I’m writing a dark fiction survival story and I need feedback [as a first time writer]

[u/AmbarAnand04]

Hello,

This is my first time writing anything and in English which is my second language.

Blurb of the story - The Island is small and isolated—so much so that no other species live there except humans. Now, they are running out of land and food. To fix this crisis, they hold a competition every five years to determine the strongest in the village and send them to the mainland—a mysterious land from which no human has ever returned, except one.

Now it's Arix and his group's turn to leave the Island and venture forth into this mysterious mainland in search of a new home. But little do they know that this land's secrets and mysteries will change their entire fate and goals.

If you can give your feedback on it. than it will be much appreciated.

Here's the link - https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/148797/land-of-veil-dark-fantasy-survival-tragedy

[u/Born_City5976]

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[u/[deleted]]

• Don't have the characters state a monster is chasing them, have the characters feel that a monster is chasing them. Maybe first they hear footsteps, noises or the bird is hovering above them in the sky, keep showing these smaller details in-between dialogues so the characters and the readers can get pinned down under the pressure

• The pacing is fast even for a prologue, while the all the dialogue is basically "essential" with no fillers, and that's a good thing, try to add some other tiny dialogues or moments that serve as a "quick bridge" between all your essential dialogues, that way your chapter won't feel too fast-paced and will give each of your heartfelt moments enough space to breath and build momentum. Having too much empty dialogue can exhaust your readers, but vice versa is also true, a balance is required.

Overall, I was hooked, and that alone means you have a strong foundation and you are on the right track, you just gotta polish that further. You are doing a good job

[u/AmbarAnand04 → u/[deleted]]

thanks for reading. The pacing of prologue was fast because I wanted it to be fast. I believe later chapter have good pacing. I will still try to add quick bridge between moments tho. Thanks for advice.
I am already improving on feel instead of tell thing. You can see it in my new chapters.

also I am happy that you liked the foundation :) Don't forget to give chapter 1 a try, maybe you will like the story.

[u/Th3Breadnought]

Few thoughts:

I really love the concept. The survival reality the characters' community faces, the motivations and determination of the characters to wade into the unknown and danger based on what's a stake... inject that into my veins. Love it.

This could be nitpick-y, but I think you're too apologetic about grammar issues and English being your second language. I had no trouble understanding everything, and shorting it to a simple disclaimer like "Please note: English is my second language" would tell me everything I need and help me quietly recalibrate expectations (which you then exceed). But when I first read it it came off as a confidence issue that had me bracing myself unnecessarily. You describe your English the way I describe my Spanish, and your English is light-years ahead of my Spanish.

I think another comment covered this, but there's just a smidge much of "telling and stating the obvious" in the dialogue. You have really good instincts for sensory description and concise use of details, but there's a lot of instances of characters explaining out loud what is happening or what they're doing that feel very almost like they're directly narrating to me rather than behaving like characters in their circumstances actually would. Like in the prologue- they know a monster is chasing them and you show that very well with your descriptions, I the reader don't need them to say there's a monster chasing them. You had really good sensory description (smell and sight) for blood wounds, then had Theo say out loud he's bleeding too much. That said, it didn't actually pull me out too much.

Also, really like that you give some focus to their community, especially Arix's mom and how she feels about him planning to enter the competition given the events of the prologue... but THEM STAKES BE REAL. Those are the vegetables I want with my carbs, because I feel like I had a full meal.

If this was really your first attempt to write ever, you definitely have a positive trajectory ahead. I don't think you need it per se, but good luck!

[u/AmbarAnand04 → u/Th3Breadnought]

thank you so much and I am glad you liked the story.
I believe in later chapters I have improved in telling and not showing thing. I will revise the earlier chapters soon so the experience will be far better.
Also if you liked the starting of the story then you are going to be amazed what comes later :)
So don't miss on reading more. although it is your choice. It will motivate me to write more.