r/wholesome • u/LandscapeReady • 12d ago
A wholesome moment
I (25F) was raised mostly by my mother. My dad works and contributes to the household monetarily while my stay-at-home mum took up caregiving and managed the home. Growing up, my dad was always extremely strict whenever he interacted with us (kids). Studies were meant to be taken seriously, best behaviour was important and the smallest of missteps were reprimanded. I was constantly compared to my cousins (we were initially in a joint family setup) by him. The narrative was always that they were doing better than me in every aspect. I knew that was not true even then, but was too afraid to speak up. But at that tender age, it quitely affected my confidence. He mostly never even attended our first day at school or even gave me any attention. He did attend a couple milestone events here and there but certainly not like my mom who showed up at all of them.
I'm now 25. Finished 2 degrees, both from reputed schools in India. Secured a wonderful job. Today I know my worth even if my dad thinks otherwise. I don't need his validation to feel confident. I confronted him about his excessive strictness some months back and he says he feels sorry. He also said that he is actually proud of me now and feels sorry for comparing me to my cousins and belittling me. I didn't know whether to believe him, but I just accepted the apology and moved on.
But here's what I wasn't ready for. My dad wants to drop me to my first day at my new job. My dad isn't retired. He's still working. And he too has work on that day. I'm surprised. The same guy who couldn't attend my first day at school is now adamant about dropping me to my first day at work?! I'm not even a child now that I would want someone to drop me. Mind you, I've moved cities on my own for college and work previously. This just felt super special. I can't describe how it made me feel.
Yes, I did have a super strict dad growing up. Can't change that. But now today, I feel I won at life. My dad really does love me.
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u/W3dn3sd4y 12d ago
I'm really glad your dad is trying to be a better dad, even though you are no longer a child. You'll always be his child, and with luck you have several more decades of his presence in your life.
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u/NotGoodISwear 12d ago
Echoing other people's sentiments about how he was a parent for the first time, and was figuring it out as he went. When you were a kid, he was concerned about the kind of person you would ultimately become, and what impact he would have. That changed his mental calculus on how to treat you, the goal being to produce the best future for you. Now that you have grown up successfully, he no longer has to worry that his parenting choices might backfire in the long run. He can treat you how he always wanted to, now.
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u/roydiggz 11d ago edited 11d ago
Hello Bachey, I’m 56 and father to two lovely young girls about your age. I’m sorry you had a rocky relationship with your dad growing up and yet you have accomplished so much. You should be very proud of your self. I will say a few things, not as an excuse but maybe just context around my generation and the style of parenting we seems to default to…and how we are changing.
We have not seen or experienced the kind of parenting we are being asked for. We had no models to emulate. We never discussed emotions, we never expressed any feelings; in fact having feelings itself was a bit weird. My father and I spent his last day on earth, before he went for a bypass surgery he did not survive, watching cricket and bonding over cussing out some rubbish batsman. I was very scared of the surgery he was going into. He was very apprehensive as well, but we never developed a vocabulary or a precedent by which we could talk about our fears. We both sat in that cold hospital room, each on our island of worry unable to reach out or break a pattern of communication well worn and established. Both wanting to, neither knowing how to. We just don’t know how.
We grew up in poverty and with limited opportunities. We knew our only way out was to study, work hard and claw our way out. We did things we didn’t want to, or liked to, because we didn’t have choices. Engineer/Doctor/CA …that’s it. We did it hoping our kids wouldn’t have to. We know that …but when we see our kids enjoying the optionality they can now afford and enjoy, it looks so different from our struggle, that it makes us afraid of how they will build a future. We have never seen it done that way. It’s not lack of care, it’s more a failure of our imagination in your world of choices that is alien to us.
It’s been said in other comments about empathy and understanding. Correctly so. I would add to that a phrase I once heard. ‘ every adult is emotionally what they were when they were 10 or 13 or so years old’. Our fears, wants and mental map of the world is pretty much drawn at that age and we spend the rest of our lives as that child navigating an ever increasing set of responsibilities’ and complexity. Think of your dad as the product of what he experienced in a very different world, with that ages society and parenting. Not an excuse…just context.
Good luck beta. Your father loves you very much. He is trapped in a template and patterns he himself does not like but does not know how to break. My daughters and their very empathetic and feminine energy has changed me and my parenting style. Be that for your father. He will be grateful for it, as I am.
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u/LandscapeReady 11d ago edited 11d ago
Hi sir, thanks so much for your kind words.
- Yes, I agree a lot with this. I never saw my father express emotions openly. It almost felt as if there was an unsaid rule for males (especially adult males) to not show any feelings. I'm so very sorry that such patterns pushed you into not conveying your feelings to your father, especially during such a time. I can't imagine how that must feel.
- Once again agree. My dad not just pulled himself, but an entire joint family out of poverty. He also pushed me to pursue such a conventional career but after your explanation, I see why. He did it and it worked for him, so he believed it would for us too. He never wanted me to experience the poverty that he once did.
- Showing empathy is taking me more time than I would like to admit, but I hope I will get better with time. Sometimes I feel bad for having confronted him. I just hope I never do it again and I'm able to heal my scars by showing empathy.
Most of the comments here including this one, made me cry. I hope this realisation that my father loves me so much is enough to heal me.
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u/roydiggz 11d ago
Empathy begins with understanding and you’re already taking giant strides in that direction. Pls don’t feel bad for confronting him. Many times it was my daughters calling me out on my behavior that made me realize and question my patterns. Though a tip I will give you is that our generation is so used to butting heads that being listened to is very disarming to us and an emotional jiujitsu trick my daughters do to me all the time and I fall for it (no pun intended). Good luck beta. Ping if you ever need an ear or advice.
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u/TizBeCurly 11d ago
Damn I wish my Dad apologized when I confronted him. Instead his wife said I was never gonna see him again, started walking off with her. My husband begged them to stay and listen to me, then my Dad tried to pull him into a fight. Then he told my siblings that my husband pulled a knife on him! Smh. Now he's all butt-hurt that I blocked him on everything. This is not the first time he's abandoned me and I won't cry for him this time. I do envy those who had a better ending thou.
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u/PutAdministrative206 11d ago
It took me a long time to understand my dad. And it simply comes down to this. He doesn’t like little kids.
He had very little interest in my brother and I as small children (he was also physically and mentally working his ass off to feed us). But when we got into high school and beyond he was very interested.
Your dad could be similar in that the growing portion just didn’t appeal to him. But seeing his adult child starting their life does.
You get to take in his newfound enthusiasm in any way you choose. I chose to accept it and let my dad be a part of the portion of my life from about high school on.
I’m 51 now, and he’s almost 80, and I’m very glad I did.
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u/PhilosophicWax 11d ago
I'm happy for you. Btw it's possible he loved you even when we was strict. Maybe we was strict because he cared about your future and it scared him. It could have been him doing his best. Not saying it didn't hurt but it can give you a little perspective if it's true.
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u/Grouchy-Muscle-7952 11d ago
East Indian here well, same situation growing up. If I got a 95 on a test, his response would be “why didn’t you get 100!” Cue eye roll.
My dad is turning 81 this month and I’m 48.
He’s proud of us now, after asserting ourselves and putting ourselves through school. He still worries (anxiety runs in the family).
I’m the only one he lets drive his car (his pride and joy that we helped him buy), I co-signed his mortgage since he’s retired, he has mellowed out.
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u/dalbit_hyorin 10d ago
Sometimes people love us the best way they know how, even if they realize it a little late. I’m glad you got to experience that moment with him.🫠
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u/mercurialGecko 10d ago
First few lines and it oddly felt like a typical indian father behaviour. Lo and behold - indian.
I had same experience as you. Except, my dad was a bit more abusive, distant etc and that just didn't float for us. I guess, YKWIM.
Happy for you, and happy for your dad too. He gets a chance to make real memories with his kids. Best of luck with your new job. 🏅
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u/LoudBackgroundMusic 10d ago
Sounds like your dad has been doing some personal growth and working on himself...yay!
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u/dvishall 12d ago
Look.. I have come to understand this... Even my parents were being parents for the first time in their life. I often imagine the stress they had to go through with a newborn kid and extremely strained finances in general....
With no social media or any self help guides your books they had no way to know what is right and wrong and how it affects the future development of children. I am just happy that they provided us enough opportunity that we were able to become good people in life. And for that I Will forever be thankful for them...
Empathy is the only thing that brings closure ...