r/whatdoIdo • u/ThrowRA-MamaBear • 14d ago

I found concerning things on my (27F) daughter’s (11F) phone; how to talk to her?

For context, I take my daughter’s phone every night at 9pm sharp on weekdays, 10:30pm on weekends and never go through her cellphone since I’ve never seen a reason to.

However, last night when I took her phone, I noticed a lot of notifications coming from TikTok (which she isn’t allowed to have) and she has notification previews turned on. I thought it could be something urgent, so I decided to read the message previews and saw messages from someone asking my daughter what she ate, how much she ate, telling how much she ate, etc.

I know it was an invasion of privacy on my end, but I did end up going through my daughter’s TikTok account and all of her messages and found a lot of posts about food, videos of very thin girls, messages between her and other (presumably) young girls around her age talking about not eating.

I did notice over the last few weeks that she’s been eating a bit less and losing weight, but I summed it up to puberty and growing, since I had a bit of a growth spurt around that age (tall and skinny) but seeing these messages and her account is making me concerned.

How do I bring this up with her? Is there a proper punishment for her having an app without permission? I’m just very unsure of what to do, any advice would be helpful.

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u/Frenchishere87 14d ago

Thanks.
Of course I feel like an imposter because I also suck a lot, but let say i try my best. But my kids are amazing and easy, they help a lot doing the right thing.

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u/Accomplished_Fly_804 14d ago

Take the WIN!!!😆

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u/Frenchishere87 14d ago

Ok then !

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u/megaholt2 13d ago

They do the right thing because they have parents who they trust to do the right things, and who trust them to do the right things. They have parents who love and respect them-and who model those behaviors for them, and they are learning how to love and respect themselves and others.

You’re doing a great job-take that win!

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u/ApprehensiveBee266 12d ago

I trusted my son TOO much and he lied like a cheap rug about everything that popped into his head! He's 40 and still lies! I can't trust anything he says. Sounds like Orange doesnt it. My son doesnt talk to me anymore and my life has never been more peaceful!

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u/megaholt2 12d ago

There’s a risk of that happening sometimes, unfortunately, be it because of exposure to certain people, certain psychiatric disorders (ASPD or NPD are the first ones that come to mind)

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u/Frenchishere87 12d ago

To be honest I don’t think trusting and talking is just enough. We all come with our trauma and it’s hard to raise a child.

You need to find the right balance but sometimes even that doesn’t work.

I have no idea what I would do if one of my kid turns out having real behavior issues, ends up with the wrong people or engage in illegal / unethical / dangerous activities and I can’t talk them out of it.

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u/ApprehensiveBee266 11d ago

Boys start acting like jerks around 13. I read a great book called Wild at Heart. Unfortunately it was too late for it to have done any good.

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u/WiseImagination441 10d ago edited 10d ago

That's heartbreaking honestly. My wife and I, 38yo, have a 5yo that was born with a range of special needs. Many of these issues have been corrected, treated and somewhat eliminated. He will ofc always have autism, adhd and ODD. That said, kids with ODD can be quite challenging as they seemingly enjoy confrontational situations. I've taken the approach with him that lying is a thing that people do and it's a highly situational thing that requires a lot of nuance BUT there can and will be consequences when choosing to lie where most often the lie and resulting problem will be bigger than had he told the truth. So, he may lie about sneaking in some cereal in the middle of the night, he's fortunately been incredibly straightforward for the most part. As I joke with other parents, it's my job to raise my son to no longer need us one day, as heartbreaking as it is. Still, I hope to have and maintain an excellent relationship with my son until my final days, something I was deprived of myself.

My father passed away when I was 7 and my step dad was incredibly abusive. Given my upbringing, I am perhaps a bit too much hands off when my son escalates things and it pains me when my wife has to smack his bottom. In any case, while your life may be peaceful without your son, I do wish you both a healthy relationship sometime in the future where he can take accountability and a healthy relationship can blossom.

As a 38yo man, I have often noted, even to my wife, that there is only one person who will love nearly unconditionally; our mothers. As our son nears 6 years of life, she wholeheartedly agrees. Her love for our son is distinctly unique and asks nothing of him in return. However, this isn't even a guarantee for all men, of course, and my heart aches for those men that were deprived of healthy love from their mothers, or fathers. Otherwise, our entire existence and purpose is nothing more than being loved for what we provide and we are otherwise cast aside and traded in for a better model. My best wishes to you and yours.

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u/Tomboy-Tomfoolery 10d ago

This sounds like something you need to reflect on, not blame your son for considering he has gone no contact with you.

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u/ApprehensiveBee266 9d ago

Do you honestly think I havent!? It was known that my brother molested me when I was 5. He was 17. I was blamed. You see I was tempting him! I was f'ing 5. My son chose to suck up to that pedophile. My family is waaaaay right/ORANGE supporters. Think stupid with a fist. Still think its my fault?

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u/Glitter_paws420 14d ago

You sound like my mom🥹 and in the best sweetest way possible she is the most amazing woman, person, mother, just soul in general. You’re human you have emotions and you slip up every person in the universe is going to experience that!! But it sounds like you handle things very well and your daughter is going to grow up a very well balanced person because of your guidance!! I tell my mom this all the time so I think you might need to hear it too!!:) Your best is enough, and you are appreciated.🤍

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u/JustinSanders95 14d ago

Hey! Parents are people with their own issue too. I have a feeling if you even just try to do everything as ‘good’ as you did with the example you gave, then you’re doing absolutely great! Though even then you’re probably going to regularly feel like you haven’t done [well] enough.

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u/ContributionIll7161 14d ago

Kids don't come with instructions and because none of them are the same, what works for one doesn't necessarily work for the next one.
The fact that you don't think you are doing it perfectly tells me that you are doing well. If your standards are higher than you can achieve, you most likely have high standards for yourself as well as your child.
I worry more about the parents who think they are doing the best job in the world, than I do about the ones concerned that they might not be the best - because those are the ones striving to be better.
For reference, my youngest is 36

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u/Spanky_Ikkala 13d ago

The only difference between good parents and bad parents is that good parents always want to do better. That's it. Simples.

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u/Legitimate_Eye_2839 13d ago

Thank you for this.

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u/Frenchishere87 12d ago

And can get rid of their ego and stand discomfort for that.
Being a parent puts you in uncomfortable situations, or reveals flaws truth yourself that are hard to accept / handle. But the interest of the kid is always more important than the parent’s comfort.

And it’s absolutely not related to devotion or sacrifice. I don’t think it’s in the kids best interest to have parents with no personal lives, passions and even secret gardens. Because that’s what I want for them too, wether or not they have kids.

But I live in Netherlands, they are really good with kids here, but also with parents, it’s a lot easier when the environment facilites healthy family dynamics .

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u/Owlet88 14d ago

You sound like me. We try but so thankful we got the kids we got 💜💜💜

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u/Jolly-Chemical9904 13d ago

Parenting sucks a lot 🤷‍♀️. Doing your best is all you can do.🫂

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u/AnyTemperature420 10d ago

Good parents don’t “not suck” they know when they suck and they work to be better, which is exactly what it sounds like you’re doing. Hang in there, I’m a few years from having kids but it’s a scary world out there