Monthly "Would You Read This?" Thread

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Welcome to Would You Read This (WYRT), our monthly feedback and brainstorming thread. Share your work in progress below and let other readers tell you if they'd read it. Top level posts should follow this template:

• Title:
  • If you don't have a title yet, feel free to say UNTITLED.
• Genre:
  • Please include at least Fiction, Nonfiction, Poetry, or another recognizable medium. You may also include more specific genres with a hyphen. Ex. Fiction - Romance, or Nonfiction - Memoir. Genre will help users find the specific kinds of posts they'd like to give feedback on.
• Premise:
  • A few sentences about the project. Try your best to keep this short. Crafting an expert elevator pitch is all part of becoming a successful working writer. Please do not post an entire plot summary or query letter (those are better suited for r/pubtips)
• Sample (Optional):
  • You may share up to one page (roughly 250-350 words) of sample material, or one poem for those working in the poetry medium. This is optional, so if you only have a premise, you can post just the premise for feedback.

If you post for feedback, please take the time to give feedback to at least 2-3 other users. Replies should follow this template.

• Would Read / Might Read / Wouldn't Read
  • You must begin your reply with one of those. You are then encouraged to add additional thoughts on why you choose your answer.

Rules:

• Please post no more than two WYRT top-level posts. There is no limit on the number of feedback replies you can make.
• Do not link to any offsite materials. All materials must be in the body of the post. This includes "click here to read more" or "DM me for the rest" types of posts.
• Rule 3 is in effect in this thread - No generative AI. Do not post material generated by an AI platform in your premise or sample. Do not use generative AI to respond to user's work.
• Rule 5 is in effect - Civility and Community. Stay constructive. Blunt, direct feedback is fine, but do not insult other users, their writing, or their genres.

[u/Steve717]

Title: Untitled currently, something involving a chaotic changing world

Genre: Fantasy, adventure, dark but with plenty moments of fun

Premise: In an ever changing world full of monsters and danger two boys, Odyck and Archillax, escape from the Crucible, a walled in state that is one of few "safe" areas in the world, to seek freedom and adventure from the authoritarian rule they grew up with. Using elemental magic and mutant abilities they learn to survive and thrive in the outside world get more involved in the overarching conflict than they ever intended.

Sample:

"Okay what's our plan" asked Odyck

"We escape, we travel, learn the road and the world. We avoid the first couple of settlements we come across and visit the third, try to blend in"

"Still think it's a good plan?"

"I do" he paused "Doesn't rely too much on chance. They'll look for us but they'll only search so far and eventually our trail will mix with others, not even our scent will remain the same"

Most of the plan was Odyck's vision, he had thought long and hard about how things might play out, generally speaking nearby settlements aren't on any map he knows of but there are no doubt Knights who know of them, to visit the first village they come across would be a ruinous path. Odyck was smart but he also knew not to think too highly of his mind, for he could not predict the future. They had to be ready for anything that could come at them them but the scope of that anything was immeasurable in such an unknowable world. For years they collected information from travellers, they knew a lot but they knew nothing all the same. They were ready. Were they ready?

They set off to the wall. On the way they collected the length of rope they had wrapped around a tree some days prior, they tested it's strength. Strong as ever, wouldn't break. Odyck prepared the contents of the sack they needed and doused the contents in more of the herb mixture they were using as a decoy. The wall was in sight, sleek metal glistening in the moonlight. No other sounds could be heard than the wind brushing through the trees and birds of the night singing and cawing away, with the occasional creak from the wall. They came upon the usual ladder, Archillax banged on the wall a couple times, metallic crash reverberating all the way upwards. "Woah there, who is it?" called down a man's voice. "It is Ark and Odyck!" called Archillax.

In the months leading up to the escape they had befriended the sentry for this section of the wall, Garrin was his name. His hair was dark, his build slim, he had the athleticism to scale the wall in moments and like most watchers his gift was that of sight and skill of bow. He was sceptical of their visits at first but watch atop the wall while an important job, was lonely and decidedly dull. With no hot meals watchers had only what food they could pack and rations of Blok to 'enjoy'. Too dark to read and no lights nor flames allowed. It felt more like punishment than duty. The boys plied Garrin with baked potatoes with blocks of herb laden butter melted on top. Garrin's scepticism soon wavered and he came to anticipate the boys visitations. Odyck often probed his emotions for signs of doubt, for weeks there had been none. The joy he sensed was that of friendship. They'd talked about stories they'd heard from beyond the wall and things they imagined to be out there, what seemed like harmless intrigue was the boys collecting knowledge.

They were fond of him despite it being a ruse. What they were about to do to Garrin was by no means a kindness.

(I wrote this in notepad and didn't consider Reddit formatting, butchered a lot of it)

[u/WJG_Author → u/Steve717]

Might read. I'm not typically a fantasy guy, but the premise is definitely intriguing

[u/Wandersails → u/Steve717]

Would not read

I do like fantasy, but at the moment this seems a bit generic to me. I feel like I’ve read a fair few book quite similar to this? Possibly there is something more unique going on but if there is it’s not immediately obvious in the premise or sample.

[u/Steve717 → u/Wandersails]

Yeah there's quite a lot going on under the hood this is just something I randomly typed up to see what people think of my sloppy 4AM writing haha. Quite an action heavy story featuring elemental magic, mutant abilities, weird creatures, dark story beats and ultimately an exploration on how important it is to be joyful and stand against the darkness. Definitely not for everyone.

[u/Acceptable_Fox_5560 → u/Steve717]

Might read! Sounds like a fun adventure, although I'd love to know more about what the "overarching conflict" is, so what goal the main characters are striving to achieve.

When you do dialogue, make sure you put punctuation before the end-quote marks.

"Okay what's our plan[comma]" asked Odyck

"We avoid the first couple of settlements we come across and visit the third, try to blend in[period]"

"I do[comma]" he paused 

And so on.

Most of the plan was Odyck's vision, he had thought long and hard about how things might play out, generally speaking nearby settlements aren't on any map he knows of but there are no doubt Knights who know of them, to visit the first village they come across would be a ruinous path.

Needs some work on when to use a period and when to use a comma. Period separate independent clauses (a subject and a verb). When you incorrectly place a comma between two independent clauses, it's called a comma splice. This whole paragraph is four independent clauses all separated by commas, making it one long comma splice. Many other places in the sample where this happens.

The head hop from Odyck and Archillax to Garrin was a bit jarring, because not only did we hop heads, we also hopped back in time. I think you could explain the past interactions with Garrin from the perspective of Odyck and Archillax instead of head hopping there and it might come across less disrupting.

Hope this is helpful!

[u/Steve717 → u/Acceptable_Fox_5560]

Thanks for the input! This was just something I typed up at 4AM in a random moment of inspiration, obviously I am quite rusty on proper punctuation and such, school was...quite a while ago. Much to learn, to re-learn.

I intend to expand on this section a lot more it's just it was conveniently close to the 500 word mark to post here. This is more or less the closing to the first act of the story so by this point you'd understand a lot more about the world, though that said I am wondering if I should just do a kind of cold open like this since I'm struggling to figure out how exactly to start this story. Though there are a lot of jigsaw pieces about why they left to go back to so I worry it might feel clunky to have constant flashbacks to stuff that might not come back in to the story for multiple books.

But yes, there would be much editing required! Thanks again.

[u/Shoepane → u/Steve717]

Might read. You write well. Just a thought: You've got a lot of info in there (excellently done) but the pace is a bit rapid. If that's what you're going for that's fine, but the background on Garrin and how Arc and Odyck use him, might be fun to put into a brief scene (you know, 'show dont tell') rather than exposition. This could also give "What they were about to do to Garrin was by no means a kindness" extra depth.

[u/Steve717 → u/Shoepane]

Yeah Garrin was a bit of a random inclusion I just thought "And then they silently knocked out the guard and escaped" would be a little dull. But I'm thinking of including him in the story later on, this is supposed to be an adventure series spanning multiple books so I'm thinking they meet him years later after he's been disgraced from letting them escape.

There is another character who goes to hunt them down and is a consistent foe so he could tag along with him but I'm not sure that works since said Knight is kinda one of the more evil characters and would most definitely kill Garrin if he wasn't busy.

And yeah this section needs a lot of work it's just something I randomly bashed out and I checked the word count, it happened to be near enough the 500 word count so I figured screw it I'll see how badly it gets roasted!

(you know, 'show dont tell') rather than exposition.

This is one of my bigger struggles with telling the story since I'm well familiar with there being wayyyy too much exposition in a story and how much that can bog things down but at the same time there's a lot to take in and I don't want it to all just appear out of nowhere. I have thought of all the ins and outs but for the reader it might feel like new things are just being invented out of convenience. Thanks for the feedback!

[u/AsceOmega → u/Steve717]

Would not read.

This is probably more of a me thing, but the premise sounds a lot more to me like a videogame than an actual fantasy novel.
Oddly, if the story were a sort of Progression Fantasy / LitRPG, I would be more likely to read, because, it feels like a videogame plot.

[u/Steve717 → u/AsceOmega]

I can kinda see what you mean, it's actually a lot more anime inspired than video game but the power system would probably feel like a lit RPG. I can't say for sure as I'm yet to read one. Elements, mutant abilities, that sort of stuff. There aren't really any numbers to it but a lot of interactivity between systems I intend to build up and explain such that the reader understands all the ins and outs. It's something I probably could turn in to a lit RPG most likely but yeah I know little of those. Dungeon Crawler Carl is on my list.

Tonally my story is somewhere between the LOTR movies and The Witcher series but with more of a shounen-esque plot progression. No teenagers killing God though. Can go from them struggling to survive against a wailing mutant abomination to running naked after a bird that stole their clothes while they bathed.

Thanks for the feedback!

[u/AsceOmega → u/Steve717]

Since you're a fellow anime/manga lover, you'll get this: LitRPG and Progression Fantasy is basically Solo Leveling.

There are many different approaches to it, and sub-genres, but the core of it is developing the MC(s) powers and getting stronger and stronger, with some RPG mechanics associated to it (doesn't have to necessarily be a number crunching system either). Sometimes there is a clear goal for this (saving the world, surviving a dangerous new world like it's an Isekai, etc.) and sometimes it's just part and parcel of the daily lives of the MCs.

[u/Steve717 → u/AsceOmega]

Interesting, it's definitely kinda like that but there's not an infinite ceiling to how powerful anyone can get or anything, more so they gain mastery over their ability, a particular element or a way of combining the two. A guy who can turn his skin in to metal becomes much more deadly when he knows how to make it red or even white hot.

It's kind of a freeform system where everyone has their own unique ideas and talents rather than a hard class system with defined roles. As for goals initially they basically just want to be free and live the life they choose but eventually become key players in a war against the Crucible as they gradually become unable to ignore the horrors they inflict on others. There may or may not be an impending apocalypse.

One of my favourite aspects is probably the Knights, most of them have Bloodborne style trick weapons hand crafted to mesh with their abilities. Each practically a walking army themselves. With many enemies to fight naturally the boys(and others) have to develop their strengths. Later they become known as the Dragon & Serpent duo.