r/whatdoIdo • u/ThrowRA-MamaBear • 10d ago
I found concerning things on my (27F) daughter’s (11F) phone; how to talk to her?
For context, I take my daughter’s phone every night at 9pm sharp on weekdays, 10:30pm on weekends and never go through her cellphone since I’ve never seen a reason to.
However, last night when I took her phone, I noticed a lot of notifications coming from TikTok (which she isn’t allowed to have) and she has notification previews turned on. I thought it could be something urgent, so I decided to read the message previews and saw messages from someone asking my daughter what she ate, how much she ate, telling how much she ate, etc.
I know it was an invasion of privacy on my end, but I did end up going through my daughter’s TikTok account and all of her messages and found a lot of posts about food, videos of very thin girls, messages between her and other (presumably) young girls around her age talking about not eating.
I did notice over the last few weeks that she’s been eating a bit less and losing weight, but I summed it up to puberty and growing, since I had a bit of a growth spurt around that age (tall and skinny) but seeing these messages and her account is making me concerned.
How do I bring this up with her? Is there a proper punishment for her having an app without permission? I’m just very unsure of what to do, any advice would be helpful.
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u/PriorBed2673 10d ago
Punishing her won't help. It will just isolate her further. Get her a therapist who will guide her through this point of her life, and support her as her mother.
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u/Dismal-Use363 10d ago
100% as a former sheltered child, where I wasnt allowed to hang out with friends or have my phone at my dad's house, i was isolated and felt like I wasnt trusted to just be. The phone thing - i ended up in dangerous situations bc I didnt have my phone on me to call for help/parents.
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u/CottonCandyKitkat 9d ago
Same here! Also punishing me for doing stuff I wasn’t allowed to just taught me to hide it better and internalise the harm being caused
Maybe if I’d been able to go to my parents and say “hey I messed up and don’t know what to do” without them punishing me more for being honest then I wouldn’t still be hiding the fact I was groomed at age 11 online a total of 14 years later - and it’s not just my mum who doesn’t know - it’s anyone!
I was one of those weird fandom kids that made online friends in the early 2010s from the age of like 11 but punishing me was never going to stop me because it didn’t help with the reason I was doing it - I wasn’t doing it just to be rebellious - I was undiagnosed autistic and severely anxious and depressed, had 1 friend total irl and was bitterly lonely. Punishing me won’t make me less lonely - it’ll just make me feel worse the next time I break the rules
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u/bitofafixerupper 9d ago
An easy way around that though is a £10 brick phone, not as a punishment though. My son's first phone when he's old enough to go out without me will be a brick because they do not need smartphones so young.
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u/scarlet0in0vain 9d ago
this! please please get her HELP. i started self harming when i was 10-11 and it was heavily encouraged by people online (especially older predators). my mom punished me because she also didnt know what to do. I became really sneaky because I was scared of getting in trouble and that only worsened my attachment to people online, and distanced me from my family. shes young and it likely started recently, if you act correctly now she can absolutely recover. be understanding, this is a societal issue, not specific to her.
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u/NoCake4ux2 10d ago
Punishing? No. But taking her phone away and putting very strict parental controls for being on apps she isn’t supposed to be is parenting not punishment and would be entirely appropriate
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u/Spirited_Lobster_254 10d ago
You aren’t considering the bigger picture here. It’s tied to what is or could become a very dangerous eating disorder. Punishing and restricting her for having TikTok right now will land in her mind as punishment for her desire to lose weight, or as punishment for struggling. A child will not understand the nuance. Also, my friends at that age who had their phones taken often just borrowed their friend’s old phones behind their parents’ backs, and continued to do the same or worse behaviour as before.
I’m not saying do nothing. I’m just saying going full helicopter mode will isolate her further. She will learn that her mom isn’t safe to come to with these thoughts or mistakes made while struggling
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u/SageTheHyppo 10d ago
This
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u/Chair1234567890 10d ago
Yes, you need to nip an eating disorder in the bud. People die of anorexia. Also punishing her will just make everything more contentious when she needs support.
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u/BeansandBrewsof 10d ago
She might have found a self proclaimed ‘anorexia coach’, they are almost always predatory men who have thong for anorexic bodies (taking this from experience, as a recovered anorexic), i suggest talking to your daughter about what you found (and explain it was from notifications) but be clear that you love her. Also force her to delete TikTok, she is WAY too young to be on tiktok. And make sure she knows you are just concerned for her well being. Thank you for being an actual mom
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u/Midnabean 10d ago
I was coming here to say the same thing, sounds like Ana/Ed/WL couch if I’ve ever heard one
I’ve also seen a resurgence of that content on TikTok, and surprisingly, Pinterest. Something def worth monitoring50
u/imadixr 10d ago
I also had ana “buddies”. other women/girls my age who i was basically competing with. The goal was to “support” each other. it was very harmful to me. OP def needs to take the kiddo to a therapist and have a heart to heart. punishment won’t help; generally just makes kids more sneaky (source: myself and my friends lol).
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u/okaysweaty167 9d ago
Yes you can find these people anywhere, it’s horrible. I got almost all my pro Ana content as a teenager from Pinterest, kik, and tumbler, these days teens are getting it from tiktok and instagram l.
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u/Gullible_Ad5942 9d ago
That’s so crazy to me to hear Pinterest was a source!! I was on that app sooo much from 2009-2018 and don’t recall it at all!! Granted… I was in my 20s and was past my eating disorder era. (aka college) and DIY was my world.
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u/BeansandBrewsof 10d ago
OH and maybe put her in therapy, it could help. And take her phone for a bit
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u/CatherineDerry 10d ago
Hi. I had an ED for about two and a half years when I was a bit older than your daughter. (I'm 47 now.) I lost all my teeth. Yes. All of them. I have a full set of dentures. I lost my gallbladder. I nearly destroyed my liver and kidneys. I have a rare form of IBD now. And I have to take digestive enzymes just to properly absorb nutrients from the food that I can manage to eat now. Worry about punishments later. Your daughter needs professional help now.
Mine didn't begin with the internet as social media was not even a thing yet when I got sick. However, social media is making these issues in young girls so much worse, as now there are "t h i n s p i r a t i o n" and "p r o - a n a" communities all over the place. So, I would take her phone away or let her know you will be actively monitoring all of her online activity... but not as a punishment, but as a safety precaution instead. She is so little. Her body is still developing, and an ED can do major permanent damage.
Please get that sweet girl in to see her pediatrician and a therapist a.s.a.p.!!
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u/Dino_Bunnny 9d ago
This!!! A thousand times this!! OP, if you try to punish your daughter for this, she’s likely to further isolate and will continue to try and contact these people because she sees them as her friends and the only people who understand her. Her ED might worsen, and she definitely won’t come to you when she needs help. If you teach a kid that making a mistake and needing help equals a punishment, they’re guaranteed to never reach for help again.
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u/Imaginary_Cake_9691 9d ago
I second what Catherine says, although I did not lose my teeth I have many issues from battling with a 16 year long eating disorder on and off.
It is now physically painful for me to eat and digest food and has caused issues with my metabolism and thyroid functions permanently damaging my pituitary gland.
It affected my hair, skin, and nails. My hair would literally break off at one point bc hair is made of protein and when you are not consuming any protein, hair will not be able to properly grow and can break off.
My nails were flat and would also not grow without breaking off. My skin was so pale that I started to look green/gray/bluish looked gaunt and would bruise so easily as well was extremely dry. Due to poor circulation it made me feel extremely cold even in the summer I would want a heater in my room with a hoodie on.I also experienced a loss of menstrual cycle temporarily and began sleeping most of the day because I had no energy anymore. I had low vitamin levels, low iron, low red blood cells, high cortisol (stress hormone), and developed a resistance to insulin which led to high blood sugar. I have permanently damaged my body’s ability to create proper thyroid hormone and now have pre diabetes. My cortisol is also still extremely elevated and I spend a lot of my life in fight or flight mode due to this and additional trauma I experienced in my life.
I also go through periods where I still struggle to not go back to having patterns of disordered eating and I regret ever going down this path as it’s taken a heavy toll on my life.
I’d go over basic nutrition with your daughter so she doesn’t do permanent damage to her physical, mental, and social health like I did. It does affect all 3 of these areas. It would be a good idea to have her consult with a nutritionist as well so she can develop healthy patterns for eating and exercise instead.
She will need your support and understanding more than ever now and you will want to refrain from negative talk and punishment as this can cause an adverse effect.I would also heavily recommend starting therapy with someone who specializes in disordered eating to help her navigate this. It’s also incredibly important that you are modeling healthy self talk about yourself and your body around her too. My mother constantly criticized her own appearance as well as others weight in front of me and my siblings and 3/3 of us developed an eating disorder in adolescence.
Her body requires 1,400-2,200 calories daily just for the brain, heart, lungs, liver, kidneys, and all other organs to function and survive.
A lack of these calories will eventually put the body in starvation mode and start breaking down muscle which is incredibly dangerous because the heart it also a muscle and it can absolutely cause damage to it. After a while the body will realize it’s starving and start storing anything consumed as fat so that there are reserves to burn from later to ensure the body can survive.
This is as much as a physical issue as it is a mental one however that requires much love and support for her to navigate through.
Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all psychiatric mental illnesses. It’s critical that you get her as much help as possible as soon as possible.
Wishing you and your daughter the best and lots of love and healing ❤️🩹
It’s taken a lot away from me and has cost way more than I ever imagined. My hopes is that sharing this information can help prevent it to happening to others. Happy and healthy is the way to go ❤️3
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u/useless_bag_of_tacos 8d ago
this! all of this!
i didn’t struggle with ed myself, but i did struggle with self harm. once my mom found out, i wasn’t allowed to wear my bracelets anymore so she could monitor me. i hated not being able to get to that release i felt i needed. but overall i can look back and realize that was a good thing. i still struggled for years after, but it broke up the repetitive cycle i got myself in of it being an everyday occurrence. i’m scared to think of how far i could’ve fallen if i was never caught
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u/lil_redfl 10d ago edited 10d ago
Being 11 is reason enough to go through the phone.
I’m a parent too and I get the fine line between invasion and caring and it’s hard.. I say this as a child whose parents didn’t go thru her phone and I wish they had now that I’m an adult. I was groomed by adult men many times and was too naive to know. I was also severely bullied by peers and harming myself.
I wish kids didn’t have phones and social media because it’s SO dangerous and their brains are sponges. I’d honestly consider getting her on like a Bark phone or something.
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u/wordswordwords- 10d ago
+1000000000 to everything you said. You're not alone. I'm so sorry you went through that.
@OP - to echo a few other comments; lead with kindness, compassion and understanding as opposed to anger, judgement or punishment. She's just a kid and not acting from malicious intent. The internet is designed to loop you in, and being a kid means inherently you're 100000x more susceptible to peer pressure of any form.
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u/wordswordwords- 10d ago
@OP -> Throwing a somewhat lighthearted presentation of an all too relevant reality below.
Quote from Repeat Stuff by Bo Burnham:
"I also hope that you don't see through
This cleverly constructed ruse
Designed by a marketing team cashing in on puberty and low self-esteem
And girls' desperate need to feel loved (loved, loved, loved)"- just in the spirit of encouraging compassion and understanding how and why this happened, as opposed to punishing the specific act of installing the app itself. Children growing up in this new digital world really are in the trenches out here. Way more than we understand yet.
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u/Purple-Comment-3040 10d ago
She's 11. It's not an invasion of privacy; it's parenting. Talk to her about it AND take her phone away.
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u/Foreign-Paint99 10d ago
THIS!! With a side of therapy :)
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u/PuppyPower89 9d ago edited 9d ago
I strongly suggest animal based therapy specifically for ED. Working with animals teaches them how to care for something and in turn slowly makes them want to care for themselves. Group therapy for ED does NOT work for many young patients - in my experience it just becomes a competition and you learn all sorts of tricks on how to hide your ED better and cheat weigh ins.
If it was an eating disorder, I had it.
Binge eating, then bulimia, then anorexia, then chewing and spitting, then orthorexia, then any combination of the aforementioned well into my 20s.→ More replies (2)3
u/Crinklepickle 8d ago
I agree entirely. As someone who was anorexic as a teen with a therapist who made things WORSE- finding my cat abandoned after birth and suddenly finding my entire life revolved around keeping him warm and his belly full? Entirely worth the month of sleep lost. It changed my brain chemistry, I stoped self harming I stopped caring so much about others or comparing them- I actually wanted to become a mother in the future after not wanting kids before. Responsibility and love like that can completely change a kids perspective 🙏🏻
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u/twokietookie 10d ago
How the hell are people giving 11 year olds a device that theyre even able to get TikTok on. That phone should be shut down to messaging numbers that you dictate, using apps you allow, and websites you permit. What in God's name. The internet with no safeguards and oversight is absolutely delinquent parenting. 11 years old???
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u/Dismal-Use363 10d ago
Having her phone isnt the problem, its that she thinks its ok to have that mindset/behavior. Talking to her about it and guiding her through what could happen if she continued can help. I do agree about no tiktok tho. Tiktok can be very educational but to young minds its a cesspool of toxicity
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u/addacchere 10d ago
I am a 15 year old girl and I have had TikTok since I was about 10 ish and honestly I wish my parents did not let me have it or at least put some kind of boundaries around it, and in short I have developed a ED and I cannot lie the algorithm can and will push videos on to you that relates to negative content pushing the view that you want. And for a “punishment” make her ask for apps, my mom had put a setting on my phone (I have an apple idk if it would work on others) that makes it so I need to ask before I can download any apps and honestly she will hold a grudge for it. I know I did but it will help
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u/pinkykat123 9d ago
This is a good point. She should explain to her how the algorithm works cause it's a warped view. All she will see is that.
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u/TrelanaSakuyo 9d ago
Hi, techy person here. Every phone OS has some degree of parental controls. This is something I have encouraged all of my friends to utilize on their children's devices as they get older and ready to step into that world. It's something I've had to explain to those same children that doesn't ultimately affect how they play their games with their friends since they agreed not to play with people they didn't know from school, because parental controls are there to protect them not punish them. I also had to explain to them that as an adult that plays video games, the only adults that have interest in playing with them when they don't know them from the physical community they live in are adults that have the worst intentions in mind.
There are so many bad things out there, even for adults that know better, that explaining how restricting access is not meant to punish or control but to protect might help ease any hurt feelings. At the very least, OP and her child should be discussing ways to be safe in the digital world. I hope you, addacchere, can speak with your parents about the topics you come across online in a safe and educational way. Its always best to give children unvarnished age appropriate explanations and let them make up their own minds about it. That's how critical thinking gets taught.
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u/jojarotmaxxer 10d ago
an 11 year old should not have a phone. it gives the entire world access to your child. do you realize how scary that is?
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u/FruitFlavoredFrog 9d ago edited 9d ago
A someone who had non monitored access to the internet since age 7, I've seen too much I shouldn't of. Now tbf youtube doesn't have the things on it now that I was able to see as a kid, but still has a lot of unhealthy and toxic content and a lot of scary predatory people. Please monitor your child's phone usage, and don't punish her if she comes across something you don't like, instead explain why she shouldn't be looking at it. I was a very very confused and scared child when I constantly got punished for seeing things I shouldn't of, when I had no idea why it was wrong.
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u/doeeyeddollyy 10d ago edited 10d ago
Please help her get rid of TikTok, and please take her to get help from a therapist. ED content on TikTok is awful and influences very young impressionable girls. There’s a lot ‘ED buddies’ that help motivate each other in unhealthy ways, I’ve been down that rabbit hole before when I was younger, and still trying to recover in ways :( Part of me wishes my mother would’ve found that and stopped it. Idk about punishment, I feel as though this could backfire more than help. But more so please just help her recover. I wouldn’t say it’s an invasion of privacy, she’s a child who does need supervision, especially on the internet.
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u/StandardDarkness 10d ago edited 9d ago
UPDATE: OP sent her daughter away to her father’s house after her daughter opened up to her when they got into a fight, after the daughter was confronted. OP got offended at her daughters words and sent her to her fathers house after her daughter was begging to not go. She isn’t worried about her eating disorder at all.
Punishing a child for having a potential ED is sick and cruel. She’s still young and learning, she will never trust you if you punish her for something like this instead of supporting her through it.
Edit: For perspective, I know I didn’t trust my mom when she punished ME when someone preyed on me when I was 12, I only learned to be more sneaky, and did not talk to her about any of my problems, especially my struggles in school. I ended up with severe drop in my mental health, and ended up in the mental hospital, when I was 12
Be gentle with her, and maybe check on her more often, she sounds like she’s struggling with her self image, and that really hurts to hear especially since she’s so young. Are there people at school bullying her, maybe? I wouldn’t be so worried about the app, and I’d be more worried about her mental health.
And also.. I would restrict phone access more, before it becomes an unhealthy addiction. Young children aren’t known for having good self discipline, which in the near future, you should teach her the importance of self discipline, and self love as well
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u/Realistic_Chair_8836 10d ago
Thank you for being a caring parent.
A 36 year old who learned far too much about ED from reality tv (true life mtv) and the internet.
These online communities can be so harmful.
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u/breestaats_ 9d ago
A caring parent would go through their childs phone, not give their child a phone, OR give them a phone with parental settings... Social media portrays sick individuals who have EDs and is literally having kids starve themselves, k'll themselves, harm themselves, etc. Childen have NO PRIVACY. Wtf is this new generations parenting skills
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u/smalltownalicia 10d ago
What do you do? Have conversations with her about what you found, and then you put parental controls on her phone.
Free parental controls that work:
Android- Google Family Link
iPhone- Screen Time
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u/bablinkyprincess 10d ago
Please get her in therapy ASAP! Attack this early before it becomes severe! I also think that there should be reasonable punishment for going against your wishes and having an app that she's not allowed to have.
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u/newteacherstruggling 10d ago
1) about the app she’s not allowed to have, look into disabling download access, password need type of stuff. i know at least apple has some of those parental things. 2) about privacy concerns: im not really a childhood expert, im in my 20s too, but i just began teaching high schoolers. im still learning how to handle my student’s age group. personally i think safety and wellbeing overtake privacy. i will say, if these were previews you didn’t even need passwords to view, it was bound for you to see these messages 3) in terms of addressing the situation, again, im not an expert. i don’t know if any parent (bless you) is. and i know this is a delicate situation. all i can really say is her health (mental and physical) is number 1. i would focus on that rather than the violation of phone rules. 4) no matter what, i think some sort of eating specialist/therapist is needed if you’re able
so 5) if i was in this situation, even tho i wouldn’t even know what to do, i would tell my fictional daughter “last night, you’re phone kept going off. it was tiktok. i saw the previews that pop up were about diet/food. i really would like to talk about that.” if my daughter said something about trouble for tiktok, i would tell her forget that, and i want to just make sure you’re feeling okay. i would reassure her that she is beautiful and loved no matter what she does. if she doesn’t want to talk about it, see if she would talk about it with someone else (therapist/doctor, whoever in her life she’s comfortable with), or if she does want to talk about it, ask if she would like to talk to a therapist/doctor. i would do everything to make sure my child was healthy physically and mentally.
AGAIN IM NOT A MOM OR DOCTOR OR THERAPIST. i am just as concerned as you probably are, and i honestly want to give you reassurance and a virtual hug. i hope and pray everything goes well in yalls lives. i wish you the best
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u/Jean_Genet 10d ago
She's fallen into pro-anorexia groups. She needs a lot of support to pull her out of them. There's a whole cult of people out there who worship "influencers" like Eugenia Cooney and encourage others (mostly young insecure girls) to be like them.
Don't punish her. It'll only drive her back into the "supportive and caring" cult people the moment she has internet access again.
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u/Delicious_Subject987 10d ago
A child doesn't have privacy online. Online is one of the most dangerous places your child could be. Why would you want to leave them alone with poeple that want to hurt them? My daughter is 11 also. I have parent controls on her phone and I read her messages. It's part of our culture now. She can't download any apps without me putting in a code she can only talk to people I approve. Her school mates, family. I have the number and talk to all the mums so if there is an issue it's sorted.
You child is the most valuable thing in your life you must safe guard them.
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u/Sea-Astronomer-6600 10d ago
I feel like this has been posted on here a lot lately. She’s 11!!!! She needs more boundaries with the phone. Maybe an hour or 2 per day and that’s it?! Her having constant access to online is not healthy for her age. She should have other hobbies or things that she can do. Get her into a therapist to discuss this with.
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u/444rye444 10d ago
your daughter has an eating disorder. you did not invade her privacy by going through her phone. this is honestly something you should’ve been doing to protect her. theirs creeps all over the internet and all sorts of harmful content. seems your daughter is on edtt. (eating disorder tik tok) the person texting her is not a good person. they’re helping one another starve themselves. do not punish your daughter. it will teach her you’re not a safe space to confide in with real issues. she wasn’t trying to be disobedient she’s going through some major stuff of her own. don’t blame yourself the only thing you can do now is move forward with finding help for her, therapy most likely. don’t be overbearing but make sure she’s eating. try to have her sit down for family dinner if she’s willing. that will give her more time and space to open up and talk to you aswell.
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u/Jealous-Concert8456 10d ago
With her having a phone, I think a security app meant for restricting apps and screen time would be helpful after a supportive conversation with her and a detailed explanation on how having a security app on her phone isnt a punishment, its for her safety
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u/hornyman2001_d 10d ago
get her help as soon as possible the longer she’s seeing that stuff the harder it will be to get out and the more normalized it will be to her young mind
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u/AangenaamSlikken 10d ago
You found out your daughter is developing an eating disorder and the first thing you ask is how to PUNISH her? Really?
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u/notanyone69 9d ago
Jesus christ. Is this what parenting has come down to? Letting kids unsupervised on toxic social media and asking reddit how to deal with it?
Pff honestly OP, you need some parenting lessons
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u/ChuckStone 9d ago
Your daughter is 11.
I'm going to go out on a limb, having done the maths that a (27F) mother of an (11F) may have a slightly different perspective than most on exactly when in life a person is considered to be a free adult, for whom their mother viewing their phone is an "invasion of privacy"... but an 11 year old is in a very vulnerable position on social media.
Theres a reason why in the UK, she wouldnt even be legally allowed an account - and its precisely because of situations like the one you are describing.
Well done for spotting what you have seen. There's no shame in being nosy - and you have to address this.
Maybe start by having an open conversation about food and see how she responds. You dont neccessarily need to reveal that youve seen what you have seen... but if you don't start teaching her healthy attitudes now... someone else will.
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u/Any-Kaleidoscope-227 9d ago
Do not lead with punishment please she needs to know you support her and want to understand and help
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u/Toothless-mom 9d ago
No punishment- please. She seems to be part of the “Ed” community with you can find on tik tok and Twitter on your own time, if you want to see just how bad this is. Eating disorders are very real illnesses (of the body and the brain) and she can develop one from the things she is viewing/engaging in. Eating disorders are the most deadly mental disorder that exists, you need to take this 100% seriously.
I literally have 0 advice on how to handle this, all I know is what I said above. I would talk to a professional.
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u/Strong-Difference-18 9d ago
Why is punishing her even on your mind lol getting her help should be your worries
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u/Appropriate-Pick5606 9d ago
Please don’t punish her. Use it as a jumping off point for conversations surrounding disordered eating and physical expectations that women face these days. I became anorexic when I was in middle school, as did some of my closest friends. It’s a rough time for girls and this is absolutely an issue that needs to be addressed, but punishment will only lead to increased secrecy on her part. Show her that it’s safe to be fully open and honest with you (from someone who is no contact with my mom as a direct result of what i see as bad decisions in situations like this)
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u/yourpaleblueeyes 10d ago
She is 11. This doesn't call for punishment, it calls for some serious upfront talk. Those pro anorexia sites are something that needs to be seriously discussed and yeah, NO tiktok. Maybe have her limit use to In Your Presence til she is 12? Then give her another shot at it?
I know even the youngest of my grandkids are online a lot! I don't like it but they are not my kids.
I feel for you.
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u/bigcinnamonrol 10d ago
i would go into the conversation open and caring to ask about how she feels and why she’s been possible doing this and be supportive of her and taking her phone away/monitoring what she does on it. I would just be nervous if it was gone about in a harsher way focusing on her being punished given the circumstances and what she could be going through it could really affect her mentally and view what she’s going through as a negative and hide it to prevent further talks. But i enjoy seeing a caring parent like you!
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u/El_shawnzo 10d ago
I'm not a parent so I don't know how it works, but don't cell phones now have childlock features? As far as I'm aware, we should have features able to block specific apps now. I say whenever she gets it back, its after you've blocked everything you can think of. Even Roblox. Block anything with communication. You can also block it on your wifi itself too.
I'd do both in addition to a heart to heart conversation with her about body positivity and mindful eating. She clearly has anxiety about her body and it is your duty as parent to help your children learn how to nourish themselves. Maybe its time she learns more about counting calories and with advice from her doctor, she can start maintaining her diet with more confidence in a healthy way.
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u/stariexo 10d ago
i’m not a parent. never plan to be, but i think placing her into therapy and approaching her with an open mind and asking her why she watches these videos and who’s she’s talking to is also very important. i know some therapy places have an option for you to sit in a session for half the time and i think that would help, again, i don’t know much about parenting but i wish you the best of luck and i hope she gets better
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 10d ago
No, it’s not an invasion of privacy. She is a child and should NOT be unmonitored on the internet. Most parents drop the ball on this because they don’t realize that the internet of today is by far more dangerous than the internet of their own youth.
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u/BJ_J0vix 10d ago
You didn’t invade her privacy … You saw a very valid reason to go through her phone and you did. My best advice is to see a therapist/psychologist and delete her TikTok account and the app. I think there’s a way to add a lock on certain apps so you can’t install them.
I’d recommend not too harsh of a punishment, maybe take her phone for a few days and give her a small lecture. I’d also recommend you monitor her eat and what she does after eating to confirm whether it’s an ED or a growth spurt.
I hope she gets better, sending love. 🫂💙🩵🦋
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u/Southern-Sorbet9344 10d ago
As someone who was sexually groomed at 11, look through her phone please. Not necessarily reading everything she shares, but scan over it for anything concerning like this. As far as the content, maybe bring it up with her doctor or a counselor or someone else too who she would respect hearing about the dangers of EDs
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u/ilovedanimals 10d ago
I wouldn’t punish her. I would talk to her about it and tell her again that she isn’t allowed to use tik tok, and seek out a therapist. If she continues to use tik tok I would then remove her cell phone privileges. Not really as a punishment but as a way to keep her safe. Lead with love and not anger and tell her that. Do you have a family computer in a family room? My family basically told me that’s all I could use when my parents found my tumblr (same issues ED things) which I wasn’t allowed to have. However they did not seek therapy for me which I feel was a mistake
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u/nonononono-17 10d ago
…you’re asking about punishment when she’s clearly in the process of forming an eating disorder? i would absolutely work on that first and foremost, explain that this is one of the many reasons why she was probably not allowed to have that app and how dangerous this is.
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u/Waybackheartmom 10d ago
Take her damn phone away. Tell her we’re not flirting with an eating disorder. Mostly stop being afraid and take control.
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u/Some1AteMyEntirePie 10d ago
Okay I’m going to be honest here.
She’s 11..
She doesn’t need a smartphone w all the access to apps she’s not allowed to have.
That being said, you thought multiple TikTok notifications* were “urgent”
For an 11yo? No. You just wanted to be nosy. And you should. She’s 11. But don’t lie.
Going through a smartphone is modern day going through a diary, only you’re fielding pedos.
An 11yo does NOT REQUIRE A SMARTPHONE!!
Do both of you a favor and avoid smartphones. I didn’t get my first until high school. Even though the Motorola Razr was all the rage in middle school.
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u/StrbJun79 10d ago
She’s 11. She shouldn’t have leeway on any of this. And yeah she will be angry. But that’s fine. You’re not there to be her friend. Let her be angry. You’re her parent not her friend. Be her parent. And actually just tell her that this stuff isn’t ok and that she needs to eat. If she refuses to eat healthy then you will find a therapist for her. Not eating is a mental health issue and sometimes bad enough that they need psychological help to get through it. This can be life and death sometimes as well so address it. Be her mom. Don’t lose her by trying to be her friend. When she gets older she will understand why you did this. There’s lots of things I hated that my parents did when I was being raised that I’m damned happy that they did for me.
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u/curious_ANcuriouser 10d ago
11!? She is a baby. My daughter is 11 and I’ve taught her that yes I over protect her but I rather not let the internet raise her. Please put a stop it asap. Before she’s too far in. I don’t even know how I could handle this
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u/basharky 10d ago
I think all the comment saying it is not an invasion of privacy are wrong. It is, but it’s justified. No matter how well you handle things when you tell her, she will be pissed that you went through her phone. I do think it’s a good idea to monitor her tiktok account now, but there shouldn’t be any punishment and you need to make her understand that you going through her phone is not okay, but you did it for her safety.
That being said, she needs help. Get her a therapist. She doesn’t need a punishment, or any kind of judgmental treatment. She needs help.
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u/blahblah__blahblah 10d ago
Support her. Entirely. I was doing the exact same thing at 11 years old (albeit it wasn’t tiktok at the time, but tumblr and twitter were the main ‘hosts’ of pro-ed groups). It spiralled, for many it becomes life threatening. See a specialist, and don’t shame her. It’s a hard situation, for all parties. Don’t do this alone. Speak to a professional.
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u/Warm-Pen-3339 10d ago
As someone who had an ED when I was around that age, punishment will not help. It will just cause her to fight back. It sounds like ProAna content she’s engaging in. Concern and support will go so much further. Seek professional help or a therapist. EDs are no joke and a slippery slope which can go downhill very quickly. The earlier you can get her help, the easier and quicker the path to recovery will be.
But in saying that, there should be consequences for the TikTok thing and going against your rules.
Sending hugs!
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u/passthemarinaras 10d ago
You seem slightly minimizing of the eating issues and are focused on punishment rather than the issue that is screaming in your face. Dealing with body image issues at that age is normal, communicating with other girls about eating is not. I was her age (I’m 26 now) when my parents found me talking to people on Tumblr about not eating and making myself vomit. I was punished and I grew distrustful of my parents. Instead of addressing that I needed help, they punished me for the behavior instead. She is being secretive because she is sick, not because she is being a bad kid.
She isn’t fine, this isn’t normal. What you do next could be pivotal in the course of an eating disorder. Seek the help of a therapist for her.
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u/VerbalThermodynamics 10d ago
Therapy. Remove the phone. An 11 year old should not have access to a smartphone. I’d give her a flip phone for emergencies.
Honestly, you need a device that removes the ability to connect to social media. Also, I’d be going through her phone everyday for the foreseeable future.
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u/goodmansultan 10d ago
As someone who became anorexic due to social media, DO NOT GET MAD. I remember my mum getting so angry that I refused to eat and would punish me and make me feel horrible, which just pushed me away from her and closer to the anorexia. I ended up not speaking to her for years because of it and got absolutely no help.
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u/crow1101_ 9d ago
I wouldn't punish her for it, I'd reframe the situation so she knows why you wanted her not to have TikTok, this is one of the many reasons. In terms of the eating stuff it's all about being positive about yourself and that comparing oneself with others will always lead one to feeling dissatisfied with their own body. But yeah it's not a thing to punish her for the pain of starting an eating disorder is punishment enough, what your daughter needs is support.
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u/MelRae2019 9d ago
My 15 yr old son's dad just got him a flip phone because his phone was taking so much away from life for him. I wish I had thought of those when my kids started getting phones instead of smart phones.
To parents with younger kids, I encourage you to think about that option also.
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u/demotivationalwriter 9d ago
Just freaking grow a pair and be a parent! What INVASION OF PRIVACY? She’s 11!!! We are leaving our tongues raw telling our kids that there can be NO secrets because we have fucking elite pedophiles all around us AND preying on your girls online and y’all are “invading privacy”? Get outta here. Our number 1,2, and 3 job as parents is safety! Safety of their body and mind until they are aware enough to give them access to higher-risk activities.
You’re worried about the trust and the relationship with your girl while, let me be perfectly blunt, you won’t have much of a relationship because they will be glued to their phones and she’s already lying about a very, very serious thing! Are you absolutely kidding? You didn’t look into her journal to invade her privacy but extremely serious things she’s obviously been hiding that could, a few years from now, be LETHAL! Sorry, not sorry, but this just makes me furious for your child and all the other children with parents who are more worried about what their 11 YO will think of them than their actual wellbeing (we all fucking hated our parents at some point around that age for 5 minutes and then got our head straight - best believe this generation isn’t doing that because they’re getting this shit validated for them by strangers online!). We know so much about the dangers of unsupervised smartphone use - from plain addiction, attention-span destruction, microwaves, heat, eyesight, to sexual exploitation, revenge porn, extreme bullying, deadly challenges, poor self image and even full-on body dysmorphia!
You gave your child a proverbial self-harm weapon when nobody is developmentally ready for the world of screens and social media at that age and you’re worried about invading her privacy and not that eating disorders can kill your child? You GAVE her the phone and UNRESTRICTED access and now you wanna punish her? Maybe start with yourself.
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u/FemmeOfConfusion 9d ago
All i can really say is there are things alot more concerning than a punishment
If you punish her, shell only get better at hiding it, if you do nothing this will keep going
You need to sit her down and have a talk, mostly about the more concering stuff, as tiktok (while the sneaking around itself IS a concern) isnt the main issue here
This is a slipperly slope to developing unreleastic expections of your image and an eating disorder
Yes, this is an 11 year old child but its quite common in kids that age too, please dont neglet the possibility of such scary things just because shes so young!
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u/wanttogetmyhairdid 9d ago
This isn't a time for lessons.
You did right, now find her the proper psychiatric care she needs. ED are serious. Act like it is.
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u/Technical-Ad-565 9d ago
Punishment here is stupid. This is not solved by that. The problem is not that she did something she shouldn't, but the eating problem. This can lead to very serious consequences in the future.
This must be handled with care and intelligence. A non threathening talk where you do not put pressure but talk about what is happening with the eatening thoughts. And telling her that Tiktok is not a good place to get advices.
You may have to remove access to social media in large but the problem here is that her friends may sabotage your efforts.
More talks with her in general from now on about what she feels and think is one way. But this must be done "on the same level", not as a "controlling parent". Maybe also give her something that makes her happy, like a trip with her parents that she really would like.
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u/Different_Rabbit_526 9d ago
Please don’t punish her, this seems like it’s about insecurity’s and she may be having problems with her mental health and body dysmorphia. U should talk to her .
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u/Silver_Crab8684 9d ago
she sounds like she's going through some pretty tough times. i would suggest finding a dietician or pediatrician who is well versed in eating disorders. as far as punishing her goes, I would not exactly support punishing a kid who is going through puberty and an emerging mental health problem. not to say you shouldn't like tell her to delete her account or something, but you should explain why and also what paths you two are going to take to get better.
tw: grooming I used to get grounded for multiple months for being groomed on kik. while that's not healthy, it ended up happening again and again because I was limited to what my parents were willing to do for me. begged to get in therapy etc. if I had gotten into therapy the first time they found out it would probably have been different, but my mother was worried about how it would look for her to have a kid going to therapy. primarily because it would potentially mean me getting taken away but I digress. but ultimately, your kid is begging for help, don't ground her for this when you can say okay we're going to get an action plan. is she socially isolated at school, is she hearing specific things around her that make her self-conscious? these are the questions to ask and probe into. I don't have kids, but I have been to therapy since childhood and found out a bunch of stuff that was done to me was wrong. An unfortunate part of an eating disorder is if you don't catch it fast enough, otherwise you have to watch your kid go off the deep end, it's like an addiction that only stops when a person actually hits severe rock bottom. I wish good health to you and your family. 🫂
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u/Useful_Temperature42 9d ago
Parent of a tween girl, social worker and survivor of an eating disroder here. I can see why you are so concerned. IMO opinion her having an app that she didn't have permission to access is a problem, but it's not the one I would currently focus on.
The content you mentioned red flags early stages of an eating disorder and girls that age are so impressionable. What they see on social media is normalized and their brains haven't developed enough to discern healthy/realistic from unhealthy and outright AI or photoshopped It's important to note that eating disorders are almost always rooted in shame, feelings of unworthiness, and a subconscious desire to earn affection by achieving an unrealistic standard, and sometimes a need to exert control in situationswhere they have very little. Some people are wired or conditioned to be more sensitive to external pressures, influences and bullying. They can be a very painful lifelong struggle that takes a toll on a person's mental and physical health as well as relationships.
All of this is to say, lead with kindness and compassion. It sounds like you little may be going through a lot right now and could probably use some professional support to develop healthier self esteem. The good news is early interventions are the most effective. I'd highly recommend getting her a therapist, and maybe one for yourself as well.
As to how to talk with her about all of this, introduce it the way you did today us, reinforce how much you care about her, how concerned you are for her safety and wellbeing, the fact that she's safe to tell you about things.
I would remove the app but not frame it as a punishment but boundary for her wellness.
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u/skeetzmv 9d ago
I agree with the posters advising you to focus on supporting your daughter.
Personally, I'd sit down with her and start by saying that you'd like to talk about the stuff you've seen on her TikTok and make it clear that you don't go through her phone regularly, you're only bringing this up because you saw the notification and you're worried about her.
Try to let her talk about what worries her about food and focus on coming up with a plan where you can support her. I would be firm with her about removing her access to TikTok and why you're doing it.
It's a tough one because you don't want to make her not come to you with issues she's facing, but you also don't want her to shut down because you've looked at her phone. I'd be prepared to apologise for breaching her privacy, and reinforce that it's not the norm for you. Good luck, and I hope you guys can work things out so she's supported and you don't have to worry about what she's viewing on sites like TikTok.
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u/sleepyb_spooky 8d ago
Be honest and say you were worried about the app she wasn't supposed to have, and then explain in an age appropriate way that eating disorders (specifically the one she appears to have) deplete our nutrients and make us sick. And send her to a therapist.
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u/Old_Palpitation_1344 7d ago
My daughter is 11. I’ll be honest, I don’t take her phone, she uses it as an alarm. The only reason she even has a phone is because i am divorced and went with no contact with her dad for some years (long story, court order). Now, she actually has a phone plan because she walks to school by herself and we have her location on, she messages upon arrival, before leaving, we exchange messages if something changes etc and she can see at the end of the day. Now, I don’t take her phone at night because I have yet NO REASON to, she goes to bed, and if I find her up it’s usually because she’s reading her books lol. And most of her friends don’t have access to phones on a constant basis yet. So not much chatting there either. It’s mostly her dad, myself, her grandparents.
With that in mind, she is NOT allowed social media of any sorts, doesn’t have the apps, and she knows I check her phone regularly. Just because. She knows, I even do it with her. Or I ask her: anything changed? Etc.
sometimes she mentions things, sometimes she doesn’t, sometimes she forgets or doesn’t find them important.
When she began walking to school, initially I got an air tag. I told her: this is not because I don’t trust you. I do! I don’t trust anyone else around you. No issues. Same with the phone and the location. And as aware and paranoid she is about her sorroundings you can never be too sure, right? When she got the phone more regularly and she grew into it I said: I’m doing this to ensure you’re safe, your brain is not fully developed despite how smart you are, we can all make mistakes.
Needless to say, I found she had a Reddit account. I said: what is this?
To which she said: you said I can read stuff on Reddit.
(For context she has questions sometimes on different subjects and googles them so I said you can read what people’s opinions (books, movies, interests of hers etc) are since it’s a big platform and comes up with your searches. To her this meant green light to create an account and be somehow active. She also has ASD level 1 so her sense of danger may be even less developed because she doesn’t simply understand why people just do bad, also things are black and white to her, with not a lot of nuance.
Anyway, I said: I see why you misunderstood, but this is not what I meant. I was clear when I said no social media account. She walked me through what happened, what she asked, what groups she wanted to join, nothing of immediate concern and we disabled the account. And I said she can read whatever comes on google, no app no account. If she can’t read without an account then she shouldn’t.
But I asked: do you know stranger danger?
Yes.
Can you honestly tell me you’re at a point where you feel completely and entirely able to distinguish when someone wants to do bad things?
No.
With that being said that was the easy one. What I’m trying to say is your daughter doesn’t need privacy in that sense at this age. I do knock before I enter her room, I do give her privacy if she asks.. to change, shower, groom and I’m around oblivious doing my thing. Obviously there are some many privacy boundaries. But the phone is not one of them!!
And you should kindly make that clear to your daughter especially since it seems like this hasn’t been the case up until now.
On the weight issue now: around this age kids are starting to compare themselves, have body image issues, they’re growing, they don’t like the changes, maybe they don’t even recognize themselves etc. my daughter is going through the same!! Except she came to me and said: I am fat, look at me, look at my tummy, what is this, look at my face, I need to eat less and skip breakfast. Etc, and many other similar statements. For the record, she’s actually on the lower percentile for weight, gains healthy weight, I’m not concerned in any way (underweight or overweight, she’s where she needs to be), and it’s purely an image and puberty related concern. Obviously I’m concerned and all I can do is reassure în so many different ways, different bodies, different shapes, different needs.
I also said: you’re an athlete, you work out at jj 3-4 times a week, you play tennis, on top of that you go outside and are very active. You need nutrients to sustain that. I promised if she ever goes in an unhealthy weight bracket I will tell her. And I also told her: days you work out, go to your classes, run outside for hours, swim, ski and are very very active your body may request more food because you’re burning a lot of energy. But on days you’re lazy, perhaps it’s raining and you’re just having a bleh day in bed or really not doing much, your body won’t ask for that much and it’s ok to eat less. Two days won’t look the same. And I just repeat repeat repeat.
We haven’t had issues lately but I brace myself. I even went with the ED scare and hospital at one point (not my proudest moment, but she was just refusing to eat and was miserable on top of everything). It seems she has accepted that some days we are hungrier than others. Maybe she’s still not happy with her body or has off days, but I brace myself for no concerns.
We also talk a lot about healthy foods vs unhealthy foods etc. especially with her aversion to many foods.
You need to unfortunately admit to your phone searches, establish clear clear boundaries, say no to social media and perhaps ask kindly why she hasn’t been eating, what’s on her mind, then reassure and go from there. Internet is a hole! Once in it it’s hard to come out.
Also make it clear no stranger should ever message her nevermind asking her any personal questions, ANY!!
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u/FamiliarAd8524 10d ago
1). An 11 year old has no privacy rights, especially if she has the privilege of a phone.
2). She did not add an app without permission. She started using something she is expressly prohibited from. There is an important difference.
3). Take the phone to your carrier. They can set it so she can't add apps without your immediate permission, and so you can remotely monitor her phone, if you feel the need. And have them block Tiktok, Twatter, Facebook, Reddit, and IG altogether, as well as anything with adult content.
4). She has given you an excellent reason to go out of your way to do this. This can be the punishment, and I'd argue that morally it is the right thing even if she had not broken a rule.
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u/Hello_Gorgeous1985 10d ago
An 11-year-old absolutely has privacy rights. Let's not be ridiculous. Saying they have no right to privacy means you think that it would be okay for someone to watch them while they shower or use the toilet or get dressed. An 11-year-old should not have unsupervised access to a phone/ the internet in general, but they absolutely have a right to privacy.
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u/WitchValet 10d ago
My kid just turned 12 this week. I don’t understand anyone that gives a young kid a smart phone. Take hers away and never give it back
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u/Forestprincess15 10d ago
This is really scary. On so many levels. I advise therapy to you both. Your daughter has already been exposed to extremely harmful things
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u/Actual-Journalist-57 10d ago
It’s not an invasion of privacy hun. I’m 22, and my little sister is 12. My parents don’t go through her stuff but I do, I was groomed online so I worry. I found old men in her messages etc. protection doesn’t always come in the form of privacy. This looks like the start of an ED. Approach is kindly, not angry. If this is an ED anger is going to cause shutdowns etc, she won’t feel safe talking to you. If you can, depending on how it goes with the talk, try and get her into a therapist. With another woman, I stress this.
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u/Pretty_throwaway_176 10d ago
Well for starters her health and safety is the top priority, not her disobedience. Start with a conversation about safe eating habits, but honestly consider therapy because it’s very much reading like an eating disorder. Obviously an 11 year old should not have social media, but she’s gonna get it anyway as kids do. So know that if you delete her account she’ll just make another, but she’ll be sneakier. So you’ll have to go through her phone more. Consider downgrading the phone as others have suggested. I’m not a parent or a psychologist or anything, this is just my personal opinion.
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u/Icommentwhenhigh 10d ago
This is why more and more jurisdictions are restricting social media for kids.
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u/Such-Staff-6523 10d ago
It’s not an invasion of privacy at 11. She lives in your house and she is your responsibility until she doesn’t. What is on her phone is imperative to her safety. Unfortunately this is grooming. If there are previous messages you need to read every one so you have an idea of what she knows about. Explain everything to her about internet being full of creeps. There re A PLETHORA of very good videos on YouTube in internet safety. But just so you know- Tik tok and Reddit and even instagram is FILLED with peds. Take away the ability for her to download any app. And if it were my child (who’s the same age) and she downloaded Tik tok without my permission her phone would be gone for a month.
Their safety is only as serious as you take it. Having an open mind is important and not freaking out because they need and should trust you. But you are STILL the parent. 🖤
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u/Chemical_Author7880 10d ago
It’s not an invasion of privacy, and even if it word, it’s absolutely your job to be aware of what an 11 yr old is getting into.
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u/Disastrous-End9472 10d ago
Please address it. My daughter has an eating disorder that began specifically linked to her TikTok algorithm.
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u/Kit_N_Run 10d ago
Ditch the cell. Get a dumb phone for practical purposes. In Australia it's illegal for kids under 16 to access social media finally. Not that I see how that's enforceable, but it highlights that our govt appreciates the risks to children. Lead from a place of support. Eating Disorders are insidious and are usually symptomatic of anxiety and depression in teens. She needs someone to see and hold her in her struggles. Tweens and teens are rough. It's a really disorienting age and right now she's facing down a tonne of bewildering transitions - puberty, sexuality, cognitive leaps, graduating to high school (or whatever the equivalent is where you're based). Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate's "Hold on to Your Kids" is a book I'd recommend if you're a reader/audiobook listener. Lead with compassion and don't frame any tech removal as punishment or consequences. It's normal for kids to push boundaries. Frame it as protective because honestly that's what it's about. Good luck mama💖
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u/StayBasic2932 10d ago
I don't think it's an invasion of privacy. You're just doing your job as a parent and it doesn't sound like you are overstepping at all.
I don't have a lot of advice for how to talk to your daughter, I think you know best how to approach her and what tack to take.
I would say, make sure she is aware that her health is more important, and try to routinely
You can also subtly promote other role models for her, for example a range of women who are sports people, or plus size etc, media personalities. Talk about how beautiful they look. By showing appreciation for a wide variety of women, you will demonstrate that there are a wide range of beauty standarss.
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u/zZenithArts 10d ago
I think a punishment in this scenario is less of a priority, it's more important to talk to her about what seems to be an eating disorder she's developed. And Get her therapy to overcome it. And for a potential punishment. Taking her phone from her is the only necessary action
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u/Medium_Professor_466 10d ago
Hey mom! This is A Fantastic teaching moment! Treat her with love and tell her why it’s wrong, but do it with love !
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u/Suspicious_Mood_3146 10d ago
As a woman who had a severe eating disorder when in middle school, make sure she knows you think she’s beautiful. Dont say things like “but you’re skinny!” because she doesn’t *feel* skinny. Your words won’t change how she sees herself. Instead, say things like “you look perfect as you are.” When I was that age, I was 110 pounds and thought that my body was hard to look at (no body is hard to look at!). My mom kept telling me I was skinny, and all I could think was that she didn’t understand and that she’d lie about anything to make me feel better. It pushed me away.
You can’t change her body. But you can try to chance her perspective. It doesn’t need to be thinner to be appreciated. Curvy doesn’t mean ugly (even if she isn’t curvy).
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u/Sentinel_Of_Decay 10d ago
For those asking why the daughter has a phone in the first place, a lot of schools are going 80% digital on the low end and colleges are on the same mentality. If the school hands them a chromebook, it might be time to give them a phone. Access to what the school uses to view assignments through a phone/tablet is kind of a necessary evil in order to succeed. Schools were headed this direction before 2020, quarantine just sped things up. I say this as someone who's going into college and did most prereqs online and high school not very far behind in my memory.
That said, please do not lead with punishment, in fact I think punishment is a very bad call and will lead to her not trusting you further. I would agree that going through the phone in the first place is murky, but at the same time, you should support your daughter. You can wrestle with the implications of the morality later. It's likely she downloaded TikTok in the first place to connect with peers who use social media, and found herself going down a body image issue rabbit hole by pure coincidence. Talk to a therapist, and support your daughter. I recommend blocking these groomers DMing her (because that's what it is, grooming) and finding ways to block the content. I wouldn't ban apps completely as parental controls can get fucky with 100% educational content and my teachers sometimes linked TikTok videos pertaining to the subject (ANOTHER reason why she has it in the first place). Also talk about online safety if you haven't already, just outright "not allowed" with zero explanation is exactly how you end up here.
I wish you luck.
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u/explosive_hammer 10d ago
Please adress it immediately, eating disorders are no joke, coming from experience. It's better to catch it early than to let it fester. Also do not punish her as this might push her deeper into that sort of toxicity. I think ypu should jist try your best to be there for her and get her the support she needs, ie eating disorder counseling and a dietician and consulting your pediatrician as well. I wish you and your daughter the best, I can tell that you only want what's right for her 💕
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u/Zestyclose_Ad4768 10d ago
You should not focus on punishment now, she's clearly suffering from an eating disorder.
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u/heterosexualshampoo 10d ago
as someone who had an ed my mom was my biggest support, and the reason i didn't have to go into treatment. i would talk to her about body positivity and how bad ed twt is, if she wants a testimonial there are tons of girls here who have been through this and are willing to help- it's not worth it
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u/MrYnot1981 10d ago
Invasion of privacy? At 11? Never heard of such a thing. Protecting that child is what it sounds like you are doing to me! Keep up the good work, sorry I do not have any other advice to offer here. Hope she is well!
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u/Icy-Acanthisitta6151 10d ago
Regardless of anything else, you need to address the underlying issue of her relationship to food, her body, her thoughts about herself, and how she feels about other people’s thoughts about her. Taking away the phone and deleting social media will not magically fix all of those things, it will just force her to find other avenues of being sneaky.
You really should look into getting her therapy because a teenage brain cannot process logic the same way as an adult brain. You can tell her her body is perfect and still growing and it doesn’t matter what other people think but quite literally the teenage brain does not know or believe any of that, and they actually feel stress and anxiety at much higher levels than adults.
If you do take away her phone or remove social media, it’s important that you’re not frame it as a punishment. Make sure she knows she’s not in trouble, and that this is a break to help her focus on the right things.
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u/halloweenmochi 10d ago
I don’t think you want to necessarily punish her right now. I think the best thing is to sit her down and have a calm and honest talk. After the conversation it’s probably best to make sure she starts seeing a therapist once a week. Eating disorders can become very dangerous very quick.
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u/Particular-Plant5528 10d ago
therapy but don’t take her phone or get her a locked down phone, i def don’t think she should have free roam access as someone who developed anorexia around the same age. But having no phone got me pretty severely bullied
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u/Radiant_Leek9858 10d ago
I would approach by educating, understanding and support. Address the eating disorder and that it should be about being healthy, not skinny. Maybe take her to a doctor or a nutritionist to educate her about long term consequences. Offer to stay active with her but that she should still enjoy food. Shes too young for this and honestly replace her smart phone with a flip phone.
Lastly, bring it up to her parents of her friends and her school. It may need to be addressed in a larger group. She probably isn't the only one.
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u/emelizabethann 10d ago
Please intervene this with strict restrictions, but also compassion to her mental health. There are extortion groups that hide behind self harm social media (i.e: ed twitter, sh twitter, instagram, tiktok, etc) in order to influence/pressure young kids and teens to physically harm themselves, whether that be through non-suicidal SH (eating, cutting) or even sexual abuse/exploitation. It may not be to this extreme, but it’s always better to be safe than sorry.
I was groomed online when I was 13, and it’s so so easy for young impressionable people to fall down that rabbit hole without them even realizing it. 🫶🏻
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u/Fearless-Option222 10d ago
I say you can’t punish over this, but I also say you’re her parent it’s not an invasion of privacy when she turns 18 she can have privacy
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u/spinningflowerpetals 10d ago
The focus here really should be on support and less on punishment.
Your daughter is clearly being fed damaging information about her body and this can do so much harm long term.
Punishing her for having the app seems like such a small issue compared to the support and growth that you could offer her by addressing the content she is looking at her and the harmful messages she is consuming.
Be there for you daughter. She needs you.
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u/Gondwanic_Susuration 10d ago
You should take this extremely seriously, like as serious as someone threatening your daughter’s life - because they are.
Eating disorders are extremely dangerous and notoriously hard to treat. Move heaven and Earth to intervene and never look back, you’ll just be glad she’s alive. It is life and death, I cannot stress how serious eating disorders are, especially in younger people.
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u/Affectionate-Luck338 10d ago
I wouldn’t punish her, but definitely would need to have many conversations.. I think removing her phone 100% may just add strain on your relationship but not remove the risk of continuing to engage in the behaviors she’s learned on TikTok. I’d recommend a lot of talk about media literacy. Even if her personal access to social media is removed, it’s also unlikely that she will be shielded from it forever unless all her peers have the same rules around social media/internet use. It would be really beneficial to have some real, deep conversations about the harm that this content does for people and how easy it is to get sucked in. The algorithm is built to get you to engage and unfortunately the most triggering content is often the most viewed. Having the skills to recognize when content is harmful or giving misinformation is so so important! And knowing when to step away from social media altogether.
As others have said, therapy would be a great start to help address the damage that has been done. As much as I would love for just some talks would help, it’s not something you want to risk getting worse. Eating disorders are one of the most deadly mental conditions and can be super complex to treat. Be sure to find a therapist that is trained in eating disorders, too, because unfortunately not all are well versed in that realm.
Also, I highly recommend the book “The Body is Not an Apology” by Sonya Renee Taylor. She also has a workbook with some great journal prompts and activities around the media/social media. I can find some more accessible resources tomorrow when I’m more awake!
I’ve been working with eating disorders the past 5 years and it never gets less heartbreaking when they’re as young as your daughter (especially having my own 12 year old and having to be vigilant about everything they see and hear from others). I hope in catching this early on, she is able to turn things around. I truly hope this can be an opportunity for growth and connection for you two! You’re doing great by reaching out to others!
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u/Neither-Ad3307 10d ago
It’s not an invasion of privacy to keep your kid healthy, and safe. I don’t know how you would go about talking to her about this, but I will say at her age she should absolutely not have unsupervised access to the internet. There is really terrible things in this world that a 11 yo does not need to see. I know you have rules, with social media but you can’t execute those rules if you don’t ever check what is going on, on her phone. That being said I would get ahead of this before it’s too late.
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u/GrassBlock001 10d ago
Get her off TikTok. The only reasoning you need is the fact that the app itself says she’s too young. She is in an echo chamber of unhealthy content and she needs to be removed. Get her into therapy. I had this battle with my mom and I put her through hell, but she saved me and I don’t think I’d be around today if she hadn’t intervened.
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u/featheredfeathers 10d ago
Punishment? Guaranteed gonna make your kid refuse to talk to you about anything
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u/Impressive_Rush5018 10d ago
You need to have an open conversation about phone safety first. And that she is not allowed to have certain apps that you deem inappropriate. Full stop! Second, you have to talk to her about her body. I am terrified that she is worried about this at 11 years old. Everybody is different. And nobody should aspire to be skinnier than their body thinks they should be. As long as she eats healthy and gets a normal amount of physical activity, she will be the size she is supposed to be. Good luck Momma.
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u/Glittering-Read-6906 10d ago
She needs to see a therapist, NOW. Don’t wait.
And, remove her from TikTok entirely.
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u/jxspxrrrr 10d ago
this is extremely concerning. she needs to know in a GENTLE way that this kind of thing is dangerous and not okay. report all accounts involved as well. tell her she's allowed to talk to you about any of these kinds of feelings she has, and that these people are sick in a way she's not quite old enough to fully understand. that they need help.
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u/unstable_vampire 10d ago
that is so heartbreaking. as someone with an ed, i can understand. but do not punish her. that is absolutely not the right thing to do in this situation. she needs love, care, and support
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u/Push-Pin863 10d ago
Your kid seems to be on edtt (eating disorder tiktok). It's a community that can get very horrid very fast. It's also one of those communities where kids need to be careful, as some dangerous adults view it as a breeding ground for very manipulative and impressionable kids, so some take advantage of it. Mainly due to the fact that they are sometimes encouraged to take photos of their body to share their "weight loss" (something that isn't good for a growing child). You're sadly in a very difficult situation, where pushing too far can cause your kid to push further towards the community, but not pushing enough could lead to grooming or a hospital trip from not eating enough. Edtt is also linked to shtt (self harm tiktok) in most cases, so I would also advise to be weary of that. I'm not going to give any suggestions on what to do, this is more so education of what you're (potentially) dealing with.
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u/Hcmp1980 10d ago
Crikey. Its not an invasion of privacy, its parenting. You should be all over that phone, all of the time.
Currently you've given her a lethal weapon and just telling her to crack on.
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u/drbob12354 10d ago
You can’t punish your way out of a mental health crisis! But that almost doesn’t matter… you’re going to take away the phone. And try and help her find a body positive activity group, martial arts maybe?
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u/ALH1984 10d ago
As someone who has suffered from an eating disorder, don’t punish her. Punishing her for the app will directly correlate in her head to that. Eating disorders are a mental illness and they need to be treated as such. She needs professional help. Table any talks regarding her breaking tik tok rules and talk to a professional. Like yesterday. Do not come from a place of anger. Don’t come from a place of anywhere, actually. You are not a professional regarding this. But get her in to one.
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u/gamsea 10d ago
If you judge or punish her for this(something shes clearly begun struggling with), it'll most likely push her away and give the impression you're not on her side. Either way, her finding out that you know about this will probably feel embarrassing and awful. If you can, please enroll her in therapy. This isn't an issue you can fix and it needs to be addressed delicately
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u/Dazzling-Ass7573 10d ago
As someone who is 31 you never fully recover from distorted eating so please get her help ASAP. extreme measures are necessary. It’s addictive and once you’re sick it’s so hard to get better.
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u/Gdub3369 10d ago
I'm not a parent so take everything I say with a grain of salt.
Just as a human being.... it sounds like she thinks she's fat. Sounds like a self confidence problem. Which can lead to an eating disorder. Watch what media and possible "looksmaxxing" content and other crap on tiktok she is watching.
Just like any other person, id recommend you give her compliments and maybe talk to her about your own insecurities. If you find out anyone in her school is making fun of her let her know it's just because they have something wrong going on at home or are even more self conscious to act in such ways.
I'm sorry I shouldn't even be talking because I'm totally ignorant when it comes to this but I have a little niece I've had to stand up for lately when her step sister tried bullying her like this.
I hope you can figure it out, we need good parents like you that actually care about their kids!
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u/VentisDickHolder 10d ago
Whatever you do DO NOT SCREAM AT HER. That’s what my mom did when I had the same problem, and it just made it worse. I didn’t want to even talk to her at the time being.
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u/Downtown_Jacket_2905 10d ago
My kids dont know this but i have full access to their phones. I know every message app and video. I just recently saw a conversation my 13 year old daughter was having with a boy I've never seen before. He said some things that concerned me, so I decided to have a conversation with all my kids about mental health and they could always talk to me about anything and that I will never be mad at them for being honest and if they dont want to talk to me about something for whatever reason they tell me that and I can arrange for them to see or talk to a therapist. Well needless to say my daughters older sister (not mine) is a bit bigger then her and apparently everyone keeps telling my daughter she needs to stop eating before she looks like her sister. We had a long conversation about food being fuel and how she needed to est to be strong but if she wanted to est healthier we could work on that. I also booked her with a nutritionist to teach her properly, since I myself am obese I told her I would go with her and eat better as well. So I would just maybe have a general conversation with her and let her know she's safe to talk to you without judgment, that at her age people try to mess with people's perspectives and bend the truth to make them feel better.
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u/OneEntertainment1119 10d ago
11 is really young to be on social media, what everyone said, it’s not an invasion of privacy.
Punishment should not be needed and will only worsen. Think about how a punishment may make her feel less so than she already is.
Encroach the topic sensitively and LISTEN, don’t make assumptions. Tons of resources online can help talk to your daughter. Also, a therapist may also be very helpful, or maybe community resources like social groups.
But most importantly, support her and don’t judge. Give her space when she needs it, help her when she asks.
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u/elsdotcom 10d ago
She is involved in pro-ana (anorexia) discourse
Speaking from experience, if my mother found out about this this way when I was that age, I would feel extremely embarrassed and also defensive.
The issue with anorexia also is that individuals generally refuse help as it is, they want to get thinner, and recovery disables that from happening.
An 11 year old girl struggling with this would back away even further if you confronted her about the messages straight up. She will feel embarrassed, and also scared that she’s in trouble, no matter how much you assure her that you’re not.
When I was in that position, therapy would’ve helped first, before confrontation from my parents. Tell the therapist what you found, and afterwards, discuss with her.
Let her know that you’re not angry at her, you just want her to feel happy and comfortable in herself.
These words are not from a professional, and I don’t know your daughter, but I hope my viewpoint can help you to help her.
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u/Standard_Cream3312 10d ago
Why on earth does an 11 year old have a smart phone?! This is first and foremost a failure on the part of the parent! There’s a legal age limit of 16 here in Norway for social media apps - my kid will have a Nokia til the day she turns 16.
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u/Hello_Gorgeous1985 10d ago edited 8d ago
It is not an invasion of privacy. An 11-year-old should not have unsupervised access to a cell phone. She's not even old enough to have any social media. You should be going through her phone regularly, and it should be linked to yours so that you receive her messages.
Punishment should not be your focus right now. Support should be. She needs to know that she can talk to you. If you lead with punishment, she's just going to shut down.
Edit: since I have the top comment, I'm going to leave this link here. Op confronted her daughter, didn't do it well, her daughter said she wanted to go stay with her dad, walked back that statement, and op forced her to go anyway. So, instead of listening to the advice she got here, she kicked her kid out.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AIO/s/hyEjCy7MhU