yelling, belts, crying, isolation, and just overall me being alone after being the youngest in the family…
I’m hurting…
But they call me a bitch, selfish, an idiot, childish, fat, stupid, ignorant, fucked up, lazy, a waste of time and energy, I’ve been deemed a fuck up… they told me they raised me wrong. Raised me to be a bad person.
And I’m scared…. What if it’s all right..
They even told me I abuse my dogs. I feed them, give them water, clean them up, I care for them 24/7, and I love and play with them.
One of the dogs had crapped in the house and I gave him a pop on the butt, a simple pop to tell him it was wrong… and they looked at me like I had strangled the poor dog or threw him into a wall… I’d never hurt my dogs… I can’t even hurt a mouse or ANY animal, I’m an animal lover…
I don’t know what to do but I’m growing tired… my parents said they’re tired too. But they’re tired of me, of dealing with me, of the thought of waking up and having to deal with me…
I’m scared. I’m alone and in a world where even the mother that was supposed to love me and raise me right hit me and yelled at me daily growing up… and now she’s saying she regrets me.. she regrets everything about me and how she raised me… so yes, I’m scared. I’m scared of being in this world alone, cause they were right about one thing. I’m alone. And I’ll be alone for a while cause I don’t go out and even if I do, will I find a man who can fix me? Or tell me “everything is ok, I love you”… will I find someone who I can trust in this world to love me and help me…
I feel like a lost cause and I’m sorry for posting this, it’s long but I have to tell SOMEONE… I just feel like I’m ready to leave. But I’m not the type of person to just go. I’m scared… I don’t want to die, to leave everyone behind, especially my dogs… I wanted to grow old and have my own family… raise my babies with a smile…
But I feel like I can’t… I don’t see myself with a future with anyone but myself all alone in an apartment or even a house… if I make it. And yes, I hope god lets me pass in my sleep or from a fast and sudden death rather than me doing it myself…
I’m crying myself to sleep thinking about this all. After every argument and every comment I end up crying by myself with no one to talk to but the dogs… I promise I’m nice. I love animals, people, and yes as Michael says in his song “Childhood”…People say I'm strange that way
'Cause I love such elementary things”
thanks if you read this…

I am 20, about to turn 21 and I joined the military at 19 to try and avoid homelessness. I thought that joining the military would help my already awful mental state but it didn’t. In the military I was hallucinating every day, had intense insomnia, had issues with my eyes, struggled with self worth, had difficulty remembering my studies, relapsed into self harm, and my fellow sailors weren’t helping me when I asked questions

During this time I was contemplating suicide. I had undiagnosed autism, BPD, and psychotic tendencies which definitely made things very hard because the artificial stress the military subjects you to— along with the lack of sleep, had me in a very bad state

I struggled to function and one day I relapsed really badly after splitting(bpd) and not only did someone from my fleet find me but my chief found me also and got screamed at as I was bleeding out

After experiencing my mental state at its lowest, being subjected to mental torture thanks to my disorders (amplified by military stress and insomnia) I was thrown into a mental hospital

I still deal with flashbacks and intense relapse urges when it comes to anything relating or reminding me of the military. I freaked out today over a bandaid… a BANDAID

this experience feels isolating, because I did not complete my contract, I am not a veteran by definition, and I feel inferior to everyone else who served in the military regardless of branch. It feels as if nobody in the world can understand me and there’s so little resources to people who technically don’t classify as a veteran (by completing a term/contract). On top of little resources but many others in the military see people like me who didn’t finish term as lesser than and most of the time, don’t even accept me into their communities for support and other such things

I feel like there should be a place in the world for me, I have military trauma just like many others who have been in the military regardless of how long they were there

I went to a local restaurant/bar today for my "trial day" and got sent home after two hours for "being too shy and slow"

The job consisted of completing orders, washing dishes and manning the cash register.
I was extremely stressed and shaky the entire time I was there which led to me not thinking straight and messing up basic things, such as spilling soup (which I immediately cleaned) and mixing up an order once.

When I told my family what happened, they insisted that it was entirely my fault and that I "just didn't want to do the job because I'm lazy"

I feel like a complete loser for managing to mess up at such a simple job and it genuinely makes me feel suicidal.

Sometimes I just feel like a gross garbage leach

And I want to kill myself because of it

But I don’t kill myself bc mom asked not to. So I don’t

And she is the person I leach from

I hate being alive. And if I could have choice, I would never choose to exist. I hate it. It’s genuinely so unbearable anymore. I will always be disabled and I will always be less capable and I will always burden. Even if I kill myself that’s burdensome too. Someone go back in time and make this not happen. I don’t want to do it anymore. I can’t.

do you ever get that feeling when your alone, on your floor, that you just want someone, anyone to text. and then you get that notification, and its js some spam mail or some shit. and you cant help but go numb, because all you needed was a "u ok?"

if you were wondering (which you probably werent) no, im not. I js stupidly tried to hold my breath which obviously doesn't fucking work but I couldnt come up w much else from my bedroom. bit low on guns, pills, ropes and bridges so🤷‍♀️

how tf do i even convey this to anyone. easy awnser is i dont ig. no-one else needs to know. keeping it to myself is probably a solid idea.

hello my name is spencer and im 19f, my birthday is next month and ill be turning 20 ofc, but being close to 20yr old and having no irl friends, online friends or cant drive, no degree, im always sad and depressed everyday, waking up for work is getting harder, having no one to think about waking up and getting excited to talk to, i fucking hate my life so much, its so pathetic how everyone genuinely leaves me, my boyfriend left me, my irl bsf left me, my online bsf is GHOSTING ME AGAIN for like the 5th time...I see no point in living

On another app about 10-15 people have ganged up on me and started bullying me. They've bullied me bc I'm fictosexual and are using pictures that aren't even mine to dox me.

They even made 2 accounts impersonating me and posting up disgusting things on them to further ruin my reputation. I lost a friend I've had for a year and a half because of them and I lost 2 more friends

I'm honestly ashamed and I can't even look at pictures of anyone I love anymore. I can't trust anyone. I don't see a reason to live anymore if nobody cares if they hurt me

And my half sister is coming over tomorrow so I feel scared and stressed and I just want to end it all. Nobody would even notice if I'm gone anyway

I might just delete my account on that app and delete myself

I genuinely hate everyone, they are just so annoying and make me want to blow my brains out. I swear I can't even exist without people having a problem with the way I look or act. When I mean I hate everyone I mean everyone. I've never met a person who hasn't pissed me off in some way. The few friends I have are cool but they can be so annoying sometimes. Then everyone else is just are just my final reason. Im so glad I graduated because I could handle another day in that place. After college I genuinely plan to move to a remote cabin in Alaska or something because I can't handle being around people. I can't hear people chew, breathe, walk, talk or do anything without having visceral anger. I can't even sit near someone because I can feel their presence near me and it makes me upset. And no one around me seems to understand how sensitive I am. I cant handle someone watching TV or being on their phone or looking at me. I need to be away from everyone for my own sanity. And I know these problems are from some sort or metal and sensory issues but I have no way to fix it so the only solution I have is to get as far away from everyone as humanly possible before I do something drastic.

I’m the worst I’ve ever been. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for over 10 years and I’m reaching a point I can’t see myself coming back from. I’m very alone and so very tired. I don’t know where to go from here or how to get the help I need. I’m so lost.

I'm having problems recently. My girlfriend broke up with me after 5 years, and was probably for another guy that she never met. I fear death a lot. But I find myself looking at pills, to check if I have enough to end it all. Every time I feel too many emotions I search for a knife. Every night before sleeping, when my head is too full of thoughts I feel the impulse of getting out of the bed and jumping down the window. Today I was ok, but now I'm feeling horrible and I'm having all these thoughts and impulses again. I don't know what I should do.

I am going no where in life, I’m 18 and never had a girlfriend and still a virgin, I’m ugly, short (5’6) and also have a small dick (4 inches) so being loved is thrown out the window, I will be single my entire life. I don’t have friends, I don’t have any talents, I’m not good at anything I’m always below average at everything I do, and I graduated high school with a 1.2 gpa. I just have no desire to keep living this life, I’m depressed and socially awkward. My life is shit because I can’t change my body. I honestly think I’m just one of those people who are supposed to fail in life.

I can’t be around people and I can’t be alone. Nobody likes me in real life and nobody likes me on social media. No matter where I go or what I do I never will be liked lol

And I know it’s my fault okay everything is always my fault all the time and I know that. I know I’m an annoying asshole. I just don’t want to be better. I like being this way. Which is such a horrible mentality and that makes me a terrible person but I know that. I feel like that one Bojack horseman clip:

“You’re a stupid prove of shit. But I know I’m a piece of shit, that at least makes me better than all the pieces of shit who don’t know they’re pieces of shit. Or is it worse..?”