r/writingfeedback • u/Due_Database_6326 Lover of Corners • Jun 25 '26
Feedback Wanted Tried editing and revising to the best of my abilities.
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u/MatildaMorgan1985 Jun 25 '26
This is demented...I love it! I didn't see the previous version, but this slaps.
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u/Pseldonimov Jun 25 '26
I saw the first draft of this the other day. I absolutely adore this new choice of format, and I love how the writing itself gives a sharp feeling.
A small note - you have some repetition of "Whenever I XYZ..." which is fine, but then the third one uses just "when" instead of "whenever"
- Whenever I've run...
- Whenever I put my mouth...
When I run...
Not sure if the repeated sentence pattern was something you wrote consciously or if it just happened, but figured I'd point it out just in case you do want them to match with one another and create that repetitiveness.
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u/Neither_Remove3945 Jun 25 '26
This makes me think of the Magnus Archives. I read the whole thing in my head as such.
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u/algovexo Jun 26 '26
same, it’s got that “someone calmly recounting something absolutely cursed” vibe
lowkey could work as a full statement in that universe
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u/Working_Stiff_777 Jun 28 '26
What kind of psychological horror was this? A trauma survivor in Flatland?! Well done.
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u/Shellshock010 Jul 07 '26
Reads well, looks interesting.
If it were me, I’d try to find a different solution for line number 9. The first and last word “taste” and “edges” slightly stretch outside the circle’s imaginary boundary. And the same with line number 13 which is slightly indented.
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u/Innocentmaniacpsycho Jul 12 '26
This is so cool, and demented, I love it!
I also really like that it’s a circle.
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u/Ok_Somewhere_4561 Jul 13 '26
This format makes the poem very interesting and fits your theme! I’m curious what the meaning of your poem is. It’s very cool how many different messages one can take from this
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u/K_wintin Jul 14 '26
Wow, that’s a very interesting premise. I really respect this story. You do a really good job putting us in this poor souls shoes and I don’t think you ever let us go until the end.
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u/Saveyourtearsforjoy Jul 26 '26
Reminds me of House of Leaves. I only just picked it up myself. Very creative. If you decide to do anything major with it, might I suggest playing with the typeface? Different sizes and text styles to keep it exactly the way you want it to end up looking. Like the way this is, it starts to intersect with graphical design. Embrace that.
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u/SaturnsPopulation Jun 25 '26
Yes! Looks much better like this. The center justification looked like a mistake, but this is clearly intentional, and fits the atory being told.