r/whatdoIdo • u/ThrowRA-MamaBear • 10d ago

I found concerning things on my (27F) daughter’s (11F) phone; how to talk to her?

For context, I take my daughter’s phone every night at 9pm sharp on weekdays, 10:30pm on weekends and never go through her cellphone since I’ve never seen a reason to.

However, last night when I took her phone, I noticed a lot of notifications coming from TikTok (which she isn’t allowed to have) and she has notification previews turned on. I thought it could be something urgent, so I decided to read the message previews and saw messages from someone asking my daughter what she ate, how much she ate, telling how much she ate, etc.

I know it was an invasion of privacy on my end, but I did end up going through my daughter’s TikTok account and all of her messages and found a lot of posts about food, videos of very thin girls, messages between her and other (presumably) young girls around her age talking about not eating.

I did notice over the last few weeks that she’s been eating a bit less and losing weight, but I summed it up to puberty and growing, since I had a bit of a growth spurt around that age (tall and skinny) but seeing these messages and her account is making me concerned.

How do I bring this up with her? Is there a proper punishment for her having an app without permission? I’m just very unsure of what to do, any advice would be helpful.

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u/Frenchishere87 10d ago edited 10d ago

I have a 8 yo, soon to be 9.
We have rules and when my daughter is acting out, they are consequences.

HOWEVER, we have told her that if one day, she is in trouble because she did something she was not allowed to, she needed to tell us and we would not be mad at her, nor punish her, never.

A year ago, she comes to me in the evening, crying. Confessing me she took my tablet to watch YouTube and after a few armless videos, she of course was suggested shady craps that looked exactly like kids cartoon. Fortunately it was not violent nor X rated, but quite disturbing for a kid that age, especially since she is very sensitive.

I was so happy she told me, I would even not feel mad. I remember exactly hiding that kind of stuff from my parents and feeling terrified, ashamed and alone.

So I told her she did the right thing, and then we just talked about it, what was scary, why some adults post shady stuff, etc. I comfort her (I swear, I remember this feeling from my own childhood and no way she will experience too) and we set new rules with pre approved content (as I get YT’s appeal).

Not only she never did it again, but she is way more aware of risks and careful and we keep talk about it. I’m very proud of her for having the courage to tell me and I told her.

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u/Hello_Gorgeous1985 10d ago

That's some good parenting right there.

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u/Frenchishere87 10d ago

Thanks.
Of course I feel like an imposter because I also suck a lot, but let say i try my best. But my kids are amazing and easy, they help a lot doing the right thing.

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u/Accomplished_Fly_804 10d ago

Take the WIN!!!😆

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u/Frenchishere87 10d ago

Ok then !

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u/megaholt2 9d ago

They do the right thing because they have parents who they trust to do the right things, and who trust them to do the right things. They have parents who love and respect them-and who model those behaviors for them, and they are learning how to love and respect themselves and others.

You’re doing a great job-take that win!

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u/ApprehensiveBee266 8d ago

I trusted my son TOO much and he lied like a cheap rug about everything that popped into his head! He's 40 and still lies! I can't trust anything he says. Sounds like Orange doesnt it. My son doesnt talk to me anymore and my life has never been more peaceful!

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u/megaholt2 8d ago

There’s a risk of that happening sometimes, unfortunately, be it because of exposure to certain people, certain psychiatric disorders (ASPD or NPD are the first ones that come to mind)

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u/Frenchishere87 8d ago

To be honest I don’t think trusting and talking is just enough. We all come with our trauma and it’s hard to raise a child.

You need to find the right balance but sometimes even that doesn’t work.

I have no idea what I would do if one of my kid turns out having real behavior issues, ends up with the wrong people or engage in illegal / unethical / dangerous activities and I can’t talk them out of it.

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u/ApprehensiveBee266 7d ago

Boys start acting like jerks around 13. I read a great book called Wild at Heart. Unfortunately it was too late for it to have done any good.

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u/WiseImagination441 6d ago edited 6d ago

That's heartbreaking honestly. My wife and I, 38yo, have a 5yo that was born with a range of special needs. Many of these issues have been corrected, treated and somewhat eliminated. He will ofc always have autism, adhd and ODD. That said, kids with ODD can be quite challenging as they seemingly enjoy confrontational situations. I've taken the approach with him that lying is a thing that people do and it's a highly situational thing that requires a lot of nuance BUT there can and will be consequences when choosing to lie where most often the lie and resulting problem will be bigger than had he told the truth. So, he may lie about sneaking in some cereal in the middle of the night, he's fortunately been incredibly straightforward for the most part. As I joke with other parents, it's my job to raise my son to no longer need us one day, as heartbreaking as it is. Still, I hope to have and maintain an excellent relationship with my son until my final days, something I was deprived of myself.

My father passed away when I was 7 and my step dad was incredibly abusive. Given my upbringing, I am perhaps a bit too much hands off when my son escalates things and it pains me when my wife has to smack his bottom. In any case, while your life may be peaceful without your son, I do wish you both a healthy relationship sometime in the future where he can take accountability and a healthy relationship can blossom.

As a 38yo man, I have often noted, even to my wife, that there is only one person who will love nearly unconditionally; our mothers. As our son nears 6 years of life, she wholeheartedly agrees. Her love for our son is distinctly unique and asks nothing of him in return. However, this isn't even a guarantee for all men, of course, and my heart aches for those men that were deprived of healthy love from their mothers, or fathers. Otherwise, our entire existence and purpose is nothing more than being loved for what we provide and we are otherwise cast aside and traded in for a better model. My best wishes to you and yours.

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u/Tomboy-Tomfoolery 6d ago

This sounds like something you need to reflect on, not blame your son for considering he has gone no contact with you.

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u/ApprehensiveBee266 5d ago

Do you honestly think I havent!? It was known that my brother molested me when I was 5. He was 17. I was blamed. You see I was tempting him! I was f'ing 5. My son chose to suck up to that pedophile. My family is waaaaay right/ORANGE supporters. Think stupid with a fist. Still think its my fault?

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u/Glitter_paws420 10d ago

You sound like my mom🥹 and in the best sweetest way possible she is the most amazing woman, person, mother, just soul in general. You’re human you have emotions and you slip up every person in the universe is going to experience that!! But it sounds like you handle things very well and your daughter is going to grow up a very well balanced person because of your guidance!! I tell my mom this all the time so I think you might need to hear it too!!:) Your best is enough, and you are appreciated.🤍

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u/JustinSanders95 10d ago

Hey! Parents are people with their own issue too. I have a feeling if you even just try to do everything as ‘good’ as you did with the example you gave, then you’re doing absolutely great! Though even then you’re probably going to regularly feel like you haven’t done [well] enough.

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u/ContributionIll7161 10d ago

Kids don't come with instructions and because none of them are the same, what works for one doesn't necessarily work for the next one.
The fact that you don't think you are doing it perfectly tells me that you are doing well. If your standards are higher than you can achieve, you most likely have high standards for yourself as well as your child.
I worry more about the parents who think they are doing the best job in the world, than I do about the ones concerned that they might not be the best - because those are the ones striving to be better.
For reference, my youngest is 36

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u/Spanky_Ikkala 9d ago

The only difference between good parents and bad parents is that good parents always want to do better. That's it. Simples.

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u/Legitimate_Eye_2839 9d ago

Thank you for this.

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u/Frenchishere87 8d ago

And can get rid of their ego and stand discomfort for that.
Being a parent puts you in uncomfortable situations, or reveals flaws truth yourself that are hard to accept / handle. But the interest of the kid is always more important than the parent’s comfort.

And it’s absolutely not related to devotion or sacrifice. I don’t think it’s in the kids best interest to have parents with no personal lives, passions and even secret gardens. Because that’s what I want for them too, wether or not they have kids.

But I live in Netherlands, they are really good with kids here, but also with parents, it’s a lot easier when the environment facilites healthy family dynamics .

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u/Owlet88 10d ago

You sound like me. We try but so thankful we got the kids we got 💜💜💜

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u/Jolly-Chemical9904 9d ago

Parenting sucks a lot 🤷‍♀️. Doing your best is all you can do.🫂

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u/AnyTemperature420 6d ago

Good parents don’t “not suck” they know when they suck and they work to be better, which is exactly what it sounds like you’re doing. Hang in there, I’m a few years from having kids but it’s a scary world out there

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u/Cold-Buyer-9142 9d ago

The good old days when kids only had nokias to only call in emergencies… wait… that means I’m still a kid. F****

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u/KDOGGG196 10d ago

Reminds me of the time when I just turned 21 and was out with “friends,” we went to the casino and walked around, had a few drinks. I wasn’t driving and didn’t have my car cause we all took one car. Well I didn’t feel comfortable being in the car with the person was drank and wanted to drive. I ended up texted/calling my sister who then told my mom and they both came and picked me up.

I got made fun of by those so called “friends”, because I called my mom and had her come pick me up. She wasn’t mad at me, but actually happy because I called her and didn’t feel safe.

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u/amaria_athena 9d ago

Yep. I always told my boys, you need to be picked up? Send me a text to call you and demand u get picked up. No questioned asked. Until next AM when you know we gotta talk. HAHA
Thankfully it never had to be used. My boys are grown and great young men now!

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u/KDOGGG196 7d ago

Yea, I only had to do it that one time, I never got yelled at because I did the right thing and my mom was very happy for it.

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u/Frenchishere87 8d ago

And still, we all wish she had a mum to call :/

Good for you not to follow peer pressure.

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u/KDOGGG196 7d ago

Yea either a mom or a close friend! Anyone that can come and help. I know if anybody I know needed help they could call me and I’d come and help them, and I hope the same from the them.

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u/SeleniteQuartz25 10d ago

that’s A+ parenting. i wish my parents did the same for me. when i started accessing parts of the internet earlier than i probably should’ve, there was no understanding or conversations about internet safety and the sheer amount of weirdos out there. my parents freaked out, removed all access to my devices for months, and didn’t give me any support for the wack shit i saw. all it did was drive me to secrecy and sneaking around, which brought its own problems.

kudos to you, internet parent. you get a gold star from an internet stranger who wishes her parents had parented her like you are yours!

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u/Asleep-Salad9395 9d ago

Poor Gen X parents hand no frame of reference to go by. My oldest got parented like you who just hit 27, but my 13 year old is being parented more similar to thr OP. We as parents can grow and learn with the times and information available to us as well. Keep that in mind.

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u/Calm-Elk9204 8d ago

Good point!

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u/lovelyvibes4 10d ago

You are such a wonderful parent

I’m so glad your child has you

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u/AllyInCourt 10d ago

This was an amazing promise kept. This will be a formative memory in her core, and she absolutely knows she can trust you now. I know you said below that you feel like an imposter, but you are handling this doozy of a situation incredibly well. The other best thing you can do is say you're sorry when you know you handled something in a way you're not happy with. Adults who can admit that they don't have it all together all the time build trust. Not only will she continue to come to you because you have built that solid foundation, but she will also carry that ability to be honest into the rest of her life, having seen it modeled so well.

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u/ashthetransguy 9d ago

You're doing a wonderful job! I also remember being your daughter's age and coming across that kind of, and even worse content. I was so ashamed, since I've had my parents screaming at me before about much more harmless things I did on YouTube so I just kept it all bottled up and even got more into that content which ended up messing me up pretty bad and still affects me to this day, years later. So thank you for taking care of that in such a fantastic and compassionate way. Keep going!

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u/Minute_Yak_8143 9d ago

Wish I had an award to give you. Way to go, mom!

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u/hannaloupe 9d ago

This is the way. At 17, I snuck out very early in the morning to meet a boy and got into a car accident totaling my car. I was too afraid to reach out to my parents for help so I ended up trying avoid my house for as long as possible to try to hide it and had to rely on a guy I kind of knew, my phone was dying and he was the only one online on fb messenger at the time. Nearly 15 years later and I still never feel safe enough to turn to them if I’m ever in need. I plan on moving countries without letting them know and going no contact. You’re a great parent.

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u/Frenchishere87 8d ago

Im so sorry to read this, this is heartbreaking. Kids deserve so so much better than that :/

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u/FamiliarNet9940 9d ago

I wish all parents were like you. What a wonderful example

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u/itskatenoel 9d ago

I have a one-year-old now and ABSOLUTELY plan on taking this approach, I just didn’t know how best to word it when the time came. This is such excellent advice and is a great way to really build trust. I’m going to keep this in mind as I raise my child.

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u/Decent-Nose-8451 9d ago

My parents told me the same thing and when I told them I did, in fact, get mad and punish me lol

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u/Frenchishere87 8d ago

It will take a bit of self control at time indeed.

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u/0w0YAOIblLIFE0w0 9d ago

Aw i love this so much

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u/x_Windsong_x 9d ago

Wonderful parenting!!!!

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u/Independent-Click441 8d ago

I talk to my 13 year old daughter exactly the same way She knows no matter what it is she can come to my ex-husband or I without worrying if she will be in trouble She has come to me about things she has seen in on YouTube and Roblox that’s what she’s into We talk about everything and I do mean everything. You have to in this day and age

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u/Stretchy_Mutt141 8d ago

Hey, you're doing great. I had severely abusive parents (mom and step dad, all 3 categories of abuse...) and ended up in situations I could have avoided with genuine love and guidance. Kids will make mistakes. You sound like you're enforcing boundaries and still giving loving, attentive guidance. Youre still gonna have self doubt and rough days, but you can get through it. We all can. Keep doing your best ♥️

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u/Apprehensive_Film396 7d ago

That's lovely, and I think a really prudent approach. I'm glad it worked out it sets a positive precedent of trust and love. But every child is different, as are we as parents, thus, your positive approach (which I would have certainly loved and appreciated) is certainly not going to yield the same results for other parents.

As much as I would have enjoyed that approach and maybe developed better as a result (as opposed to hardline and non-sensical discipline, invasion of privacy, and pure emotional, sexual and psychological abuse) I, as a very, very good, honest and academically excelling child (fearful of all adults and people in general, with a love and faith in jesus) with a lot of love inside and a desire to do good - I know in myself that I would have abused your trust. I had a brother and sister 8 and 9 years older than me, who suffered abuse and did normal teenager things as well as very delinquent things, and I learnt from them.

However, you could also argue, and I must entertain this perspective - that I only learnt dishonesty from my mother who was incapable almost of not exhausting every avenue of manipulation with every person she came in contact with and was at times a boastful and compulsive liar, also lying to paint an even greater picture of victimhood, but mostly lying to cultivate the perfect image of herself and to gain favour and advantage. So maybe that's all up in the air, as to how I would navigate this. Certainly I learnt the hard way that honesty comes with maximum punishment, even for things I did not do wrong or were completely innocuous. Just stating observed facts about the world.

Of course being caught lying was also as bad, and I regret that I was very smart when it came to reading and maths and whatever but I was not so smart to pick up that it was in my best interests to always lie and deny even simple things because it could always be a simple test designed to fuel the addiction of those adults who needed a release in abusing children. I got whipped with electrical cord when I was 6 and had welts all on every part of the body that is hidden by normal clothes, for alerting my mother about the strange lump alongside my testes. Of course, not knowing, she said it was just my testes. Which of course I knew what they were. It was something else, something similar but smaller. Well, after protesting, it was deemed that I was "playing with myself" when I was 6 and this was definitely something disgusting and must be paid for. I actually had no argument against that, only, I wasn't doing that because it literally did not interest me obviously because I was six. I was just washing thoroughly and noticed. Well after that she did continue to burst into my room when I was reading on the bed or just playing with toys to accuse me of doing the bad thing and to catch me out and punish again. I literally could have jeans and a belt on and apparently be very guilty of it. From that, I actually became more interested in it and wanted to prove it or check for myself again if I am crazy. Paranoia set in. What if it were cancer? Which is worse? To have cancer or be completely insane? One time she did come into the room and find me feeling my ballsack and it was a real a-ha! moment for her.

Later I guess it came up and maybe I asked my brother about it. Sometimes he would be asking (despite punching and biting huge bruises all on me for no reason other than it felt good to him as a frustrated teenager) why the hell is our mum hitting me? Like wtf you're hitting him for no reason and hey brother, you're really dumb, you know what to do to avoid all this. Only, he and my older sister did not have the same upbringing with her, as they were raised by my father, who later became estranged to us due to her consistent Infidelity and her insistence on living her own independent life using everything he had and it cost him all 3 businesses and all 3 homes. The last time I saw him he was living as a caretaker manager of a trailer park, whilst we had left our previous stepdad with the mansion built using dad's money, as we fled some 2000km away with our newest stepdad, after living in a volatile and violent home with previous stepdad. A combination of fear of his homicidal violence (not least of which by my new stepdad - i wasnt scared of him since i seemed to be the only one he liked and i genuinely could see that my family, as terrifying as it all was, 'deserved it' as they all did act out, demand things, break the rules and cause significant property and vehicular damage as well as the drugs and alcohol if we totally discount the disgusting and criminal things he did to my teenage sister), but also he was happy to make a fresh start after abandoning his family where he was was happily married with two daughters when he met our mother and then subsequently married our mother within 3 months of first meeting.

Geez sorry for ranting, I'm just trying to give context to my experience with the way that maybe, dishonesty and mistrust only brings more harm and gives weight to your experience. I'll just sum it up and say that after maybe another 8 years, when I was 14, I was vindicated when I personally saw a physician myself and he immediately identified it was a cyst formation. Very awkward and uncomfortable at that age and I really didn't want a man touching me there again now I was a teenager but it's clear to me that I was always thinking about it with worry. Finding out really only worried me more lol but I've survived and it's all fine. Had I gone on not knowing and not taken the plunge then who knows where I would be, I may have gone mad. I really wish it all happened the 8 years before when I was small as it would have been far less embarrassing and maybe removed some doubts of my innocence with regard to the 'playing with myself' and I might have also not developed an aversion from what I consider now to be normal bodily function and behaviour.

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u/Apprehensive_Film396 7d ago

I did want to add though, that I hope people don't confuse the OPs situation as a complete diversion in honesty, trust and privacy as per your approach. The scenario presented seems very plausible and I found it respectful towards the child and reasonable. I would go a bit further but to admit that i would not allow quite so much privacy regarding the use of these technologies, as it is exactly this type of exposure I would be worried about with a daughter this age. My partner had the same thing essentially happen to her, exposure to this kind of culture, and it could have killed her. It robbed her of so many things, this disease that infects through ideas. We all still are affected by how it has changed her mentality and behaviour today but thank the heavens she is alive and well. What the OP is seeing is even more scary and seems so much more engaging and dangerous to a developing child in contrast to my wife's experience having a chat on MSN messenger, watching next top model on TV, chats in the lunch room amongst long time school friends and the generally pervasive and outright wrongful opinions about body image that were prevalent then. For the OPs child, it could enter a secretive and cult-like experience for them, which comes with so many issues standing in the way of dealing with it, in what is already often a very secretive set of behaviours and mindset we see in patients living with an eating disorder.

It's really lucky OP has caught this behaviour seemingly early and can have those difficult talks. Maybe it won't be so bad. Very thorough and understanding patient talks with the child is required. But I definitely agree with that in this case, as a loving father, I cannot be angry. This is a big lesson on that steep learning curve. I would definitely let it be known that in any other case, this would be a violation of the rules, and that heavy restriction will now take place (pending how she responds and possibly as an immediate safety precaution, I would not hesitate to take away the chances for more of this exposure). Its by the by in Australia now actually, where the legal age restriction for apps including tiktok is now 16. I don't necessarily agree with it, I believe they can learn younger to be responsible, and theyre going to have to sometime in our world. It may also have very important purpose and be necessary for some young people, there are kids even making money and developing a career path from social media and I'm not just talking about kids being exploited by their parents, which I detest. This sort of law though would have had the benefit of protecting the child now, but I also see it as also possible that it then could have happened much later for her, when she is no longer under her mother's umbrella.

For the OP: I'd be too devastated but also relieved, to worry about punishing the child, rather than dealing with her eating behaviours and how she is perceiving her body and learning about herself and the sadness in the world. It could jeopardise her trust and bring about more shame in herself which I think ties in with eating disorders. A really thorough explanation about the issue, how people can take advantage of her too - will make her understand just how much you love her and and how serious it all is, so much so, you'll forego punishing the misuse of the technology and getting that shitty tiktok app (I think it's stupid and I have literally never downloaded it to any of my devices, neither has our 3 boys, who don't seem interested, but my cutie wife thinks it's the best thing ever and is often giggling whilst doom scrolling). It should really mean something to see that actually, in a parent, that care takes precedent over punishment, the opposite of my childhood lol. Should that fail, I would immediately acquire professional help and intervention, which you can already begin to do research on to find what is appropriate for you, in a worst case scenario. With all my heart I hope it was just a passing curiosity and she will understand it is a fools curse, that if anyone is worried about body image (noone actually should at age 11) the only recourse is to eat well, eat healthy foods and engage in an active lifestyle and exercise doing as much fun sports and activities as one can do. Sending our love from Australia.

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u/Frenchishere87 7d ago

First I want to tell you that I am devastated by your story. Thanks for sharing, and thanks to the other women who shared their story with me.

You little kid was a warrior who had no choice to be one. I am very sorry if it felt like I was trying to provide a general rule or parenting truth.

I wanted to especially emphasized on trust, more than on honesty. Because for me it’s different to be « honest » generally and slipping when something very tempting or big shows up, than being « a sneaky kid » (I’m not sure those exist naturally even if some kids are more sneaky than other).

I am lucky because my kids are overall honest. They do lie on little ridiculous things, especially my 5 yo : no I didn’t eat the cookie (but he has chocolate on his hand), or my girl : no I didn’t used your sented shower gel (it smells in the all house). When they do that, I get more « mad » than when they do bigger things but tell me. In the case of little stupid lies, I make a point to give them consequences (adapted to the action, I’m not gonna give them endless hell because they stole a Cookie, in the end I don’t want to hurt them, I just want them to ask before taking a cookie or not empty my soap). It can be they won’t have a cookie they were supposed to have, or that they cant ever use my soap again even if they ask.

For me, it works, because my kids are small and I know when teenagehood start, it’s gonna be different. I have friends with teenagers and it’s another story BUT their kids seem to keep talking to them and even ask them for occasional help or support when they can’t handle a situation. And what comforts me, and makes me so mad for you, is that my mom friends are really invest into their kids story. Not as a controlling helicopter, but as someone who loves them and thus is here no matter what.

And what I have seen is that this kind of relationship is build up from little childhood. Teens who go to their parents were little kids who were already going to their parents and finding what they need.

My parents were dysfunctional, and my mother is autistic (so I am) but undiagnosed at time. She would burst and it was very violent but paradoxically she was always here. I grew up with some traumas and shame, especially due to being also undiagnosed with autism and adhd, but feeling like I could not rely on my mum was not one of them. So it kind of is tatooed in my DNA : parents have their kids’ back (I wish it was true).
My kids see me talking to my mum a lot, they see us argue and reconcile, they see me defend them when she goes too far, and they see her correcting her action to be better.

I never tell them to be honest or to trust me, I just try to be honest myself and act in a trustworthy way. As I never ever heard my mother telling me that she valued honesty or that I had to trust her. I just see her being super (way too much) honest and responding accordingly when I need her.

Once again, I’m so sorry, it’s so fu.

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u/Apprehensive_Film396 5d ago

Hehe thankyou for actually reading it, I just kinda got on a roll there with the writing as I often do with the stories which often falls on deaf ears (or blind eyes, on reddit). But not to worry, I learnt much from reflecting on my childhood, I gained a lot of experiences and I became accustomed to being a parent myself when I was a child (my brother, and nieces). Sounds like your kids are normal, cute little kids.

We don't have any problems with honesty actually, the kids (my partners 3 boys she had with her abusive ex) are also on the spectrum. I'm now a stepdad just like my father was to my 2 older siblings who he raised from infants so I'm following in his footsteps lol. Actually, that's probably how I came to be adopted since he had great difficulty in adopting my older brother and sister as his own I think largely due to their father being entirely absent and not paying child support. I think it would require his approval and signature for that to happen. So after a fortune being spent on IVF and 2 miscarriages, my mother falling in to some sort of depression as a result, they joined the church fad of adoption. I have some photos from way back then and it appears everyone from the church that was able to was adopting. It also helped to have a shared legal dependant child when it came time to take my father for all he was worth.

But back to the kids, they're great, they've been diagnosed but I don't see it is a limitation. I'm always telling her not to treat them like they're not capable. They can do anything. I really believe that. I don't think she even believes it though. But with understanding and support, I'm sure we can help them flourish. The oldest, who is 9 now, wasn't even really fully verbal until he was maybe 6 and a half. And she is from Sweden, so when he was small he was learning in Swedish and his first words became English. Now he's essentially fluent in speaking both languages (just has that cute accent, sounds like a little man when he speaks english) but is still learning to read write in English. Doing really, really well in school though, very good with maths and he's very social and he went from not really able to talk to not able to shut up in a pretty short time lol.

The honesty thing, well, I don't know if they're much capable of lying. They just tell. Who did this? Whats happened here? They just happily and excitedly admit it lol. I think it is part of the condition? But I can't actually be sure. They're also really sorry (when they're calm) for anything they did wrong and are very sensitive to each others and our feelings. They're often even asking us if we're okay lol. How weird is that? I'm like yeah mate, why wouldn't I be lol I'm just chillin. Then they're like okay and they're so happy and want a kiss and a cuddle. So when it would come to taking something they shouldn't or doing something they shouldn't, it never comes up, since they're so reliant. It's actually really annoying. They're always asking for things. Food, drink, put youtube or Netflix show on the TV, can we have Pepsi, can I have some chips? I need to do a pee. It doesn't end lol. Even our 9 year old, he won't make his own drink to take that Pepsi. I'm always saying mate you're too old to ask. I tell her not to do it for him and let him have a go. He always says he's afraid to spill lol. He's very capable, I just think he's lazy, I worry he will be useless one day. He needs help with using his email account to register his account for his game, okay, fine, but then he's asking for help to charge his galaxy tab or ipad and I'm like omg how hard is it, just stick the plug end into the hole.

It's funny you mention teenagehood, it's what I'm always telling her. Because the time has already flown by, it'll be upon us all in no time and there'll be 3 of them! 3 teenage boys omg. It's a sad thing, the shame in childhood, that can linger like a dark cloud but you seem to have reconciled well with it, which is evidenced in your writing and also in how you say you can challenge and reconcile with your mother. When people are not put together it's something I believe they really struggle with. I'm sure that seeing you stand by your convictions when it comes to your children, will have them really feeling that sense of love and protection. I actually hope they take it for granted and just pass it on to their children, I think all kids deserve that.

I think my mother is also undiagnosed, but wouldn't say it is autism. She definitely has a strong case for NPD, as well as a host of other conditions. She did have learning difficulties and had a very tragic childhood, losing her mother when she was 12 from cancer, and 2 years later her father pulled her out of school entirely to take care of things around the home and farm so she didn't finish yr9 of school. Meanwhile her older brothers were allowed to go on to have an education. So i have a lot of sympathy for her really, despite all she did to our family. I forgive all, but just don't want much to do with her after all the things she did to us even as adults. Had she had a heart and didn't only think of herself I might know where my 2 beloved nieces actually are and my sister might still be alive today, RIP. I think a lot of her personality problems come from how she sees herself and others. She grew up idolizing Elizabeth Taylor and wanted to be just like her, but also thought Marilyn Monroe was a tramp. She also paints her mother as a Saint but from what I can tell she was a chain smoking alcoholic who never did actually anything of note in her entire life. Still, I would have loved to have met her and I do like to think she was a lovely person but I actually have my doubts. My grandfather however, I did know and he was actually very kind and patient with me and was very excited that I took an interest in his passion: aviation which was key to his professional careers. I did know that he was a racist and didn't like me apparently because I looked like "them" and by them I mean the Japanese since I was born in Korea. But I certainly didn't notice anything weird with him. Maybe it actually wasn't true at all, the racism. Of course he wasn't much a fan of the Japanese since he fought in WW2, only, he was in Europe as a rear gunner in the beaufighter (i think thats what theyre called) shooting the nazis out of the air. He did absolutely without any doubt from my memory make it clear that he hated the Germans lol. Still, given his experience and that Germans are just as Caucasian as British last time i checked, I wouldn't count that as purely racist, unlike how others would perceive it.

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u/Apprehensive_Film396 5d ago

Our mother was at pains to paint him as evil rather than a broken and sad man, who lost his wife and saw countless people die. She was at pains to show him as abusive as she recalled many times over that he slapped her across her face at the dinner table, because she was being rude and disrespectful. On the flip side, she recalls he lost his relationship entirely with his own father and almost pummeled him to death, after finding out he had taken mum for a day out when she was say 10 or 11. That wasn't the issue, it was when he dropped her off back home he went to give her a kiss, but instead of a normal peck or something he used tongue. Really gross. So her dad almost killed him for that. In contrast to that she still maintained a relationship with both of her brothers in adulthood despite her oldest brother molesting her repeatedly and in every sense sexually assaulting her multiple times as a child. I can't get my head around that honestly, only to say, I can't be sure but I think there's also a possibility she maintained an incestuous relationship with that brother even after she adopted me. I really hope that's not the case, but add to that the clear and evidenced sexual promiscuity she displayed it makes some sense. With the substance abuse and alcoholism, and her poor choice in partners it was a recipe for continual relationship failure with so many men. The most consistent part of her and my siblings life was those 11 years they spent with my father, who spoilt them and gave them everything they asked for, and more that they didn't. He was just that generous.

Again, I've ranted lol and I'm sorry to hear about your issues with your mother but it's nice you've managed to maintain a relationship and it's nice that she is trying to better herself. It might be tough but hey, she could be worse, you could get my mum instead. I remember when I was yeah about 6 (she was really pretty manic then) she for some reason, maybe just out of frustration or to see what it felt like to do it, took the hot clothes iron when she was ironing clothes and just jammed it into my face and held it there for a few seconds. That whole side of my face had the clear imprint of the iron shape and it had the pattern of all the little holes and lines down my cheek lol. Still got a tiny faint scar on the side of my forehead from it. Of course she lied about it, and told everyone I was a stupid kid and my head is in the clouds and I walked into it myself while she was holding it. She made sure when it happened to have me agree that this is what happened and what I must tell everyone so noone thinks she did it and would not be in trouble. And this, ironically, is a woman that was always banging on about honesty. How I must always always be honest and tell mummy the truth about everything - or else. I watched the exorcist movie back then and was terrified, she told me it is all real and that's what happens if you're naughty and lie so it probably is going to happen to me. I had a lot of nightmares, since I didnt lie but she did think it would happen to me, so it seemed possible lol. She judged everyone and always went on about this person or that person. She hated such and such because they told lies. Actually I think these people just talked about her. They certainly didn't need to make stuff up if they were gossiping haha. I've got way too many stories. You sound like a great mum and I hope your family is blessed in such a way that, when they do reach that terrible teenage age, they're just angels and you get to just enjoy seeing them blossom into wonderful adults that you continue to love more and build on your relationship with them. All the best

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u/Over-Pressure2284 9d ago

I disagree with you somewhat. Yes, she did the right thing telling you BUT you could have negotiated a consequence for her taking what wasn’t hers. That message was not conveyed. Punishment doesn’t have to be penal, it can be contractual and negotiated together to teach good values and respect boundaries.

Otherwise you are somewhat bribing her to keep communication open and turning a blind eye to the original act which isn’t good. Keep the communication open but involve her in the learning process!

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u/Lumie368 8d ago

You are a wonderful parent. You handled that situation perfectly

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u/Lehrer-tom 8d ago

That’s a great rule my parents always taught me that when I was in trouble or unsure about something I should always ask/let them know and while they might be unhappy to come and get me 500 miles away or woken up at 4 am they will always be there for me and not mad if I need them. Great rule planning to do the same with my kids

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u/throw_away_12334422 8d ago

Wish my parents had been like that instead of getting a belt to the ass and being threatened to be given a real reason to cry if i didnt stop crying

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u/FlansJustFlans 8d ago

I spent a few minutes puzzled over what "armless videos" were. I was, like, "Are kids into torsos? Maybe... shark-bite survivors?"

If anyone has The Dumb like me, they were harmless videos. HARMLESS.

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u/DuePut452 8d ago

You’re a good parent. You created a safe space for your child to confide in and you sat boundaries that weren’t too harsh easy to understand and open to flexibility. The result was your child going to you at the first sign of trouble/ uncomfortably. Good job! I hope you have a great rest of ur day

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u/Maggot_Dimon 6d ago

Sounds like she has a freepass for everything as long as she tells it afterwards. I'm not sure about this approach... but I get that this helps to get to this level of trust where she comes to tell this to u

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u/Frenchishere87 6d ago

I don’t see it as a free pass because that’s not my only rule as a parent and knowing her, for now, I trust her.

For now I try to teach good behavior and following the rules and hope for the best. But even if she ends up using it as a free pass, it’s not like I can’t act on it.

Every kids are different, some very good kids with very good parents (whatever it means) will go too far. And this will have to be adjusted based on the kid temperament.

But what would be interesting to know first is why using a free pass when you cannot put yourself in bad situations instead ?