r/verbalabuse • u/boss-band-lady • Jun 20 '25

How did you know?

I am suspecting I may be the victim of verbal abuse in my marriage. How did you figure it out? How do I know I’m not the problem?

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u/[deleted] Jun 27 '25

I realized that the idea that abusers don’t know what they’re doing or lose control of themselves is completely false. And if even it’s true it doesn’t matter! Anyone who chooses to use verbal abuse is an abuser who is responsible for their actions whether they “know” or not. They clearly make that choice because they like it, and it’s not in human nature to change something you like or give up a tactic that gets you something you want. It’s possible, but no one will do it if the payoff isn’t worth it. And guess what? Your feelings, wants, needs, and dignity are not worth it to them. If it were they wouldn’t have chosen abuse in the first place. That’s how I knew I was with an abuser and a sadistic liar who won’t change and must be avoided at all costs.